Realization

by Exaggerated Memories

Realization always came too late for him. It was his curse, to not see reality for what it was until he was in a position where he was powerless to do anything about it. AH.

A/N: So, yeah I don't really have an explanation of this...It's mostly told through the past, which are in italics. I hope you like it! Leave a review either way.

Realization always came too late for him. It was his curse, to not see reality for what it was until he was in a position where he was powerless to do anything about it.

"Are you ready?" The voice of the petite brunette drifted to him. It was still soft and tinkling as ever, despite the grief tainting it.

He had known this girl, Angela, virtually his whole life, though they had never talked very much. Still, it always amazed him how much Angela looked like her. He remembered how people back in high school would often confuse the two, especially in pictures, not quite sure who was who. He always knew, though. There was a difference in the way her smile lit up her face, crinkling her eyes to near slits; in the way her hair shone just a little red in the sunlight; in the way she moved, telling a story with her whole body rather than just her words.

She was the most beautiful girl in the world to him.

He wondered why it had taken him so long to realize that.

"Jasper! Earth to Jasper!" He looked up at the girl waving her hand in front of his face. Everyone in the lane was staring expectantly at him, annoyed. Only the girl standing in his direct line of sight had a smile plastered on her face, though he expected it was to hide the concern in her eyes. If anyone else had looked at him with eyes like that, he would've scowled at them and made sure to stay out of their path, lest they try to dig deeper into his problems.

By now, everyone had figured out that Alice, his long-term girlfriend, and he had broken up. They had agreed not to tell anyone, not wanting to draw unwanted attention to themselves. So, he had kept quiet about the whole thing, not even telling the girl in front of him, despite the fact that she was the closest thing he had to a best friend. Now, though, there was no way that she didn't know about the breakup. If she was hurt at the fact that he hadn't told her, she never brought it up. In fact, she made sure not to bring the whole topic up at all, preferring instead to let him mention it when he was ready. That was why he didn't mind the concern in her eyes too much; he knew she wouldn't push, unlike the others.

"Yes, Bella?" he asked, drawing out the syllables teasingly.

"You're leading this set," she said smugly, putting her hands on her hips, while at the same time putting the concern in her eyes away.

His own eyes narrowed at her, momentarily forgetting all the thoughts swarming around in his head for once. "You don't even belong in a lane this low, why aren't you leading them?"

Bella pursed her lips in thought, no doubt trying to figure the best course of action to take with him. He knew that she knew that he had a point. She really should be in a much faster swim lane, but he also knew that she liked spending the extra time with him. He didn't mind. She was the only person on the team who was more than just bearable at best, plus she would rub his arms when he got cold in an effort to heat him up, a gesture that was always welcomed from her.

"Well, I'm not the one who ditched dryland to go do God-knows-what, so I'm way more tired than you are. And since I led all the harder sets anyways, you'll have no problem leading these last ones." One of her eyebrows rose up, just daring him to challenge her ruling.

"Why do I have to do it just because you're not?"

"You lost at 'Nose Goes'. So GO!" she yelled at him, pushing him to swim before a coach came over to give them a hard time. He sighed internally, complying with her wishes.

He soon found out, however, that the only reason she wanted him to go first was so she could go after him and bother him by grabbing onto his ankle to slow him down and pull her along. Annoyed, he stopped on the other wall to let her pass him.

Instead, she pushed herself out of the pool, sitting on the edge and feigned foot cramps so that the other swimmers would go by them without question. He glared at her, commenting on how irksome she was today. When they had all passed, she grinned at him, tearing her goggles and cap off.

For some reason, everything went into slow motion for Jasper. Bella shook out the waves in her hair, which somehow managed to stay mostly dry, letting them bounce around her shoulders. She threw her head back in infectious laugher, leaning back on her hands as she did so. He watched, mesmerized. True, the swimsuits weren't the most flattering things for the girls to wear, but this one didn't look so bad on Bella. Stretched out like that, he could get a good look at her body. She had lean legs that seemed to go on for miles in that suit. Her torso, in comparison, was extremely short, making her legs look even longer. Her hips were slim, but round, and tapered into an even slimmer waist. And then there was her chest. She often reminded him—and the rest of the world—that it was the one area of her body she was gifted in. He noticed now that it truly was the only part of her body that was not small and petite. Even now, it couldn't be fully restrained in her swimsuit.

He let his eyes wander up her slender neck to her face. He had always known somewhere in the back of his mind that she was pretty, but it was the kind of knowledge in which one knows that one's sister is pretty; it was a fact, yes, but certainly not one he dwelled on. Now, he saw that "pretty" was an understatement. She was radiant.

She stopped laughing when she felt his stare on her. He couldn't stop, even when she self-consciously asked what he was looking at.

"You," he whispered.

Her eyes widened, but he didn't know what her reaction meant. He was too busy focusing on his newfound realization.

Bella Swan was a girl.

Not just any girl, either. Bella was a sexy, beautiful, gorgeous girl. He quickly glanced down her body again, at her slightly spread legs and heaving chest. She was a sexy, beautiful, gorgeous girl who was giving him feelings he hadn't felt for anyone but his ex-girlfriend before.

Her eyes looked so innocent, it felt wrong to be subtly checking her out, but Jasper didn't know how else to deal with these new feelings that had unfolded. When she bit her lip in worry, all he could focus on was kissing her and how soft her lips would feel under his.

