A sharp snap echoed through the room as Mello's teeth bit into the chocolate bar in his left hand. His other arm was strewn lazily over the back of the sofa he slouched upon, but even in this relaxed position, it was clear that he was someone of great importance. Two girls sat beside him, their hands gliding over his chest and shoulders. Behind him stood two bulky men, each carrying a handgun on their belts and their eyes covered by sunglasses.
Mello and I had been close since our shared childhood at Wammy's house when he had proclaimed that Matt and I were his best friends, but never had I felt so insignificant to him as now. He was head of the Mafia – feared by all who worked for him, and by those who didn't. He was the most powerful and dangerous person in the country, and yet he was still only a boy of eighteen. And what had I accomplished? – Subservience.
"A," Mello called suddenly. I stood to attention in my place by the far wall. He stared at me with a faint smirk. "I'm running out of chocolate. Go fetch me some," he finished with a smug satisfaction. Despite my distaste for his newfound attitude, I nodded and left the room quickly. In truth, I hated the person that Mello had become since he had usurped control of the mafia. He had changed for the worse, and I found myself repelled by him; I found myself wondering what had happened.
"A?" I met Matt in the corridor, glued to one of his Nintendo's. He had paused the game and was scrutinizing me with his cool blue eyes.
"Yes, Matt?" I enquired. Mello would not be pleased if I didn't hurry – I knew that he couldn't go without chocolate for more than an hour, and the closest store was a twenty minute drive away.
"Are you feeling okay? You look paler than usual."
I looked away, nervously fidgeting with the long sleeve of my black shirt to make sure that it hadn't ridden up. Matt's gaze flickered curiously from my hands to my eyes, and I could see that he was calculating something.
"I'm fine," I answered quickly, perhaps a little too quickly. Matt's disbelieving expression made me all the more anxious, but I figured that he would find out soon enough anyway. So I sighed and gave up, rolling the sleeve of my shirt up ever so slightly to reveal the patchwork of deep scars across my wrist.
Matt almost dropped his Nintendo, and the cigarette that was hanging lazily from his mouth fell to the floor. He grabbed my arm, drawing my wrist closer to his face so that he could examine my wounds.
"Fuck," he murmured, "When did this happen?"
I looked away again and mumbled that it had been going on for a long while now. Matt shook his head, struggling to come up with words to express his confusion, so I filled the silence instead.
"L knew – that's why he gave me the name 'A'. It's the legacy of all the A's that pass through Wammy's. We all die on our own accord as three have already done before me."
His next reaction was to ask if Mello had any notion, but I shook my head. He seemed even more perturbed by this, but I urged him not to tell. If Mello found out, there was no telling how he'd react, and I'd hate to become the next victim of his wrath.
"I was just going to get more chocolate. You want to come?" I asked casually, rolling down my sleeve again as if nothing had happened. Matt gaped at me, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. I smiled and grasped his hand. "There's nothing you can do; everybody dies at some point. It's just that in my case, I determine when."
"That's sick!" he finally managed to growl. "What right did L have to put the notion of suicide in your head?"
I shook my head; I had already come to terms with it, but Matt would need time. I didn't know how long he would need, or if he would ever fully comprehend and accept it, but I didn't mind. It was nice to know that he cared about me. That at least made one of us.
"Hush before someone hears you. Now let's go get that chocolate before Mello blows up at me. Can you drive me?" I tried to draw the subject away from me. Matt nodded absently, and we both hurried to the car.
We returned half an hour later – thanks to Matt's wild driving skills – with a whole stash of Mello's favorite chocolate. Matt had practically glued himself to me the entire afternoon, acting as a self-appointed bodyguard. I found it ironic that he had assigned himself to protect me against me.
"Is he still in the rec room?" Matt asked and I shrugged. There were only two places that Mello ever occupied within the building: the rec room or his bedroom.
"I guess so," I replied monotonously. I was sick of being treated like a dog by Mello, but there was nothing I could do against it. It wasn't beyond his new persona to execute me or exile me for rebelling against him, and frankly, I didn't want to lose Mello or my home. I had only ever had two homes – Wammy's House and here – and Mello and Matt had been at both of them.
We came to the rec room and Matt pushed the door open as I maneuvered through with the large box of chocolate. Yes, Mello was still there albeit less a bar of chocolate and almost completely alone. However, one of the girls that had been beside him, the one named Anastasia, had since moved to his lap, distracting his mouth from the lack of chocolate. My heart plummeted as I sat the box down on the ground by the door; I hated how Mello seemed closer to his whore of two weeks than me. Matt was the first to comment on Mello's indiscretion.
"Dude! Save it for your room. Man I don't need to see that!" he cried, shielding his own gaze with his hand, and eventually mine too. Mello growled and pushed the girl from his lap, ordering her to his room, and stalked over to where we stood.
"What took you so long?"
Matt opened his mouth, but I stepped forward and interrupted him before he could say anything about the conversation we had earlier in the corridor.
"I ran into Matt in the hallway and I convinced him to drive me, since he is the fastest driver here."
