Enjolras: Now tell me again why we're not at Café Musain?
Combeferre: Simple, they're um…
Courfeyrac: Redecorating!
Enjolras: Redecorating? That doesn't seem very likely, not to mention the fact that-
Courfeyrac: Just be quiet and enjoy the walk
Enjolras: And I don't understand why we're walking outside
Combeferre: Come on Enjolras, just enjoy the night air.
Javert: (In the distance) There, out in the darkness, a fugitive running…
Enjolras: What is that?
Courfeyrac: A wild animal of some sort probably. Come on, just see the city around you.
Jehan: I don't like it outside in the dark.
Feuilly: Why don't you write a poem about it?
Jehan: Okay! Ahem. Let's see, hmmm…
Grantaire: While he's doing that…
Enjolras: Where are we going?
Courfeyrac: We're just walking. Calm down, it's better than writing a paper for Blondeau
Enjolras: I guess so…
Jehan: Let's see, what
rhymes with stars? Bars…oh, mars!
Um, In the sky fiery stars
Blazing burning
Just beyond flaming mars
Twisting turning-
The Women of Paris Turning, turning, turning through the years-
Enjolras: Who in the blazes are you?
The Women of Paris We are the women of Paris! We are singing about the sacrifice you made!
Enjolras: The sacrifice? What sacrifice?
The Women of Paris Oh, are we here early? Darn it! Um, no sacrifice, nothing, just go back to your little barricade…
Courfeyrac: Well, that was disturbing…
Enjolras: Yes…
Patron-Minette suddenly come out of a dark alley, absorbed in their conversation.
Thenardier: …And then we beat her over the head like this ::demonstrates::
Glorieux: But what if she starts screaming or something?
Thenardier: Then you tell your mother to shut up!
Glorieux: Got it. (See, they're really, really mean!)
Jehan: Perhaps we should go a different way?
Bahorel: Why?
Combeferre: The fastest way between two points is a straight line, and that is the way we are going.
Jehan: But-
Babet: Now what do we have here?
Enjolras: Nothing, we're just passing through
Gueulemer: Oh, look at this one, he's so little
Jehan: (under his breath) It's not my fault that you're fat
Gueulemer: What was that?
Jehan: Nothing
Babet: So where are you fine young men going?
Enjolras: Nowhere. And we have to get there now, so excuse us.
Gueulemer: Oh yes, run away.
Enjolras: We're not running, just walking away
Jehan: I wouldn't mind running.
Thenardier: Oh, the boys are afraid.
Bahorel: We aren't afraid
Combeferre: Just in a hurry
Montparnasse: You didn't seem in such a hurry a few moments ago
Enjolras: We just realized that we had lost track of the hour
Thenardier: Oh, yeah, they lost track of the hour
Gueulemer: Students are such women
Bahorel: ::punching his fist:: That's it, now you have insulted our honor
Enjolras: I guess there is only one thing to do
Two minutes later
Enjolras: Ha, scissors, that cuts paper!
Thenardier: Best two out of three!
Enjolras: Fine.
Thenardier: Darn it!
Enjolras: Ok, paper covers rock, we win. So we pick the game
Montparnasse: But we wanted to pick the game
Gueulemer: Actually, I'm a little glad that we lost. I'm not really up to a tango competition today.
Babet: But we would have won!
Enjolras: We doubt that, we are very talented dancers. Anyway, we have decided to play a series of games and the winner is the one with the most games won.
Thenardier: Fine, what's first?
Enjolras: A game of true skill and danger
Two minutes later…
Enjolras: Are we ready?
Gueulemer: No, I don't trust them!
Enjolras: That's too bad.
Gueulemer: You guys had better be careful
Babet: We will be
Enjolras: Everyone have your blades?
Thenardier: Yeah, yeah.
Enjolras: Then on my count. One, Two, Three!
Jehan proceeds to begin cutting Combeferre's hair
while Babet tries to do the same to Gueulemer.
Enjolras: It was hard enough to convince Combeferre to do this with Jehan cutting the hair. I don't think he'd let you anywhere near him with scissors.
