A/N- Warning trigger
Future Soul
Jane's birthday was coming soon. The birthday she had dreaded most all of her life. Her 30th birthday was in a day. It was the birthday she considered to be the official end of her youth. She would consider herself to be old and useless from that day on. Of course she had decided all this to be the facts that would happen to her at thirty years old at age sixteen. Jane had always believed and stuck with this philosophy since her sixteenth birthday.
She sat in the dark on her couch all alone in her apartment. She was drinking whiskey out of a shot glass . Which she kept drinking and refilling .
Jane was getting drunker as she was reviewing her whole life up to now. She wanted to know how and why she ended up here on her couch like this, drunk and alone? She starts listing everything one by one in her life and how they happened to her. She listed how things were and how she had wanted them to be by the time she was thirty years old.
Jane wrote down on a list. First her job , she always wanted to grow up and be a cop. Now she has achieved that and is a highly decorated homicide detective. Actually that was more than she had even hoped for herself. Jane lifts her shot glass up and cheers herself for job well done.
"Check , good job on that Rizzoli."
Jane refills her shot glass then sits back on the couch looking at it. She looks up and the room starts to spin . She shakes her head to try and make it stop. It does little but she feels like she is swimming through the thoughts in her head.
She clears her throat loudly "Okay get it together Rizzoli. You need to get your shit together before Maura comes over. Alright next on my list ...my love life ."
Jane falls over onto the couch as she breaks out into sad laughter at the thought of her nonexistent love life . She gets back up laughing she picks up the glass and downs the whiskey.
"Ahhhh whoo , love life yeah right. Skip that for a second. Next on my list , stop talking out loud to myself or I'm going to get locked up somewhere." Jane smiles at her own joke.
Jane's front door swings open and she strains her eyes to see the person. But holding up her hand to block the bright sunlight streaming through the door all she sees is a dark outline of a woman.
The room fills with a blinding bright light as the woman flips all the lights on in the apartment. Jane covers her eyes with both hands and yells.
"Turn them off ,turn the lights off ! Ahh I can't see ,turn it off , please."
The woman turns off all but one of the lights . Jane hears the familiar sound of a small laugh coming from the woman. Jane keeping her eyes covered as she tries to recover from the blinding light.
"Maura is that you?"
"Yes Jane it's me."
Maura covers her mouth with her hand to hide her smile from Jane. But she lets another small laugh escape from her hand covered mouth.
Jane grins as she hears the laugh. Maura's laugh had always made Jane feel warm and fuzzy inside but she never knew why. She really didn't care why either because it just made her happy. And there wasn't too many things anymore that made her happy. So she never over analyzed the whys of her happiness until today with her list.
Patting the seat on the couch next to her Jane uncovers her eyes seeing Maura. Who's beauty has always been an overwhelming vision part dream and part reality to Jane. She smiles up at Maura.
"Come sit with me and drink ? I'm warming up getting ready for my birthday."
"I'm here to find out what you want as a present for your birthday." She suddenly notices Jane has been drinking ."You're intoxicated aren't you? I can tell by your heavy lidded eyes and the start of slurred speech."
Jane fills her glass again. She then holds up the half empty whiskey bottle for Maura to see as she downs the full shot glass with her other hand.
"Ahhhh , you couldn't tell I was drunk by the half empty bottle ? Wait here I'll get you a glass." Jane laughs as she tries to stand to go get another glass for Maura. Jane stumbles and falls back down into the couch. Maura blocks her when she tries again.
"No that's okay Jane I don't want a glass. I came by also to see how you were doing. You have seemed a little depressed all day. You want to tell me what's bothering you?"
Waiting on Jane's answer Maura scans the apartment . Out of the corner of her eyes she sees Jane's gun laying on top of the coffee table next to the half empty Jack Daniel's bottle. Maura panics as she thinks depression alcohol and guns definitely do not mix well. So before Jane could sarcastically respond to her she tries to calmly speak.
"Um Jane why isn't your weapon in your safe ? Isn't it where you always put it when you get home?"
Jane takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly . She was only trying to make the room stop spinning but it was making Maura nervous.
