Title: Hogwarts Bouncy Castle of Love

Artwork Disclaimer: "Hogwarts Castle" by Luntary ( luntary. deviantart )

Warnings: Magical AU and extreme silliness that might cause cringing.

Rating:M

A/N: This was inspired by a reviewer (whom I cannot remember right now; sorry!) who had actually told me she had an idea about writing a story that involved Sirius and a bouncy castle. I told her then that she had better write it because I'm stealing the damn idea otherwise (it was gold!). She did write it. I stole it anyway. :p So for those of you who have already read this story, I've just decided to split it into two chapters because the original was too long. It's still the same story and hasn't really changed!

Part 1

'Welcome to the Hogwarts bouncy castle!'

Sirius's eyes look close to popping out of his head. 'Mate, you have got to be joking!'

'Only the best for my son,' James smiles with pride that is borne from knowing that he is indeed, the best father in the world. 'You honestly did not think I would celebrate my first born's very first birthday with a regular boring party, did you?' He scoffs. 'James Potter has a name to uphold. If I threw a regular party, our friends would say that I've been domesticated.' James's face curls in disgust as he whispers the next accusation that Sirius himself is guilty of making: 'whipped!'

'James, I need someone to bring the cupcakes out!' Lily's voice calls out from the kitchen window, and James immediately scrambles to the back door, all pride and status forgotten.

Sirius has no intention of retracting his accusations towards James.

However, he cannot deny that the party is simply brilliant. The entire back garden is swamped by a massive castle; an exact rubbery miniature replica of Hogwarts right down to the scale. The attention to detail is magnificent. From the outside, Sirius can see the suits of armour and the paintings that had sighed and berated them when he and James had been plotting pranks in school. If he tilts his head far enough, he can also see the Great Hall's enchanted ceiling mimicking the perfectly blue sky outside. Though Sirius supposes that much of the furniture has been forgone to allow the children to bounce and run freely.

The wonders that money can buy, Sirius muses as he advances towards the castle. James has really not held back with extravagances; starting from the enormous three tier cake, four course buffet, the elephant rides, the puppet show, trapeze artists, and of course, the brilliant Hogwarts bouncy castle. Without realising, he has already toed off both of his shoes and is in the process of taking off his jacket. Dimly, he is aware of a clown (or is it one of the mimes?) approaching him to warn him of the dangers of having an adult in a bouncy castle made for children. Sirius disregards him. There is not a single clown in this world that can rob Sirius of the privilege of bouncing on the bounciest bouncy castle Sirius will probably ever bounce on. Sirius does not insult the brilliance of the bouncy castle by simply bouncing on. No, he honours it by starting to run from a considerable distance, picking up speed as he gets closer. A wild grin forms on his face as nears and leaps, transforming mid jump to his signature Animagus form.

A big black dog, named Padfoot, lands right in the middle of the front entrance and lets out a triumphant howl. The children that were standing there, fall back on their behinds in shock. Sirius grins a doggy grin, before bounding across the halls of Hogwarts with his tongue lolling out. He leaves a stream of terrorised children behind him, all of whom are falling over and bouncing into each other from the force of Padfoot's leaps. Many of them have already burst out crying or are screaming from fear, but Padfoot only hears his own joyful barks. He pants with excitement, his head swivelling as he wonders what he should explore next. His adrenaline is shot so high that even as he stands still, his paws are moving in tandem in a mock trot. He hasn't been this excited since he and James had accidentally caused a flood of flobberworms in the Auror offices.

From there, there is no stopping Padfoot. He bounces on the bouncy rubber beds in the girl's dormitories, sending all the little girls on top of it flying. He eats the candies that the Potter's house elves have prepared specially for the children who visit the kitchens. He leaps from staircase to staircase when they start to shift midway. He chases his own tail, round and round, in the dungeons; and then splashes around in the cauldrons full of coloured water that serves as mock potions for the children to play with. However, despite the perfect likeness to Hogwarts castle, the dancing suit of armour catches Padfoot completely by surprise. Before he knows it, his doggy reflexes have already activated and he is biting into the rubber armour with sharp teeth and flailing it around viciously. His man brain, called Sirius, tells him he has done something terribly bad. His dog brain tells him that this he must defend himself against this offensive dancing rubber-man before it startles him again.

A shrill whistling sound pierces the air and hurts his sensitive dog ears. Yet, it is only when Padfoot notices the ceiling collapsing on them and the children around him screaming in fright, that he realises that he has been a very, very bad dog.

A hand is caressing his forehead before moving down to gently tap his cheek. 'Enervate.' A soft voice says and Sirius can feel the warm breath that comes with it. It smells like chocolate. Sirius blearily opens his eyes to find a pair of amber eyes peeking into his own grey ones with concern. They are the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen; startlingly clear and framed by curly brown eyelashes. Thick straight brows furrow in concern, causing little wrinkles to form on the very bridge of a slightly crooked and pale forehead. Upon his light brown curls rests a pristine halo of white light.

'Am I in heaven?' Sirius wonders aloud. What other reason can there be to have someone so beautiful in front of him? This man must be an angel. All those people who have told him again and again that he will go to hell are clearly wrong, because here he is: in the very gates of heaven. Even Satan's spawn (Professor McGonagall's words, not his) has a place in heaven.

'Oh dear,' small, pink lips worry and those lovely amber eyes lean even closer. 'He seems to have hit his head harder than expected.' Those wonderfully soft hands tap his cheek again. Sirius leans in to the touch with a content moan.

'Please, let me.'

Sirius is brought back into harsh reality by a tight slap across his right cheek. 'Wake up, you stupid mutt!' a shrill voice screams. Sirius immediately identifies it as Lily's and realises that he not in heaven after all. Only God could be so cruel as to tempt him with honey before dousing him in curdled milk. And Lily is milk so curdled that it simply looking at her can cause explosive diarrhoea.