Grantaire: At least I would have done it with some panache
Enjolras: Panache is the last thing Combeferre needs.
Courfeyrac: Jehan's actually quite good at that.
Enjolras: Is that a surprise? One minute left!
Babet: Damn, this is harder than I thought!
Gueulemer: Ah, careful with that blade! Oh, my ear!
Feuilly: He's just like Van Gogh.
Gueulemer: I'm not going anywhere.
Feuilly: No, Van Gogh he was an artist, oh, never mind.
Gueulemer: Ow!
Enjolras: Time!
Thenardier: Okay, how do we judge this?
Enjolras: We'll pick someone random off the street and they'll judge
Thenardier: I'll choose ::picks someone who looks suspiciously like Mme Thenardier.::
Glorieux: Hey, isn't that your wife Thenardi-
Thenardier: Shut up! So, random person off the street, whose haircut do you think is better?
Enjolras: Do you really think we are that stupid? This time pick a really random person!
Thenardier: Fine, fine! You sir, which haircut do you think is better?
Random Person: ::pointing to Combeferre's perfectly coiffed head:: Definitely that one!
Thenardier: Little you know, little you see!!!
Random Person: Okay…I'll just be going now…
Gueulemer: Damn it, I let you butcher my head for nothing.
Babet: Well, if your hair wasn't so ugly to begin with
Gueulemer: Shut up!
Enjolras: Okay, next game!
Thenardier: What now? Hopscotch?
Enjolras: Better: Hula-Hoop contest!
Claquesous: (sarcastic) Oh that sounds like fun.
Two minutes later…
Courfeyrac: ::hula-hooping with ease:: I could do this all day.
Babet: ::hula-hooping with difficulty:: I don't see why I have to do this
Thenardier: Because we all have too much dignity
Gueulemer: And I couldn't fit in the hula-hoop
Enjolras: First Hula-hoop that falls to the floor loses.
Ten minutes later
Babet: I don't think I can last much longer
Montparnasse: You have to!
Babet: But my hips were not meant for such strenuous activity
Courfeyrac: Mine were. If you can't take the heat…
Babet: Fine, I give up! ::his hula-hoop falls to the floor::
Patron Minette: No!
Amis: Yay!
Enjolras: Two-nothing, you guys aren't tough as we thought.
Gueulemer: Maybe if we did something manly…
Enjolras: Fine, Arm wrestling is next
Jehan and Gueulemer are set up at a table
Gueulemer: I can't believe they sent the little one to try and defeat me.
Glorieux: They knew that they couldn't win so they decided not to even try
Courfeyrac: We'll see…
Jehan: Ready.
Enjolras: Are you ready Gueulemer?
Gueulemer: As if I could not be ready for this little wimp.
Enjolras: Then on my count. One, Two, Three!
Jehan and Gueulemer begin to arm wrestle. Just as it
seems Gueulemer has won Jehan suddenly, easily, defeats him.
Gueulemer: How is that possible?!
Jehan: Hey, you can't act as quote 'wimpy' as I do and not be able to defend yourself. I've been taking self-defense classes for years. Crouching tiger, hidden dragon!!!
Gueulemer: This is ludicrous, impossible! Look at him! I can't believe this is, I am disgraced.
Enjolras: You should be, we have won three contests and you have zero.
Combeferre: Next game: Bakeoff!
Two oven/kitchenettes magically appear full of ingredients.
Babet: Okay, that's just scary!
Courfeyrac: ::wiggling his fingers:: WOoOoOoOoOo, magic!!!
Babet: Yeah…
Enjolras: Anyone here ever seen Iron Chef?
Gueulemer: Never miss it! I mean, um, yeah, sure, I've seen it a few times.
Enjolras: That's what you are to do. The only restrictions are that it must be a dessert of some kind.
Claquesous: Why aren't you putting on an apron, boy?
Enjolras: I will not be participating in this game because it wouldn't be fair
Combeferre: Don't you know? Enjolras is a nationally renowned cook! More famous than any of those buffoons on TV. (Since this is said kind of French, 'buffoon' sounds like a really bad insult.) His duck a l'orange is to die for!