"Jasper?" she asked, hesitantly, hopefully. But he didn't know what she was hoping for, and he needed to clear his brain, fast. He started to feel the telltale stirring down south, and he didn't want Bella, or anyone, for that matter, to see him like this, so he decided to leave.

"If the coaches ask, tell them I wasn't feeling well, so I went home early," he said, before swimming down to the other side, hopping out, and grabbing his towel to hide his predicament. He could feel Bella's eyes follow him as he ran down the stairs that led to the locker room, but all he could worry about was getting to his car. Only when he was in the safe confines of it, did he realize that he shouldn't be thinking of Bella this way. It was wrong. She was his friend. Even more wrong was the fact that he knew that she loved him. She didn't bother trying to hide her feelings toward him, nor did she make a move on him, especially when he was still with his girlfriend. She just accepted it as something that could not be changed and certainly not as something that should ruin their friendship. Since she hadn't seemed to care, he didn't either. It was just another fact to him, like the sky being blue and water being wet. Bella loved him. Somehow, that made all of this worse. If she were to find out he thought of her in a sexual way, it would be like using her, like trying to manipulate her feelings for him so he could get what he wanted. Even without her finding out, he felt like he was using her.

Jasper decided that he would never think of Bella that way again.

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done, and in the weeks to come, he often found himself fantasizing about the beautiful girl who was his best friend.

"Jasper."

The man in question blinked and looked towards the source of the voice. He had momentarily gotten lost in thought and, for a second, he had forgotten where he was. Unfortunately, he hadn't forgotten for long. Reality came crashing down furiously on him, and he swallowed hard before asking Angela to repeat what she had said.

"I asked you if you needed help with your tie."

Jasper looked down at the mess of knots that was supposed to be his tie. He was never good with those things, even when he wasn't preoccupied with memories from the past. He simply nodded, letting the small girl deftly undo the knots with her nimble fingers. In no time, she had the tie properly done. She patted it down so it wasn't sticking out, staring into space, lost in her thoughts for a moment. Jasper didn't make an effort to move, knowing she would snap out of it soon.

When she finally did, she looked up at the tall man and gave him a sad smile. "We should go now," she said as she reached her hand up to tuck a stray lock of golden hair behind his ear. He leaned slightly into her touch, remembering another time when another set of fingers did the same thing.

"I'll wait with you until AAA gets here," Bella promised as Jasper hung up the phone.

"I'm fine for half an hour if you don't want to wait," he responded, slightly annoyed that he had to wait at all. He knew something like this would happen if he tried to take the stick shift, but his sister just had to use his car, and their mother let her because it used to be hers anyways. It didn't matter that Jasper actually had places to go, like practice, and Rosalie only wanted to go to the mall to spend their mother's credit card.

Bella just shrugged and leaned back against the wall, crossing her arms under her chest. "No worries. I haven't seen you in a few weeks, and we didn't really get to talk at practice. This is way better than text. 'Sides, I don't have anywhere important to be," she said with an easy, carefree grin. A Bella grin. Jasper hid a smile, secretly pleased that she didn't take him up on his offer. He didn't really want to spend half an hour stuck at school with only his own thoughts. He just nodded at her to show that he heard.

Bella started to look around before spotting the vending machine and pushing off the wall to go sit in front of it. She patted the empty space beside her, motioning to come do the same. He complied easily, as he normally did when Bella wanted him to do something.

For a while, they just sat in comfortable silence. That was one of the things he loved about her: she didn't feel the need to fill every moment with idle chatter. It wasn't until she leaned her head against his shoulder that he decided he wanted to hear the sound of her voice.

"So, how has your summer been? I haven't seen you since school let out."

"Fine," she replied dreamily. "Just fine." She sighed and snuggled closer into him. He decided he liked the feeling enough to pick his arm up and wrap it around her shoulder just to keep her there. When he glanced down at her face, he noticed that Bella seemed surprised, yet pleased. She met his gaze and gave him another of her dazzling Bella smiles. His breath hitched a little before he returned her smile.

"Aw, you guys are so cute together." Jasper and Bella both looked up to find Tanya, a girl on the team, smiling down at them as she was heading out of the P.E. building.

Bella let out a mirthful laugh to accompany the dismissive waves of her hand, but she couldn't hide from him that delicate blush that crept on over her cheeks. He knew her all too well, and, right now, he could see that she was embarrassed at having been caught in such an intimate position with her best friend.

She covered it up well, though. The other girl completely ate up the "You're so silly, Tanya" that Bella threw her way. Tanya just laughed along with Bella and waved goodbye before heading off.

There was a pause. "Well, that was sufficiently awkward," Bella mumbled, more to herself than to Jasper. He responded anyways.

"Not really. We are pretty cute people." He let out a light-hearted chuckle, the first one in weeks, maybe even months. He saw her smile quietly to herself at the sound.

Pulling away slightly to look at him, she asked, "You think I'm cute?"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, he knew his answer could change everything. This was a defining moment in their relationship. She placed the ball in his court, and, now, he had to figure out if he wanted to throw it back at her or walk off the court completely. He paused, debating whether he should take the risk and jump off the cliff or play it safe and keep things the way they were. It was now or never.

He jumped.

"I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. You're so beautiful sometimes it hurts."

At first, Bella just stared at him, not saying anything, not moving, not even blinking. Just staring with unreadable eyes. He began to fidget, thinking he had made a mistake saying that. Perhaps she had changed her mind about him, perhaps she didn't feel the same way as before.

