Chapter 1
I don't know what makes me hit submit. I have lingered over this message for weeks- It has been typed in word and deleted a hundred times over. I don't honestly know what I'm hoping to get out of this. Maybe, I thought I could get some closure over this entire messed up situation. Because I never asked to be gay. I fought against it for years, but no matter how much I try, I just don't look at girls the same way as I look at guys.
Like, there's this one guy on the soccer team who almost caught me staring at his butt. I've learned to be more careful. This is high school, and no matter how hard I try, I'm not sure I could live down being outed by staring at my teammate's butt. That's the most horrifying way to be outed that I can imagine. So, letting off some of this pressure in the last weeks of summer, I finally drafted the following five lines:
Life is an ocean, and we are all lost at sea
The waves come crashing in around me, and nobody notices
Because they are too busy fighting the waves themselves
And all I want is to swim to a shore where I feel safe;
A place where they wouldn't care that I'm gay
I press submit.
No, Stop, undo, please let me undo this.
Someone is going to know that this is me- that this is how I write.
Oh, God, please- no- let me undo this- or let a series of the most vapid posts follow. Anything.
I focus on my breathing. In and out, in and out, in and out. It's how coach tells us to calm down when we're injured. If ever I have felt injured it is now. It is this moment. In and out, in and out, in and out.
I collapse on my bed. 9pm? It's too early to sleep and I feel like I just ran a marathon. I could puke. I check my laptop. 5 minutes have passed and nothing. Nobody has outed me yet. Oh, gosh, Garrett- he checks the tumblr incessantly. Does he know my writing style? Probably not. I have proofread every single one of his English papers. He's nice and even kind of smart, but his writing is atrocious. He once proofread an essay of mine in class, and he actually accused me of misspelling several words that were completely correct. He's not going to figure it out. In and out.
10 minutes, and the first new post has started to hide what I wish I had never posted. It was anonymous, of course. So much of creeksecrets is anonymous. Some freshman has a crush on some senior- so it goes. Life at Creekwood can continue without the knowledge that Abraham Louis Greenfeld is gay and the peace of sleep comes over me.
Chapter 2
I wake up without an alarm. Did I forget to set one? Have I missed school? But what about my chances at a good college?
It's a Saturday in August- Gah, I can be so distracted.
I try to present to the world like I've got everything so put together- it's just not true. Not the way that I want it to be, anyway.
I check my email- a daily morning ritual. Oh God- no. An email from tumblr. Somebody has posted a reply to my creeksecrets post. In and out. It's fine, it's fine- they're going to know who I am, aren't they? I can see it now: "Bram? That's exactly the kind of thing that you would write! OMG- everyone: Bram is so totally gay" In and out.
My hand is literally and actually shaking as I open the email. I close my eyes. I can't look.
"Well this is productive", I think derisively- eyes still closed, "I make one post and my life is falling apart. Pull yourself together- is this the kind of thing you'll be proud of tomorrow?" In and out. I open my eyes. Here's the comment that had me so worried:
THIS
And my heart is beating so fast, faster than before, this is not what I expected. Is it what I wanted? I pause for a moment. What did I really want? To have someone to talk to, someone to hear my thoughts, right? That's what I wanted. Ugggghhhhh. I don't know what I wanted- I have no idea anymore, except that I need to know more about- whoever this is. Maybe they feel alone in a vast ocean. Maybe they share my secret. Can I even hope that some cute gay guy who I might actually know has seen my tumblr post? What would I even do if that was true?
Heres what I do- I sit down at my desk and begin to type:
From: bluegreen118
To:
August 27 8:45 AM
Subject: THIS
I see you liked my post. Are you lost at sea or have you perhaps found a shore worth swimming to?
Blue
It's simple- so simple- too simple? I can't possibly spend another week drafting out a simple email. I press send, and I vow to spend my day not checking my email continuously. Maybe just every 5 minutes.
Chapter 3
From:
To: blugreen118
August 27 12:37 PM
Subject: re:THIS
Blue,
Hi
I kinda can't believe that you sent me an email. I'm smiling pretty hard right now. Because, you see, I'm gay too.
It was hard to type that, but so freaking good to admit it. I'm gay and I'm so thoroughly closeted that I might have to break down a freaking concrete wall to come out.
But I saw your tumblr post and realized that maybe I'm not completely alone. Are you at Creekwood?
Jacques.
