I put on my running shoes with every intention of taking a nice jog through the park. But my feet seemed to have their own idea, and in a few minutes, I found myself in front of Tim's house. (Okay, maybe I knew where they were headed…)
When I went up his flagstone path and got to the #33 sign, any thoughts of turning around quickly flew out of my head as I could still taste him on my lips from the night before. He'd bared his soul and everything else to me after climbing in my window. He said he couldn't stop thinking about me as he panted with pure desire, like a leopard stalking prey… a leopard with nice guns.
So I knocked, and heard 'yeah' barked from inside. I let myself in. I couldn't see his face as his head was turned, hidden by the curtain of his hair, clean and wet. After a glance and a grin, he pulled out the stool next to him with his ridiculously muscled bronze arm. He offered me a bite of eggs, and while he was cutting them, I soaked in just how gorgeous he really was.
As he watched me chew, this look crossed his face that I'd never seen on him – a caring, nurturing look, like he was taking care of someone else for the first time, feeding me something I needed. And he looked content.
I'd just made some eggs when I heard a knock…
Garrity.
I knew when I saw her adorable smile filled with guilt and desire that I had her in the palm of my hand, for the first time ever. I'd melted some frozen part of her the night before, when I'd climbed the trellis to her room and waited for her like some stalker, confessing my feelings. It wasn't exactly planned, but it was the only thing I could do at that moment – do or die.
The other night, when she stopped to give me a lift after that nightmare practice in the rain when Coach was riding my ass, we'd come together because of Jason's accident. No one could understand our shared loss. And hell, I don't really know how to express myself except in physical ways. We were both basket cases. So stuff just happened. She was beating on me, and then there we were locking lips on highway 9 in the pouring rain. Didn't make any sense, not that either of us was thinking. Then again it made perfect sense.
Anyway, on that night in her room, she resisted me at first. She had laundry in her arms that I shoved aside. But once she gave in to me, she gave me everything she had, and vice versa. Two lost souls finding solace with the only other person who might even begin to understand. We sure as hell both knew it was wrong, but it was a force way more powerful than either of us. Or a twisted display of self-destruction, which I am prone to on occasion. Of course no one could or should understand that. Especially our best friend, who we were both screwing, so to speak.
The next morning, when she stopped by on her run, I gave her a bite of my breakfast. I could feel her eyes all over me, filled with a kind of longing and lust that I've gotten from rally girls, but never Garrity. Then she asked if Billy was home, which he wasn't. And she gave me that wicked smile again, even wider, and with no guilt this time, only desire.
Billy wasn't home. I knew, because I came right out and asked Tim. I've never been so forceful with a guy – well, with Jason anyway, my only real experience. But Tim is so different. It's like he has a million physical receptors that instantly read my mood, my desires, my lies, my truths, even before I realize them myself. There wasn't any point in formalities -- he could sense what I wanted.
I wanted him.
When he leaned in to kiss me, he was so hungry for it that he practically devoured me. We both wanted to share as much of ourselves as possible, uniting bodies to catch up with our souls, already together.
Garrity always pretended to be prissy, and tried to fit this mold that everyone around her helped make. Perfect girl – cheerleader, loyal girlfriend to QB1, homecoming queen. But I knew better. There's a whole other side to her to balance that out – a wild streak. She's a red blooded girl, and maybe all that posturing and propriety make that side even more extreme.
I'd known it for years, in part because of what Jay'd told me about her from when they were together in private, and just being with her a lot. And I can just read people – I have a good BS meter and a generous sense of mistrust. And cause I don't talk much, it gives other people more time to talk, to reveal stuff.
Also, as much of a screw-up as people think I am (and they're right, sometimes), I do have a decent side that balances it out. I just don't make much of it, or I try to downplay it – I guess I kinda like being the bad boy. Weeds out the losers; saves me time. But I am more balanced than folks think, just like Garrity's both prim and wild. I mean, I am basically raising myself, and I'm one of the best players in the state, despite all my flaws and my crappy family. We're like two sides to a coin.
