A Shot at Love with…Alfred?

Camera pans over what appears to be the old Spencer Estate from a bird's eye view. Flo Rida's 'Low' starts blaring as the scene switches to Alfred dancing around the front of the building. "HELLO TO ALL OF MY HOMIES! I just want to give a shout out all the fat bitches!" The depraved Ashford man yells into the microphone, shaking what his momma gave him.

Without warning Ken comes rolling by in a Buick, shooting like a mad man. "SHUT YO MOUTH YOU RACIST BASTARD!" All miss and Ken crashes into a nearby tree.

Wincing, Alfred quickly grabs the camera and focuses it on himself. "SO! We've been demoted to the eighth ring of Hell. That's right, we're on basic cable. Something about me stalking Oprah caused a lawsuit. ANYWAY! Today marks the first day that I decided to stop being Steve's ether bunny and am putting my fine ass on the market!" Turning to the cast, his daisy duke shorts cause the camera lens to crack. "So! Since I can't use EHarmony without one of you hacking my profile and putting all sorts of profane things on it.. ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO DO!"

"…Seriously?" Wesker asks, face screwing up.

"Seriously!" Alfred replies with a giggle. "Play your cards right Al, and you and I could spend a weekend in the pool with a package of hotdogs. Teehee!"

"I'm out." Without another word Wesker marches off, dragging Jill by her ponytail.

"FINE! I didn't want either of you anyway! Blondes are bimbos!"

"But aren't you—" Rebecca starts, but is swiftly interrupted by Alfred crowding in front of the camera.

"ANYWAY! First challenge will be to buy me something that I like. Based on what you know about me already, you should have a clue. GO!"

Camera switches to Rebecca sitting in a chair. "You know… I really don't want to be here. I have laundry to do and Billy to stalk. Alfred and I could never make a relationship work. It's not that I have a problem with his transsexual behavior, it's just… I don't like it when a guy wants to wear my panties."

Camera changes to Alfred sitting in a chair alone. "Rebecca wears granny panties, I don't know why I even have her here."

Five hours later, the gang regroups at the Estate. Everyone lined up, Alfred paces back and forth in front of all of them. "SO! Who wants to go first?"

Billy steps up, handing Alfred a small box. The crazed Ashford man takes it and opens it. "It's a… quarter?"

"Indeed it is, Alfred. Call someone who cares." Random 'YEEEEAAAAHHH!' is heard as Billy dons some shades and walks out the door.

"THAT BASTARD!" Throwing the box down, Alfred snaps his fingers. "Next!"

Barry offers a half-eaten sandwich. "Jill made it."

"That joke is more worn out than Kim Kardashian's cooch after a weekend loitering around the Apollo Theatre. NEXT!"

Somewhere in the distance Ken screams "RACIST!"

"I'm not racist. Just ask my ex-boyfriend Rupaul."

Camera switches to Rupaul seated in an armchair. "Alfred Ashford? That Third-Reich bitch is racist as Hell! He powdered my butt white and painted himself with black face one night. Who does that?! That bitch is not right."

For some reason the camera switches to William Birkin sitting on a stool. "Alexia Ashford is a ****!"

Back to Alfred, his outfit changed to an evening gown and he's handcuffed to Jill Valentine. "Well, everyone failed! So, I just picked Jill as the winner because it pisses off that blonde Alfred wannabe!"

Camera switches to Wesker sitting in a hot tub surrounded by women in bikinis. "I think Alfred is a closet heterosexual and that's why he keeps picking Jill as the winner for these stupid challenges. This has nothing to do with me."

Scene changes to Chris hugging and slobbering all over a bowflex. "I wish you'd tell me that you loved me, Flexy."