His self-doubting thoughts were cut off by her hand on his cheek.

"That's funny. Because that's the same way I feel when I look at you," she whispered. He gulped as he saw her glance down at his lips, not realizing that he was subconsciously doing the same thing. Their faces gravitated towards each other without their consent. He heard Bella take in a sharp breath at his nearness. The hand on his cheek trailed slowly up the side of his face until it reached the hair that was blocking his eyes fully from her view.

His initial reaction to someone doing that is to flinch away, which is what he started to do whenever anyone threatened to break one of the many barriers he put up between himself and the world.

"Don't. Please don't turn away from me," she begged. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise, everything is going to turn out okay."

Her sincerity and pleading eyes relaxed him and he leaned into her touch because this was Bella, and she was the only person to never hurt him and keep her promises to stay with him. She loved him.

Did he love her?

He wanted to say "no" because to say "yes" would mean to belittle the love that he felt for his ex-girlfriend, the one who had always helped him with his depression and cutting, the one who was always there for him. Except, she wasn't there for him now. Bella was. He realized now that she had always been there for him, too, even before Alice had been there. And she was still here, now. The tingle produced by the tips of her fingers dancing across his cheek was proof of it.

Finally, she brushed his bangs off of his face, behind his ear, fully revealing his eyes to her. While she had seen his eyes completely unobstructed from her view before, it was different this time. There was an intimacy to it, an anticipation of more where there never had been one before.

Jasper stared into her eyes unflinchingly, something he had never been able to do with Alice. He was constantly hiding from the world. But not now, not with Bella. He glanced down at her lips once again, wanting nothing more than to know if they were just as soft as they looked.

Whether he loved her or not, he didn't want to dwell on it right now. All he thought about was that he'd never felt such need for a person's touch like he did at this moment. He couldn't take Bella's uncertain hesitation anymore, tangling his fingers in the hair at the back of her head and closing the gap between them.

Yes, he never seemed to realize important things until it was too late.

Angela's car was parked outside the apartment with another one of their high school classmates waiting in the backseat for them. He didn't want to get in. Maybe if he didn't get in, it wouldn't make it real. He would finally wake up from the nightmare that had been the last days. It had been an agony that had escalated into the total hell of this moment.

Still, as much as he wanted to believe that it was all just a nightmare, he knew he wouldn't be waking up from it. The reality of the situation didn't prevent him from stopping in his tracks and voicing his denial out loud.

"This isn't happening."

Angela paused in her walking when he spoke. She sighed and grabbed his hand, coaxing him to get inside the car.

When they were seated and pulling out of the driveway, she spoke. "I know what you mean. But denying the truth isn't going to change it. You have to be able to accept the truth to yourself. It'll be better that way."

He nodded in false agreement when she took her eyes off the road for a brief moment to look at him.

He knew he should accept the truth. But he was better at pretending that things weren't happening even when they were.

Bella found out about Alice.

He never meant for anything to happen. He never wanted to talk to Alice again, but she sounded so desperate on the phone. Jasper did still care for her after all, so he couldn't deny her request to meet and talk.

He didn't know that talking wasn't the only thing she wanted to do.

And then stupid Edward (God, how he hated Edward) had to go and tell Bella. He had wanted to forget the whole affair ever happened, a mistake at the beginning that could be erased, completely eradicated from history. He should have known that Alice couldn't keep her mouth shut, especially when he told her it couldn't happen again because he wanted to be with someone else.

Alice had looked at him with accusing eyes and, with venom in her voice, asked, "It's Bella, isn't it?"

He hadn't said anything, just shrugged his flannel shirt on over his band shirt and left her bedroom. In his silence, she found her answer, and she hated it. If it had been any other girl, maybe she would have left it alone. Alice wasn't a malicious person, after all. She just hated that Bella had captured so much of his attention when they were together, and thus hated the girl herself. Still, Jasper never thought Alice had it in her to use their stolen afternoon together as a slow knife intended for Bella.

Bella had looked at him with the same accusing eyes Alice had, just more broken.

She asked him if it was true.

In his silence she found her answer.

Bella did something unexpected (of course, when did she ever do anything that wasn't?). When she finally stopped pounding her fists into his chest, backing him up against the lockers in an effort to get him to say it out loud, she fisted her hands into his shirt. Jasper braced himself, thinking she was going to change her tactic to shaking him, but that assault never came. Instead, she brought on an assault of a different kind, quickly standing on her tiptoes and using her momentum to reach his lips with her own.

It only took him a moment to snap out of the shock of the unforeseen gesture. He responded to her, even though he was terrified to.

He was terrified because he could feel an acrid wetness on his lips that he knew had fallen from her eyes because of him. Jasper brought a hand up to wipe them away as he kissed her in an effort to lessen the harshness of the moment. He was terrified because none of their kisses, though passionate, ever felt like this. The desperation of their past kisses was one of desire and heat and potential for the future. This was a desperation that tasted how he imagined falling stars and sinking stones would be like. It was sharp and hard and cutting and brutal. He was terrified because to kiss her back meant to say goodbye. He could taste the bitter word on her tongue as he deepened it, pawing at her hips to press her body as close to his as possible, for once just not giving a shit about where they were or who was watching. He was terrified because when the kiss would end, he knew everything would fade with it.

