Shave or Dye [dungeon fic]

A/N: This is a fanfic of the story There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns by Stewart92. (The divergence point is some little time after Delta gains her second level boss monster.) Mind you, this story is likely going to end up with even more D&D references than the original, and possibly some quite blatant Discworld content, so it may count as more of a crossover. I've already planned out the first eigh... Um, seven to nine chapters. (Almost jinxed it from the start, there.) If there's enough interest, there will likely be more to follow.

Recommended listening: Anything by Mississippi Bones should set a nice and goofy dungeon-crawling mood. Whenever Ruli appears, just assume that Dungeon Hustle is playing in the background.

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Chapter 1: Lime Still Here

"You know," Quiss grumbled. "When you suggested that we should celebrate your hard-won escape from the demonic school-teacher..." He turned to glare at Ruli, who was sitting a little closer to the pond. "...I'd somehow expected that you wanted to go get drunk, not rush right back down into the dungeon that got you in trouble, in the first place."

Ruli snorted, giving the wizard a quick disbelieving stare, before tilting her fishing rod back and then whipping it forward. The hook and line sailed past the gleaming Starlight Mushrooms that twinkled along the cavern's ceiling, before the bait-laden metal sank into the pond with a plopping noise.

"Are you kidding?" The barbarian warrior shuffled a little, making herself more comfortable on the conveniently flattened boulder she was using as a seat, and sighed with contentment. "I haven't been down here to do some proper fishing in ages!"

"Hours, at the very least," Quiss dead-panned. "Days, even."

Ruli gave him a playful nudge with her elbow, almost knocking the much skinnier wizard into the pond. "Exactly! Besides, Delta was probably missing me a bunch."

Suddenly, she slapped her forehead. "Oh!" She shifted her position, digging an item out of her pocket. "Mustn't forget, I found the perfect tribute for Delta, in the school room!"

Quiss glanced at the flat object in her hand, and then groaned. "Seriously? Did you have to get her a copy of that thing? Isn't she bad enough, already?"

Ruli graced him with a triumphant grin. She tossed the book up in the air and let it spin a few times, before catching it again. The title, 'Why Did the Cockatrice Cross the Road? 1001 Dungeon Jokes Appropriate for All Ages', was printed in large, bold letters on the front. "You mean, fishn't it possible she could get even bait-er?"

Quiss jabbed an angry finger at her. "You're just trying to bribe her into upgrading your fishing pond, again."

Ruli shrugged, looking completely unapologetic. "Oh no, you've figured trout my evil plan."

The cavern grew quiet for a few minutes, as Ruli settled down to enjoy her fishing, while Quiss glowered and muttered under his breath. A few stray words ("Only a three-year old would like that book," and "Stupid barbarians with their stupid bribery,") could be heard over the background noise of Deo, arm-wrestling with two of Delta's goblin minions in the background.

Hob and Gob had each grasped one of Deo's hands, and when they realized that they both a hand to spare, they'd started arm-wrestling with each other, as well. The three-way arm-wrestle wasn't really going anywhere, since none of the participants could spare enough force to defeat either of their opponents, but all three of them seemed to be having fun. Since they were even managing to keep the trash-talk and boasting to a minimum, Quiss had decided to ignore them, as much as possible.

"Y'know," Ruli drawled, scratching her chin. "I brought Delta some tribute the other day, just a few bits and pieces... You wizardly types would probably call 'em wossname... Trinkets, or some such." Her lazy grin was getting broader as she spoke.

Quiss briefly considered ignoring her, then decided against it. Such tactics never worked on Ruli, and usually just made her insistent in whatever new daftness she'd cooked up. "Oh?" he said in his most monotonous tone of voice. It was a good, flat tone; one of his fellow students had used it as a foundation to paint a set of runic enchantments, when she'd realized that Quiss' bored voice was even more bland and lifeless than cardboard or parchment, and thus less likely to contaminate her spells. "That's nice."

"Yeah, I thought so," Ruli blathered on, yawning and stretching her arms over her head in an oh-so-casual manner. The motion made the fur on her shirt bristle, causing it to look even spikier and more menacing than usual. Quiss glanced away quickly, before his eyeballs caught tetanus, or gangrene; Ruli really ought to wash her clothes, at some point. "One of them was a chess set," she said. "Just a cheap set from the... pawn shop."