'Mrs. Potter!' The Angel who had been lovingly caressing Sirius's cheek exclaims in a lilting Geordie accent. 'Mrs. Potter, I must protest-'

But Lily rarely, if ever, cares about anyone's protests. 'This was my son's first birthday! His special day, which he would remember forever and ever as the best day of his life. Instead, he has pictures of a ruined backyard, crying children, and a smashed cake that got knocked over by terrified parents. Do you know why, Sirius? Do you?' It is a moot question. Sirius does not even get a word edgewise before she starts screaming again, finger jabbing far too close to his eyes to be comfortable. 'Because you've made Hogwarts collapse!'

Sirius is hit with a sense of déjà vu; this is definitely not the first time he has been accused of this.

'For once, Sirius, James and I wanted to make new friends. Couple friends; people who are married and have children like us, so that we can arrange play dates and have family picnics.' Lily laments, throwing her hands up in the air. 'Responsible friends who work respectable jobs, and drink sensibly, and come home at decent hours of the night.' She rests her forehead against her hand, shaking her head in frustration. 'Instead, we are stuck with you! You, because of whom none of the other parents want to be friends with us anymore. Because all of them now think that we have traumatised their children so badly that they will never want to go to Hogwarts in the future! Some of them were scarred so badly that they kept muttering Hogwarts falling castle even as they left!' She wails loudly. 'They didn't even take the gift bags!'

Sirius feels his stomach drop. Not from guilt but from dread of what is to come. He has heard all about the gift bags from James; how Lily has searched twenty four different party stores to find the perfect tiffany blue. How Lily has made James wrap bows on each bag multiple times until they were a perfect four-by-two inches in length and height. How Lily has made sure that every gift bag had the exact same number of the exact same colour of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

Fearing the oncoming rant, Sirius promptly take his emergency stance: turning into Padfoot, the black dog. Never one to miss an opportunity, he also decides to whimper and cower against Lily's wrath in The Angel's lap. The Angel exclaims in surprise and nearly falls off his chair, but Padfoot makes himself comfortable by pushing his snout into the other man's neck and fake crying in a way that would melt an axe murderer's heart. This lap, he muses, is much better than the cheap foldable bed that they had put him on. 'Mrs. Potter, is this really necessary?' The man asks and Padfoot makes sure to intensify the pathetic-ness of his whine. Angel's hand comes up to stroke his ruff soothingly and Padfoot graces him with a loving lick across his cheek. The Angel doesn't know it yet, Sirius grins in realisation, but this is their first kiss. Sirius has stolen it.

'Sirius Black, I know what you are doing!' Lily yells. Sirius is not at all surprised; Lily always did read his motives effectively. 'You know I can't punch an animal!' The Angel gasps and wraps his arms around Padfoot's form protectively (their first hug). 'Oh, calm down, I'm not actually going to do it,' Lily scoffs. 'Sirius Black, I demand you transform back immediately! I cannot tell you off when you look like that! It's too cute, damn it! Sirius!' She stomps her foot childishly. 'You know I've been diagnosed with cute aggression,' she warns in a sing song-y voice. 'You wouldn't want me to pinch your cute little butt cheeks to death, would you?'

'Mrs. Potter!' The Angel cries out, shielding Padfoot with his body. 'I must ask you to leave immediately! And also seek medical attention if possible! Mr. Black has just suffered a shocking blow to the head; he needs rest and care. I cannot have you throwing abuse at him like this!'

'Fine!' Lily harrumphs, shooting Sirius one last glare before stomping out of the tent. 'This isn't over, Black!' Padfoot can hear her calling back.

'Mr. Black,' The Angel starts, gently picking up Padfoot and putting him down on the floor. Sirius is surprised at his strength; Padfoot is far from a small dog and The Angel is far from a large human. Logically such factors must have a negative correlation. 'You've had quite an incident, I must say. Your injuries aren't too serious and the children are safe, if you were wondering. The Hogwarts Bouncy Castle does have a lot of safety features in place, thankfully. You were misfortunate enough to suffer a direct blow from one of the swords that the suit of armour was carrying. It is made of a harder rubber than the rest of the castle, you see, to keep it erect.'

That's what he said, Sirius sniggers internally.

Angel moves to the little desk set up in the corner of the tent, close to the exit. Sunlight momentarily hits Angel's hair, causing it to burst into an aurora of golden, red, and brown. Both Sirius's doggy and human brain are enraptured by the shininess of it. So shiny. His tail starts to wag as he thinks of running his fingers through such lovely hair. He already knows his tongue is lolling about and dripping drool, but hopes Angel thinks it's just part of Sirius's doggy-ness, and not because Sirius is on the receiving end of a marvelous view of the man's backside. Sniff, Padfoot suggests. Wanting to be closer to this wonderful man, Padfoot follows him and brushes against his legs. Lovely legs, Sirius thinks; lovely, lovely long legs. Hump them, Padfoot says. The urge is strong, but Sirius resists. Sirius saves humping at least till the third date; he is very traditional that way.

'I've already made sure you don't have a bump. But I do advise sleeping it off and going to the hospital if you feel any headaches coming on afterwards.' Angel smiles kindly and then places a slip of light blue paper in front of Padfoot, on the floor.

Sirius squints.

It is a bad time to be colour blind.

'It's your bill,' Angel explains when he sees Padfoot cocking his head side to side in confusion. 'According to our binding contract, healing - my services - are only available in the case of mishap due to the fault of Merlin Entertainment. It is not covered under injuries due to natural calamity or in your case, extreme stupidity.' He pats Padfoot on the head gently, taking the bite out of his words. 'This bill is payable to me. That's my card: Remus Lupin.'

Remus Lupin, Sirius thinks in his head dreamily. It is a lovely name; feral, but romantic.

Sirius squints at his bill again, trying to make sense of the squiggles at the bottom. His doggy brain is keeping him from processing all the numbers and keeps telling him to eat the piece of paper in front of him instead. Delicious, just like homework.

