For starters, I have no idea how long this will be. The plot will be an adventure for all of us (woooo! … ? … !)

Also – I'm guesstimating the Degrassi timeline in this between Sparks Will Fly/Thunderstruck because who the fuck knows what Degrassi's doing there. Okay? Okays.

1 last note: I'll try to portray everyone accurately here. Some decisions may or may not be in or out of character. I don't know yet. The characters don't know yet. No one knows. All I know is that season 13 has been OOC as hell so here's my slight attempt at maybe making it a bit (kinda sorta) better. Here we go.

-sociality

Nothing was ever easy for us. There was always some kind of out that would split us up or damage us in ways that more times than not made the idea of us seem impossible. But for whatever reason – God, the universe, what have you – we always found our way back to each other. And I found that kind of strange. How no many how many times you beat a person down, you always find yourself going back to them.

I could spend hours upon hours recounting for every fight, every argument, every issue and pinpoint every last reason why we hadn't worked out in the past. I could go to and fro with logical explanations to stay as far away from him as humanly possible. For the average person, these reasons would be red flags. But I wasn't average. Neither was he. So for me, none of them mattered.

Sitting on my bed, I recalled the time in the hospital in my sophomore year when I first broke up with him, afraid of his manipulation the issues he was struggling with from his past and pre-diagnosed bipolar disorder. I remembered the second break up and the third. All the reasons, regrets, and pain. But I couldn't feel it anymore. It was like it had just…disappeared.

I looked at the papers in my hand, the words that sang me a congratulations on my early acceptance to Columbia University straight from the admissions office itself. To say that I was elated to have been accepted would be a major understatement. I actually couldn't remember a time that I had felt so much joy and triumph. Not since I had gone into remission.

This meant that I could go to New York. I could start over on trying to get ahold of my journalism career. I could be back with him. With Eli. We'd be in the same city again. No more missing each other or troubles of being miles upon miles apart. Everything seemed like it was finally falling right into place. And it had been so long since everything just seemed perfect – it was a feeling that I strongly missed.

Though at the same time I couldn't help but feel a nagging pang of guilt hit me right in the stomach.

It had been three weeks since I had gotten the call from the doctor's office in New York. And since then I had been pacing back and forth, debating in my mind whether the information that had been given to me was correct or not. Of course it had to be, the hospital checked my blood work. And that's more accurate than taking a simple test, right?

It had to be right.

But they had to be wrong.

Why was it that once everything seemed to be going perfectly, something else went wrong? It was like I was being punished for just being an adult – for growing up. Then again, if the test results were true, what I did (while it was "adult") wasn't very mature. And there's a pretty thick line between the two.

I jumped at the sound of my phone buzzing next to me, seeing Alli's name light up across the screen. She'd known for about two weeks. To be honest, I was actually impressed that I had gone a complete week without telling her what was going on. She just assumed my weirdness was Eli related. Which on some level was true. But mostly…kinda not.

It was mostly me related. And how I was supposed to deal with the fact that inside of me was another growing person. It was a person, right? Or maybe it was too early to be considered a person. I was still debating on whether or not I had a clear stance on one side of the issue or the other.

Ali had a firm stance, though.

"To be safe, you have about 49 days from your last menstrual period," she told me. I cringed. "Seven weeks. You have seven weeks to figure out what your opinion is. Well…now you have maybe three."

Three weeks.

According to Dr. Bhandari, I had three weeks to decide if I thought the fetus was a being and if it was an option or not to, you know, stop it from possibly becoming a being. And in all honesty, I didn't like having to make that kind of a decision.

I remembered back to when Alli thought she was pregnant. I had told her that abortion was always an option. Or at least I had alluded to it and she understood what I meant. But I knew that it would be something that maybe she'd consider. But me? I didn't know. I didn't know my stance on anything lately. It was like I was one jumbled up mess of confusion.

"What are you gonna do, Clare?" was used instead of a nice, warming 'hello'.

I sighed and fell onto my back, instantly wondering if I should be more cautious with how I moved my body. "I don't know, I…I don't think I'm gonna know for a while."

"You don't have a while, you have to make this decision before it's too late. Because once it's too late – "

"Once it's too late, it's dangerous. I know." I rubbed my temples with the hand that wasn't holding the phone to my ear. "But I can't make this decision in a few days, Alli, I need more time. I just…I don't know."

"Are you gonna tell Drew? Or is that on the backburner, too?"

I paused, catching my breath. Of course I had considered the fact that I'd have to tell Drew as well. I mean, there wasn't really a possibility of the baby being Eli's considering I wasn't that far along and it had been a while since Eli and I had…been together. And the fact that it was Drew's just made all the regret push back up to my brain.

If I had the baby, I'd have to tell Drew. Which meant telling Eli that I had sex with Drew. Which would mean that he'd hate me and that I couldn't go to Columbia and my life would pretty much suck. This made the idea of an abortion sound a little sweeter but at the same time…how could I?

"Just remember that no matter what you decide, I've got your back."

"Thanks," I whispered. "I just want this all to go away so I can go to New York this summer and be happy. I just want things to be as close to normal as possible."

"They can be," she concluded. "It could be perfect, just like you want it. You just have to make sure you can live with that perfection. You know my opinion but in this? You need to have your own."

I stared at my phone after hanging up. I knew I had to make this decision on my own. It was my body and it would be my future so I had to decide what would be the best for me. But I couldn't help but want to call Eli. Once upon a time he had been my go-to person for advice. For help. But I couldn't. Not with this.

Scrolling through my contacts, I paused. Adam. Why I hadn't erased his number yet, I was unsure. Maybe because part of me was still holding out some sliver of delusion that last summer had never happened. That he was still there. And god, could I ever need him there. Where Alli ran on emotions a lot of the time and where Eli lacked good judgment in some areas, Adam always had a solid head on his shoulders. I could go to him with anything and know that what I was hearing was sensible and truthful.

I ran my hands down my face and let out a long, choking sigh. I hadn't realized how close to absolute tears I was in that moment. I hadn't realized how exhausted I was. Sure, physically. But also emotionally. The past few months were taking their toll with everything that had happened. From the cancer to Adam to Eli and Drew and all the in-betweens…

All I wanted was a break. A long, long break. I wished I could just close my eyes and pretend like none of it was happening. That none of the past had happened. In my mind, just for one moment, I wanted my best friend back. I wanted Eli back. I wanted to take back what I had done with Drew. I just wanted everything to settle.

So I closed my eyes, ignored the tears, and I pretended. I pretended until the tears started turning into hiccups. Until the hiccups turned into headaches. Until the headaches turned into dizziness and then eventually sleep. In my sleep, none of this was happening. In my sleep I could escape if only for a few minutes. That's all I wanted. Just a few minutes.