I don't normally write future-fics, because I don't like the idea of anticipating what's going to happen and get it proven horribly wrong when the "what's going to happen" actually happens. But in this case I had to make an exception. I really liked what I was doing with everyone, even though some of it... well... isn't nice. Nobody hurt me for doing something nasty to their favorite character, okay?

BACK TO YOU
a fic about the beyond
by Kay Willow

Back to you...
It always comes around
Back to you...
I tried to forget you,
I tried to stay away;
But it's too late...

Zero wasn't used to being early, and he certainly wasn't used to being the first to arrive. But this was a special occasion, he rationalized to his drink as he waited, so it was forgivable that he was early. It wasn't going to ruin his reputation, just this one time.

The waitress probably thought he was wallowing in despair, the way he'd been getting drink after drink and practically knocking them back in a single shot like water.

/But I'm not wallowing. I'm fortifying. I have to remember how to smile at everything. Fuck. I can't even remember the last time I felt like smiling for more than a brief minute at a time./ He could remember--what seemed like an eternity ago--when he'd been hard-put to ever be serious. These days it seemed like there wasn't enough good cheer to go around.

"And there's so much to be cheerful about, too," he mused to the drink. "We won the war. We're here on Zion. The human race is safe. All the old gang is having a reunion and Hiead won't be here-- for fuck's sake, surely that's worth being cheerful about."

For all that, he couldn't make himself smile.

A bar was rather an informal, almost rudely casual place to be meeting the men and women who had been his friends and companions when they had saved the human race. But Kizna said that Ikhny had been reading a book that claimed that when you got together a bunch of wildly different people after a long time apart, it was best to meet on neutral ground. Apparently, neutral ground was Lillian's, "a club for the older crowd", and while Zero doubted that they were exactly "the older crowd", they sure as hell weren't children anymore either.

/How old am I? I'm twenty now. Holy shit. Surely I'm older than that? Maybe I am... How would I know how long I was in a test tube before Kaasan decided to take me home.../

Oh, thrilling, there were two topics guaranteed to depress him more.

Kizna and Ikhny were happy, which Zero was always glad to hear. They lived near him, so he visited them every now and then, and they'd been talking happily about adoption last time he was there. (He'd made a stupid comment about Kizna's maternal qualities and gotten himself smacked, but he'd been himself for twenty seconds.) But he hadn't heard from the others in months.

"Zero-kun!"

/Oh, fuck, he just called me *-kun*!/ It was so Roose that Zero couldn't help grinning as he stood. Roose practically threw himself at the older man, nearly in tears at the sight of him.

"Zero, I can't believe it's you, look at you, you've changed so much, you're taller, wow, you look taller than Instructor Azuma, have you heard from him, Yamagi-kun and I heard that he and Doctor Croford ran off to New Dennsha and got eloped, isn't that crazy--"

Zero laughed. "Slow down, slow down! I can't even see Yamagi over all your chattering."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Yamagi demanded from the doorway, but he was grinning good-naturedly.

/Just like old times./ With wide-eyed innocence, Zero responded, "Well, you're just so short, even a couple of quick sentences could overwhelm you--"

"You jackass." Yamagi laughed and headed over to embrace him as well.

It was bizarrely sentimental to notice that Yamagi had grown almost exactly the same amount he had, so he was still a good four inches taller. They were definitely getting weirder as they got older.

Neither of them had changed much at all; both a little taller, Yamagi with a different haircut, Roose having gained a bit of weight back. They were still the same people they had been, as well--Roose chattering on excitedly about everyone and everything, and Yamagi snappish and defensive and behaving in a manner opposite his bearing, which was relaxed and at ease.

Zero started to feel like himself again.

Saki was the next to arrive; she shouted at them from across the room and the first thing she did was actually jump on Zero's back, knees on his shoulders, and lean over his head to talk to Roose and Yamagi obliviously. She was full of so much energy that she nearly stunned him senseless; it was hard to believe that she was twenty, too. Zero felt like he'd been living for an eternity--Saki, clearly, hadn't aged a day.