"When I got home all I wanted to do was drink and fill out my list. I guess I just forgot to lock up my gun."
Jane saw the worry in Maura's eyes . She tries to calm Maura's worries about her.
But in Jane style it comes out sarcastic .
"Don't worry Maura I'm not suicidal. I'm only twenty-nine I won't be suicidal until I officially turn thirty." Jane laughs, but Maura doesn't laugh.
"Jane that's not funny. Don't even joke about suicide. There are too many people who love you so much for you to even think that way Jane."
Jane mumbles as Maura got up. "Yeah but not the one I really want to love me."
Maura picks up Jane's gun to go and put it in her safe for her. She hears Jane mumbling as she walks into Jane's bedroom and locks up the gun. She made her way back to Jane relieved the gun was safely locked up.
Jane's mumbling was so soft and garbled Maura couldn't make out everything she had said, she sits back down and asks,
"What ? I couldn't hear what you said. All I heard you say was "Not the one . Not the one what Jane?"
It was Jane's turn to panic. The sudden panic begins to sober her up. But she wasn't sure now was the right time to profess her love for Maura , but that time would soon be here. She searches for something to respond to her with.
"Look Maura you're only twenty-nine you have no idea what I'm going through. I'm not suicidal . I just feel like my life is ending. Well not ending but a big part of it is ending. My youth will be gone, I'll be … just old I guess. I'm just going over all my youthful dreams to see if I accomplished anything in my life so far. You don't have to worry , really Maura don't. As for what you didn't hear I was just commenting on my nonexistent love life, that's all."
Maura tilts her head to the side looking at Jane wondering.
"Aww Jane you are still young, thirty is not old. Besides I thought you were interested in someone romantically? Didn't you tell me at Dirty Robber last week you wanted to tell someone you were in love with them?"
Jane scrunches her face looking at her trying to remember when she said that to her.
"That , was that the night I drank way too much and you had to drive me home? Because I don't remember too much about that night."
"Yes that night Jane. You told me you have loved her for a long time and.."
Jane nervously cuts her off fast to make sure she heard her right, "Her?"
Maura grins "Yes she is what you told me. You went on for an hour or so just describing how beautiful she was to you. You started to tell me how you would make love to her but then you started to pass out before you could finish." Maura fans herself remembering "It was interesting , I wouldn't mind if you wanted to tell me again ...well without passing out this time. It was very eye opening and very hot."
Jane was so embarrassed she couldn't remember what she said that night. She throws her face into her hands hiding from Maura. She talks through her fingers to Maura.
"Oh God I'm so sorry and embarrassed. I.. I didn't say who though right?"
Maura smiles and rubs Jane's back trying to comfort her embarrassment.
"Oh Jane it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of...really it's not. You didn't say who but to be honest I was a little jealous. I know that we're only best friends but this mystery woman seems to have your full attention and to be honest I feel a little left out and jealous."
Jane was getting too much information all at once. She just tried to hide deeper into her hands. Maura watching what she said wasn't helping Jane she decided to confess something personal she had never told Jane before to try to ease her embarrassment.
"Jane please don't be upset. Let me tell you something I was afraid to tell you before. You think that would help ease your anxiety a little?"
Jane confused but curious, she thought Maura had told her everything about herself to her. Jane takes her face out of her hands. She sits up straight looking into Maura's eyes to see if she was serious. Jane pours herself another shot and downs it.
"Yeah Maura go ahead shoot . Wait you have to drink at least one shot I think that might help me too. Not being the only one drinking is uncomfortable for me. Maura I thought I knew everything about you already. Is this something new that just happened?"
Jane fills her own shot glass full and slides it in front of Maura to drink. Maura smiles and pushes Jane's glass back to her. Maura grabs the Jack Daniels bottle and turns it up to her mouth and takes a long drink straight from the bottle. Jane's eyes grew big impressed with Maura.
"Wow Maura what the hell are you going to tell me? Is it that big that you need to get drunk first?"
Maura laughs loudly then covers her mouth quickly "No it's not big. I'm just trying to catch up with you a little."
Jane grins nodding at Maura "Okay then tell me I'm getting curious."
Maura takes another drink from the bottle sets it down looks at Jane.
