Instability

By: Aviantei

A Kuroko no Basuke one shot

Tetsuya wakes up on a Thursday morning and stays in bed. He knows he has class in a few hours. He knows he should eat breakfast. He knows he already skipped class once yesterday and that there are assignments due tomorrow, a group project to be worked on, papers to be written, and basketball practice to attend to that afternoon. Normally that would be enough to push him out of the bed, but it doesn't, no matter the number of times his phone vibrates, surely texts from his friends, wondering why he's missing from breakfast.

Tetsuya knows he should answer them, but he doesn't. He just lies in bed in his dorm room, staring at the ceiling, staring at the walls, staring at nothing, really. He closes his eyes, but not for the sake of falling asleep. Instead, he thinks, trying to figure out where this has come from.

He's frustrated. No, it's more than that. For the first time he can think of, Tetsuya is actually on a level of anger that he can consider to be pissed off. The only problem is that he doesn't know why. Sure, there have been a number of things occurring lately that have been irritating and partially stressful, but that should have been the end of it.

Tetsuya sighs heavily, thinking about telling someone. The only problem is that he doesn't know who to talk to. All of the people he would normally confide in are partially causing the problem. He could always tell them apart the parts that don't involve them, but that feels like cheating. Knowing that the day isn't going to get anywhere else like this, Tetsuya moves to get ready.

It takes him a bit to get dressed, since he has yet to fold the last load of laundry. Packing up also takes an unnecessary amount of time, as half of his course materials are on one side of his room, the rest scattered throughout. It's a miracle he's managed to get anything done at all these past few weeks. He puts his bag over his shoulder, resolving to at least eat before he gets back to work in the library.

It'll work out, he thinks. If I just get my schoolwork back in line, everything else will work out, too. At the very least, it will get rid of his stress, let him relax a little. Maybe if he doesn't focus on them, all of these negative feelings itching at the back of his skull will disappear.

It only figures that on the day he decides to resume his classes, the teacher encounters personal troubles and dismisses class early. Returning back to his dorm room to at least try and resume work, Tetsuya discovers that all of the campus has had a bomb threat in the fifteen minute walk back, that the campus is closed until the next morning, and that everyone has a few minutes to gather belongings from their rooms and find somewhere else to go.

It's the captain of Tetsuya's university team that graciously opens his doors to the entire team. Fortunately, there are members who have other places to stay and also open their doors, so the house that Tetsuya ultimately arrives at isn't as cramped as it could be. That aside, it's still a house suited for a small family that suddenly has a group of worked up college males that have missed their usual work out through basketball practice.

Everyone else is so full of energy that they end up just goofing off for the night, even though school is supposed to resume tomorrow. Tetsuya tries to spend some time on his assignments, then gives it up. All of the determination he had felt to fix things earlier in the day is gone, and he probably won't feel like going to class tomorrow. He sits around watching movies with his teammates (who don't notice his mood due to his expression) and later excuses himself to one of the guest rooms to make a phone call.

"Tetsuya," Shigehiro says, almost breathless on the other line, "you doing okay?"

Tetsuya takes a bit of time to explain the day to his boyfriend in more detail than is practical to use brief texts for. He leaves his frustration out, since he feels a little bit better than he did earlier. Running around in a panic tends to do that to you. He talks about stopping by his dorm, lists the items that he grabbed in his five-minute grace period, and is just about to talk about his current living arrangements whenever Shigehiro interrupts him:

"Did you happen to grab the wristband I gave you?"

It seems like a trivial question, but Tetsuya knows it isn't. He's already listed off his belongings, and the wrist band isn't one of them. He feels stupid for not taking it, but the bag of his practice clothes was the last thing on his mind at the time. As it is, he answers truthfully, "Sorry, Shige, I didn't."