'The second bill,' Remus continues, turning the paper, 'is from Gideon Prewett. Apparently, your friend James Potter has requested that all damage charges be passed on to you. Hogwarts will now need severe spell reconstruction after collapsing.' A surprised whimper passes Padfoot's lips. 'Gideon understands that you are not likely to have such a large amount on hand at the moment and conceded to hold the payment till next week. You can either have it transferred to our Gringotts account or pay it personally.' He points at the very bottom of the blue slip, where there are numeric squiggles that makes Sirius's throat dry up. There are a lot of zeroes. Many more zeroes that Sirius's little flat in London costs. Certainly more zeroes than Sirius has in his bank account.

In a moment of helplessness, Sirius goes into his emergency stance and gives in to his inner dog.

He eats the damn bill.

'So I was thinking…'

'Well, that's a change,' Lily mutters, viciously attacking her steak. It might be her lingering anger over the Hogwarts bouncy castle debacle fuelling such carnage. It might also be that Sirius has mistakenly (purposefully) cooked her steak a little over so that it is only a few chars away from being rubber. 'Though I doubt anything productive would come out of your thinking of anything.' Sirius does try to please her; he really does. Today is especially important since he is trying to win her and James's forgiveness with some fantastic home cooked dinner. Problem is, the little puppy in Sirius always wants to create mischief and Lily Evans is a gullible target. James, though now a respectable contributing member to society, is a former mischief maker and wise to everything Sirius tries on him.

'I was thinking,' Sirius continues, undeterred by Lily's sarcasm, 'that Harry and I do not spend enough time together.'

'Since when have you shown interest in spending time with Harry?' James asks, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

'What are you talking about, Jamie-boy, I always want to spend time with Harry. I am his Godfather, after all,' Sirius rests a hand over his chest as a show of pride that comes from being chosen the honorary caretaker of a living being. Sirius has not had the best track record as a guardian. His last responsibility had been a little plant for Herbology class and Sirius had managed to turn the little medicinal herb into a feral, flesh eating monster. They had had to kill it to prevent it from swallowing any more children. Sirius had mourned and cried for two whole days.

'Sirius,' James waves his fork at Sirius rudely, 'so far, as Harry's Godfather, you have levitated him by the ankle and dropped him twice; snuck drops of liquor into his milk to put him to sleep when he was crying; stolen his toys so that Padfoot could chew on them; fed him booger flavour beans just to see if he would like it (which he did), and massacred his very first birthday party.'

'I was just playing with the little sprog,' Sirius reasons, swallowing heavily. Honestly, all those things hadn't seemed like a bad idea when he was doing them. 'And I got him a brilliant birthday present, didn't I?'

'You bought him a broom that he has managed to ride all the way up into a tree. There was a cat stuck up there with him and he had gotten so attached to it that we had to bring it home, or he wouldn't stop crying. I am allergic to cats, Sirius!' James cries out, flailing his hands dramatically. 'Allergic!'

'So am I,' A growl forces its way out of his throat just thinking of that tabby witch demon lurking in the Potter's home. Sirius is not fond of cats. 'Why do you think I am hosting this dinner in my house instead of yours?'

'You also asked us to find a babysitter for Harry because you did not want him ruining your bachelor pad.'

'He keeps trying to eat my telly!' Sirius defends.

'He's teething!' James defends back, as only a father of child trying to eat televisions would. 'Anyway, I think I have proved my point, which is that there is no way sudden God-fatherly feelings have crept up on you in such a short span of time. You clearly have ulterior motives and you need my son to be your ruse. I've already paid half of the bill for the damages you made to the bouncy castle. The only reasons I can think of is you want Harry to create a distraction for you while you do something illegal, or it's something pertaining to some sort of romantic interest.'

Damn it, he's good. 'It's the healer,' Sirius concedes. He summons the card that had come with his ludicrous bills and places it in front of James and Lily, who peer curiously. 'Healer Remus J. Lupin. J is clearly short for just ravishing.'

'He's the one who stopped me from killing you,' Lily remembers, inspecting the card with a frown. 'I didn't think he would be your type, to be honest.'

James rolls his eyes. 'Lily, anything with a cock is Sirius's type.'

'I meant his…you know…' She waves her hand around, trying to find the right words. '…feral tendencies.'

Both of Sirius's eyebrows shoot up in piqued interest. 'Do continue.'

'Get your head out of the gutter.' Lily smacks Sirius across the forehead with the name card. 'I meant him being, well, a werewolf.'

'A werewolf?' Scratch 'Just Ravishing'. Sirius decides that it needs to be: Remus Just Fuck Me Already Lupin. Rawr, Padfoot supplies in approval from deep, deep inside Sirius's psyche. James shoots him a knowing look, reading Sirius's lust driven mind perfectly. He knows perfectly well that Sirius is very adventurous in bed; something borne from his thrill seeking tendencies. If Sirius is to date Remus Lupin, he won't even need the cuffs or blindfolds to keep things exciting. Having a werewolf in his bed will be like having the body chocolate and eating it at the same time.

Lily, on the other hand, has not known Sirius long enough and continues on thoughtfully. 'I think one of the Prewett twins mentioned it while we were signing the contract. Fabian, I think.'

'Gideon,' James corrects through a mouthful of carrots.

Lily nods. 'He's a terrific healer apparently. Top scorer in the qualification examinations, but his illness tends to get in the way of him really achieving anything professionally.' She shakes her head in pity. 'The Prewetts are an open minded duo and Merlin Entertainments is really a glorified circus. Honestly, having a werewolf as a healer only adds to the novelty of their set ups. He brings in a good amount of profit, too. Apparently, folks injure themselves on purpose just to meet him.'

Well, there goes Sirius's brilliantly original plan.

Something in his face must have given it away because Lily looks at him with utter disbelief. 'Don't tell me you were going to fake an injury just to ask him out?'

'No, no, no,' Sirius shakes his head with a laugh. 'I was going to fake Harry's injury to ask him out.'