But he was more terrified of not kissing her, so he let his tongue dance with hers, trying to ignore the bitterness surrounding the moment, seeping into his mouth and sliding down his throat to rest uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach.

She broke the kiss as abruptly as she started it.

She put a hand to his cheek, staring into his eyes for a brief moment.

Then she turned on her heel and walked away from him.

Every moment thereafter was tinged with regret. Every time Jasper saw the hurt in Bella's eyes when they accidently saw each other from across the room, he felt remorse. Even worse than the hurt was the void. He hated looking into her eyes and seeing emptiness, especially knowing he was the cause of it. She had always said (and he had agreed from firsthand experience) that feeling pain and despair was better than feeling nothing at all. Thankfully, the empty lifelessness was rare past the first week or two. That didn't make the hurt and betrayal in her eyes any better, but it was slightly easier for him to stomach. Feeling something was better than not feeling anything at all.

Even so, he wanted to take it all back. He wanted to go back in time and fix everything. So many times, all he had to do was change one thing, one teeny tiny little moment where he could have said or done something differently, and they would still be at least on speaking terms. If he hadn't answered Alice's call that day, if he had told Bella when it happened, if he hadn't omitted the truth, stringing her along and letting her believe that they would lose their virginities to each other because he loved her.

But, if he was being honest with himself, he knew that the moment to change occurred far longer before any of that. He should have told her that day, the day they shared their first kiss. Instead of trying to deny and bury his feelings, he should have told her what he realized that day the moment their lips touched. When they broke away, and she whispered that she loved him, and he didn't respond, it wasn't because he didn't know if he did or not. In his heart, he knew, and the kiss awakened it to his consciousness. He was just scared to admit it so soon after his first failed relationship, so it was with great relief that he heard her tell him that he didn't have to say anything back.

He should have, though. He should have told her then and there. Maybe that would have stopped him from going to Alice when she called him that day in tears.

But he didn't tell her then, and now they were sitting in English class, no longer next to each other, but on opposite sides of the room. He was wearing his hood up with his headphones in because if he could no longer laugh comfortably with Bella and had to pretend she didn't exist, he at least wanted to forget about the existence of everyone else, too. She was slumped over in her chair, shoulders curved in and head down, with her hair acting as a curtain between her and the rest of the world. He hated that he was now included in that category.

When Edward came up next to her and put his arm around her in a thinly veiled attempt to get her to hook up with him later on at some party happening tonight, Jasper saw red. How dare he touch Bella? She deserved better than some sleazy player who couldn't get control over his own hormones.

Jasper deflated a little at this thought. Didn't he just describe himself in a way? Neither of them would be this miserable right now if he had just kept himself under control.

His mind kept running in circles for the remainder of the class. It would start out with him resolving to stay away from her because, in the long run, Bella would be happier if he did. She deserved better, after all. But then, a nagging voice that refused to shut up would whisper a refute in the back of his mind. Who was he to decide what would make her happy? She had been happiest when she was with him. Then, an even smaller voice piped up: tell her the truth. They could both be happy again if he told her the whole truth, starting with the fact that he loved her. Jasper knew that uttering those words to her would be the key to wipe the slate clean in their relationship. She deserved to know the truth, and loving her was the most truthful thing he knew.

Class was almost over, and Jasper had come to a decision. He would take her aside right now and tell her. He would right his wrongs in the best way possible, in the way that he should have done months ago, before he even had the chance to commit those wrongs. But it was better late than never, as Bella always said.

The bell rang, and Jasper waited where he was, knowing that Bella had to pass by him to get out of the classroom. He could feel the words burning his tongue with each moment he held them in, and he silently hoped that he would be able to, at least until he could take her to the private bench just outside.

She took her time gathering her things, clearly giving him the necessary time to leave the room. Or maybe she wanted to let Edward leave so he would quit bugging her. Jasper sincerely hoped it was the latter, though he knew it probably had more to do with him.

Finally, she looked up from her backpack, which she had rearranged at least three times to give him the space to exit the classroom. Jasper knew that she saw him out of the corner of her eye when she quickly glanced up at the clock to check the time and then to the door. She bit her lip, clearly debating just leaving and chancing an awkward moment or waiting even longer. She probably had a meeting or something.

He was about to make his way to her side of the classroom instead, when she just slung her backpack over one shoulder, straightened her shoulders, and began to march out. Then, she glanced up at him once more and their eyes met. He raised his hand as if to reach out to her. When Bella saw this, she recoiled slightly, and the carefully preserved mask she had on during the whole class slipped away, once again revealing the depth of her pain and loss. Her reaction made Jasper feel like he had just been punched in the gut. The words that were searing his tongue just moments ago died on his lips, and he was left there, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, not knowing what to do with the empty air. He saw her shoulders slump once again as she swallowed hard and darted out of the classroom just as he managed to regain himself.

"I love you," he croaked out to the now vacant room.

Jasper couldn't remember a longer drive in his whole life.

According to the GPS, it was only a 14 minute drive from Angela's apartment, but it felt so much longer than that. He spent the whole time staring out the window and trying to ignore Jessica's endless chattering from the backseat. He had never liked Jessica and had certainly never understood why Bella was ever friends with her. She was one of those girls who talked a lot but had nothing to say. In high school, all she ever talked about was which guys were hot and who hooked up with who at the latest party. From what he could pick up now, five years hadn't changed this habit.