Claquesous: I see
Well, exactly one hour later a little timer rings.
Little timer: Ding!
Okay, dings.
Enjolras: Everyone stop your cooking!
Patron-Minette displays a very nice cake
Enjolras: So what is it?
Thenardier: A chocolate cake
Enjolras: Our judge will be an impoverished gamin. Feed them for an hour…
Gavroche: ::bounding in:: So, where's the cake?
Thenardier: Here boy, and remember, (in best Darth Vader voice) Gav, I am your father
Gavroche: ::tasting cake:: Hey, not bad, not bad! Actually, this I pretty darn good! It will be hard to beat this!
Enjolras: Okay boys, what did you make?
Courfeyrac: ::revealing something that looks as if it should be on the cover of a magazine:: ::taking a deep breath::White chocolate-raspberry crème-brulee tartlets with chocolate mousse and raspberry sorbet with cocoa powder sprinkled on the top!
Enjolras: Is that all?
Combeferre: Well, we had limited time and ingredients.
Enjolras: I see. So, Gavroche, how do you like it?
Gavroche: ::Stuffing his face:: This is the best thing I have ever tasted!
Enjolras: Better than the chocolate cake?
Gavroche: Definitely!
Enjolras: It seems, gentlemen that we have won again.
Thenardier: This isn't fair!!!
Enjolras: It's quite fair gentlemen. The next contest will be-
Grantaire: Dressmaking!
Enjolras: No, not dressmaking!
Grantaire: I want to make a dress!!!
Enjolras: That's great Grantaire, but we are not going to have a contest in which we are forced to make a dress!!!
Grantaire: Yes we are!
Enjolras: No we're not!
Grantaire: It's too late, we already started.
Enjolras: ::looking around incredulously as he realizes that the Amis and Patron-Minette are already making dresses:: Well, I will have no part in it.
Grantaire: You can model it, you're the one that looks most like a girl.
Enjolras: Grantaire, you're pushing it.
Grantaire: It's true.
Courfeyrac: Ah, leave him alone, no matter what you think the girls still like him better than you.
Grantaire: Oh, they're just blinded by his beauty. I'm a much better everything!
Combeferre: Sure you are Grantaire.
Grantaire: Oh, don't patronize me!
Javert: ::rushing in:: Have any of you rebels seen an old man with white hair and a branded number on his chest? Answers to the name Valjean, Ultime Fauchelevant, Monsieur Madeleine?
Enjolras: Sorry Msr., but we haven't
Javert: How about my little lost kitty, have you seen her? She's a cute little tabby and she answers to the name Fluffernutter.
Enjolras: Um, sorry, no.
Javert: Darn! ::rushes out::
Grantaire: O…K…
Combeferre: My sentiments exactly.
Enjolras: I can't believe my friends, revolutionaries, are making dresses!
Thenardier: Ow, darn it Gueulemer, you pricked my finger!!!
Gueulemer: Sorry, this needle is so small and me, being an 'unsung Hercules', has trouble containing himself.
Babet: I wish Hugo had never said that, you love to put that 'unsung Hercules' bit into every conversation!
Gueulemer: He wouldn't write it if it weren't true!
Babet: Pompous little-
Enjolras: Boys please!!!
Babet: Boys? We're older than you tot!
Enjolras: Tot? Is that argot for something?
Babet: It's just a reference to your youth!
Enjolras: Um, okay.
Babet: Nevermind!
Enjolras: I guess times up. I can't believe we just made dresses.
Courfeyrac: Hey, I'm proud of ours!
Enjolras: Well, I think it only fair to have women judge this one. Sorry gamin.
Gavroche: Don't worry, I'll live.
Grantaire: Bring on the women. 'Big women, small women, short women, tall women, I guess that means almost all women, I'm a player long as they are women!!!'
Enjolras: You've been listening to too much 'Jekyll and Hyde'.
