STAR II
Author: Lilly
Classification: Sort of songfic, H/M
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimers and Spoilers: JAG is property of DPB and CBS. I just borrow the characters, although lately I really can't think of any good reason to borrow them except that we all deserve a break from TPTB, even fictional characters :) Anything through the end of season 9 is fair game. The song is still "Star" by Bryan Adams.
Author's note: It's taken me so long to get this out. It's just been really really crazy the last few months. I don't know that this story is written the way I wanted it, but I'm sick of trying to fix it so here it goes. Also, since I got my computer back yesterday, I thought I'd make a fresh start (a kind of forced fresh start since the virus ate my entire hard drive. Yes, please, pity me.) Anyway, I suck at writing Mac's POV, but I just had to write it this way. I needed to get this out my system. If you've talked to me off list, you know Mac's not my favorite character lately, so if you've got something negative to say about the way I wrote Mac here, please be polite and keep it to yourself. Thanks to Lee and Ikaika for their help with this. Much appreciated. I did the final beta today, so any mistakes are mine.
Thanks also to all of you who e-mailed (quite frequently) about the sequel to STAR. And no, there won't be a STAR III. This is it. I'm walking away as soon as I hit the send button. I figure if I wrap this sappy thing up I should be able to move on to writing other stuff I've got outlined. :) Now on with it.
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station 0404 EST
"Harm"
It was just a whisper of a familiar name. It was also like the rolling of thunder unleashing inside her to speak his name the way she just had. Waking up with his name on her lips had become second nature to her over the years. It wasn't that she wasn't used to it happening, just that she wasn't sure if he was ready to hear it. For him to really listen to the way she said his name; to hear what lay hidden behind the soft uttering of it. Or theses days if he would even want to.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she held her breath for a second and released it slowly. Why should he want to listen to what she said now? After all, she hadn't listened either. She hadn't wanted to listen.
Tears welled once again in her eyes as she mentally recounted the events of the past few hours. Stretched out comfortably on Harm's couch, with an afghan she'd given him for Christmas three years ago draped over her lithe figure, Mac couldn't help the feeling of loss that engulfed her as she took in her surroundings.
So much of who she was -of who she'd become- was strewn around this dark quiet space. So much of this hushed apartment evoked memories so distant they were almost unrecognizable to her now. It'd been so long since she'd allowed herself to be weak here; to be vulnerable. To be just Sarah and forget that the world they lived in wasn't simple, regardless of what she'd told him that fateful night on the Admiral's porch.
Sitting up, hugging the soft thick fabric to her, she wondered if Harm ever felt that way. Wondered if he ever sat and looked at the pieces of life sprinkled around the room and wished he had a picture of them put together -like the picture in the box of a thousand piece puzzle- so he could at least be sure that the pieces did, indeed, belong together.
Cautiously moving around the apartment, the hardwood floor pushing gently on her bare feet, she stopped hesitantly, as a familiar sight caught her eye. Between a pile of law books, partly hidden by the expansive leafs of the only plant Harm had ever owned, was the only physical remnant of a life so long ago forgotten. Powerless against the onslaught of emotion, she struggled against the wave of memories. Not knowing how else to cope, she wept silently for herself, for him, for them. For all the what if's, the misunderstandings, the pain, and the hurt...
There's a road, long and winding The lights are blinding, but it gets there
Years later, lying deliriously happy beside him, she would marvel at the depth of their love; at the strength of what they had... of who they were together. She would wonder at the power of a look; at the intensity of a caress; at the transcendence of a kiss. She would close her eyes, and let the memories flow. One by one, snapshots of those few precious hours that had finally bound them together would flash and burn inside her like a flaming torch.
She would stroke his face with cool slender fingers, and he'd feel her smile against his chest as the familiar sigh escaped his lips. And this time, she'd know that when his eyes closed, he'd still be looking; she'd know that when his voice hushed, his heart would still be speaking; and when his touch stilled, the comfort of his presence would still be there.