"A PAWN IS A THING YOU FIND IN CHESS!" Deo muttered conspiratorially from the other side of the pond room. "I KNOW THAT, BECAUSE MY MUM DUG ONE OUT OF MY NOSE, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER!"

Quiss mouthed the words 'Last week?' at Ruli. She shook her head with a reproving look, replying: 'Last month,' adding "Thanks, Deo!" at a volume that the ever-helpful boy might notice. He gave her a cheerful smile and a wave, then returned to whatever nonsense he'd gotten up to with Delta's goblins.

"Oh, and there were some bits of limestone, as well," Ruli mused. "Kinda like... small tokens, that Delta can remember her old pal Ruli by, if I go travelling, and... lime not around for a while." She waggled her eyebrows at Quiss. "Get it? Lime sure you catch my drift, huh?"

Quiss picked up a fist-sized rock from beside the pond, and examined it with a critical eye. "Do you reckon this is big enough that I could bash my own brains out with it? Or at least knock your damn puns out of my head?" Ruli gave the rock a critical look, then scoffed.

"Nah," she said, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture. "Not unless you were some sort of monk, or a dwarven battle-baker, who'd specialized in turning tiny pebbles into lethal weapons."

"Ooh, and one more thing," Ruli clapped her hands in excitement. "I also gave Delta some, uh... Lumps of ore, y'know. Zinc, and such." She shuffled awkwardly in her seat.

"Do you need me to hold the book for you, while you fight your way through the fiendishly difficult one-syllable words?" Quiss asked, in between smacking his new rock against his temple. "Or should I just read it aloud for you? I can almost read it from here, already."

Ruli glared at him, changing her position a little more, trying to block his view of the joke book. She cleared her throat, then coughed. Finally, she made a deep, gurgling, rasping noise in the back of her throat. Carefully aiming away from her beloved fishing pond, she spat a gob of phlegm into a corner of the cave. Quiss managed to duck, just in time. Ruli lit up in a beaming smile, her earlier embarrassment completely forgotten in the pride of her accomplishment.

"Anyway," she said. "That zinc and stuff will be super useful. Delta can make mettle decorations for her loots chests, to impress new adventurers when they drop by to test their metal." Her pleased grin was as charming as any shark's.

Quiss banged the rock against the side of his head one more time for good measure, then threw it away in disgust. No luck, there; the rock had looked hard enough, at first glance, but a couple dozen blows had proven it to be really rather spongy and non-lethal. He mentally cursed Delta, and all her pacifist ways.

"Now, I know that stuffy old wizards like you don't hold with that sort of... brass-tidigitation," she lectured. "But us girls like to feel pretty, bronze in a while." She tapped her chin, looking thoughtful. "I guess that goes for girl dungeons, too, bronze you think about it."

"Yes, bravo," Quiss groaned. "I caught the 'bronze' pun the first time, thank you. No need to say it again." He dragged a hand down his face. "No need to say it the first time, either."

"But, you know," Ruli giggled. "Those chess pieces, the limestone, and the metals?" She raised her hands, counting off the items on her fingers. "When I'd put 'em down on one of Delta's tribute tables? As soon as I left the dungeon, she absorbed the junk so fast, I'm glad it was an honest gift, and not a trap someone else had set for her." She slapped her hand against her thigh, the noise echoing through the chamber.

Quiss rolled his eyes. When Ruli started acting like this, it was usually best to just let her get it out of her system. "Why's that, then?"

Ruli leaned closer to him. "Because if it had been a trap..." She paused, waiting to make sure she had his complete and undivided disinterest; she'd probably hoped for attention, but she'd just have to settle for what she got. "...Delta would have swallowed it... rook, lime and zinc-er!"

For several moments that, to Quiss, felt like three-quarters of eternity, the cavern was filled with Ruli's booming, raucous laughter. Deo and the goblins joined in her mirth, but their own chuckles drowned under the sheer unbridled joy of the barbarian woman's pun-fuelled hilarity.