Bella always had said that she was a nice girl who was fun to talk to and had a heart of gold. Jasper never thought that they were that close, but he supposed they must have been, since Jessica was now spouting a story of the time they met James Franco (and he, like, totally told them that they were pretty) at some award show no more than a few months ago.

Jasper rolled his eyes. That was probably the only reason Jessica still talked to Bella post-high school. She had always been a social climber.

Could this drive take any longer? Not even his nerve-filled drive from Seattle to Los Angeles had taken this long.

Jasper hoped that he had the right address.

Three years had gone by since everyone graduated high school and moved on to the next chapter of their lives without each other.

Three years had gone by since Jasper had moved away from that place to attend college in Seattle.

Three years had gone by since he last saw Bella. At least in person.

While everyone else was filling out college applications, stressing over early admission deadlines and bumping up their SAT scores at the last minute, Bella was stressing over finishing up her last few credits necessary to graduate early. And while everyone else went to prom and grad night and all the other fun second semester activities for seniors, Bella was a thousand miles away in Hollywood, doing her best to book commercials and jobs as an extra for television and movies.

He didn't know when she made this momentous decision because, by that time, she had already stopped sharing this kind of information with him. She had stopped sharing any information with him. He only knew she was graduating early because he had overheard a conversation between two of their teachers. And he only knew about her new career option because one day in March, a bunch of boys in their grade were tittering over some magazine. When he had managed to steal a glance at what they were looking at, he saw that Bella had managed to land a spot in a department store ad for early arrival swimsuits to prepare for the coming summer (though it was never summer in Forks).

Jasper had been taken aback by the picture. There she had stood, in the middle of two other teenagers, the girl that he still loved, proudly smiling in a borderline inappropriate bikini.

When one of the boys, a popular one Jasper remembered Bella once describing as "hot", had noticed him staring, he had nudged his friends to look up at him. "Oh hey, man, did you ever tap that fine ass while you two were together?"

Jasper had glared at him while the other boys started laughing. "Naw," one of them had continued, "I heard you left her to bang Alice. Dude. You made a big mistake there. The things I wouldn't do to Bella…" Then, the boy had made an obscene gesture that left Jasper wanting to punch him in the face, but, instead he had just walked away, thinking that he already knew he had made a mistake.

That was the first time Jasper had seen Bella since she left. After that, he saw her picture around sometime. When he heard her high school friends talking about how she was one of the new faces of some national makeup brand, he turned on the family TV he never watched so that he could see her face. The commercial consisted of a lot of coy looks from underneath her lashes as they advertised mascara that guaranteed no false lashes needed. It left a pang in his heart as he remembered all the times those looks had been reserved for him only.

When his college roommate was watching a new sitcom on TV, he happened to catch one of the episodes. Bella had managed to land a starring role as the daughter. From that moment on, he never missed an episode. He even frequented her modest IMDB page to watch the few movies she was in. She was never a starring role, and they were usually low-budget horror films (he really did loathe horror films), but he made sure to watch the whole thing just so he could see her name rolling up his computer screen during the credits.

One day, he was re-watching some ridiculous romantic comedy she was in, her biggest role outside of her television show, when he decided that he needed to see her in person again. He needed to tell her. Maybe it was the movie genre that differed from the gory messes she usually appeared in that inspired him, but he knew that he still loved her. No other girls his friends set him up with ever appealed to him; he always inevitably compared them to Bella, and they could never hold a candle to her.

It wasn't hard to convince the middle-aged, sentimental receptionist at the modeling agency Bella worked for to give him her present address. All he had to do was explain his situation, with some slight exaggeration that may or may not include the detail that he was dying from some incurable disease when, in fact, he only had a cold at the time of the conversation.

Nuance, he had thought.

And so he took the sixteen-and-a-half hour drive from Seattle to Los Angeles, reminiscing and praying the whole time that she wouldn't just slam the door in his face.

It only occurred to him now as he was standing in front of the door to the small Spanish style house that the receptionist could have given him a false address so he would stop clogging the phone line.

He knocked. Then, he waited, listening for the sound of footsteps. When he heard no sign of life inside the house, he knocked again, more loudly this time. He even chanced to press the doorbell, his fingers shaking.

This time, he heard a, "Coming!" from within the house. The sound of her voice gave him chills, even though it was muffled. He hadn't heard it in person in so long.

When he heard her coming closer to the door, the panic started to set in again. He almost wished that the receptionist had given him the wrong address. What if she still hated him? What if she slammed the door on him, not allowing him to explain himself? What if she cursed him out and threatened a restraining order against him?

Or…even worse, what if she didn't remember him?

The door opened slowly, hesitant in its movements. Every second that he waited, closer to seeing her face in person after so long, but still so terribly far, was agonizing. Then, as if all at once, it swung open, fully revealing her to him.

Bella blinked. Jasper let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

There was silence for awhile, neither of them knowing what to say. Jasper found his voice first and cheerily greeted her, "Hi, Bella."

She stared stoically back at him, not saying a word. The happy face that he always saw on TV and in magazines was replaced by the same stony expression she gave him during their last days in each others' presence.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, not hostilely, per se, but definitely not happily. It was almost monotone with just a tinge of resentment hiding itself in the undercurrent of her question. It caused Jasper's smile to falter just a little as he tried to grope for an appropriate response that wouldn't sound stalker-ish.

