Inner monologue in Jane's POV after "Violets". Oneshot.
I don't own The Mentalist and I don't make money with fanfiction.
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Too selfish:
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It's entirely my fault. She's going out with Pike because I'm the one who got them to know each other. I wanted this case because I'm too selfish and took it without asking Abbott first and even made Lisbon play my girlfriend undercover. Of course it's not been the first time I decided something over her head, but not asking Abbott probably went a little too far.
Am I becoming reasonable now, or what?! Meh...
The first night of our undercover operation I actually thought she had admitted her feelings for me to herself when she laid that blanket over me while I was asleep. I woke up when her phone rang. I guessed she spoke to Pike because she asked if he had just said that there was someone observing the house from outside and that they couldn't go out because of this. She said she's starving but there wasn't anything left to eat in the house after the party. With my extraordinary sharp mind I figured out that Pike must have told her where the closest diner was and because she couldn't leave the house she said: 'Now you're just trying to torture me.' I don't know what he answered but I don't think it was something I would have said. I'd simply say 'yes' and smile at her to make her blush. Oh, I wish I could say this to her some day under other circumstances...
Why am I so arrogant? I know she deserves someone better than me, but at the same time, I think I'm the only one for her and that nobody is better than me.
Cho is looking at me from his desk from time to time. I'm sure he'll ask me later if I wanna go for a drink and I'll say 'yes' because I might feel better then. A true friend knows when you shouldn't be drinking alone. Of course we won't really talk about the reason why I'm feeling so miserable, but Cho knows it anyway.
xxxxx
"Hey Jane, you wanna go for a beer? I think you need one."
"Not only one. Thanks, buddy."
When we leave the office, I remember how I asked Lisbon where we're going after the case and how she just looked at me to tell me with her eyes that she was going out with Pike alone. I said 'have fun' but I felt as if I was about to cry like a 15 year old girl with lovesickness. I realized what she must have felt all those years when I was flirting with other women right in front of her. She just went out without a second glance at me. The way how close she was walking next to Pike broke my heart. Usually, only we walk so close to each other.
Cho asks me if I'm ok. I honestly say "No, I'm not."
Now I know what jealousy feels like.
Xxxxx
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