"I've only loved three … No wait let me just say it this way. Um..I didn't think this would be this difficult to tell you. Okay well it's not something that has recently happened but still I never told you. Ah well, I've been with women before...um sexually that is Jane."
Jane wasn't sure she heard her right but knew she needed to answer . She took her time trying to word her response back. Jane wanted to try and make it sound surprised but not hopeful as she was getting . But then she got angry when she realized Maura had slept with women. Why was she having sex with women besides her.
Jane accusingly asks "Who?...I mean with who? Do I know ..any of them?"
Maura didn't like her tone of voice. She knew Jane was upset with her for not telling her.
" Jane don't make me feel sorry telling you? I don't think you need to know who. But I will let you know that you don't know any of them."
Jane was really angry now. "Them? Why , why the fuck didn't you tell me? I've been in my own personal hell worrying about telling you. And I'm only attracted to one woman . I've never even had sex with a woman before and you...you are just going around acting like a sl.."
Maura stops her she puts her hand over Jane's mouth.
"Jane stop it! Don't you dare say anything I'll never be able to forgive you for. I know you've just had too much to drink so please think before you say anything else. Remember I love you , you're my best friend okay?"
Jane slowly removes Maura's hand from her mouth with her hand. Feeling guilty now for almost calling Maura a slut. She hangs her head .
"Sorry Maura really I am sorry. You're my best friend and I love you too. You just surprised me with that I guess I wasn't ready to hear that. I mean I've been struggling with telling you. And apparently I already kinda did tell you and don't remember it. But I guess I just didn't tell you who."
Smiling again accepting always Jane's apologies says teasingly "So tell me who is this sl...I mean tell me her name. Do I know her?"
Laughing Jane seriously debates on whether to tell her it's her or not. She then gets an idea to see if Maura is attracted to her or not. Jane decides to say it like a joke just to put out her feelers to see how Maura really feels about her. Jane sits up straight on the couch straighter than she ever had before. She adjusts her clothes and tosses her hair back out of her face. She faces Maura looks seriously at her. She picks up her shot glass ready to down it if she doesn't get the reaction she wants she'll drink the whiskey.
Jane's voice now raspy and deeper from drinking whiskey clears her throat.
"Um Maura ,okay but first when you came in you asked me what I want as a present for my birthday right? "
Maura nods hopefully "Yes please , just name it."
"Okay um …I , well what I want more than anything in the world doesn't cost any money."
"Really? Now I'm really curious Jane. Come on tell me please?" Maura leans in closer and grabs Jane's hand.
Nervous as hell Jane's hand starts shaking. Which doesn't goes unnoticed by Maura. She squeezes Jane hand with hers.
"Maura I want one night."
"One night? To do what I don't understand Jane?"
"I want one night with the woman I'm in love with."
Maura is a little disappointed she hoped it had included her somehow.
But she puts on a smile and says "Well okay then, just tell me who she is and I'll see what I can do?"
Jane sees a little sadness in Maura's eyes and gets hopeful it's about her. Jane sits her still full shot glass down on the table.
"Wait not so fast. First let me tell you what I want out of the one night."
Maura laughs interrupting "Yeah I think I know what you want to happen."
Jane fakes being insulted by Maura . She teases Maura as she grabs her chest "Maura well I never!"
Maura laughs harder "Yeah I know you haven't and that's why you want to do it on that one night."
Jane smiling play slaps Maura's arm "Quit it ..I'm serious, I have a whole list of things I want the woman to know before she spends the night with me."
"Oh so you're are going to make her jump through hoops to have sex with you huh?"
Jane is now really offended by what Maura said and debates whether to tell her the details and it's all about her.
"No Maura of course not. It's just I want to be completely open and honest before anything happens. Plus you know give her options or an easy out of the night. So we can spare each other from hurt feelings."
"Oh Jane okay I'm sorry. I thought you were joking. But go ahead and tell me if you want me to relay the list to her."
"No I'm serious really Maura.I want her to be completely comfortable being with me. I want her to know exactly where I stand and how I feel about her."
"That's very considerate of you Jane. Plus very sensible to discuss things first. Do you know if this will be her first time having sex with a woman or not?"