'WHAT?' Both Lily and James drop their forks in shock.

Sirius thinks they are grossly over reacting. 'Calm down,' he says, putting both palms up in an attempt to placate them. 'The operative word is fake. Do you honestly think I would hurt my only Godson?' Sirius only plans to spook the boy enough to make him cry uncontrollably. 'Look, they're holding a summer fair in the park, and I'd look ridiculous going there without a date or a family. So I'll just pretend that I'm a caring Godfather who just came out to spend some quality time with his Godson in a summer fair, and something went wrong. It's a perfect ruse!' Sirius smiles winningly, hoping that the brilliance of his plan will shine through. 'Lupin will see how loving I am and try to calm me down from the panic attack I'll be having when Harry is hurt. Hook, line, and sinker!'

'You are unbelievable!' Lily cries out, banging her hand against the table.

'I know!' Sirius preens, running a hand through his hair. The plan is quite brilliant.

'I just-I can't-' Lily splutters, pinching the bridge of her nose. 'Words fail to express how I feel right now…'

James takes over to fill in the gap. As always, the two of them really are perfectly in sync. 'Sirius,' he sighs. 'Is this really necessary?'

Sirius wants what James has. He wants someone to be in sync with. Someone who he will be so in love with that people make fun of how smitten he is. He feels jealousy bubble inside him whenever he sees all his friends finding life partners. Sirius thinks he's a brilliant catch, but does not understand why men don't seem to fish him out. 'He needs to see I'm a family man, James,' Sirius tries to explain. 'He needs to know I'm serious. Children make you look like that.'

'Sirius…' James groans in exasperation. 'Don't.'

'No, no, James, look around you.' Sirius waves to the space around them. 'Over the past year, I've traded in my apartment for a cosy house. I've bought a king sized bed and dowdy wall art. I make an effort to clean the house every week and do my laundry once a month. I've even invested in matching China, for Merlin's sake!' He doesn't mention all the empty pictures frames he's bought or the two person duvet. He certainly doesn't mention the extra toothbrush he keeps in his cabinet or empty space in his cupboard, meant for another person. Sirius doesn't want them to think he is lonely.

He isn't.

That's what he tells himself every night.

'Sirius, raising a family does not mean getting matching mugs!' Lily scolds, holding out her mug and clinking it with Sirius's. Her mug reads, 'Looking for trouble' and his reads, 'Trouble'. Sirius thinks it's rather clever. 'It means being in a serious, committed relationship and creating a home together!'

'Well, I can't be in a serious, committed relationship without you lending me your son,' Sirius reasons. 'Come on, Lily. I'll be careful I promise. You know I love Harry and I'd die before anything happens to him.' This much is true. Sirius may not be the most competent Godfather and he does occasionally find Harry frustrating, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love the little snot. 'Please, Lily,' he begs again. 'Think of it this way: if I manage to score the lovely Healer Lupin, I'll be so caught up in love with him that I won't have the time (or energy) to come so frequently to your house.' He grins as he seals his proposal with an offer he knows Lily cannot deny him. She has been wanting this for three years now and Sirius knows that his antics have her at her wit's end. 'It's a win-win situation. You would be granted a lifetime's worth of peace. And all you need to do is sacrifice your child for a mere two hours.'

'Pa'foooooo!'

'Very good, Harry. That is my name,' Sirius says patiently. A group of girls giggle and eye him coquettishly as they pass by. This is not the first time this has happened and Sirius is honestly getting tired of all the heterosexual attention he is receiving. Where are all the baby loving homos, he asks. 'Now, Harry, Padfoot has bought you ice cream even though he's not supposed to, and let you go on those silly horsie-go-rounds five time. So it's time, you did Padfoot a favour.'

Harry tilts his head curiously.

'We're going to head to where the medical cabin is and you need to cry really, really loud. Even harder than when Padfoot got your stuck in the staircase or turned into a big dog and ate your cupcake.' In his defence, Sirius had later bought Harry a giant cupcake from the best patisserie in London. It was not his fault that Lily forbade Harry from eating it, in fear of the child becoming drunk. Apparently, there had been alcohol in the cake. Sirius did not think it an issue; after all, Mother had drunk plenty while pregnant and Sirius turned out just fine. 'Can you do that for me, little chap, can you cry?'

Harry gurgles happily, dripping drool down the sleeve of Sirius's shirt. Sirius does not understand why the boy can never cry when he actually needs to. Harry has no problems whatsoever in crying during movies, or when Sirius and James are trying to listen to the Quidditch finals. He sighs heavily, realising he might have to resort to drastic measures if Harry doesn't shape up. He really is not looking forward to frightening the boy, or taking away the toy Sirius has just won him.

Sirius looks at the map he picked up from the ticketing office again. According to the directions, the primary medical cabin is just left of the kissing booth and behind the divination tent. Sirius turns right, still mulling over his brilliant plan to woo Remus Lupin. He is so engrossed in his thoughts that at first, he doesn't quite notice Lupin standing to his right having a heated argument with one of the Prewett twins.

In fact, he would have surpassed the scene entirely if not for Lupin bellowing: 'I AM A CERTIFIED HEALER!'

Harry starts crying.

Which is a relief.

Now Sirius doesn't have to make him cry in order to woo the man of his dreams. Instead, Sirius casts a muffling charm on Harry and hides behind the divination tent, so that he can spy on the two men. Remus Lupin has his back to Sirius, but one can tell from his tense shoulders and clenched fists that he is not pleased. His hair is standing up at the back; a product of repeatedly running his hand through it in agitation. Prewett, too, looks troubled. It is clear from his pleading face that he is in a situation he would rather not be in.

'Remus, please, you know I wouldn't ask this of you if I wasn't desperate! It's just for this week and I will never mention it again, I promise!'

'Fay,' Lupin starts patiently, his voice forcefully calm. 'You promised me. You promised me when you hired me here that you would treat me like everybody else. You promised that you would not humiliate or degrade me because of who I am.'