Grantaire: There's no such thing as too much 'Jekyll and Hyde'.
Enjolras: Perhaps you're right on that.
Eponine: So why are we here again?
Fantine: I think they said something about a dressmaking contest.
Azelma: Father, make a dress, ha! That's a good one!
Mme. Thenardier: I have to see this!!!
Eponine: Me too!
Thenardier: You shut your mouth
Babet: Give me your hand. What have we here, who is this hussy?
Thenardier: That's my daughter, isn't she pretty? She's an honor student at P.S. 32
Claquesous: What?
Thenardier: Nothing.
Enjolras: So, dear ladies, which dress is better?
Eponine, Fantine, Azelma, and Mme. Thenardier go over at
first to look at the dress made by Patron-Minette.
Thenardier: Hey, it worked for Scarlett O'Hara!
Eponine: Sorry dad, you're just not as talented.
Thenardier: Lousy-
Eponine: This dress on the other hand ::walking to the dress made by the Amis:: is the work of talented craftsmen. The stitching is so delicate and the style itself is reminiscent of the Renaissance. The beadwork is noteworthy and the embroidery is extraordinary.
Thenardier: Huh?
Eponine: This dress is prettier, it wins!
Enjolras: Do the rest of you agree with her assessment?
Fantine: Definitely
Mme. Thenardier: Quite so!
Cosette: Do you make wedding dresses? Can I have your card?
Azelma: Beautiful!
Enjolras: Ah, let's see, the score is five for us and zero for you
Thenardier: You have to let us pick at least one contest, please, we can't go away disgraced!
Enjolras: Fine, fine, we are reasonable men.
Thenardier: Good. We choose, um, Grecco-roman wrestling!
Gueulemer: Ah, my time to shine!
Enjolras: Wrestling? If we must…
Gueulemer and Enjolras are in a ring of some sort. Both, of course, are shirtless
Eponine: Eww, Gueulemer, put your shirt back on, you're so gross!
Montparnasse: You would much rather it was me, right?
Eponine: ::eyeing Enjolras appreciatively:: Actually, I'm good with the rebel leader. Though I do wish Marius were here… ::sigh::
Montparnasse: Oh, you want me, admit it.
Eponine: Yeah, whatever Parnasse.
Enjolras: Can we get this over with?
Gueulemer: ::motioning to Enjolras:: This one looks like a girl
Jehan: (from behind him) Boo!
Gueulemer: (scared) Ah!
Jehan: Maybe you shouldn't judge by outward appearance.
Gueulemer: If you say so, little man.
Jehan: Crouching tiger, hidden dragon, hiyah!
Courfeyrac: In this corner, weighing…um,… a whole lot, the unsung Hercules, Gueulemer!
Patron Minette: Yay!
Amis: Boo!
Patron Minette: We said YAY!
Amis: And we said BOO!
Patron Minette: That's not very nice.
Amis: You're right, we're sorry
Patron Minette: That's more like it. YAY!
Courfeyrac: And in this corner, weighing much less, the handsome hunk revolutionary leader Enjolras!
Enjolras: Handsome hunk? I don't think I approved of that
Courfeyrac: Too late now isn't it?
Enjolras: I guess it is.
Grantaire: Why does Enjolras always end up shirtless in these stories?
Combeferre: I don't know, the writer must have a thing for him.
Grantaire: Don't they all?
Courfeyrac: On my count.
Well, of course, Enjolras wins. Don't ask how, he's Enjolras, he can do anything, even wrestle Gueulemer down. I know it seems unlikely, just trust me, that's what happens. No, I can't give you any proof, you just have to take my word that he wins. Are you calling me a liar? That's it, do you want to take this outside? Fine, bring it on!
Gueulemer: Now that is impossible
Enjolras: Did you actually think you could beat me? I mean, physically it is entirely possible, but I'm the good guy, and the good guy always wins.
The Women of Paris: Well, not always
Enjolras: Ah! Please stop doing that!
The Women of Paris Sorry.
Thenardier: So, since we're the bad guys, we can never win?
Enjolras: That's pretty much the idea.