She looked very little different, to be sure--thinner but not much taller, hair worn now in a single sedate ponytail at the back of her neck but eyes still glowing with life. There was no ring on her finger; she came with no one.

After Saki, the next to arrive was Tukasa, who was absolutely identical to the way she had been, more than any of the rest of them, although somehow she didn't seem to be quite as tall as she had once. The man she'd brought with her was taller than she was, and that perspective made Zero realize for the first time that Tukasa had never really been giant-sized: simply tall for her age. Now she was barely above average height.

She introduced her companion as Theodore, an architect on the outer Zion provinces, and her fiancee. Everyone congratulated her heartily, and no one more sincerely than Yamagi, who punched Theodore on the arm and told him that he had a good woman, and he'd better appreciate her. He even asked them to sit next to him; Roose obligingly took the seat on the end of the curved booth so that they could slide between them.

Maybe Yamagi had changed more than Zero had originally assumed. Roose too; he could remember a time when if Roose had been sitting next to Yamagi, no one could've pried him off, even equipped with a crowbar.

Kizna and Ikhny arrived together, with Wrecka trailing behind them. Kizna looked much the same, even her haircut having remained from their days at GOA; Ikhny wore her hair longer now, and seemed far happier now that she could afford the automic surgery to get rid of her glasses. But it was Wrecka who shocked Zero the most.

What had happened to the confident, in-charge girl he remembered? The girl who had been willing to take on the world without a second thought? This young woman was skinny to the point of being underfed, had dark circles under her eyes, and even her smile seemed somewhat faded from the glistening grin she'd used to flash at whoever she'd been charming at the moment.

Wrecka stopped short near the table. Roose, who was facing her, had also frozen. They stared at each other for a long moment while the other girls were welcomed, and then suddenly Wrecka ducked her head.

"Wrecka-chan," Roose murmured, looking crestfallen. The whole table fell silent, watching and waiting to see what would happen.

Zero knew that they were all thinking of the same day: when Roose had finally made it to First Troop, and someone--they still didn't know who, and Roose had never said--had told him that Wrecka had been cheating on him. The argument, though understated, had left its ripples among their little group: Roose quietly determined, Wrecka in tears, and their teammates left wondering whether they would ever even be able to become friends again. Even once they had graduated to GIS, they had never been the same, and Roose had refused to interact with her longer than he had to. Wrecka had retained her dignity, and made no attempt to restore the relationship he had broken up.

Now what?

/Come on, Roose,/ Zero found himself thinking. /There's a limit to how long someone should have to pay for a single transgression./

Roose got to his feet slowly and took a single step forward.

"I'm so sorry!" Wrecka blurted, sounding choked. "I'm so sorry--it was thoughtless, and I didn't mean it, and I was so stupid--oh, Roose, I'm so sorry!"

Almost immediately, the young man's face cleared. "Wrecka-chan," he breathed with relief, moving those last few feet and hugging her. She threw her arms around him and sobbed into his jacket, making a scene in the middle of the bar that neither of them even appeared to notice.

Kizna murmured, "That's so wonderful. You wouldn't believe how desperately unhappy she's been." She flashed Ikhny a quick smile.

"Yes, in all the time she's been staying with us prior to this get-together, she's never once seemed really happy." Ikhny took her lover's hand and squeezed it. Zero hated it when they got all sentimental in public.

Roose and Wrecka sat down together, to congratulations from the others. Zero couldn't help noticing that Yamagi looked slightly bitter at their glowingly happy expressions.

"He's been living in your house for four years now, right?" Zero inquired under his breath. Yamagi nodded, almost imperceptibly. Despite knowing that it was wrong, Zero couldn't help grinning. "My, how the tables have turned. Years ago, you couldn't get Roose to let go of you; now that he's ready to stand on his own, you're finding that maybe you are kind of fond of him after all, huh?"

Yamagi glared at him for a second, and then muttered, "It's just gonna be quiet around when he moves out."

Life was hard to Yamagi. He never knew what he had until it was gone, and he kept insisting that he didn't want it once he no longer had it. Zero clapped a hand on the shorter man's shoulder, and toasted his glass. The two of them drank in silence.

