A/N: Hey, hi, hello there. Man it has been a long time since I've written anything. And of course when I do come back with a story it is uber depressing and sad and stuff. But honestly my mood right now is uber depressing and sad and stuff. And listening to Asleep by The Smiths is not helping me. So that song is the muse of this story. This does contain triggers, so read at your own risk. It has not been beta'd so all mistakes are my own. Or spell checks. Hope you enjoy. Leave a comment if ya like. Love Peace and Chicken Grease!
D/C: I do not own Glee in any way shape or form. I also do not own the song Asleep. That masterpiece belongs to The Smiths and the God known as Morrisey.
You know if you would have told me ten years, five years, hell even 10 minutes ago that I would be actually doing this, I'd slap you and tell you that you obviously don't know who I am.
Honestly though at this point… I don't know who I am. I mean I know who I am; I just don't know WHO I am. What is my purpose? Why am I alive? Why am I wasting space and oxygen on this pathetic planet? Earth and I have that in common… we are pathetic. It is a pathetic excuse of a planet, and I am a pathetic excuse of a person. Hell, even Adolf Hitler did something with himself. What have I done? Not a damn fucking thing, that's what.
So this is me signing off. Singing myself to sleep. Saying goodbye for one final time. I've thought about how I'd do this multiple times recently. Cutting is too risky, I could actually survive. And I obviously don't want that to happen now so I? Plus…. Messy as all hell. And the scars it will leave on me? No thank you. Open casket for this decaying organic matter thank you.
So that also rules out shooting myself. I could end up in a vegetative state. I wonder if bullet holes heal even in a vegetative state… weird. I wouldn't know where to get a gun anyway. I couldn't use my dads, that just feels… dirty. I bet Puck would know where to get one. But then he'd start asking questions… and get others involved and I don't need or want that.
I could always try hanging myself or jumping to my death. But I don't think there is anywhere in the house high enough to snap my neck. Nor are there any buildings tall enough to make sure I die on impact. Once again, vegetative state is not what I'm wanting.
Honestly, I just want to sleep. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. I… I'm tired of living. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry for doing this to you guys. But I can't keep pretending. No more fake it until I make it. So don't try to wake me, because I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me, because deep in the cell of my heart, I will be so glad to go.
I love you dad. More than I can picture loving anyone else in the world. Don't be sad. I'm going to see mom again.
Carol, be strong for dad. I am sorry for being selfish and putting that burden on you. Please keep him safe for me. There is money in my top dresser drawer for the Vicodin. I'm sorry I took them, I just needed them.
Finn, stay safe, strong and brave. I love you. You're the best big brother a guy can ask for. I will make sure to tell your dad hi. Take care of everyone in glee club. They will ALWAYS need you.
Mercy, Rachel, and everyone else in glee; I love you guys so much. You will always be my best friends in the entire world. Stick together and always be there for eachother no matter what.
Goodbye and goodnight,
Kurt.
Kurt looked at the small pile of pills lying on his desk. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water before locking the front and back doors and then the door leading into his room. He sighed and sat down.
"Are you sure this is the best idea?" he asked to himself out loud. He quickly nodded to himself before grabbing the pills off his desk. He looked at them in his hand second guessing himself for a split second.
He didn't realize he was crying until a tear drop hit one of the pills. He wiped his face off with the back of his hand and took a deep breath trying to calm himself. He heard his I-home change songs and a soft piano started to play. Kurt closed his eyes as Morrisey's voice started to croon over the speakers.
"Over and out" Kurt mumbled as he popped all of the pills into his mouth. The bitter taste of the capsules was almost enough to make the boy spit them out and change his mind, but he just grabbed the water and took a deep drink washing the pills and bitterness down his throat.
The blue eyed boy sat there for a moment letting his stomach settle before standing up. He took one long look around his room one last time before grabbing his note and lying on his bed. He stared at the ceiling as Morrisey lulled him to sleep. Slowly the room started to spin and the edges of everything started to blur. Kurt started to cry softly singing along with the song.
"Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed…
There is a better world
There is another world
There must be.
Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye…"