Thenardier: Damn it!
Enjolras: That's why we're good guys.
Thenardier: Actually, that makes sense. So, how does one 'be good'?
Enjolras: Well, no murder
Thenardier: Damn
Enjolras: And no extortion
Thenardier: Damn
Enjolras: And no stealing, coveting, lying, cheating
Thenardier: Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn
Enjolras: And of course you have to sell Girl Scout cookies and go visit elderly people in the hospital
Thenardier: And Damn
Enjolras: You do get cool clothes though
Thenardier: That's not bad
Enjolras: But you have to burst into song spontaneously
Combeferre: Red, the blood of angry men! Black-
Enjolras: Not now!
Combeferre: Sorry
Thenardier: Bursting into song spontaneously? I don't know if-
Mme. Thenardier: Master of the house, isn't worth me spit, comforter, philosopher and lifelong sh-
Thenardier: Not now!
Mme. Thenardier: SoOoOoOrry, man, I so want a divorce about now.
Thenardier: Fine by me!
Mme. Thenardier: Then I'm taking the children
Thenardier: Please do
Eponine: We love you too daddy
Mme. Thenardier: It's so hard not to
Thenardier: Hey, I'm turning good, and since you guys are all still bad I can't associate with you anymore.
Eponine: Oh, man dad, that is really a shame, I don't know how we'll get on without you…::giving Azelma a high five::
Enjolras: You know, you could all be good guys.
Eponine: Even me?
Enjolras: Yes, you can be good Eponine.
Azelma: Even me?
Enjolras: Yes, you too Azelma.
Mme. Thenardier: Even me?
Enjolras: Um, well, I guess so, sure, why not…
Grantaire: I think we've wasted enough time here, on to our original destination!
Enjolras: Which would be…?
Combeferre: Oh, you'll see.
Enjolras: Perhaps our newfound friends would like to come with us?
Eponine: Oh, yes, definitely Enjy!
So they proceed to their destination, a bar called
something or other. But the second that Enjolras walks in-
Combeferre: Happy Birthday!
Gavroche: Are you surprised? Are you? Huh? Huh? Are you?
Enjolras: Why, I'm absolutely shocked!!!
Grantaire: Present time!!! ::handing Enjolras a box:: This one's from me!
Enjolras: Oh, Grantaire you shouldn't have! ::seeing that the box seems to be leaking he tastes some of the liquid coming out:: Let me guess, brandy?
Grantaire: Nope
Enjolras: Absinthe?
Grantaire: Nope
Enjolras: Vodka?
Grantaire: Nope
Enjolras: Then I have no idea! What is it?
Grantaire: A puppy!!!
Oh, I'm sooooooo sorry for using that joke, I really, really am!!!
Thenardier: Even though we had no idea that we were going to meet/compete/and become good, we miraculously have a present of our own!
Enjolras: ::opening box:: A red vest!
Combeferre: Here, open mine
Enjolras: ::opening box:: A blue vest!
Jean Prouvaire: Here's mine
Enjolras: ::opening box:: A green vest!
By the time that Enjolras has opened all his presents he
has vests in all different colors, including all the shades of red such as
burgundy, wine, maroon, etc. (plus a puppy)
Combeferre: (leading with his sweet singing voice) For he is a jolly good fellow
All: For he is a jolly good fellow. For he is a jolly good fellow, That nobody can deny!
Grantaire: (apparently having sung the wrong song) -You look like a monkey and you smell like one too!
Enjolras: I think I'm going to cry…
Grantaire: Cake time!
Enjolras: Oh, red and black icing, you guys are the best!
Enjolras tries desperately to blow out the candles but,
since they are trick candles (courtesy of Grantaire) he fails. Eventually the
candles burn down and the cake lights on fire (scenario based on actual events).
Marius: ::rushing in late:: Wait, here I am to save the day! ::he goes to the cake and empties the water out of his ears, thereby putting the fire out::
Cosette: (who has magically appeared) Marius, my hero!!!
Gavroche: Ewww, ear water!!!