Clay was the last to arrive, and everyone froze when he entered the bar. He looked so different from the lovable geek they'd known so well: dressed in elegantly-tailored and expensive clothes, face firmly defined--somehow he seemed strong without his glasses--and once-wispy hair moussed back into a more restrained style. He was every inch the dignified stranger.

Things had not gone well last time they'd seen Clay.

He noticed them sitting there, even though they were all pretending not to have seen him, and began winding his way around the tables immediately. When he murmured his greetings and sat down, there was silence. Zero tried his best to say something, to welcome him, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He knocked back the rest of his drink instead. Saki was pointedly not looking at any of them, face turned away.

After a long and uncomfortable pause, Ikhny said, "It's been a while, Clay. It's good to see you again."

"I think it's rather disappointing, personally," Yamagi said to no one. "I was hoping that he'd been eaten by his ego."

Clay's lips thinned at the insult, but he looked unsurprised. Against his will, Zero found himself admiring whatever character trait had brought Clay to this reunion, knowing the reception that he would find.

But Theodore seemed impressed. "Clay? As in, Clay C. Fortran? Directing researcher of the Savior Genetics Corporation?"

"Good Lord," Saki hissed, even as Clay responded, "Yes, I'm the chief researcher there."

"I've heard so much about you, Dr. C!" Clay started briefly at the name. Zero fought to contain a shudder of sudden displacement. Clay had not been the first one to wear that name. Theodore was apparently a victim of ignorance rather than stupidity, and noticed their disconcertion, and frowned thoughtfully. He continued, slow, "I've always admired your work, and have been following your career ever since you started as an Observer..."

"And decided that his friends were expendable," Yamagi added.

With surprising violence, Clay slammed his fist down on the table. "Damnit, Yamagi, I was doing my job! I had no choice in the matter!"

"You lied to us! You betrayed us!" Yamagi snarled. "Surely there was a better way to manage it than that!"

"Believe me, there was no other way. I took into account all the various possibilities, did everything that I could to avoid that one, but in the end there was only one way to end the threat of Victim forever--"

"You sent us out there to die!"

The whole bar was staring at them. Lillian herself had appeared and had frozen in the doorway, unable to interfere. She had recognized the quarreling gentlemen, no doubt, as Dr. C the famous geneticist, and Yamagi Kushida of President La Card's Colonial Management Cabinet. Perhaps she also recognized Sawamura of the Sawamura textile zaibatsu, or Toesing of the Rein banking empire, or soon-to-be Dr. Allecto, the most promising new entrant to the field of psychology after the success of her first book. Also possible that she'd identified Governor Kuscha of neighboring Liberta, or "Kizuna"--the pseudonym of the artist who had founded the limitless artstyle--or even Saki Mimori, the local kindergarten teacher.

Maybe she'd recognized Zero.

Clay seemed to have folded in on himself at Yamagi's most recent accusation. He said quietly, "I knew that you would not fail."

"You let us run headlong into lethal danger with no warnings, no knowledge, and no help!"

"I had faith in you."

"And if one of us had to die for that faith?" Yamagi continued, unrelenting. "Two of us? Three? Four? Nothing else mattered as long as the Wonder Twins continued to do what you wanted, right?"

/The Wonder Twins./ Scarily appropriate, and yet so mocking. /Kaasan, I wonder what you would've said about Hiead? Probably that he needed nothing more than a mother to take care of him, right? You always did understand better than you let on. It's because of you that I didn't wind up like him./

Clay had reacted with agitation to this new attack while Zero sunk deeper into himself. "Look, stop being so selfish, will you? This isn't about you here! The entire human race depended on the outcome of that fight--I had to think about what's better for everyone, not just you!"

"You could've told us! So we knew that we were fighting for everyone!"

"You would never have believed me," Clay vowed, and Yamagi frowned thoughtfully. "None of you would've reacted the same way if you'd known--"

Ikhny murmured, "We're causing a scene." Both of the arguing parties froze. Tukasa added, "This could be very bad for all our careers, if this gets out."

They settled down, and then, as Zero had suspected, all attention turned to him.

/Wonder Twins, huh?/ He continued to say nothing.