"Limestone is one word," Quiss grumbled. Ruli stopped rolling around on the floor, letting her legs settle down from the wild kicks they'd administered to the air above her.

"What?" She stared blankly at the wizard, waiting for him to make sense.

Quiss gestured at her. "It's called 'limestone', not 'lime stone'. You should have counted three items, not four."

Ruli looked at her hand. Four of her fingers were still extended. She scowled at Quiss, and started gripping each errant finger with her free hand, folding it back into a fist with exaggerated movements. "Well, excu-u-use me, mister fancy-pants wizardly know-it-all!" When she'd folded three of her fingers back down, and only had one finger left extended, she raised her hand and presented it to Quiss. "I'll make sure to remember that, in future!" She shoved her hand towards Quiss, several times, making sure he saw her finger. "Lime! Stone! One! Word!"

Quiss responded by returning the gesture, scrambling to think of a suitable insult or swearword – preferably one that wouldn't get him in trouble for corrupting an innocent young dungeon like Delta. "Yeah? Well... Chalk you, too!"

Ruli's eyes widened in shock. Quiss realized that something had gone terribly wrong, when the entire cavern fell silent. Glancing around, he noticed that everyone was staring at him with odd expressions. Even the fish in Delta's pond* had floated to the surface, peering at him with quizzical expressions. Most of them were gaping at him, which was probably a normal look on a fish. On Ruli, with her rather sharp and suspiciously fang-like teeth, the 'jaw-dropped-in-astonishment' look just seemed unnerving.

Casting a nervous look over his shoulder, Quiss started to get up from his seat, trying to decide whether fight or flight was the wiser option. Moments later, the choice was taken from him, as Ruli gripped his face. She had a firm grip, using both hands to optimal effect. If Quiss wanted to escape, he'd probably end up leaving most of his cheeks behind.

He started to consider that option more seriously, when Ruli began to smush his face with her hands. Droplets of fearful sweat trickled down his back, as Ruli leaned in closer. Was she about to head-butt him to death? Or, even worse... Kiss him?!

"Quiss..." she murmured. "...You punned."

In an instant, Quiss felt his face turn pasty white, as nausea roiled in his gut. The arcane fire in his blood started to gutter out into lukewarm embers, leaving him shivering from both the sudden chill and abject disgust he felt at himself. He'd finally done it! He'd crossed that awful line, and stooped to Delta and Ruli's level! No wonder that even the very source of his mystical powers was recoiling from him.

As he staggered to the side, barely managing to stay upright by leaning against the cavern's wall, he slowly grew aware of a pounding in his ears. Was his heart beating its way out of his chest? Would every organ fail him, or flee in revulsion?

Shaking his head to clear his addled mind, he realized that the drumming noise wasn't his heartbeat. Rather, it was the rhythmic sound of an impromptu chorus line, made up of Ruli, Deo, and the two goblins - all of them laughing, clapping, and chanting "One of us! One of us! One of us!"

With a snarl of anger, Quiss stormed out of the cavern. He managed to storm roughly three-and-a-half steps, before it turned into more of a stumble. It seemed that Mr Mushy, one of Delta's artistic myconids, had heard the commotion, and decided to join the party. The humanoid mushroom put down the pot he was using as a drum, and steadied Quiss after the wizard bumped into the giant fungus-man.

"If anyone needs me, I'll be outside, looking for a very large boulder," Quiss grumbled as he finally managed to stalk out of the cavern. He'd hurt his ankle in the collision with Mr Mushy; nothing fatal, sadly, but bad enough to limit him to stalking, rather than storming. "Failing that, maybe a medium-sized rock will suffice, if I leap at it head-first, from a great height."

In hindsight, it was a good thing that his dramatic exit had already been ruined, several times over. Otherwise, it would have been even worse for his pride when he tripped over the unexpected wheel of cheese that had just rolled into the cavern.

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*Whenever the subject of true ownership of the pond was addressed, Ruli would point out that possession was nine-tenths of the law, and she felt very possessive of that pond, indeed. Given that Quiss was both a wizard and the village's Peacekeeper, she argued, he was forced to obey both the lore and the law. Delta's opinion on the subject, according to her monsters, seemed to mostly consist of giggling.