Enjolras: How about we have ice cream instead of cake?
Grantaire: Strawberry and blackberry at your service!
Joly: I'm allergic to strawberries!
Valjean: ::coming in with all the thousands of characters from the book that were not initially in this story:: Hey, can we join the party?
So in the end they all have a big dance contest in which
Enjolras, true to his word, beats Gueulemer. Enjolras has lots of pretty new
vests and the Women of Paris only make a few more ominous statements. Grantaire
gets very drunk and tries to pry a beer out of Enjolras with the whole 'I love
you man' trick (but Enjolras, of course, is not fooled.) Eventually some
happy-dancing girls come in and the party gets really out of hand and Javert
comes and tries to break it up but everyone somehow manages to get him drunk and
he starts doing the Egyptian on the bar. Then aliens come and take Enjolras (the
perfect human specimen) up in their spaceship and cavemen unfreeze and start
worshiping Thenardier. Gavroche becomes master of the animals and overruns
the city with his furry army. He has a big war with the Furby army but
eventually wins with the help of the aliens and their new king Enjolras. Javert
continues to obliviously do the Egyptian while Valjean takes pictures to send to
the prefect and Grantaire tries to catch his own tail.
Of course, by the next morning everyone (but Enjolras)
has a hangover and believes the whole the thing to be a weird dream (until
Valjean finds the pictures he took of Javert, the dogs drag Gavroche to their
underground lair and the aliens bring Eponine to be Enjolras's alien queen)
Gavroche: What was that?
Enjolras: What happened to the story? Has she been drinking?
Grantaire: No, I've drunk before and that is not the product of drinking
Courfeyrac: She's just a warped individual is all
Thenardier: Wasn't this story supposed to be of us meeting all of you?
Combeferre: Supposed to be
Glorieux: We were only in about half of this story!
Gueulemer: And the rest of it stunk like an infant's britches!
Jehan: I agree that the story stunk, but you're going to hurt the writer's feelings if you continue on with this!
Courfeyrac: Oh, she's allowed to make us into total idiots but we can't tell her how much she stinks? That isn't fair
Eventually the fanfic writer gets angry (wouldn't you?) and decides to finish the story according to the contest guidelines.
Enjolras: Hello, my name is Enjolras and these are my Amis. We are going to build a barricade and die
Marius: Except for me!
Enjolras: Except for Marius. We hang out at the Café Musain and our turn offs include royalists, the National Guard and bullets through our hearts.
Thenardier: Hello, my name is Thenardier. This my band of soaks, my den of dissolutes. We rob from everyone and give to ourselves. We're not above murder and our turn offs include police, being in prison, and puppies.
Jehan: Puppies? How can you hate puppies? They are so cute and cuddly and adorable and they have such little mushy faces. Like Patria (Enjolras's gift from Grantaire) over here, look at that little mush-mush face! Mush-mush face!!!
Gueulemer: We still hate puppies!
Combeferre: Here just hold her!
Thenardier: I don't want to, ahhhhh!!! ::Patria has taken this opportunity to relieve herself on him:: Stupid animal!
Jehan: Oh, I'm sorry, did the puppy not peepee in the potty?
Thenardier: Argh
Enjolras: I think this concludes our meeting.
Thenardier: Wait, the story should end with a bang!
Grantaire: Like this? Bang.
The End
Thenardier: No, not like that, how about this? Happy New Year 1831!!!
Enjolras: I don't think so
And that my friends is what happens when you write the second half of a story nearly a month after the first part
Gavroche: No, I'm pretty sure all of your writing is this bad
Gamin, I'm warning you
Gavroche: Oh, I'm so scared
Wait, are you part of Patron-Minette?
Gavroche: Sure I am!
Then meet Patria, one of the Amis de l'ABC
Gavroche: ::taking the dogs paw:: Pleased to meet ya, Patria!
Patria: Arf!
There, now all of Patron-Minette has met the Amis
Fini
Thenardier: Finally! Bloody girl with her stupid story ::sound of water running:: Ah, the dog's relieving itself on me again!!!