But 'years later' was still far away, and what she'd know then, the reality of what life held in store for them was unknown to her tonight. The moments still patiently waited to happen, and the bright eyes of the content people in the wood-framed picture still smiled at her, begging her to bring them alive; to free them from the make-believe world they'd been confined to since that day so long ago by her, by him...by them.
Shaken by the depth of the emotions that danced inside her, she blinked and looked away from the image she'd lost herself into, and was almost relieved to be back to reality. Back to the world she'd created for herself. To the world according to Sarah Mackenzie; a world where she didn't have what she wanted most.
For what seemed like hours, she stood there, silently recounting the events of the past year. She'd built an impressive fortress to keep him away because she hadn't known any other way. And now, months after the worst mind field -figurative and otherwise- she'd ever been through, she was forced to admit that she'd built the fortress not to protect herself, but to protect her pain. Yes, protect it. Because she'd thought she needed that pain to remind her of who she was, of where she'd been, of what she never thought she'd have. She'd wanted to protect the negativity, the hurt, and the anger. She'd wanted to protect them because they were all she'd had left.
Everybody wants to be winner - everybody has a dream We all need a shining star when things ain't what they seem
So everything she'd done the past year, she'd done to shelter her messed up life, the only life she thought she could ever have- a life built on half-truths and empty words -- because it was hers and that's all that mattered. And so, she'd welcomed Clay and pushed away her best friend, maybe because she'd seen mirrored in Clay the same things she saw in herself; loneliness, and pain, and anger, and hurt. Maybe because, like her, he'd allow no light into his dark life because doing so might mean happiness, but it would also mean admitting helplessness...and need.
Need of what?
Need of something alive and true; need of something that wasn't for one person to find, but for two to create together. Wasn't that the hidden truth behind the charade of a relationship she had with Clay? Wasn't the only reason behind their unlikely alliance a need to find that something to fill the emptiness? To fill that proverbial hole she'd dug herself?
No. Things were most certainly not as they seemed. The reality she woke up to every morning didn't include two blissful people blinded by love, but two lost souls blinded by the need of it. So much that they were willing to pretend - or maybe to accept that they were incapable of anything but what they had.
And if she was incapable of anything better, was she lucky then to at least have Clay, faults and all? True love or not?
Well, in Paraguay she'd certainly thought so. In the heat of the moment, after all they'd been through, Clay's words had been her refuge. His words had given her the option of focusing on the present instead of the horrible events she'd wanted to bury in the past. And Harm was part of that past - a past that included long weeks where she'd abandoned him all because he'd kept a secret from her. A secret not even his to tell. Once again, she'd punished him for making a decision that she hadn't approved of, and chosen to judge instead of understand. And so, she'd spent her time pretending nothing was wrong and hating herself for leaving him alone when she'd known what he needed most was her unconditional support...the kind of support he'd always provided for her.
She'd gone to him that night; with her pregnancy suit and her shocking news. And she'd asked if he was okay. But the truth was that, whether he was truly okay or not hadn't been high on her list of priorities. Once again, what she had needed from him was more important than anything he might've needed from her. She didn't have time to talk to him then. Not really. She'd waited deliberately until the last minute to go see him. She'd timed it perfectly, so she had enough time to say what she wanted, but no time to deal with the consequences of her words. And wasn't that what she'd always done? Speak and retreat? Challenge and coward away? Even worse than that, she'd purposely kept her friendship from him because he'd kept a secret, when she'd kept plenty of secrets of her own that he'd never judged her for.
Then there came Paraguay. It was true that the nature of her mission denied her the freedom to tell him more than she had, but the manner in which she'd told him; the attitude she'd displayed that night had surely been in no way amicable. And when she'd seen the fear in his eyes - a panic she knew was born of love and not control - the guilt had been so great that she'd been able to do nothing but resort to her usual modus operandi- strike and run away.
There was something inside her that wished she could've been strong enough to turn to Harm in Paraguay- to look into his eyes and dare to accept what she saw in them; what she'd seen in them for years. But there was so much of her relationship with Harm that she couldn't understand; so much of it that defied her field of vision. So she'd chosen the coward's way out and instead of the worthy she'd opted for the convenient...and consequently, for the unknown.