Jane realizing now Maura has been with more than one woman .
"Pffft yeah she has." Jane catches herself and tries to recover. " I mean yeah I think she has been with a woman ."
"Oh good that should make it a little easier for you Jane. Now you only have to worry about your own feelings that your going through."
Jane is getting aggravated with Maura treating her like a child.
" It's not like I'm a virgin Maura . God I know what sex is like."
Maura nods "Yeah but you don't know what it's like with a woman."
"Really? Is it really that much different? I don't think so Maura c'mon really?"
Maura raises one eyebrow and grins at Jane . "Yes Jane it really is that different."
Jane raises both eyebrows in surprise and laughs "Really Maura it's that different huh, how ? No , no never mind I want to find out for myself."
Maura laughs nodding her head at Jane. "Okay Jane give me your list , is it a long list? Never mind just tell me her name and I'll try and wrap it all up as a present for your birthday."
Jane chuckles "Is it a long list? No Maura it's not that long. I just want us both to go into it with our eyes wide open you know what I mean?"
Maura pats her on her thigh "Yes I do. It's just very unlike you is all. I mean you're usually the type that just goes head first into new things without thinking them through."
Jane shakes her head and jokes "Yeah I know. But that was the young me. The old me is going to be more cautious . Isn't that what old people are supposed to do?"
"Oh c'mon Jane you're still young."
"I am until tomorrow then I'm going to be old."
They both laugh and Jane picks up her list of things for her one night. Jane reads over her list .
"Well basically Maura I only want her to know two things. I'll tell you that then I'll tell you the list of how I intend to do those two things okay?"
Maura slyly smiles sideways at Jane "Well if it's anything like what you were telling me at the Dirty Robber that one night the woman isn't going to turn your offer down."
Jane blushes just imagining what she could've told her that night.
"Oh I don't know about that. But listen the two things are. One I want to tell her how much I love her. Then two I ah want to...ah...well then I want to show her how much I love her." Jane shyly turns away knowing her face is blushing bright red.
Maura takes the list out of Jane's hands and folds it in two.
"Okay then Jane all I need is her name now."
Maura opens up the list and begins to read it waiting for Jane to give her a name. Jane struggles with telling her it's her as she watches Maura read her list.
Maura's smile faded away as she read number three on the list. It read #3 – Tell her we can go back being best friends after tonight. Promise her you can act like it never happened and just go back to being best friends again. Make sure she really understands you're serious about this. Then she starts reading #4 . Which read – Make sure she knows you'll always love her no matter what happens that night. And that you will never mention anything or hold anything against her about that night . Not ever if she doesn't want her to. Maura was getting upset so she stops reading and asks Jane .
"How many best friends do you have Jane? I thought I was your only best friend?"
Jane gathers her courage together and answers Maura with all seriousness.
"You are my only best friend Maura."
Confused Maura rereads the list then looks at Jane.
"But it says on here that ..." Then it finally dawns on her. "You mean...Jane do you mean this is about...Oh Jane I...really? Because if you're joking , this is not funny Jane. So please tell me you aren't joking around?"
Jane tilts her head thinking about all the times she had joked around with her. She was feeling guilty for making Maura doubt her now. When she was being the very most serious about this than anything she had ever been in her life about anything. Maura looked at her with pleading eyes and waited for her to answer her.
Jane slowly nodded her head. "I'm not joking Maura. I've never been more serious in my life." Jane takes a deep deep breath in and lets it out.
"It's you Maura. It's always been you. I love you Maura. And if you give me one night I'll prove it to you. If you will let me. But first I'd like you to read everything on the list . And I hope everything on it sounds alright with you...So um after you get done reading the list. Tell me what you think and if you still want to you can give me the birthday present I wanted."
Maura looks stunned at Jane. She starts reading the list.
Jane stands up "Um I'm going to go outside and sit on the stoop I'll let you finish reading and deciding what you want to do. When you're ready come find me and let me know okay?"
Maura still dazed nods as she watches Jane walk out the door. Maura grabs the whiskey bottle and takes another big drink. She then sits back on the couch and starts reading the list. Maura sits reading the list top to bottom with a huge dimple filled smile on her face .