'And I am keeping that promise!' Fabian Prewett insists.

'No, you are not!' Lupin replies heatedly, stomping his feet like a child. 'I am a professional healer, Fay! I am here to take care of your visitors, not snog them for a galleon each!'

Snog? Sirius's interest is definitely piqued. He looks at Harry who is still silently crying and then directs Harry's thumb helpfully into the toddler's mouth. If Harry's mouth is busy sucking fingers, he will not be wailing. Satisfied, he leans in even closer. This argument has suddenly become extremely intriguing.

'Remus, you are just substituting for a week because Dylan is ill. You know the kissing booth reaps an enormous profit for us. I can't just shut it down!' He places both hands on Remus's shoulders as he begs for reason. 'Listen, you know I wouldn't ask this of you if I had another choice. But Dylan is part Veela and you are literally the only one in this entire troupe who has enough exotic mystery, danger, and looks to pull this off.'

'Why can't you ask the bearded lady?' Remus grouches. 'It's sufficiently dangerous to kiss a woman with facial hair, I would imagine.'

'Remus. If you do this for me, I will buy you a pound of chocolate.' Remus must have shot Fabian a dirty look, because he adds in a nervous stammer, 'a-and twenty…' Fabian falters. '…no…thirty percent of the profits that we make out of the kissing booth.' He smiles weakly. 'Pucker up, eh?' Sirius never hears if Remus agrees or not, because the man storms off towards the medical cabin with Fabian still pleading after him.

'What now, Harry?' Sirius turns to ask Harry in Godson. 'Do I follow? Or should I wait till Fabian leaves? I do my best wooing when alone, I have to admit.' Harry sucks on his thumb in reply, which is largely unhelpful. Sirius wonders when Harry's speech capabilities will be mature enough to give relevant dating advice. Perhaps another two years? Sirius cannot wait that long.

He doesn't have to, because five minutes later, he gets his answer. And his answer is so fabulous that Sirius is caught between bursting out in laughter and thanking Merlin for presenting him with such a pristine opportunity. Remus has come out of the tent, looking very disgruntled, possibly about the change in his appearance. He has discarded is white apron and his shirt in favour of skin; and what lovely skin it is. Sirius has to admit that in term of muscle, Remus is lacking painfully. The man is pale, thin, and wiry; but the scars crisscrossing across his body gives him a roguish appearance that makes Sirius's mouth water. He is wearing ripped jeans, cut off just below the knees to reveal long, slender legs that seem to go on and on and on, before finishing in a pair of tan flip flops. His ashy brown hair, and Sirius has no doubt that this is a comical product of Fabian's imagination, has been styled to stick up on either side of his head like wolf ears. Sirius notices that Fabian has also cast some kind of hair growth spell to make Remus's smooth chin look rough and unshaven. But what truly has Sirius (and Padfoot) going rawr is the spelled fangs that bare viciously when Remus snarls at Fabian to 'fuck off, you bloody bastard!'

Sirius's cock is in love.

Head over heels; balls over dick; in absolute fucking love.

'Harry, this man is your future uncle,' Sirius informs his Godson who shoots him a supportive toothy grin in reply. 'I am glad you approve. You really are my favourite Potter.' He kisses Harry on each of his chubby cheeks, before going back to his werewolf spying.

Fabian now looks near tears, whether from relief over Sirius agreeing or Remus's constant whiplash of malicious comments, Sirius cannot tell. But the man hurries to set the kissing booth up, using his wand to customise all the signboards. Sirius nearly falls over laughing again when he reads the new booth signs. 'Lay your life on line and dare to kiss Moony, the werewolf for a Galleon!' one of them reads. 'He doesn't bite. MUCH!' another reads. 'Do you have the lips it takes?' and Sirius's personal favourite: 'Awooooo – pucker up!' It is no wonder Remus is in such a strop, as he practically has Fabian running for his life once the boards are up. Yet, true to his word, Remus sits at the booth with a pout so adorable, it is a wonder that there isn't already a steady line of customers waiting for a kiss.

Sirius makes a move before anyone else can come in on his turf. He swaggers right up to the booth, rests his elbow against the table and leans in with his lips puckered. Sirius expects a lot of things from his first human kiss with Remus. He expects bells and fireworks. He expects Cornish pixies to break into song about how Sirius has found his destiny. He expects Remus to jump into his arms and for them to twirl round and round, as they kissed. He does not, however, expect a slap to land across his face.

Sirius reels back in surprise.

Harry bursts into giggles. (Traitor!) Just for that, Sirius puts him down to stand on his own two feet. He has ridden on Sirius's express travel service (arms) for long enough.

'Read the sign, mate,' Remus growls. 'You pay a galleon for a kiss; not the other way round.'

Sirius rubs his smarting cheek in dismay. Not to be undeterred, he pursues. 'How about I pay you a hundred galleons and you spend the rest of the day kissing me. I'll buy you lunch, of course. I am nothing if not courteous.' He grins his most charming grin; the kind of grin that had women throwing their panties at him in school (not that he had wanted any of them. Except for the silk ones; those were very comfortable).

Sirius's attempts are yet again crushed when Remus groans, not in mad lust but in disappointment. 'I should have known I'd get one of you today. Bloody Fabian. Listen,' he leaned across the table so that they were face to face, their noses only inches apart. 'Every week, I meet at least two people like you.'

'Devilishly handsome?' Sirius asks hopefully.

'Infuriatingly stupid,' Remus clarifies. 'I'm flattered by your attention, I really am; so I'm going to save you the trouble of trying to flirt your way into my pants with some honest advice. If you're looking for the thrill of having a werewolf in your bed, you're going to be sorely disappointed with me.'

'Why?' Sirius asks, confused. 'Doesn't it work?' He looks pointedly over the table at Remus's crotch.

Remus splutters. 'It works just fine, thank you!' he defends vehemently.

Sirius scratches his head. 'Is it small?'