But there was nothing unknown about this place.
This apartment was a sanctuary of sorts that always reminded her of safe harbors no matter how dangerous it'd felt at times. It reminded her of peaceful days regardless of the inner chaos it sometimes incited; of smiles meant for no one but her even when she'd been too absorbed with herself to return them; of endless nights filled with laughter and joy... and love.
But love had never manifested itself physically here. Not in the only way she'd known; the only way she'd always expected love to be expressed. There'd never been impatient fingers plucking away at the stubborn buttons of her Marine greens. And yet, there'd been gentle hands brushing away her falling tears. There'd never been whispered words of love filling the air. And yet, she had seen countless love songs dancing in his eyes. There'd never been nights of raw passion to indulge their primal instincts - and yet, there'd been evenings when the world had faded away and the simple comfort of each other's presence had managed to restore her faith in this world. There'd never been mind-altering kisses in this place, nor had there been tender moments at the end of a long day.
There'd never been any real physical intimacy. And yet, there was nothing truly hidden here, nothing to doubt, and nothing to fear. No, not really. Not if she was honest with herself and admitted that everything she'd always dreamed of stemmed from that feeling of belonging she felt when his eyes met hers. There was nothing to doubt here when she accepted that what she craved - what she really needed- wasn't what she'd demanded from others, but what she'd never thought she deserved from Harm.
When she'd arrived the night before, there hadn't been any questions. There hadn't been any pitiful glances, no disbelieving words, and no condescending gestures. He'd built no barriers, and instead of burning bridges, he'd held them up stronger than ever by the sheer force of his will to understand and protect her. He'd simply accepted her. Accepted everything she carried with her, because he cared. No matter how many irrational demands she made of him, in the end, she'd always known there'd never be anything as important as her in his world -because he loved her.
"Oh, God"
The words left her in a broken whisper. A torrent of tears flowed now obstructing her vision as she fought to maintain her composure. Hadn't she promised herself that there'd be no more scenes tonight? No more moments of weakness? No more of whatever caused the blinding anguish she was drowning in?
The moonlight streamed in through the window as her hands loosened their hold on the frame, and she wiped her own tears as she put it back down on the desk. Momentarily at a loss, she simply stood there, gazing out the window, and all she could think about was Harm... and Sadik.
The bastard had surely done a number on her. Hadn't Harm predicted exactly what Sadik was planning? Yeah. Harm had called it, all right. It didn't mean she'd been any more prepared to handle the horrible truths he'd forced her to think about before she'd put a bullet between his eyes.
Was she really barren? Well there was no way to know that, now was there? She'd never even tried to conceive a child, and the way her life was turning out -she couldn't really see the light at the end of the tunnel. Harm had promised her a child. He'd even brought it up the year before. Though she'd laughed off the awkwardness of the moment, she'd appreciated his courage to mention it. She knew how hard it must've been for him to initiate that conversation. If he hadn't really wanted to discuss it, why even bring it up when she hadn't made any mention of it?
She'd seen the flare of hope in his eyes that day, and something broke inside her now as she thought of how far away those times really were for them. How painfully remote those times were when every move, every look, every touch, and every word meant something...
What did it all mean now; all their years of friendship? Where were they now when they needed them most? Where were the easiness and the trust that had always gotten them through before?
If she had to guess, she'd say they were lurking around, lost in the haunting Paraguayan forests.
A rustling from somewhere interrupted her thoughts, and quickly she wiped at her eyes before anxiously settling her gaze toward the general direction of Harm's bedroom. Transfixed, she stared at the steps waiting for the inevitable sight of the object of her musings to appear. Seconds later, realizing her eyes were now focused on the door, she cursed herself for her cowardice as she admitted that finding an escape route -even if temporary -- had been foremost in her mind when confronting the inevitable should've been her priority.
A few more seconds passed, and realizing that the noises had probably been Harm's restless movements in his sleep, she sighed in temporary relief. The soft sounds of the light wind caressing the window calmed her. The night was growing louder and darker outside, and she found herself grateful for that. Grateful that, at least for the moment, there was a place on earth that was at least as unsettled as she felt inside.
