A/N: This has been posted to completion on Ao3 but I thought I should post it here too as not everyone reads both archives. It's pretty much my attempt to deal with 'the episode that shall not be named'. There are 10 chapters in total.

Olivia Benson sat on her sofa, a glass of Cabernet in hand, struggling to keep the tears at bay. It had been one hell of a week. Rafael Barba was gone. She could barely bring herself to believe it.

He and his big brass ego had swaggered into her world six years ago and, although at first, she thought him arrogant, awkward and far too ambitious, he'd quickly become a mainstay in her life. He became her best friend, her confidante. He was her soul mate. She'd thought they would be together forever; she planned on growing old with him in her life. But that wasn't going to happen anymore.

Just like that, it was over. Without warning. He'd resigned from the DA's office, all but confessed his love for her and then he was gone. After everything they'd been through together, he'd just turned and walked away.

'You didn't give him any reason to stay,' said a little voice in her head.

She knew her subconscious was right. She didn't call out or chase after him. But it wasn't for lack of wanting. She just hadn't been able to. She'd been frozen, only able to watch as the man she trusted and loved most in the world had walked away.

'And the times before when you could have shown him?" the voice asked.

They'd worked together for six years and there'd been plenty of opportunities for her to make a move or tell him how she felt about him. She knew he felt it too. It was implicit in both his words and his actions. Something wonderful that was never spoken. He'd tried to move them forward by asking her for dinner several times, but she'd always had to refuse. She was a single mother and her responsibilities to Noah had to come first.

She'd thought there would be time for them. That they would someday get there. Maybe when Noah was a bit older, or when life was a little less complicated. If she'd known what was going to happen; that their world was going to be shattered by this case, she would have responded differently. She would have let him take her out, let him wine her and dine her.

But now she'd never know what it would feel like to be wooed by Rafael Barba. And woo he would, because she knew that underneath his big, brass ego, was a romantic soul. It may have been hardened by past relationships, but Olivia felt its softness and warmth every day. In every look they shared, every word they spoke.

She would never know the feel of his lips on hers, the warmth of his hand enveloping hers, the delight of his weight above her in bed. She would never again sit next to him in Forlini's or meet him for coffee or watch as he and Noah built Lego robots together.

'You could,' the voice said. 'Go to him.'

She looked at her watch. It was late, nearing ten pm. Noah was fast asleep in bed. Could she really call Lucy and ask her to come over, just so she could go and talk to Rafael?

'Not just to talk to him. To tell him how you feel and finally have it out with him, once and for all.'

It was something she'd never got to do with Elliot; she never had that closure and for years afterwards, she had always wondered, 'what if…'. She didn't want that with Rafael. She didn't want their relationship to come down to regrets and wonderings. She needed to know she'd done everything in her power to save it.

She reached for her phone and found Lucy's number. She would claim a work emergency and then pay the girl double and take Noah out for breakfast to assuage her conscience. She would go to him and she would have her say. Then… well, she could only hope. But anything had to be better than the pain and uncertainty she felt right now.

It was almost eleven o'clock at night and Rafael Barba was packing. He sat on his living room floor, dressed in sweats and a faded Harvard t-shirt, surrounded by boxes and haphazard piles of books, CDs and DVDs. He'd given notice to his landlord the day he was charged knowing that he was, most likely, going to jail. And that even if, by some miracle, he was found not guilty, he would not be keeping his job, and the salary that went with it that allowed him the luxury of his Park Avenue condo.

In the end, the decision to leave the DA's office had been his and his alone. Jack McCoy had offered Rafael his support should he want to stay, but he couldn't. There was a stain on his reputation now. Everyone knew what he'd done. Some people agreed with him and thought he'd made the right decision, but some didn't. And to them, the not guilty verdict wouldn't matter one iota. His position had, in his view, become untenable.

So now he was unemployed and about to be homeless. It hadn't taken long for a new tenant to be found. After all, his building was in one of the most sought-after locations in the city. He was leaving his furniture for the next tenant, but Rafael had booked a removal company to take most of his personal items to the storage unit he'd rented. They would be here in the morning.