"I…uh…well, you see, I…well, I…" he stuttered, unsure of himself.

"Yes?" she asked with a raised eyebrow and a cock of her right hip, a move, he remembered, she used to signify that she was growing impatient.

"I, um…well, I don't know exactly," he responded sheepishly.

She nodded. "Alright then. Have a good life." She started to close the door, but Jasper managed to wedge his foot in before she was successful.

"Wait!"

The door opened again. She stood there, waiting for him to say something.

"I came here to tell you something very important, something I should have said years ago."

She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway. "Fine. What is it?"

Jasper took a deep breath, trying his best not to be shaken by her disinterested tone. She needed to hear this from him. He needed her to hear this.

"I'm sorry. And…I love you."

Bella snorted at him. "Love? Love? That's ironic coming from you."

Jasper was hurt at how easily she brushed off the declaration that had been building up for years inside of him until it couldn't help to bubble over.

"Why is it ironic?"

"Because you were the one who made me give up on love."

"I…what?" Jasper asked, confused and broken. He didn't like hearing Bella say such un-Bella things. He saw her face soften a bit at how lost he sounded.

She sighed, a deep, all-consuming sigh that said she had shouldered the weight of the world on her way to hell and back. It didn't suit her. Someone so young and beautiful should never have to know experiences that would draw out such a sound from her lips. But despite that, the sigh lingered between them as a reminder to Jasper that circumstances had changed, that she had changed. She had aged.

Of course, you wouldn't be able to see it on her face. If anything, the years of separation had made her more beautiful to him. Jasper took the opportunity to really soak her in. He had never seen her skin glow so nicely. In high school, she seemed to have a never-ending battle with acne, though he never thought it was that bad. Now, it was smooth with a healthy blush to bring life to her face. Her hair was shinier, and she seemed to finally have managed to tame the frizziness her curly locks were often prone to. Her makeup was done flawlessly, and her clothes, while casual, were put together in a way that suggested she had a personal stylist who tailored everything to perfectly show off her hourglass figure. He wouldn't doubt if she did. There was something off about her appearance, though, something that hinted at her growing up far too quickly.

Finally, quietly, she said, "Come on inside."

Jasper wasted no time in taking her up on her offer. She motioned for him to take a seat, which he did quickly, lest she change her mind and kick him out. She went through a door that he assumed led to the kitchen because, when she came out, she brought him a cup of his favorite tea.

"You remembered," Jasper said, smiling as he sipped at it.

"I remember a lot of things," she retorted pointedly, causing him to internally wince. Clearly, she hadn't forgiven him yet for what he did to her. It was alright. That's what he was here for, after all.

As if reading his mind, she said, "Don't think that I'm still angry with you. I forgave you almost immediately when I found out. I just haven't forgotten. I've learned from it."

Jasper frowned. "You said earlier that I made you give up on love."

Bella ran her hand through her hair, a habit she retained whenever she was unsure of how to respond. "Well, you were the start of it."

"The start?"

"Let's just say there are a lot of assholes in the business."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

They sat in silence, like so many times before, but this time wasn't the same. It was awkward and tense and the air around them crackled with the millions of things left unsaid.

It was Bella who broke it. "Did things ever work out between you and Alice?"

Jasper winced at the name. No, things had certainly not worked out between he and Alice. In fact, that little stunt she pulled made him lose any trace of the feelings that he had been clinging to before. He told Bella the story of how he finally chewed her out, making perfectly clear that what they did was a mistake and that there was no hope of a future for them.

"Ouch," Bella said drily, "that's a little harsh, don't cha think?"

"Harsh? You, of all people, think I was being too harsh on the girl who made your life hell?"

Bella shrugged. "Sure, she made my life hell. And she's the only person in this world that I've come close to hating, but…I didn't want her to get hurt. I know what heartbreak is like, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, which, coincidently, happened to be her." When Jasper stared at her in confusion, she continued. "I never wished any ill will on her, even when I found out what transpired between the two of you. I sincerely wanted, and still want, her to be happy. I just don't want to have to see it. Especially since you're the only one who seemed to make her happy."

Jasper shook his head, amazed at Bella's endless selflessness. No wonder he loved her so much. "Um, well you see, apparently I'm not the only one who can make her happy. Shortly after graduation, she had a baby with Edward. Things were rocky at first, but now I think they're engaged. I'm not sure. Emmett told me."

Bella's eyebrows rose at that, completely ignoring the chance to gloat about how her life turned out better than Alice's and focusing on the last tidbit. "You still talk to Emmett?"

"Yeah, he's the only one really…and not very often." There was a beat. "Did you keep in touch with anyone?"

"I kept in touch with everyone at first. Over time, though, you drift apart. Now, I only occasionally talk to Angela and Jessica. We hang out here in L.A. sometimes, Jessica and I. Angela refuses to come around. She doesn't approve of the company I keep." Bella made a face like she was biting into a lemon, but she didn't elaborate.

That troubled Jasper. He knew Angela since the first grade, and he knew that she was a sweet girl with good judgment of character. If she didn't like Bella's friends, then they were probably trouble. Of course, he also knew Bella. She was a headstrong woman, never listening to anyone or anything but her own whims.

"There's probably good reason for that," he retorted.

She smiled at him, the first smile she's given him since before they broke up. He should enjoy it. After all, he's been waiting years to see that radiant smile creep across her lips. She finally smiled at him, but he hated it. God, how he hated it. It wasn't the Bella smile he used to know so well.