Don't give up, don't look back There's a silver lining, it's out there somewhere
So many thoughts were running through her head now. Her mind was racing; fighting a battle with indecision. Fighting a battle where all her positive thoughts engaged fiercely against those old deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy, and insecurity, and unworthiness that always seemed to surface when she thought of Harm and his place in her life.
It was only seconds later that she realized her feet were involuntarily moving, and not knowing how to stop them, she simply let them lead. An unexplainable feeling of peace engulfed her at her first glimpse of him, sheets tangled around his body, leaving part of his toned legs exposed. For a moment, she worried that he'd get cold, and attempting to concentrate on that trivial fact instead of the real reason she was there, she reached out and carefully stretched the white sheet over his legs, taking great care not to rouse him from his sleep.
Why was she here, when the mere sight of him made her want to mold herself around him and never let go? Why had she called seventeen times when she knew the sound of his voice alone could so effectively tangle her thoughts? Why had she instinctively asked if he was involved with another woman when she was involved with someone else herself? Why did she keep questioning when his answers had been as clear as the morning sun? Why did she keep pushing him away when her heart screamed at her to pull him in?
There'll be times in your life Yeah, when you'll be dancing - but you ain't getting it But don't get disillusioned. No, don't expect too much.
'Cause if what you have is all you can get. Just keep on trying. It just ain't happened yet
Was her relationship with Harm all she wanted?
No. It wasn't.
But more importantly, was it all it could be?
God, she hoped not.
There'd been no mistaking the look in his eyes when he'd burst through that door and rescued her from certain death in Paraguay. She'd later accused him of not being happy to see her. She'd said so many other things that she regretted. But unfortunately, she'd never managed to express her remorse verbally or otherwise, and so her path had never crossed that of forgiveness.
A strong wave of emotion washed over her as she recalled Harm's sincere words of gratitude after Christmas. Even after all the horrible and erroneous things she'd said to him that night, a simple act of faith on his behalf had gone such a long way towards restoring some semblance of normalcy in their friendship. Time after time he'd thanked her for being there for him, and she'd simply smiled and nodded, while she'd consciously buried the embarrassment and the shame she felt for never having spoken those words herself.
It didn't seem to matter one way or the other, she'd told herself. He hadn't resigned his commission just to get a thank you from her, had he? He'd done it because he'd felt it was his duty as an officer to throw everything that mattered away for a fellow officer and comrade. He'd done it because he would've done the same for Bud, or Sturgis, or the Admiral. Right?
Wrong.
No matter how many times she tried to tell herself otherwise, she knew why he'd gone after her. He'd said "you know the reason", and God she had known. The emotions swirling in his eyes as they'd leaned into that kiss had been so intense that she'd seen no other way out but to run. To run away like she had done many times before her fortress had started crumbling. The walls she'd built so carefully to protect her legacy of pain and emptiness had been ready to collapse with the prospect of true love. If her lips had touched his then, nothing could've stopped her heart from crawling out and tumbling its way towards the one who'd not only saved her life, but also her soul.
And now, months later, she wished she could turn back time and relive it all. She knew now that it would've been easier to turn to him in Paraguay. It would've been easier, because nothing less than a show of complete vulnerability would be enough now. All these months, she'd hoped that miraculously the pain and the scars would disappear. She'd prayed for Clay's screams to hush, for Harm's wounded eyes to look away, for peace, for love...for a second chance.
So far, she'd spent long nights in bitter agony, wondering why her prayers went unanswered. Why did it seem everyone else could find some happiness except her? Why did it seem her life was meant for disaster while everyone else seemed to find their way?
She'd come to Harm the night before with the same questions still flashing in her mind, and it'd only taken a few seconds in his strong comforting arms to realize that everything she'd ever asked for, everything she'd ever asked of him, he'd gladly already given; and that everything he'd been offering for so long now was the answer to every prayer she'd ever uttered.
