THE SECOND COMING OF THE LAST SUPPER
"Jesus eat at Applebee's" - Mac Miller
It was seven o'clock at night in Topeka, Kansas. It was April, and the city was vibrant as hell for the time being, but things could not be more heavenly. Tonight, unbeknownst to every sister-screwing hick fuck within the two-hundred mile radius, God sent a reluctant Jesus and his Twelve Apostles in a torrent of blinding light-yellow light, to see how much people actually loved Jesus, since God was somewhat disappointed with the southern trajectory of Christianity (pun very much intended).
All thirteen people were teleported to just outside an Applebee's overrun with idiots.
"Huh? Where the fuck are we? What is this house of sin?" James questioned in his typically thunderous state.
"James, calm your man tits. We are in Topeka, Kansas, at a restaurant called 'Applebee's.'"
Jesus said.
Matthew chimed in wisely. "While I think that this establishment may be a house of sin, I am tempted to eat here. I'm hungry as balls. Let's hope there are no snakes here to tempt me to eat at this 'Applebees.'"
Jesus and all of the Apostles chuckled at Matthew's rather witty humor like an erudite lesbian English professor reacting to an Oscar Wilde play.
"That was beautiful. Can I kiss you?" Judas said.
Everyone rolled their eyes, "even after 2,000 years, that was too soon," Jesus said after a sigh.
"MAN FUCK DIS SHIT. LET'S HAVE SOME FINE ASS CUISINE BITCHEZ!" Simon the Zealot shouted.
"YEAH!" Everyone bellowed.
As Jesus walked through the door of the Applebee's, he exclaimed "table for thirteen, please!"
The waitress looked confused and started to laugh at the outfits of Jesus and his Apostles. "Right this way."
Jesus pursued the waitress, and was seated along with all but one Apostle. After doing a head count, and turning everyone's waters into wine, Jesus only saw eleven other people at his table. Jesus then proceeded to the door, walked outside, and saw Peter smoking a joint with a couple of obese hobos with halitosis, and tried to talk Peter out of doing drugs. "Peter, what did I say about doing drugs?"
Peter thought up a witty reply. "Nothing in the Bible, at least."
"Okay, but don't do them! Doing narcotics is an act of sin! Plus, everyone knows that when you get lung cancer and pray to God, God's just listening to the new Creed album while fondling his own spermy nutsack and ego."
The hobos looked at eachother. "What is this fucking faggot talking about? Marty, get this fagtard a joint. He even looks like a fucking stoner!"
Marty reached into his pocket full of American cheese and bunions, and found a month-old joint in his pocket, and handed it over to Jesus.
"I'm Tony, what are your names?" Tony said, extending his hand out for Jesus to shake.
Jesus reluctantly shook his hand and forced a smile. "I'm Jesus. Nice to meet you!"
Tony looked to Marty and then looked back at Jesus and said, "Ummmm….you're full of shit! Jesus has blue eyes, died a long fucking time ago, and doesn't have this big a nose!"
"You've never seen an actual picture of Jesus, now have you?" Peter exclaimed.
"You're this retarded? You, you faggot Jesus God Jew dude Christ, or whatever the fuck your name is, light up your fucking joint or I'll kick your cock off your groin!"
"Have mercy on me. Oh father, why have you forsaken me and forced me to do this shitty ass job?"
There was a rumble of thunder. Then, Marty forced a joint into Jesus' mouth, and lit it up, and even though Jesus initially put up a fight against the lighter he tasted the succulent weed and his eyes bulged. Then, he felt increasingly fatigued, and started to see pineapples and heard the sound of Big Brother and the Holding Company dance inside his eardrums.
"Jesus self-referential humor Christ! Who are those people with the 'God Hates Fags poster?"
"We are, you proud lecherous stoner Muslim whore! The lord, your God commands you to stop doing drugs. Shield the children's eyes!"
"Oh, shit." Jesus said.
TO BE CONTINUED