He was packing away his collection of Tom Wolfe books when he heard it. He recognised the tell-tale timbre of the knock immediately. He knew exactly who was on the other side of the door without even having to look. He toyed with the idea of ignoring her, but he knew she'd keep knocking. Sighing, he stood from the floor and made his way to the door. He opened it and, sure enough, there on the other side was the one person he both wanted to see and avoid in equal measure.

He tried to ignore the signs of her distress; her dishevelled hair, red eyes, the lines on her face. He knew he was the cause and he hated it.

"Liv, what are you doing here?"

She stepped passed him without an invitation. "We need to talk."

"There's nothing left to say. It's-"

"For you maybe, but I still need to-" As they rounded the corner into the living area, she stopped short at the sight of all the boxes; some were closed, sealed, and labelled, while others were still half empty. "Y-you're packing?" Her stomach churned at the thought. Even though he'd told her he was leaving, she hadn't imagined he'd move out of New York; run off to God knows where. No. She'd thought he'd remain local, at least for his Mom's sake. "Why?"

Rafael ran his hand through his hair. "Liv, I told you, I've got to move on."

"No! You can't. You can't just say… what you did and then leave. I…" she trailed off, the emotions that had been raging inside of her for the past nine days finally becoming too much. Her hand flew to her mouth, as she choked out a sob.

Rafael was at her side instantly. His arms reached for her, just as they had in her office when she broke down over Noah's kidnapping. Had that really only been two months before? So much had happened since then. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Hey, hey. Ssh," he cooed, pulling her into an embrace.

She flung her arms around him and held him tightly as the sobs came. She hadn't intended to break down like this. She hadn't wanted him to see how much his decision to leave had affected her. But in the end, it was all too much. She couldn't hold back her emotions any longer.

She pulled back to look at him, swiping at the tears on her cheeks. "I can't lose you, Rafa. I can't. We're supposed to be squabbling at 85, remember?"

He stroked her hair with a sigh, desperately trying to keep his own tears from falling. "I know. I remember."

"I understand your reasons for resigning… your need to… move on from the work. I do. But," she swallowed, gesturing to the boxes that littered his living room, "does that really have to mean leaving?"

"I have to."

Olivia bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut to keep further tears at bay.

"For a little while, at least. Without the job… without the expensive suits, the suspenders… I don't know who I am anymore, Liv."

"I know who you are. You are a decent man. You're a son, a friend. You're 'Uncle Rafa'."

He smiled at that, it was the first genuine smile Olivia had seen from him in days, but it didn't last. It quickly turned into a frown.

"After what I did, I'm surprised you'd want me anywhere near Noah."

"You did what you thought was right. I stand by what I said after the Mariel McLaughlin case. I still have absolute faith in your humanity. What better role model could I want for my son?"

"I kept thinking about him, y'know… Noah. Since the moment you called me with this case. I kept seeing him lying there, feeling nothing but pain. I can barely stand it when he grazes his knee, Liv. To think of him like that…"

Pain flashed across his face and he sank down to the sofa. He dropped his head into his hands and clawed his fingers through his scalp. Olivia didn't miss the noticeable tremor of his fingers as they slid through the silky brown strands. She sat on the coffee table in front of him, watching as his eyes clenched shut.

Minutes passed before he finally raised his head and met Olivia's inquiring gaze. His eyes were pools of tears, but he refused to let them fall. He reached out and clasped her hand in his, entwining their fingers.

"When I saw what Drew's condition… his pain was doing to his parents, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what it would do to you if Noah was ever in a similar situation." His words were low and hesitant, Olivia had to lean forward to even hear them. "Seeing how distraught you were when Sheila Porter took Noah, experiencing that with you, I realised the pain that parents go through when their children are suffering. I hated that I couldn't stop the pain for you and Noah, but I could stop it for Drew and for Maggie and Aaron."