Yes, even that prayer on her lips seconds before he'd burst through the door and rescued her in Paraguay. Many thoughts had been running through her mind then when she'd been seconds away from the end of her life, but the one thought that had overshadowed all others had been of Harm. That prayer God had answered hadn't been for her safety, but for Harm... for the chance to see him one more time. But as it usually happens with desperate prayers, the answer had been so overwhelming that she hadn't known how to deal with the consequences of it.
Belatedly, she found herself sitting on the edge of his bed. It was easier to look at him now when his intense blue-green eyes weren't focused on her. It was easier to focus now that his lips weren't curved in a smile or pursed in silent contemplation. In her dreams, she ran a gentle finger along the side of his face, slowly tracing the strong set of his jaw, the softer skin around his mouth, the spiky feel of the short prickly hairs that she knew he'd dutifully shave off in the morning.
Without realizing it, her eyes closed and her hand reached out. The air was charged with a kind of tension that was very unfamiliar to her. It was almost surreal. The moment her fingers brushed his skin, the jolt almost knocked her off the bed. Immediately, her eyes opened, afraid that her sudden movement could've woken him, but his eyes were still closed. His chest rose and fell quietly still, rhythmically. Studying him in the dim light of the room she was fascinated by all the details she was noticing that she'd never had a chance to see before.
Roaming over his body, her dark eyes settled on his stomach where the white sheet contrasted with the darker tones of his skin. Never in her wildest dreams would she have thought of finding herself in this position after everything they'd been through- so close, and yet so far away.
And yet here it was. An opportunity to connect with him...an opportunity she knew she'd thrown away so many times; to truly connect without riddles, or questions, or accusations, or irrational demands; an opportunity to simply be herself and let him see that the person he'd known the last year wasn't really all she was. A chance to finally be truthful; a chance to open her heart once and for all. A chance to...
A chance for what Mackenzie?
A second chance?
Another answered prayer?
For so long she'd been sitting on her hands hoping everything would work itself out and in the meantime she'd kept on sabotaging her own life. Every time Clay's name was mentioned she'd seen the flash of hurt in Harm's eyes. And instead of realizing she was hurting him, she'd kept on doing it because the part of her that was still that scared little girl wanted him to hurt as much as she did. He hadn't said what she'd wanted him to in Paraguay, so she kept hurting him by refusing to hear it now.
With time, the dinner offers had stopped; conversations had started revolving around work more than anything, and their working relationship had somewhat been restored. Only it wasn't the same. Not at all. The quite pain in his eyes was still there every time he passed by her office and saw her on the phone. The pain was still there every time he smiled at her, every time he looked at her.
One hand covered her mouth now, as she tried to conceal the light sobs that accompanied her tears. God, how could she have lived like this so long? How could she have lied to him, to Clay, and herself like this?
Rationally, she knew there were a lot of things she needed to work through. So many things in her past she'd never dealt with. Things she needed to come to terms with before she could ever think of getting involved with Harm; before she could find happiness. Stuff she needed to deal with before she could consider having a family of her own. A family with Harm.
But there was also so much she knew she could give him. It would be typical of her to get lost in the craziness of the events that had transpired that night. One minute she'd been holding a gun over a wounded terrorist, and the next she'd been wrapped up in Harm's strong arms, but by God, this time she'd make the right choice.
They say everyone has their breaking point. Well tonight had been hers, and the one thing she'd taken away from her encounter with Sadik was that we all have a choice. A choice to admit we're wrong; a choice to use our abilities for good instead of evil. A choice to care or to ignore; to accept or to reject; to listen or turn away. We all have a choice to change, and most important of all...a choice to love.
Sadik hadn't thought so. And this time she wouldn't let him be right. She wouldn't let him destroy her like he'd done months before. This time, she wouldn't just leave her happiness up to someone else. This time she would choose love.
"Mac"
Only for a moment she'd looked away from him, and now his eyes were open, shinning like beacons in the darkness of the room. It took a few seconds to convince her heart to beat again, and once it did, she directed all her energy towards finding the strength to meet his eyes.
Had he felt it too?
Was that why his sleepy eyes were focused on her now? Even in sleep, could he have heard the rumble in her chest as the walls had plummeted down? For long moments they simply stared at each other. She was drinking him in with her dark eyes now, and uncharacteristic warmth spread through him as he tried to decipher what he saw in her eyes.