'NO!' Remus cries out, positioning both hands to the front of his trousers. 'Stop looking at my crotch! My eyes are up here!' He flicks Sirius on the forehead, his cheeks burning red. 'I meant to say that if you're here for the novelty of fucking a werewolf, you can leave right now.'

'Ooh,' Sirius nods his head in understanding and hastens to clarify. 'No, you've misunderstood me. I'm here for the novelty of fucking you. You being a werewolf is really just an added bonus.'

Remus looks at him incredulously. 'Is that supposed to be a compliment? Wait-' he frowns, looking around. 'Didn't you have a baby with you?'

Sirius's eyes widen. In a moment of panic, Sirius realises that Harry is no longer holding his hand or circling around his legs in play. 'Harry?' he calls, hoping that Harry is close enough to answer despite his limited linguistic skills. 'Harry?' he calls again, his eyes darting left to right as he looks for his missing Godson. He sees nothing even remotely human and a foot tall. Sirius has lost the only little person he has ever had to care for and genuinely loves. He has lost his only Godson in a fair, full of strangers, kidnappers, and murderers. This is his worst nightmare. Within a matter of seconds, he finds himself tearing up. 'HARRY!'

'Wait a minute! Harry?' Remus asks, a hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'I recognise you now! You're the bloke that made Hogwarts Bouncy Castle collapse!'

'I'm glad you remember me; I really am, especially since I've been in love with you since the day I met you,' Sirius answers with a shaky voice. 'But I'm having a hard time rejoicing right now because I've just lost my Godson. Oh Merlin,' he put both hands to his head, trying to think. 'I've lost Harry. What do I do?' Sniff. 'Of course! I can change into Padfoot and sniff him out. Harry's scent should be on my clothes.' Sirius hurries to take his shirt off and he has it nearly off his head, when he hears a familiar cry.

'He's behind the sweet shop!' Remus points out quickly, his ears picking up almost canine like. 'He must have wandered off there to look at the sweeties. Come on!' He grabs Sirius by the hand and sets off to a run. Sirius struggles to follow; while Sirius is far from unfit, he isn't as tall as Remus and the shock of having lost Harry is still marring his movements.

As Remus predicted, Harry is behind the sweet shop, crying fat tears of despair. He is sat on his cushioned bottom, holding a skinned elbow to his chest. It is not unusual for Harry to fall over; he is still unsteady on his feet and often walks like a pregnant duck. It seems in his pursuit of mischief and sweeties, Harry has lost balance and hurt himself. Sirius rushes over to him and picks him up, patting the child's back and bopping him up and down to calm him. It only makes Harry cry harder, which is terrible because Sirius really cannot stand to see his Godson cry. He hushes and tells Harry that it is nothing but a scrape, but Harry has no plans of listening to reason.

'Here, give him to me,' Remus advises, holding out his hands in anticipation. Sirius trusts him implicitly. After all, if not for Remus, Sirius would still be hunting for his Godson with his own shirt up his nose. He transfers Harry into Remus's arms. 'There we are,' Remus coos in a sweet voice, which looks quite off with the prosthetic fangs still attached to his teeth. 'What's the matter, love? Are you hurt?' Harry cries harder and displays his battle wound to Remus: a scraped elbow. 'Well, look at that,' Remus makes a show of surveying the wound with great thought, before leaning down to kiss it gently. To Sirius's surprise, the wound closes instantly and the skin heals itself. 'See? All better!' He hands Harry back to Sirius.

'How did you do that?' Sirius asks, inspecting Harry's elbow. Thankfully, Harry has also stopped crying and the shock of being hurt has made him much more demure. He lays his head on Sirius's shoulder and quietly sucks on his thumb, no longer wanting to be let down.

'I can concentrate minor healing spells to any part of my body,' Remus replies, shrugging.

Sirius cannot help it. His eyes automatically gaze towards Remus's crotch. There are a million things he can say at this point, but even Sirius, as daft as he is, knows that he cannot escape saying them without another slap to the face. The first one is still smarting. So, instead, he tries to look grateful. 'Thank you. I was really scared back there.'

Remus smiles. 'It's not a problem. You owe me two galleons for two kisses by the way. One for you and one for your godson.'

'I'll give you a hundred if you agree to go on a date with me,' Sirius tries to negotiate, jogging to catch up with Remus as they walked back towards the kissing booth. 'If you're not comfortable with strangers, I could ask you to accompany me to the Potter's barbeque on Sunday as my date. You already know James and Lily, so there's no fear that I may turn out to be a mad man.' When Remus turns to look at him sceptically, Sirius tries his winning smile yet again. 'Come on, say yes! I promise you won't be disappointed and I'm really not just trying to get into your pants. In fact, I have a policy to not sleep with my dates until the third date. I'm very traditional, you see.'

Remus chuckles. 'You really are quite the character, Black.'

'Sirius,' Sirius corrects. 'My name is Sirius. Black is a colour; the colour my heart will be if you reject me now.'

This time, Remus bursts out laughing. 'All right then. I'll go with you,' he agrees once he's caught his breath.

Sirius cannot believe his ears. 'Really?' When Remus nods, Sirius whoops loudly. Harry copies him for fun, making Remus burst into another bout of laughter. 'You are going to fall in love with me,' Sirius states confidently. 'You just watch, Remus Just Ravishing Lupin, you are going to be head over heels in love with me!' He pulls a galleon out of his pocket, slams it on to the booth table, and pulls Remus into a rough kiss. He pulls away quickly just in case Remus decides to slap him again.

'If you make anything else collapse, you know where to find me!' Remus calls out as Sirius skips away, his bounce getting higher and higher at every step.

Lily groans as she spots him and Sirius waves even harder, a wide grin splitting his face. 'Hello, Lily flower!' he calls out cheerfully. 'Can I just say, these hors d'oeuvres are lovely, especially that nice cheesy one! Sirius pops a second one into his mouth, just to show her how lovely he thought they were. Remus laughs quietly at his antics and that only fuels Sirius's need to act like a pompous idiot.