"Oh, Rafa. I'm sorry," she sighed, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

His brow furrowed. "Why?"

"You said it yourself earlier; I caused this. I destroyed your black-and-white world."

He shook his head vehemently. "No. My black-and-white world may have been easy, Liv but it was boring and lonely." He could feel her eyes boring into him as she hung onto his every word. "You and Noah brought colour, yes, but that's not a bad thing. You made me feel…alive. You helped me to love."

Her eyes widened. It had been implied in his words outside the courthouse, but to hear them fall from his lips with such ease and sincerity was something else. Her stomach churned again as butterflies took up residence there, but this time it wasn't an altogether unpleasant sensation. It was the sweet anticipation of a possible future.

"L-love?"

"Yes, love. I should have said it this afternoon, but I was selfish, I thought if I said it, it'd be harder to leave you, but I was wrong. Nothing could have made walking away from you any harder than it was."

"So, what? You're telling me you love me, so it'll make it easier for you to walk away?"

"No! Liv. I'm not walking away… Not for good. I just need to get away for a while. I'm telling you how I feel… so you don't have to wonder… so you know that I will come back."

"Can't you just stay?"

Rafael shook his head. "I wish I could, but I'm not the person you or Noah need right now."

"Where will you go? I hate the thought of you being alone."

"Rita has a yacht."

"Of course she does," Olivia commented, rolling her eyes.

Rafael's lips twitched into a small smile. "Well, originally it was her ex-husband's yacht. Naturally, she got it in the divorce. It's moored just outside Miami. She's offered it to me for as long as I want. It's quiet and secluded – which is just what I need right now. And I won't be completely alone. We can still call, text, email. Noah can keep me updated on Eddie the Elephant's latest shenanigans."

"He's getting worse you know – last week he ate all the Girl Scout cookies."

"Even the Caramel deLites?"

Olivia made a face. "No. Like myself and Noah, Eddie doesn't like the coconut ones."

"Why buy them then… oh." Her pointed look gave her the answer. She bought them for him. For when they worked on case-prep at her place. It had never occurred to him before, that she did things like that, but now he thought about it… She didn't drink Scotch either, yet there was always a bottle in the cupboard.

"If I'd known you were leaving town, I'd have brought them with me. Something for you to snack on during your flight."

Rafael shook his head. "Save them for me?"

Olivia nodded. "I will." Even if she had to freeze them, his box of Caramel deLites would be waiting for him when he returned. Sitting in the cupboard next to the half empty bottle of Maclellan, it would a testament to his promise and their future.

The fact that he planned on coming back eased some of her apprehension, but she couldn't help the tear that escaped and ran down her face, at the thought of him leaving, albeit temporarily.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." The thought of not seeing him every day filled her with a deep, terrible ache.

"You'll be fine, Liv." He lifted his hand to her cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears that had fallen. "You're the strongest woman I know. You'll get through this. We both will. And, when I've sorted my head out, when I'm the person you and Noah deserve, I'll come back to you Liv, I promise. To both of you."

"You'd better because God help me, Rafa, if you don't I will hunt you down."

"And I definitely do not want that," he chuckled. He'd seen her temper and did not want to be on the receiving end. What he did want was to hold her, to fall asleep next to her and pretend the rest of the world, and the troubles it brought with it, didn't exist.

"Do you… do you need to get back to Noah soon?"

"No. I told Lucy I had to work. She brought her overnight bag so…"

Their gazes met, and he swallowed nervously. Olivia pushed aside all her fears and worries and leaned into the man sitting in front of her. She allowed herself to be drawn into a kiss that was filled with passion and love. She would lose herself in this. In him. She would allow her mind to be silenced for a moment. She went, willingly, when he stood and drew her back toward his bedroom. They had just this night; they would part come morning. Until that moment arrived, Olivia put everything else aside. She thought of nothing else but the warmth, of the way that her body tingled when he touched her. She thought of nothing but the peace that settled over her when she was held in those arms. Nothing else mattered.