There's plenty he could say as a means to cover the situation, but Shigehiro doesn't give him the chance. "Tetsuya, I can understand grabbing some of your school supplies and technology since that's hard to replace," the boy on the other line says, although there's not much understanding in his voice, "but you're the one that said that you kept the wristband all those years to think of me. Did that change?"

Tetsuya takes a moment to collect his thoughts. Uncharacteristically, there's an annoyance already grating around the inside of his skull. He manages to keep it under control, but the fact that it's even there is far more concerning. None of what Shigehiro is saying is the boy's fault, considering he's been going through his own tough times of adjusting to his school, returning to basketball after three years, and a long distance relationship.

Even so, it frustrates Tetsuya more than he's willing to admit out loud.

"Tetsuya, say something," Shigehiro nearly pleas. Tetsuya forces words to come out of his mouth as metered as he can measure them.

"I really am sorry," he says. "I was more focused on getting out of there so that I'd be able to get back to you. And I didn't want to take too long since I had other people waiting for me." Tetsuya takes a deep breath. "I really do regret leaving it behind, Shigehiro."

"I didn't give you that to you just so you would forget it." Shigehiro's completely ignoring the fact that Tetsuya has taken care of it, hasn't played in a basketball game without it for almost seven years. There's no need to be so worked up. Tetsuya wouldn't get worked up about such a thing. It's really stretching it that he's even gotten worked up over this. "Tetsuya, it feels like you don't care about me anymore."

"Why?" Tetsuya asks. It's all he dares to ask. There's a part of him that wants to snap that Shigehiro's being childish. That he's reading too much into the situation, that he needs to think about things rationally, that he needs to be quiet for a moment because Tetsuya's hurt and scared and just plain-out exhausted from the week he's had. In opposition, Tetsuya locks his jaw and focuses on Shigehiro's problem instead.

It's not okay to yell at others just because you're having problems it's not okay to yell at others just because you'rehaving problems it's notokay toyellatothers justbecauseyou're having problems—

It'snotokay—

"Because I never get to see you," Shigehiro says. "Because we live so far apart. Because you're always busy and I can't talk to you as much. Because I want to live together already, to have you all to myself, even when I know that's unreasonable." His voice cracks, not even bothering to hold back the tears. "Because you keep talking about your new friends all the time, and I feel like I'm being left behind."

There's a million things that are going through Tetsuya's mind, and he keeps them all to himself. It's frustrating, really. In a crisis situation, he's probably one of the few upper percentile that can keep their calm, to not over react. That does nothing for situations like these, when he needs to be calm, and instead he's irritated. It's true that Shigehiro's behavior has been a hurdle, but that's not the only thing that's been wrong.

So he keeps his mouth shut. Because it's not okay to yell at others just because you're having problems. There's a silence in words, even when Shigehiro is gasping on the other line. Tetsuya knows he should say something, but also knows that if he's not careful, they'll come out the wrong way, and that will only make things worse. He loses track of how many minutes it takes until Shigehiro pulls his voice together enough to speak:

"Tetsuya, are you still there? Tetsuya, say something."

It's not okay to yell at others just because you're having problems

"Tetsuya, what are you thinking?"

It's not okay to yell at oth

"Tetsuya, please."

It's not—

"No," Tetsuya finally manages. His voice isn't loud enough to be considered yelling, but it's definitely not even, either. He was so wrapped up in thought that he didn't even realize that he started to cry. Shakily, Tetsuya takes a deep breath, tears evident in the sound he leaved behind. "I'm not… I'm not going to… I can't…"

"Can't what?" Shigehiro asks, and it's as if he doesn't understand.

"I can't say anything else," Tetsuya says. "I'm… I've been really stressed and frustrated lately and that's why I'm not much use right now. If I say anything, I'll end up hurting you. I don't want to do that to you. It's not your fault, Shigehiro…" (There's the question, that if nothing's wrong, the why hasn't he said anything about it before) "I don't want to do that to you."

