The Hangover II (broHiJacked)

In which Hiccup is Stu, Jack is Phil, and Alan stays as Alan because at first I had no ideas for someone to take his place and then I had too many half-assed ones so I left it for the reader to choose because reasons.

He couldn't. He just. Fucking. Couldn't. He was saying something, or he thought he was saying something, or that was just sounds coming out of his mouth but-shit, he just didn't even know anymore. He had his life planned out perfectly-perfectly. He would get married to Astrid, the true love of his live. He would avoid all things crazy, and end up happily together with Astrid doing the do on their honeymoon.

Instead he loses a full 24 hours of memory-again-and finds out a man with boobs shot his load in his bottom. A MAN. WITH BOOBS. SHOT A LOAD. INTO HIS FUCKING BOTTOM.

Hiccup just kept right on walking, he didn't even know where they were going, all he knew was that he did NOT like what he just heard and oh gods why did these things keep happening to him!

"Hiccup…It's not the end of the world." Hiccup couldn't disagree more with what Jack just said but all that was coming out of his mouth was incomprehensible sounds of anguish so he couldn't really say anything that made sense at the moment because he just found out he had gay sex holy fuck.

"I'm sorry but I am so confused…" If Alan didn't stop being Alan really soon, Hiccup was going to make sure to punch out his two front teeth. And he wasn't going to replace them.

"I…I made love to a man…with boobies?!" Hiccup stumbled away from a crack in the street, voice breaking and high-pitched in shocked horror. He couldn't. He seriously just could not.

"Listen. I promise you, no one's ever gonna find out about this." Jack came up to him, giving him a quick grip on the shoulders to steady him, even though Hiccup still kept stumbling over air. But Jack didn't get it. He didn't have a man with boobies shoot a load in his ass. Hiccup did.

"B-But we just found out about it!" He was about to just fall right there and cry. He really was. He had a MAN shoot a LOAD in his ASS. This was horrible, absolutely horrible! Not only had he basically cheated on Astrid, he'd gotten fucked in the ass! By a man with boobies!

"And then we forget, that's what we do!" Jack kept looking him in the eyes, kept making sure that he knew that everything was going to be okay, kept him grounded. The blue-eyed ladies man let out a few laughs, rocking back and forth as he remembered all the ridiculous and idiotic things he'd done in life. "I've been in so much fucked up shit, and I just forget about it!" Jack chuckled, raising his shoulders up in a half-shrug with a carefree attitude. This was basically the way he lived his life, and it hadn't been proven wrong yet. Maybe Hiccup could live like that too and just forget about all that just happened.

"Yeah?"
"Yeah! You just forget, it goes away!" Jack waved a hand in the air, and smiled upon seeing Hiccup giving him a timid one in return. Sure, the guy still looked like he wanted to drop right there and ball his eyes out, but at least they were getting somewhere now. Jack tilted his head to the side, considering for a moment before keeping up his pep talk. "That might be harder to go away but in time it'll happen."

Hiccup took a deep breath, somehow preventing a sob, and started bobbing his head up and down in some stiff resemblance of nodding. "Okay…T-that's what I'm gonna do…" He licked his lips and swallowed hard, face turning to an ugly grimace as he struggled to not cry. "I'll j-just forget about it!" His voice might have cracked at the end there.

Jack gave him a proud smirk and nodded. "Never happened."

"Great!"

In which Jack as Phil gets shot because I had to.

"No no no no, I don't understand, I don't understand what you said, I don't understand what you're saying!"

The two men on the motorcycle took off, leaving Jack with no clue what the hell just happened. Both he and Hiccup jumped out of the way to avoid getting their feet run over. "What he said?!" Jack started running after them, yelling to be heard over the engine. "What he say!"

The man in the back turned around, accent heavy but English still very much understandable. He yelled out, "He said fahck yu' and yoah questians!", before pulling out a gun and shooting Jack.

Jack couldn't even register what happened until after it happened. Or something like that, because he saw the guy shooting, just didn't feel it until he'd been thrown on his ass and onto the floor and wow his shoulder burned. " Oah! AAh! Ooh, my ARM!" Hiccup and Alan started running to him, but all Jack could do was twist around and try to grab his arm without grabbing it because shit this fucking hurt!

"Hah! Hoah! It hurts! Oh my fucking arm hurts! Argh my arm!" Roll, roll, grab it but don't touch 'cause it hurts even more and it buuuuuuuurns! "Jack! Ja-Hoh my god, Jack!" Hiccup popped into view but Jack screwed his eyes shut because this fucking hurt. "OH FUCK!"

Alan was on his side trying to help him up and touching his arm fuck he was touching the one that got shot OW! " It's alright Jack, it's alright. We'll figure this all out, and get the monkey back I promise!" Hiccup didn't even know what the fuck to think anymore and was just fumbling around his friend because he just had no idea what the fuck to think anymore.

"No one gives a FUCK about the monkey Alan!" Was this guy serious?! He'd just been shot and he was talking about a fucking monkey?! Jack picked himself up-owowow-and stumbled over to lean on a wall-owowow. "Oh shit look at my arm!"

Hiccup froze, spazzed out, then just started stomping in circles with his arms and legs flailing around because he just couldn't.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

Alan was fanning him with his hat, but Jack really needed a doctor because his arm was burning and–wait Hiccup's a doctor!
"Hiccup, am I gonna be okay, you're a doctor–"
"I don't know lemme look, lemme look" He did some weird jumpy-walky thing over to Jack and timidly looked at his shoulder. He brought a hand up as if to touch it, then promptly freaked out with a loud-ass scream and jumping away like he'd just seen his parents having sex. But with a gorey edge to it.

Jack didn't know if that meant shit was bad or if it meant shit was bad. "W-wha, hey, no but you didn't look at it!" Hiccup jumped, flailed, put his hand up, flailed, and walked away.

"No but- Hiccup Haddock! Get your ass back over here!
"You got shot!"
"I know!"

I do not own How To Train Your Dragon, The Hangover, Rise of the Guardians, or anything else that I would obviously not own. This is a contribution to the HiJack Revolution. I am not against gay people or people from foreign countries or monkeys or really anything like that. This is comedy, so of course there were a few exagerations. Besides, I'm pretty sure Stu was thinking along those lines, I had to make it authentic right?