Matt glanced at me, his eyes burning with anticipation and desperation. I glared at him whilst the large trove of chocolate on the floor momentarily distracted Mello.
He needs to know, A, Matt mouthed to me, but I shook my head furiously.
"What do I need to know?" Mello's deep voice caught me off guard and I jumped. He stood and glanced angrily between the two of us. "What did you guys end up having sex or something?"
"What? No!" I all but shouted. Mello smirked and turned his attention to Matt.
"Then what is so important that you have to keep it from me?" he prodded. I was nervous, my heart was beating rapidly and I felt as if I would vomit.
"That's not for me to tell, but I think that Mello needs to know, A," Matt said slowly. "He's your best friend."
I scoffed incredulously, earning a confused and unpleasantly surprised look from Mello. "He's not my best friend. What kind of best friend treats their friends like dogs? No, he's just my boss," I spat furiously. "So no, I don't think Mello needs to know, Matt, and you'd do well to keep your nose out of my business!"
I was fuming now, and Mello seemed bewildered by my outburst. Matt only looked at me with pity as I tried to calm my anxiety and rapid breaths. My wrist was throbbing and I felt a compulsive need to dig something sharp into it. I clutched onto it and dug my fingernails into the material of my sleeve.
"Fuck! What crawled up your ass this morning?" Mello snickered. I turned and glared at him. He really had changed; the Mello I knew would be concerned right now, but this guy wasn't even fazed.
"Mello, don't," Matt warned, but it was too late. I couldn't control the urge – I needed it now. My breaths grew shallower as I searched around the room for any sort of sharp object. My fingernails slowly dragged over my sleeve. Matt seemed to catch onto my train of thought and he cussed desperately. "Get her out of here! Do something, just don't let her get her hands on anything sharp!"
Immediately, Mello was behind me, gripping my wrists in a vise hold as Matt rounded the room, picking up any sharp things he saw.
"What's going on?" Mello demanded, tightening his grasp as I struggled harder and harder. Matt growled in exasperation and glared pointedly at his friend.
"Check her wrists." Mello did so, to my utter horror. I bucked and twisted in protest as I felt my sleeves retract. "L named her 'A' for a reason, Mello."
"Oh hell," Mello whispered as he traced his fingers lightly over the scars. I caved in then, collapsing in a fit of bitter sobs. Mello lowered himself too and his arms wove around me to pull me back into him. "Oh God, I didn't know, I didn't know," he murmured repeatedly into my ear as he rocked us both back and forth. Matt deposited his stash of sharp objects by the door and sat by Mello, placing one hand on his shoulder.
Once I had calmed down considerably and my sobs had reduced to silent tears, Mello turned to Matt and gestured towards the door with his head.
"Go tell Anastasia that I won't be seeing her tonight. I'm going to take A with me. I'm going to keep an eye on her."
I barely heard anything he said; I was too distressed to care. All I comprehended was that Mello's arms were wrapped securely around me as he cradled me in his lap. This was the Mello I knew and loved – the one that cared more about the people around him than revenge on Near or becoming L's successor.
"A? A, listen to me," Mello crooned softly into my ear. I turned my head slightly so that he knew I was listening. "You're staying with me tonight, and every night after that until you're better."
I nodded, my mind as numb as my body. I felt Mello's arm slide beneath my knees and the ground shifted from underneath me. Soon, Mello was striding down the brightly lit corridors to his room, carrying me in front of him. To my relief, Matt had done his duty and Anastasia had vacated the room. Mello placed me on this soft double bed, kneeling down before me to untie my shoes. I watched as his nimble fingers unlaced the shoelaces and sent my shoes flying across the room. I smiled faintly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Mello asked abruptly. His voice was neither angry, nor calm, but broken. He stood and pushed me down onto the bed, grabbed hold of my feet and brought them around onto the mattress to.
"I don't know…I didn't intend to tell anyone, but Matt just kind of found out," I replied. Mello sighed and scrambled onto the bed beside me. I felt him snuggle up to my back, wrapping his arms around my waist so that I could lean back into him, just like we had done as children at Wammy's.
"Do you really think of me as your boss?" he mumbled after a brief moment of silence. I sighed and turned slightly so that I could see him, leaning my head back into the crook of his neck. He pressed his face into my hair and closed his eyes, awaiting my answer patiently.
"No…not when you're like this. I thought that you didn't want me as a friend anymore. I felt like Anastasia was more important to you than I was."
Mello sighed and pulled me closer, turning me so that once again, I was on my side and pressed up against him.
"Don't ever presume that I don't want you, because you are more important to me than this world," he declared with such an air of authority that he couldn't be telling me anything but the truth.
"What do I do when you turn back into that Mello?" I asked. I didn't want him to go back to that state ever again, but it couldn't be helped. He chuckled and kissed the crown of my head tenderly.
"I won't, but on the chance that I might, slap me."
I smiled, content to stay with Mello like this for the rest of my life, however short it might be. But I was determined to keep things this way until the day I decided to go. Sleeping that way, wrapped in Mello's arms and pressed against him, all of my troubles and thoughts were set aside. My fate was inevitable, but perhaps Mello provided short-term relief to being A.