From: bluegreen118
To:
August 27 10:22 PM
Subject: re:THIS
Jacques,
I must admit that I have been curious about you since I saw your comment. Yes, I am at Creekwood: junior, cis male, gay. And Jacques, those are the only clues you are getting from me, lol. No, really, I wonder if maybe we can be secret pen pals. I can tell you my secrets and, if you feel like you can trust me, you can tell me yours.
So you must be at Creekwood too, then?
Blue
From:
To: blugreen118
August 28 1:03 AM
Subject: re:THIS
Blue,
I suppose it seems fair I should give you the same set of clues (although, I admit I had to look up what cis meant). Creekwood, junior, cis male, gay.
I would really like that- to be your pen pal, Blue- to share some of my secrets with you (although you already know my biggest secret, and I suspect that I already know yours). School starts tomorrow. Are you ready? Excited? Dreading every moment? Hoping that the entire freaking class has turned into cute guys?
Jacques.
From: bluegreen118
To:
August 28 8:54 AM
Subject: re:THIS
Jacques,
Oh man, a class full of cute guys? No. My GPA would plummet. It's already hard enough to keep focused on my school work with the guys we currently have. Plus, you might decide to stop being my pen pal if you've got an entire school of cute guys to flirt with at school.
I am as ready as I'll be, and that's enough.
Blue
Chapter 4
I have never been able to sleep well the day before classes start. It's a curse. It's half nervousness, half excitement. I'm almost too nerdy for my own good sometimes. But there's this problem I have at school- everyone around me seems to be extroverted. I have somehow found myself at the intersection of soccer jocks, AP nerds, and the drama club. I love my friends, but I can't keep up with their energy sometimes… or more honestly, ever.
It's a pretty normal year of classes ahead of me. Most of my classes are AP, and if they're not AP, they're honors at least. I like to think that I come across as this smart but soft spoken guy with a sense of humor he's hiding. It certainly seems to have worked for me so far.
I enter Creekwood earlier than usual today. I don't even know why- am I looking for Jacques or trying to avoid him? I have no clue- probably both. He seems to be more outgoing than I am, and a little less calculated. I like that. I like that he's more outspoken than I am. I like that he's talking to me- quirky though I undoubtedly come across in my emails.
"Bram" Garrett says, waving his hand in front of my face. "Hello? Earth to Bram"
"Hey Garrett" I say, returning to reality with a thud.
"I wasn't sure where you were, but certainly not at Creekwood. It's a little early to start daydreaming through school, you know"
I let out a chuckle. Garrett is easily my best friend here. He doesn't miss a thing about me, and I don't miss a thing back. It's nice to have someone I trust completely, well with most things anyway.
Garrett begins a long diatribe about the last trip of his summer break- a trip to see his Great-Aunt Irma. I could practically write the script from all I know about her. Racist, sexist, homophobic, with Fox "news" on all day every day. Garrett is no activist, but he has to force his tongue to stay still when he's at Irma's house. I slip into a familiar pattern of nods and affirmations. I am paying attention, and I do care, but the thought that Jacque will be in this very hallway later today- that he might even be here now- distracts me more than I care to admit.
The fact that, even in honors classes, the teachers think that going through the syllabus is a good use of the first day of class is always such a let down. Sure, the syllabus is important. But if you expect me to read and analyze Walden for you- you should expect me to be able to read a 3 page syllabus in its entirety for content. I let my mind and eyes wander. There are some cute guys in my English class.
Just next to me to my right is Simon Spier. He has this perpetual bed head, that he definitely pulls off. When he smiles, I swear his eyes start to sparkle- which is especially nice because Simon seems to smile a lot. A perfect pair of glasses really brings the whole nerd vibe of Simon together- the way that they frame his entire face makes me a little weak at the knees. He's outgoing and funny, and… oh, crap. He's wearing those jeans today.
Simon Spier looks good wearing just about anything, but he has this one pair of jeans that almost kills me every time. They are just tight enough to accentuate his butt, and I sometimes can't stop myself from staring. I swear, Simon Spier could be the death of me. You know, straight guys should not be allowed to be this good looking. It's simply unfair that a woman, who may never fully appreciate the beauty of Simon Spier's butt, is the person he'll share it with.
So, maybe having today be syllabus reading day isn't so bad after all.
I remind myself that falling for a straight guy is unwise. Window shopping, I'll allow.
Somehow, I make it through the day with no homework, and with nobody realizing that I've been ogling a straight guy all day. The look of Simon in his jeans, though? That's a mental picture I allow myself to think of all evening.