"Mac, are you-"
"Shhh. Don't talk. Please, Harm. I just... I just need to look at you."
She watched him swallow the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry I woke you."
"Uh, it's okay" His voice was roughened by sleep, and she couldn't help but think of all the times she'd dreamed of hearing it just like that. How many times she'd dreamed of being able to see him like this. A tiny smile was forming in her mouth, and she smiled a little wider when she noticed Harm squirm.
Good god, what was she waiting for? Lightening?
Thunder?
An F-14 flyby?
"I love you, Harm"
It didn't take much effort to imagine what was going through his head. Probably something like 'Jesus Mac, what the...' She had to smile as Harm shook his head a little and looked up at her. His eyes were clearer now and for a second she was overwhelmed. Wow. Had she really just told him she loved him?
"What?"
The confusion in his voice told her he didn't doubt what she'd said but the mere fact that she'd actually said it. Without hesitation she repeated it.
"I love you."
Their gazes held for a long moment, a challenge of sorts, unblinking...
A sudden thought seemed to occur to him, and she watched him more curious than anxious as he shifted up on his elbows and looked seriously at her.
"Mac, are you okay? You're not, uh... sleepwalking are you?"
Another time, another place, and she most likely would've stormed out without looking back. In the past she would've heard his words but not the meaning behind them. He hadn't said 'Mac, are you okay? Because I don't want to deal with this now.' He'd said 'Mac are you okay? Because God knows there's nothing I'd like more than to believe you, but you better be sure because I don't think I'd survive it if you left.'
This time, she heard what he didn't say.
Blurry images of Harm staring at her as she delivered her testimony at the custody hearing flashed around in her head, and it'd never hurt more than at that moment to see the skepticism in his gaze. The calculating stare of a man so afraid to believe because he hadn't much left to believe in. So afraid to really believe because at that moment the only thing he'd had worth living for was a 15 year old girl who saw the world in his eyes, and even that reality had been in the hands of someone else.
"I'm sorry I never told you before."
Harm let out a long slow breath. "Uh, okay. I mean...don't worry about it. I...you don't have to -..."
With a soft finger on his lips she interrupted his stammering. She watched as the hurt flashed in his eyes before he closed them and offered a sigh. There was no way to really explain how she knew what he was thinking; no way to explain how she'd missed it all these years, or maybe how she'd chosen to ignore it. The past was past, she reminded herself, and with a deep breath she started the most important conversation of her life.
"It wasn't your fault that I didn't say it, you know?"
He opened his eyes at her declaration, and she fought hard not to lower her gaze. With a little more effort, she managed a soft smile.
"It wasn't?" He asked and sat up a little higher on the bed, running a listless hand through his hair. He looked so lost it broke her heart.
Tears welled up again in her eyes as she studied him. Finally, she shook her head and whispered, "God, what have I done to you?"
"Huh?" The genuine confusion on his face drilled another hole in her heart.
"I know you love me, Harm. I've always known. I saw it in your eyes the day you left to fly. I knew it the day you came back. I knew it that night on the Admiral's porch. I knew when you stormed through that door and saved my life once again. I knew you loved me when I said never, Harm. I just couldn't accept it until now. Until tonight."
It was clear to her that nothing in this world could make him utter a single word right at that moment. A few muscles in his face were trying to move. His eyes were still as big as they'd been when she'd said those three little words, and they weren't showing signs of getting any smaller.
If he'd turned to her in Paraguay and said he loved her, she wouldn't have been too surprised. It would've left her speechless for a moment, but never anything like this. It filled her with shame to know that he'd truly had no reason to even suspect her feelings ran this deep for him. Not after all she'd done.
First he blinked, and then he inhaled deeply and let the air out in agonizingly slow fashion. Her big brown eyes were trained on him, and she fought against the need to look away and run as fast as her legs would let her. Oh, but she knew that nothing would hurt him more than her leaving, and that even when she'd been the one to offer up her admission of love, it could never compare to the courage he'd need to open up to her again.