Morning came too soon. Olivia was lying with her head pillowed on his bicep as the sky outside grew light.

Neither of them had slept much. It was as if, the moment they closed their eyes, their time together would be over. Olivia let out a breath and lifted her head. She rested her chin against her hands and looked up at him. She found him watching her. There wasn't much time left. She needed to get back to Noah and he needed to finish his packing and be on his way. Her teeth scraped against her bottom lip at the thought. It wasn't an image she liked to entertain.

"We should get up," she whispered, even though she was loath to do it.

He pulled her tighter to him and dropped a kiss to her head. "Not yet."

Outside the world was growing brighter. Light made its way through the curtains. It cast shadows in the room. Minutes ticked by, far more than either of them wanted to count. Olivia exhaled a quiet breath while her gaze moved over his face. She knew him so well but still, she took this moment to memorise the sight of him. She had seen him in any number of ways, in dozens of moods and locations. It was this that she wanted to take with her, however.

"I love you." Her voice was thick, barely above a whisper, as if by speaking she would cause the bubble that surrounded them to burst.

His fingers pushed her hair back, away from her face and behind her ear. His thumb stroked the curve of her cheek. "I know. I love you too," he told her. Rafael drew his gaze away from her face. It flitted over the clock. They weren't going to be able to ignore the time for much longer. He looked at her again and his eyes were soft. "I am coming back," he promised.

"I know." She tipped her face toward him for one more kiss before they left the quiet sanctuary of his bed, and hoped that it was true.

They walked slowly, hand-in-hand, down to her car, neither wanting to part but knowing it was necessary for him to go away and heal. Olivia leaned back against her driver's side door and looked at him. There wasn't much sunlight this morning. Fog was still hanging heavily in the air. It seemed to fit her mood. Her fingers slid lazily along his as their hands parted.

"Be careful," he whispered.

"Shouldn't that be my line?" she tilted her head at him and smiled.

"I'm always careful." He grinned crookedly at her, but usual sparkle was gone from his eyes. "Tell Noah I'll see him soon, yeah?"

She nodded and reached up and laid her hand against his chest, where his suspenders would normally have been. Her fingers stroked slowly downward. She blinked back tears at the thought that she may have seen him in suspenders for the last time. Not that she didn't appreciate the casual look, she did; it was very becoming. But he'd worn suspenders for as long as she'd known him; they were as much a part of him as his sharp wit and big brass ego.

"You should go." Rafael's voice rumbled quietly in the fog-filled air.

"Let me know when you get to Miami. Just so I know you're okay."

"I will. I'll text you." He'd offer to call but he knew that wouldn't be a good idea. He was managing to stay quite upbeat in her presence, but he knew as soon as he was alone on that boat, he was going to hit the bottle. Hard. He needed to forget. He curled an arm around her waist and drew her toward him. "I'll call you in a few days when I've sorted my head out…"

She stood there, and when his hands moved to her shoulders, she lifted her head. She tipped it back and smiled up at him. "I should go," she echoed. It was getting harder for her to leave.

She closed the gap between them and kissed him and pressed her lips against his. As he moved backwards, she moved with him. Her hands curled into the front of his t-shirt, but the kiss broke when she heard her car door open. Olivia pulled away slowly. Her eyes fluttered open. She stared at him for just a moment before slipping into the car while he held the door for her. She felt the closing of it jolt through her. It was a separation of only a few inches, but it already seemed like the hundreds of miles that separated New York City and Miami.

She looked up at him through the window and pressed the tips of her fingers to her lips. With her other hand, she started the car. She pressed her fingers to the window and then pulled away, slowly. She pulled her gaze away with some degree of difficulty and concentrated on driving. As she pointed the car away from the building, and away from Rafael, she felt the ache in her throat. She breathed slowly, her hands held tightly to the steering wheel. It was not until she was out of sight of his apartment that she let go of a long, shuddering breath and a single tear made its way down her cheek.