So when that animal side of hers came out, I kind of knew where to take it. Yeah, my vast experience with girls certainly helped there. But Garrity's different. She's like this creature that's been jailed in a cage. And when I opened that door, out came the beast, no holds barred. At that point, we had nothing to hide from one another, and everything to share. And share we did… when we were united, I felt like I was seeing her soul, and she saw mine, dumb as that sounds.
Sure I regret that she's Jay's girl. Between that and not being there to block for him that night he was injured, I'd understand if he never forgave me. I may never forgive myself. But Lyla and me were gonna happen sooner or later, and with all the crap that came down with Jay's accident, it was like a catalyst that just pushed us to an inevitable ending.
She and Jay'd been going through the motions for a while. There were such big expectations for the two of them. I was always in the background, the third wheel. But no one knows either of them better than me, their strengths, weaknesses, what they truly wanted. Much as I love Jay, I knew there was one side of Lyla that he was not seeing, that she was keeping from him. Or if he saw it, it was just the surface, since she always behaved a certain proper way around him. I am the only guy who knows the combination to that treasure chest.
So I kissed her and made love to her for all I was worth, like there was no tomorrow, because maybe there wasn't. The memory of every girl I'd ever been with went by the wayside. It was like it was the most urgent thing in the world, me giving her the most love, the most passion I could muster to help save her soul in some way, give her validation. Give myself validation… be useful for once, and in the best way I know how. Right then, it was the only way I knew how.
Since I'd ever known Tim, he'd made a sport of girls and sex, but it was never love. But he sure looovvved football. Anyway, both were physical outlets for a nonverbal guy. But that night in the rain, and then when we were at the hospital when he lost it at Jason's bedside, I saw sides of him I'd suspected were there, but had never really seen firsthand. A lost, damaged boy in a hunky man's body.
So that morning at his house, I was literally swept away by his lust and fervor. Okay, I was the one who instigated it, and I sure was in the mood. Was it the thought that Jason was probably a quadraplegic for life, that he might never walk or have kids? Maybe that drove me and Tim together, the urgency of keeping life going. An unstated thought that was so fundamental, that we shared without talking. (Then again, almost everything shared with Tim doesn't involve talking. Even though sometimes he tries, and I stop him, perhaps unfairly. It's just not what I want from him.) Or maybe I just wanted to heal him in some way, on his terms.
Of course it was wrong, but I discovered there's something about Tim for me that's like kryptonite to Superman. I just get into a certain situation with him, and then everything unfolds. So as soon as he touched me, I broke down. He was strong and comforting, and hot in more ways and degrees than I could imagine, and he knew all the pain I'd been in. And even though being with him was fantastic physically, it was the psychological euphoria that really caught me off guard, like shackles had been removed. I felt happiness beyond what I'd ever expected. I felt like myself.
Garrity's been acting strange ever since that morning. We've been together many times, but it's never been the same. She's giving herself over physically, but mentally… she's holding back now, like she's afraid that if she shows that side again, she'll have sold her soul for good to old Lucifer Riggins. And the perfect Lyla Garrity will suddenly become the female equivalent of Riggs, god forbid. Which, in all honesty, knowing Garrity inside out, could definitely happen. So I guess I don't blame her, but god, I miss seeing her complete like that.
So we have mind-blowing sex, I try to talk to her, and she gets mad at me.
What else can I do?
Being with Tim's an addiction. Physically, he's completely satisfying, even more than that, way more than I ever thought possible. But I know I've gotta end it, or I may never go back… go back to Jason and being a decent person with some shred of respectability. It's almost too late, but I can't bear the thought of not being with Tim anymore. So we make amazing love, and I get angry at him because I hate myself for having fallen for him, and for not letting him show me his whole person, because I'm afraid I'd completely lose myself to him. Not fair to him at all. Not to mention Jason.
But what else can I do?