The conversation slowly resumed while Zero lost himself in his own memories. How had he not known what he was, what he wasn't? How had he not realized what had happened to the woman who had called herself his mother? How had he forgotten so much--the life before Kaasan's colony, the darkness ever lurking nearby in their idyllic life, the odd sense of fondness he had somehow sensed from the Goddess who had saved him, the girl who had called to him... So much that he had blocked away, chosen to not remember, to ignore.

What had he won, now that the war was over? Kaasan was dead, long dead. He had gained no peace of mind from the destruction of the Victim. And he was so very alone, and he had always secretly feared those moments that came so frequently now: the still silence of the late night, when he couldn't sleep, and the vastness of the universe crept up on him and enveloped him in a supreme sort of awareness.

Zero had always known, on some level, that he was not human. Had always known that Hiead--

"It's a shame that Hiead-san couldn't be here," Ikhny offered into a conversational lull.

Even Zero was jerked out of his inner contemplation, and he laughed along with the others--until he noticed the scowl on Kizna's face. Bit by bit, the laughter died away, and everyone was left staring awkwardly at the two women.

"You... you meant that?" Saki stumbled. "Ikhny-chan, he was--"

"Of course I meant it." Ikhny sighed and looked out the window, at the darkness beyond. "I am under no delusions that he was a good person, or that things would be so happy if he were here, but... It's sad, what happened to him. I think his entire life is very sad. He shouldn't have had to die that way."

"I say good riddance," Yamagi grumbled. "He never did anything but hurt other people."

Roose burst suddenly, "I'm not sorry he's dead! He was... he was horrible!" Apparently without realizing it, he clutched tighter to Wrecka's hand. She winced, but moved close to comfort him.

Saki nodded her agreement with the others, and even Clay seemed to be finding a way to tactfully express his relief at Hiead's death.

Personally, Zero was with the majority. He had always hated Hiead, never for a single moment regretted his death, and wholeheartedly believed that the human race was better off without him. But there was another part--the part that had never been a man, the part that was more than that--that demanded that he say something.

"Hiead can not die. If he had died, I would also be dead. He has simply rejoined the Universe Form."

There were those stares again. Zero wished briefly that he could stare at himself for that comment. He was /different/, he was /not like them/, he was /other/, and he always would be. Damn them for finding it so freakish, and damn him for not being able to hide it better.

Clay recovered first. "Zero, we shouldn't talk about the Universe Form in public," he reminded quietly.

"I didn't say what it was," he protested. "But that's all that happened to Hiead. He's not really dead, he's just returning to a pure state. Once his soul is cleansed, it'll be brought back into the cycle of reincarnation." Oh, and the looks he was getting now were not much better.

"Thank you."

Startled, Zero looked at Ikhny. She was smiling at him. She was... thanking him. Why? He'd missed something again. Later he'd have to go back and carefully review what he said and figure out what had gotten mangled in the mental translation this time.

He didn't need to. Ikhny, who knew him almost as well as Kizna, quickly clarified, "For telling me that he would have another chance. I feel much better now, thinking that perhaps next time things will be better for him."

Zero smiled back at her, now understanding. She couldn't possibly realize the magnitude of what Universe Form really was, and she didn't even have all the facts, but all that she needed to know was that someone who had abused her mercilessly in life had not been abandoned in death. Ikhny was like Kizna, one of those rare few who could accept the incomprehensible as long as she knew how it related to her.

She accepted Zero, after all.

Another few rounds of drinks, and a good while of talking later, the tension had been forgotten. Even Clay's presence had become tolerable as he chatted with them, and slowly things had started seeming almost like before. If Kizna and Ikhny were a little closer than they had once been, then that could be overlooked. If Roose and Wrecka seemed clingier than usual, if Tukasa had come accompanied by her fiancé, if Saki behaved a bit stiffly towards Clay, then these things were only reminders of the passage of time.

They were all putting on their coats and leaving, almost before Zero could get used to it.

"It wouldn't take long to move my things out of Yamagi-kun's, but I think my sister might not want to give up the estate now that I've let her run it for so long..."