''Hello, Sirius,' Lily greets with a strained smile. She notices Sirius and Remus's clasped hands, and sighs, 'Remus, I see this moron has convinced you to go on a date with him.'

'He paid me a galleon for it,' Remus says, his face set in mock seriousness. There is silence for a while as Lily blinks in confusion, and then both Sirius and Remus burst out laughing at the same time. Remus leans against him as he laughs, forehead resting on Sirius's shoulder and shoulders shaking against Sirius's chest. Sirius thinks they fit so perfectly that it would be a crime if Remus does not say yes for a second date.

'Sirius, can I talk to you in private, please?' Lily does not wait for Sirius to answer and drags him away from Remus and the snacks table to a secluded corner. She rounds on him even before Sirius can dish out the dirty jokes about her fantasies about snogging handsome gay men. 'Sirius Black, I cannot believe you!' She scolds. 'You are an absolutely infuriating, shameless, bastard of a man! Why must you ruin everything?'

'I haven't even done anything yet!' Sirius protests, wondering if she knows about the fireworks in his jacket pocket. He hopes not; he's saving that for the perfect romantic finale. Something for Remus and him to watch as they speed off on his motorbike.

'You haven't been invited to this party!' Lily shrieks while trying to keep her voice quiet at the same time. 'Sirius, just this once, we want a nice, quiet party. No explosions, no odd smells, or collapsing structures. We want a respectable, adult party, where we can meet new people, just like us, and discuss politics, and policies, and tea, and babies. I want James to venture out more; make new friends who actually get him home at a respectable time, preferably sober.'

'What's wrong with having a little bit of fun in life; James never seems to complain about having me as a mate. Besides, James said I wasn't allowed because this party was for couples only,' Sirius argues huffily. 'Today, I am a couple, so by James's reasoning, I am invited.'

Lily groans.

'I'm hardly going to do anything, am I? I'm here on a date, which means I'm going to make every effort to appear sane and respectable.' Sirius is reasoning with lies; but Lily doesn't have to know this. In reality, Sirius plans to woo Remus with his fun spirit, his hilarious pranks, and his charming personality. James always tells him to find someone who will love Sirius for Sirius, and not his money or looks. So Sirius is going to be Sirius, Remus or otherwise. 'Come on, Lily,' Sirius whines. 'If he sees how stuffy and boring your barbeque is, he'll realise that I have friends who have families. Which will show him that I take relationships very seriously and might consider having a family of my own. It's a perfect set up.' Beg. He widens his eyes and nearly whines, not unlike his doggy counterpart. He can see her caving and tries not to wag his tail, before realising he had no tail in this form. Sometimes Sirius tends to forget whether he is human or dog.

'Don't bother,' Lily says with a smirk, suddenly looking past Sirius. 'Looks like your date has figured out what a huge mistake he's made in agreeing to go out with you.' She points past Sirius's shoulder. 'He's leaving.'

'WHAT?' Sirius whirls around and sure enough, Remus seems to be leaving the party. The werewolf doesn't even glance back, as he walks away. Sirius is baffled by Remus's actions; the other man did not seem like someone who would just up and leave. In fact, he pictures Remus as someone who is infinitely polite and kind. After all, he only slapped Sirius once where many others would have (already have) done much worse. So he runs after his date hurriedly, calling out Remus's name to make him stop. Luckily, Remus does. Sirius really isn't as fit as he looks and is panting a bit by the time he has crossed the entirety of the Potter's ridiculously enormous back garden to reach Remus. 'Hey, where are you going? We just got here!'

'I-' Remus starts hesitantly. He doesn't turn to face Sirius and talks to his shoes instead. 'I really should be going, Sirius. This party isn't really for me.' He scuffs his foot against the ground. 'I mean, I don't really fit in here with all these wizarding families.'

Sirius frowns. 'That's bollocks. Why would you think that?'

Remus shrugs but his shoulders are tense.

'Remus,' Sirius tries again, pulling Remus by the shoulders and forcing the werewolf to face him. 'Why would you say something like that? Did someone say something to you?' Just by the tightening of Remus's jaw, Sirius can tell that he has struck a nerve. Sirius feels anger boil inside him and his hands tighten on Remus's shoulders. 'Who was it?' When Remus averts his eyes, Sirius presses even harder. 'Remus, tell me who it was.' Remus doesn't really have to tell Sirius anything. All Sirius has to do is to follow the movement of his amber eyes, across the grass, past a clique of people, and directly on to a gaunt looking man Sirius knew as Herbert Mockridge, Director of Creature Control at the Ministry. Sirius doesn't have to guess what kind of hateful comments the man may have passed to Remus. You're dead, Padfoot growled internally and Sirius completely agrees, letting himself loose and practically running towards the man. He doesn't even realise he has voiced his thoughts aloud until he hears Remus gasp in alarm and call for him to forget it. Of course, Sirius doesn't listen; he has always been known to be stubborn and hot headed.

And it is this hot headedness that has Sirius throwing a punch right into Mockridge's face. He doesn't really think about propriety or that his right hook often does very painful damage to the receiver's face. He is also not at all concerned that Mockridge is the Director of Creature Control in the Ministry and can influence Sirius's future career as an Auror. His rage, as always, is only tempered by James hooking his arms under his armpits in restraint and pulling him aside forcefully. Even then, Sirius thrashes wildly and screams expletives at the other man, creating a huge scene so that people start to gather around him and mutter things that are clearly unsavoury.

'Sirius, what the hell do you think you're doing?' James growls, coming in between Sirius and Mockridge.