That's when he realized what was off about her. Despite her beauty and well-kempt appearance, she couldn't hide the look in her eyes, the set of her mouth. Sure, she could put on her doe eyes and puckered, kissable lips to seduce the cameras, but there was nothing she could do to hide the real her in person. Not from him, not from the man who knew her better than he knew himself. Where happiness used to flirt playfully on the edge of her lips when she smiled, there was now a hardness that prevented it from reaching her eyes. Where life used to sparkle in her dark chocolate eyes, there was now a dullness there that made the rest of her exquisite face look superficial and cold.

She wasn't the same girl he remembered, though he still loved her despite that. The world had taken this magnificent, carefree girl and wounded her, broke her. Her charming naiveté and innocent hopes regarding love were shattered again and again until she became guarded and distant.

And he was the start of it.

"We're here, Jasper."

Here. He didn't want to be here. In fact, he wanted to be anywhere but here.

"Yeah."

"We need to get out of the car now, Jasper."

"Yeah."

He felt Angela's eyes studying his face. Even though he knew she would never be able to read it as well as Bella could, it still felt too intrusive to him. Only Bella was allowed to know his innermost thoughts and feelings that he tucked safely away from the rest of the world. So, he opened the car door and got out in order to avoid the silent interrogation she was giving him, despite the fact that his every instinct was screaming at him to run away from this place.

He heard Angela and Jessica slam their doors close. Then, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked down at the girl that looked so much like Bella, but not really.

"We're going to get through this together, okay?" she asked, her voice cracking enough to force him to realize he wasn't the only one suffering here. He just nodded, and she linked her hand with his as they started to walk forward, Jessica trailing behind the pair.

As he stared at the intimidating building before him, he tried to gulp down the lump that seemed to take up permanent residence in his throat since he found out about the news.

Jasper never watched television. So, he wasn't quite sure why he had the sudden urge to turn on the TV that his roommate bought for their apartment. He just knew that it was important. So, he picked up the remote, clicked the power button, and left it on the channel it was already on while he made a cup of tea for himself.

It was the news. He remembered always hating the news, though he supposed it was still better than some brain cell-killing reality show. He snorted to himself, remembering how Bella used to talk endlessly of all those awful shows she loved.

Bella.

He hadn't seen her since that confusing day he managed to track her down at her residence. Even though she promised to keep in touch and spend time with him, she always managed to avoid him. She refused to give her his number, saying it was for "security purposes." Thus, he was forced to communicate with her via email, which was easier for her to ignore. She only ever responded in short, clipped sentences, and he never knew when he would get a response. It could be three hours after he sent it or three weeks.

Still, he was grateful that now he didn't have to just solely rely on unreliable websites like TMZ to find out what she was up to.

Jasper pretty much ignored the TV he so randomly turned on as he put the kettle on the stove. He busied himself with mixing the right proportion of spices when his ears caught a snippet of what the anchorwoman was saying.

"…In other news, model and former actress Isabella Swan was found dead in her Malibu home early this morning…"

The cup of expensive spices Jasper was holding slipped through shaking fingers and shattered on the floor. He walked forward, as if in a trance, not minding the jagged porcelain that cut his feet.

He stared blankly at the TV that was now showing some commercial for cat food or something. He couldn't tell. All he was conscious of were the words playing themselves over and over in his head.

How could she be dead?

That was impossible.

He couldn't remember how his feet shuffled him towards his computer. He couldn't remember turning it on or logging on to his email, but all of a sudden he was staring at a short note from Bella. He checked the date. It was sent last night, at around 1.

She said that she was sorry. She kept saying she was so sorry. She wanted him to move on and be happy. It was too late for her. She said sorry for not realizing it sooner, but she still loved him. And she said sorry because that wasn't enough.

The last thing she wrote was, "I will always love you, til the day I die."

Jasper never felt a stronger urge to cry in his whole life. So, that's what he did. He didn't know how long he sat, sunken on the living room floor, tears streaming down his face and dampening the carpet. It felt like days. Hell, it could have been, since his roommate wouldn't be home for a week to find him and force him to move.

Eventually, the TV brought him back to awareness again. He looked out the window and noticed that it was getting dark outside. The people on the show were talking about Bella. Her maid found her sprawled out in the bathtub, a bottle of near-empty sleeping pills still in her hand. Some were scattered around. It was ruled a suicide since apparently she had her lingerie on, revealing red self-inflicted gashes up and down her arms.

The woman on the TV then did a short recount of Bella's career, from when she was first signed to that makeup brand to her show to her failure to get into the movies. Then came the focus on modeling. She had a promising future, but when a deal with Victoria's Secret went south, her "already fragile mental state turned unstable". Those were the reporter's words, not his.

First came the parties. Then the friends Angela hadn't trusted introduced her to cocaine. She didn't like that. So, then came the drinking. She did like that. Then she tried to salvage her career. No one would take her. She was washed up and hard to work with. So then came the shoot for Playboy. She needed money. Hustler. There was more drinking in there somewhere. There was a lot more drinking in there.

Jasper glared at the woman reading off the teleprompter, sharing the downward spiral of Bella's last years as if she was just a list on a piece of paper and not an actual human being. She finished the piece by mechanically saying, "It's a tragedy that such a young and promising life was cut so short. We will remember Bella in our hearts, and she will be dearly missed."