"You can always move into my place, Roose; Daddy is never there, but Mama would absolutely adore it if you'd come--"

"Fuck. You guys work this out; let me know when you need the moving trucks, and what day the wedding will be."

"Yama-san, speaking of weddings, Theodore and I were hoping you can attend ours. My father was killed in the wars, and most of my other male relatives aren't--"

"Are you asking me to walk you down the aisle?"

"Well, since you were her partner, I guess we thought..."

"You're asking Yamagi to give you away, Tukasa-chan? How sweet! You're going to have a great big formal wedding, right? Ikhny and I love those..."

"You two definitely have to come visit my classroom; if you're thinking about adopting, then you'll love the kids I take care of."

"You really think it wouldn't be a problem? I don't want to make any trouble..."

"No, Ikhny, definitely come around sometime--"

Quiet fell around them like a shroud as they all went off to their respective vehicles. Yamagi and Roose and Wrecka moved for their transportation without comment, and Theodore and Tukasa waved at everyone, but also kept their silence as they left. Zero could only watch, wondering why everything seemed so depressing to him. He'd been nothing but depressed the entire night.

Kizna approached him, smiling gently, and although she too was silent, she reached out and embraced him. He returned the hug, and they just stood there for a long moment while she consoled him and he remembered things that had not happened in either of their lifetimes, and thought about how much Ikhny must love her, and how happy he was for them.

She drew back after a moment, put a finger to her lips, winked, and wordlessly pointed behind him. He half-turned.

He didn't need to be able to hear what Clay and Saki were saying to know what was going on; it was obvious on both their faces. Clay wanted to take back something he had lost--Saki couldn't manage to make herself let go of what had happened before. Neither of them could. There was too much that they both remembered, and clung to, and strugggled against.

Then Clay held out a hand, cleared his throat, and spoke, almost shy from the expression on his face. Zero knew what the other man was saying: Hello. My name is Clay Cliff Fortran. We don't know each other, but I've been watching you for a long time, and I was wondering if maybe we could go out sometime.

And after an agonizing eternity, Saki reached out her own hand and took his. I am Saki Mimori, Zero could almost hear her saying. I would like that very much.

/They're starting from the beginning again. It can work now./ Zero relaxed minutely. He had been no less upset at Clay than the others, but at the same time it had bothered him greatly that Clay had been unable to find any happiness after what he'd done. And even if he had chosen to bridge the distance and befriend Clay again, it still would not have given him Saki back, and that was what Clay had really wanted.

The serenity shattered.

"I guess Erts-san decided not to come after all," Ikhny said to herself, from nearby.

Zero started. "He was invited?" he asked dumbly.

"Yes, of course, I invited everyone," she confirmed, stepping up and hugging him in goodbye. "Rome-san said that she wouldn't be able to come--there's a fashion show in Geneva she needs to attend--but sent her regards. Erts-san never replied at all..."

Zero shook his head. "He's just really isolated, that guy," he mumbled. It didn't really surprise him that Erts hadn't shown up. As a boy, he'd never seemed to think that he belonged anywhere: now as a young man, the reunion would only be a reminder of the time when he had been so terribly unhappy.

Still, it would've been nice to see him again.

"Good night, Zero," Kizna said gently. "Get some rest, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. You're so bossy," he mock-complained, and winked at her.

He waited and watched while the last of them drove off, and then stood there, alone in the darkness.

Tomorrow would be another day. He had what some people might call a job, but if he chose not to go in tomorrow it wouldn't matter at all; they'd told him, again and again, that he only had to come in when he felt up to it, or when there was a crisis. After all, they'd joked, if Superman had been a member of the police department, it would've been silly to have him go out on patrol when nothing was happening and then still count on him to save the day when everything went wrong. (It was a cultural reference that Zero didn't understand, but that was okay, because he really didn't think he'd like the comparison.)

Who was going to make him go to work, anyway? He was the messiah.

Nobody ever told you what the messiah was supposed to do when the apocalypse had been overcome, did they? Was he meant to just settle down among the people he had saved? Get married? Have two-point-five children? Watch over the metaphorical flock? Was the 'flock' really supposed to be his friends?