'I am leaving,' Sirius replied gruffly, pulling his arms out of James's grasp and grabbing hold of Remus's hand instead. 'You can tell your wife that if these are the type of bigoted, racist wankers she wants to befriend in my stead, then she is welcome to them! In fact, I break up with her as a friend!' James's eyes widen in surprise and he open his mouth to say something, but Sirius doesn't give him the chance. He simply states, 'Also tell her that her party sucks and her cooking was so terrible that I had to pour extra hot-hot sauce on all her hors d'oeuvres, even the ones I didn't eat!' He huffs, spins on the balls of his feet, and drags Remus across the garden back to his parked motorbike. He vaguely hears Lily's threats of murder and how much of a nuisance he is, but he ignores it. This isn't the first time she has threatened to hang him by his balls.

'Sirius, I really think you over reacted a little out there,' Remus interjects when Sirius motions for him to sit on the bike. 'Maybe you should go and apologise.'

'Remus,' Sirius grits out impatiently when Remus refuses to sit, 'It doesn't matter who or what you are.' He picks the werewolf up by the waist easily and deposits him on the bike seat. 'Being a werewolf isn't a crime and you are allowed the same privileges as any wizard. That bastard Mockridge is certainly not allowed to belittle you, especially being in his position. It's unprofessional and unsavoury!'

'Sirius, I think there has been a misunderstanding-'

'Remus, you need to learn to stand up for yourself!' Sirius interrupts, pushing the spare chocolate brown helmet (bought specially for Remus) on the man's head and buckling it under his chin.

Remus lifts his visor. 'But Mockridge hasn't said anything to me about being a werewolf!' He protests. 'In fact, he is always very respectful at the registry and has never once mistreated a fellow half breed!' Sirius shoots him a disbelieving look. 'He recognised me from last week's kissing booth,' Remus explains, his eyes shifting away bashfully. 'And he propositioned me to join him and his wife in bed tonight.'

'He what?' Sirius cries, his eyebrows reaching to his hairline.

Remus scratches the back of his neck and mutters, 'Apparently they are looking to spice up their love life and felt a werewolf would be a good way of going about it. I tried rejecting him, but he kept trying to convince me with all these awful details about what they could do. He and his wife were relentless. It made me really uncomfortable, so I was just trying to leave before they caught up to me and tried again.' He blushed under Sirius's incredulous stare. 'I told you, I get a lot of offers from people like Mockridge looking for some kind of thrill. I find it quite humiliating, but Fabian says I have far too much pride.' Remus pushes his visor down when an embarrassed blush starts to creep up his face.

Sirius still hasn't managed to gain back his articulation. There are many thoughts and emotions running through him. He is firstly disgusted by Mockridge for even considering a threesome at his age. He is also very much jealous and protective about Remus, because Remus is Sirius's date and Sirius can be very territorial about things that are considered his. Sirius is also a little mortified about the scene he has caused and is wondering how he will explain this to Alastor Moody, his supervisor at work. He wonders if he can pull the 'bloke hit on my boyfriend so I got cross' card, even though Remus isn't really Sirius's boyfriend yet. Though Sirius is fairly confident that Remus will be his boyfriend very, very soon because Sirius believes that his charms are very difficult to resist. Internally, Padfoot proudly displays his balls for Remus to see exactly how attractive he is as a partner and mate.

'Sirius?'

Sirius breaks out of his reverie to see Remus looking at him with concern. It is then that he realises that they are still in the Potter's parking lot and either Mockridge or Lily can come charging after him any second for revenge. So he quickly, climbs on to his bike, starts his engine, and takes off in full speed. He waits until Remus's arms wrap tightly around his waist, before tilting his bike on its back wheel and taking flight. He hears Remus gasp in surprise and realises that he had forgotten to mention to Remus that he had charmed his darling black motorbike to fly. Sirius remembers it is because he hadn't wanted to scare Remus off on their very first date and had instead decided to drive him here in a traditional fashion. Well, Remus has already seen quite a lot of Sirius's insanity and he hasn't run away yet. Carpe Diem, Sirius thinks before going all out and lifting the bike higher, just as he turns on the invisibility shield. He grins when he hears Remus scream and then break out in surprised laughter.

'You are mad, Sirius Black!' Remus yells over the wind whipping against them. 'Absolutely insane!' Yet, it is Remus who cheers and whoops like a mad man when Sirius flips and does little tricks (good boy, Padfoot says) with his bike mid-air. 'Sirius,' Remus pants after a while, resting his chin on Sirius's shoulder and pushing even closer. His right hand reaches for Sirius's and his lips briefly touch Sirius's knuckles, where the skin had split from the when Sirius had punched Mockridge. Sirius feels a slight tingling sensation before the skin knits itself together and clears. 'Hey, didn't you have a bag full of Fillibuster fireworks when we came in?'

'Ah yes,' Sirius remembers still looking at his newly healed knuckles dazedly, 'I stuffed it under the table when Lily forcibly dragged me to have that pointless talk. I completely forgot about it.'

'But doesn't it have a timer on it? You told me it's supposed to go off in an hour, isn't it?'

'Oh, yes, of course.' Sirius wonders how he can forget such an important detail. Oh well, he thinks with a shrug, Lily's hors d'oeuvres were really not very good so there isn't much harm done. He does feel sorry about the cake though. 'If you want, we can go back later and watch the fireworks?' Sirius suggests politely. 'But we will have to keep the invisibility on; otherwise we might not escape Lily's wrath alive.'

This time Remus laughs so hard that he snorts and it is the most endearing thing Sirius has ever heard. 'Sirius Black, you are barking mad!'

'Is that a bad thing?' Sirius asks worriedly. It isn't that Sirius hasn't tried to tone down his rather destructive ways, but somehow trouble seems to follow him around wherever he goes. He isn't always looking to cause mischief; it just happens. It has put off a lot of his dates, who thought of him as immature and attention seeking. Sirius's face falls at the thought of Remus also rejecting him, and he is glad that the helmet hides how upset he really is just thinking of it.

Remus bumps their helmet together gently in a show of affection, effectively dispelling Sirius's reservations. 'I don't think I've ever had so much fun on a date,' he says with a soft chuckle.

Padfoot's tail wags out of control.