How could she be so blasé about this beautiful, wonderful girl dying? And how could she sit there, referring to Bella by just her first name, as if she had known her? She didn't know her. She didn't know anything about her.

But had he really known her like he thought he did? How did he not see how Bella's life was spiraling out of control? Apparently, it had been well known that she had a drinking problem. He didn't know that. Once they started an email correspondence, he had stopped reading those gossip magazines and websites because a lot of the things they said were untrue anyways. But this time, they weren't untrue. Bella was untrue, saying that she was fine and things were going great. She had never lied to him before, so he had no reason to suspect that she was then.

Why didn't he notice?

He couldn't answer that.

She seemed so happy.

He remembered her saying back in high school how the people who seem the happiest are the ones who are hurting the most on the inside. A lot of sad people don't show the world that they're sad. They let their smiles fool the world into thinking that they're just fine, when in reality, they're screaming on the inside.

Bella was sad. Bella was screaming.

He just saw the smile.

But she still loved him, even after the share of pain he inflicted on her, even after being oblivious to what she was going through. She was so amazing to him. She had every right to hate him for everything he put her through. She should have hated him. But she didn't.

She still loved him. Til the day she died.

And he still loved her. He wished he could die with her.

Finally, most of the people had gone to the reception or home. Only Angela and Jessica lingered at the edge of the grass by the car, giving him the space they knew he desperately needed.

"It was a beautiful service, Bella. You would've hated it. All those sunflowers wasted on somebody who isn't even here to see them. I remember when you told me that. How flowers at funerals were a waste. And they wasted a ton on you. At least everyone here seemed to know sunflowers are your favorite."

Jasper paused, feeling slightly ridiculous talking to a mound of dirt. Bella wasn't here. If she was, it wouldn't feel so cold out to him. But he didn't know what else he could do besides keep talking, so he continued.

"Me, personally, I don't think it was a waste. If it was spent on you, it could never be a waste. You always had interesting ideas about the world, though, so I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree." By this point, Jasper couldn't hold in the tears anymore. Now that there was no one around to see his weakness, he let them flow freely, watching as they landed on the freshly dug dirt. It would be the first water to nurture the grass that would spring up over the ground her casket lay buried.

Seeing her body in that casket had made him want to throw up. She had looked so peaceful, at first he thought that maybe she was just sleeping. Maybe she was just waiting for true love's kiss to wake her up, like in the fairy tales she always read to him. She looked like a princess to him in her pretty green velvet dress. Of course, she had always been a princess to him. He wanted to try the kiss thing, see if maybe it would work. He knew it wouldn't, though, because he wasn't a Prince Charming. Still, it was hard to tell that she wasn't actually trapped in a cursed slumber. The only way he knew she wasn't just sleeping was because peeking underneath the hem of her long sleeved dress, he could see the cuts they had failed to cover up.

Now, her body wasn't only in a casket, it was in the ground.

Jasper lost his cool, dropping to his knees and cursing the sky, hands clawing at the earth beneath him.

Where was Bella now to hold him and tell him it would all turn out okay? How could this ever possibly be okay? He didn't want to live in a world that thought Bella not being in it was okay.

"Where are you?! Tell me! You promised me it would all turn out okay! You promised, God dammit! Tell me why you lied to me! Please! Please…" he sobbed, no longer having the strength of voice to yell nor the strength of body to hold himself up. He collapsed fully on the mound, hugging the earth to him. It smelled of sunshine and warmth and home.

"I'm sorry. I should have realized sooner," he whispered. The wind blew against his face in inquiry.

"I realize it all now, though. I hope that's good enough for you, Bella."

Jasper's hands clutched at the flower he brought to lay on her grave, drawing strength from it.

"I love you."

It was a lazy afternoon in the middle of the kind of summer youth think will last forever. The earth smelled of sunshine and warmth and home. They were lying in the tall grass along the banks of a stream that was a short walk from his backyard, just staring up at the sky. His fingers were mindlessly toying with the ends of her wavy locks that flowed freely out of a flower crown she had woven from the daisies. Jasper thought how they must look like any normal, happy couple, young and in love, with all the time in the world.

"Hey, Bella, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"When I grow up? I want to be…" she trailed off, thinking. After an eternity of silence, she finished.

"I want to be loved."

"Come on, that's not a real answer."

"Sure it is."

"No, you have to give me an occupation."

"An occupation? Hmm, well then I suppose I want to be an actress or a model."

Jasper laughed at her, thinking it was so typical of Bella to be so unrealistic. "Why would you want to be that?"

He felt her shrug next to him, her shoulders rubbing his as they moved. "Dunno. I guess cuz I'm not used to attention even though I crave it sometimes. I think it'd be nice to be admired and adored for once. Actresses and models get that on a grand scale." She yawned next to him, placing the book of fairy tales they had been reading to the side and curling her body into his. She closed her eyes.

He chuckled again. "Well, I hope all your dreams come true. I hope acting and modeling is all you want it to be."

She nodded and sleepily responded, "My real dream is just to be loved."

Jasper looked down at her now sleeping form, smiling at how perfectly she fit into him. A sudden urge came over him, despite him knowing he had time, for when she was conscious to hear it. He had forever to tell her, but, even so, he whispered into her ear.

"You are loved. I will always love you, til the day I die."

A/N: So there you have it! Thanks for reading, guys. :) Leave a review, please!