Zero hated it when he was alone, because it made him realize that he really was lost in the world that he had once loved from afar.

/Hey, Teela./ He tapped the ground with one foot. /I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Is this right? Is this really the way they're supposed to be? Show me what I'm supposed to do now. You're my mother--help me./

He hadn't really expected Zion to respond, and it didn't. The planet remained as it had been: spinning contentedly in the vastness, allowing life to proceed without interference. Even the Goddess within the planet's deep core was untouched by his plea; the spirit who had once been called Teela gave him no signs.

There were no signs. No wonder he was getting lost.

/I am such an idiot./ With a sigh, Zero took a step forward.

"I am such an idiot."

Erts looked little different. His hair was somewhat longer, somewhat more feathery; his face was still too solemn, and he still looked underfed. He was dressed well and seemed healthy, but his expression was hopeless and depressed.

It was familiar, but it didn't suit him. Belatedly, Zero said, "You're not an idiot."

"I am. The reunion... it was at... seven, Zion Standard Time, right?" Erts smiled wryly at Zero's nod. "I really am. The colony I live on is four hours behind ZST... I forgot to take the time difference into account. So I scheduled my flight for 3 PM my time, thinking that I'd be able to more than get in by 7 PM, but it already was 7 PM, and even though I upgraded the flight at the last minute I still didn't get in until a half-hour ago and... And I guess I was too late."

"I guess." Zero sought to find something better to say, but couldn't. He couldn't even bring himself to try and fake happiness; Erts would know--his EX had never really gone away. Or maybe he just knew Zero too well.

/If I say the wrong thing, he might turn away from me./

"It's good, though," Erts said suddenly. His fingers tangled in the buttons on his trenchcoat, drawing it tighter about him. The night air was icy. Zion wasn't temperature-regulated. "I would've liked to see the others, but... It's better this way, I think. I didn't really come to reminisce. Those... were not good times for me."

"They weren't good times for anyone." Erts' eyes lit with sad sympathy at that comment, and Zero cursed himself for letting it slip out. He didn't want pity.

The blond said quietly, "I came here because... I wanted to talk to you. There's something I need to tell you."

Zero stared at the white wisps of breath that had frozen with those words, almost imagining that he could see their meaning in the air that had been released by the act of speech. But surely what he was imagining was made up. Surely there was no such meaning to those words.

"Something I need to tell you." Erts took a calming breath, and added, "Something we both need to hear."

On the day of the last battle, when four Pilots had returned with their lives, courtesy of a miracle, there had been massive festivities and rejoicing awaiting them. In the chaos, there had been one impulsive, burning kiss, a wistful memory burned into Zero's mind. But Erts had not believed in it--he had always been alone and had never known how to trust in others, and fear of pain greater than what he already knew had forced him to reject Zero that day. Better the pain of being alone and unloved than the pain of a love betrayed.

It had hurt to turn away that day and part as nothing more than friends, hurt to see how much they'd both wanted things to be otherwise. Teela had comforted him, before she had left for her own place, understanding in a way that only a mother could be, and promised him that someday it would be worth it--that the hurt wouldn't last forever. Someday the need to be together would overpower the twisted logic that kept them apart.

Five years, but it seemed like the hurt and the loneliness were finally beginning to fade.

Zero smiled; slowly, but more genuine than anything he'd felt in months. "Yeah," he said, stepping forward. "I have something to tell you also."

Back to me...
It always comes around
Back to me...
Doesn't it scare you?
Your will is not as strong
as it used to be...

All things that are not explained in the course of this fic are not meant to be explained. I know that there's lots of things that I left out. But this story is about this future and what has happened in it, and about how the past affects it. But the past IS the past, and even though it affects the future, it's over. Sorry! ^_^

"Back to You" belongs to John Mayer, "Megami Kouhosei" belongs to Sugisaki Yukiru, and "this fic" belongs to me. No stealie.

On a less pleasant note, I hate this story. I can't help thinking something's wrong with it. Ahhh, well. It's finished and it needed to be posted.

--Kay
Dual Potential, an MK info site: http://dualpotential.net
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