"Why?"
The question caught her off guard. "Why what?"
"Why couldn't you admit it? If you knew I loved you... why did you turn away?"
She considered the question for a moment. Looking away for a second, she took a deep breath and turned to face him once again. "I don't think I knew how not to turn away."
He nodded as if she'd just told him she wanted Chinese for dinner. "What about Clay?"
It should've bothered her that he was covering all the bases before accepting what she'd just said. Then again, hadn't she done the same to him countless times?
"He needed me. I didn't think you did."
There were so many ways to answer that question, really. The answer she'd chosen wasn't the best, or even the most accurate, but she knew that if she really started to talk about it she'd never get through it. Not tonight anyway. There were many things about her relationship with Clay that she needed to talk about. With him. But not tonight.
Harm was silent for a minute. It almost seemed he'd never move again. She could almost see the wheels turning in his head though. She knew there were so many questions he probably wanted to ask. So many things he wasn't sure of, so many things he couldn't trust. She knew because she'd done the same before. Every time she'd been faced with the evidence of his love for her she'd rationalized it away. Sometimes she wondered what she would've done if he'd said 'I love you' instead of 'not yet'. The answer scared her, because if she was honest with herself she could admit that she hadn't been ready to hear it just like he hadn't been ready to say it. Looking at him now and thinking of their history, she could understand his hesitation even when it hurt.
"Does he still need you?"
"Yes." The minute the word left her mouth she could feel him pulling away. She'd been so taken with her thoughts that she'd answered the question and hadn't thought of what it would sound like to him. Desperate for a chance to explain, she grabbed his arm before he had a chance to scoot away from her.
"Clay needs me, Harm. But I need you. And I'm not willing to sacrifice what could possibly be our last chance at happiness. I know this is sudden, and I know I've hurt you so much..."
Overwhelmed, she paused for a second as she covered her face with one hand. "God, Harm... I look back and I can't recognize myself."
Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to finish what she'd started. After a moment, her eyes sough his and a warm thread of love squeezed her heart at the love and compassion shining in them.
"I don't really know what to do, Harm. I just know that I can't keep living like this. I don't know how to make you understand or how to make you trust me again...I just...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
There wasn't really any other way for him to respond. Instinctively, he reached out and bundled her safely in his arms. "Oh, Mac...shhh, it'll be okay."
Everybody wants some kindness - everybody needs a break We all need a shining star when things get hard to take
Seconds turned to minutes as they held each other in the dark. Harm's thoughts were racing now. Torn between finally verbalizing what he'd felt all along and waiting a little longer to make sure she had really meant what she'd said. There was so much about the events of the past year that they still needed to talk about. So much they needed to come to terms with before they could move on. But he'd accepted long ago that what lived in his heart for her was stronger than any pain that could come his way, and if this was his chance...their chance to make it work, then he would dive in head first. For her... for them.
There would be no going back now. There were no illusions of happily ever after in his mind, but she'd taken the first step, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he turned away now. He knew they'd have to work...and work hard to overcome the obstacles he was sure they'd find. And if the way their love had come about was any indication, the journey would be anything but valleys and calm seas.
He wouldn't have it any other way.
"I love you, Mac."
A soft sigh escaped her, and she burrowed her head deeper into his chest. She'd been prepared to wait for an answer; to wait as long as it took this time. But after hearing him say the words she was sure now she'd never be able to live without them again. He loved her and she loved him too.
The truth was she wasn't sure what all of it entailed, yet. Of all the things she'd ever felt, she was sure nothing had ever compared to that eruption of brightness and joy she felt now. It'd be something she'd need to work through; accepting love-their love the way it was, faults and all.
She'd heard many times that all loves were different. That some loves grew fast, and some took their time. That some romances were like a slow burning flame, and some were like a blinding flash of light. That some were loud and some were quiet. Some were like a story, and some were like a song. And some... some could be splendid as the blazing sun, and yet inspiring as a shinning star.
Time, she supposed, would tell what kind they'd have.
But if she had to guess...
So tonight we're gonna wish upon a star We never wished upon before...
THE END.