"It's okay." Shigehiro's voice is kind and understanding, the complete opposite of how it was before. In that moment, Tetsuya knows that the boy on the other end of the phone is too good for him and has to stifle a sob. "If you need to say things to feel better, that's fine. It's not like I'm not used to it."

It's not like I'm not used to it. He says it in such a way that Tetsuya finally breaks.

"That doesn't make it okay!" Tetsuya gasps; he doesn't remember ever being able to raise his voice like that. There's a moment of stunned silence where he knows that Shigehiro doesn't remember either. Tetsuya takes shaking breaths, stifling his crying but still letting breathy sobs escape. Downstairs, Tetsuya's current teammates laugh at some joke or another, but no one comes close to the door, and that is the one thing Tetsuya is grateful for.

After all, if they see him like this…

"That doesn't make it okay," Tetsuya repeats, his voice softer. "It never makes it okay, no matter what. I swore I wouldn't do that. I swore I wouldn't be like that. Don't tell me I can do it, because I don't want to. I'm just scared and tired and—" He cuts off, not knowing where that sentence was going. "I love you, Shigehiro, so please don't ask me to do that. I don't want to do that to anyone, especially you."

Half of those words have been inside his head for the duration of the conversation, the rest have appeared out of thin air. Both boys are sobbing, and Tetsuya finds himself reaching for the place where Shigehiro's wristband would normally be.

And it is Shigehiro who finally breaks the silence, providing an "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For being so terrible. I'm supposed to make you happy and yet…" He trails off, and Tetsuya finds that he doesn't want to hear the rest of that sentence anyway. "I'm sorry you can't talk to me. I should be able to be here for you and… Listen, if you're feeling this bad, then you should talk to someone, Tetsuya. Your school has counseling, right?"

The question catches Tetsuya off guard. "Yeah, but…" he says. "It's only been a few days. It's not that bad yet. I just haven't had a chance to sort out my feelings because of everything that's been going on…"

For whatever reason, the idea of going to a counselor scares him. He isn't exactly the type to be efficient at expressing his feelings anyway. Someone like a counselor might not be the best person to talk to about this, especially since the words won't come out properly anyway. How is he supposed to describe feelings that he doesn't understand, that he can't even find the source for?

"I think I need to lie down," Tetsuya says. Shigehiro goes to say something, but in the end, he doesn't. "I love you. And I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, good night, Tetsuya," Shigehiro says and then hangs up. The reluctance in his voice echoes in Tetsuya's ears, even amongst the snoring of his teammates.

It starts when they're little, when they're nothing more than a couple of elementary school kids who happen to like basketball and go to the same park on a regular basis. Tetsuya lives in an ordinary house, with his ordinary house and his ordinary grandma, with no siblings to speak of. Somehow, one summer day, Shigehiro becomes his best friend, and they, as all little kids do at some point, become inseparable.

As far as Tetsuya can tell Shigehiro's house is the same. Same ordinary house, same ordinary parents, sans one ordinary grandmother (although he never asks, because not everyone has the exact same home situation, he learns). There's hardly any difference to him, whether they eat dinner at one place over the other, besides who they're eating with, who they have to help out with the homework.

And then one day, the two places aren't so much alike.

The end of the trimester comes, as do the grades. Tetsuya hasn't exactly excelled in anything, but he hasn't failed anything either. Tetsuya is one of those kids that diligently does his homework every night, tries his hardest to get good grades. Shigehiro is one of those kids that prefers to be active, to run outside and play basketball every free moment he has. He's someone that doesn't disturb anyone, but he doesn't get enthused by schoolwork either.

So when the grades come home, and Tetsuya has pocket money for his own efforts and is heading over to Shigehiro's and there just happens to be an F on the paper that his father just so happens to be reading when Tetsuya enters the kitchen, and there's yelling.

Shigehiro doesn't cry. He apologizes and heads to his room and Tetsuya cries instead. Because Tetsuya's never had anyone yell at him before, at least not like that, and he doesn't know what to do because Shigehiro's trying to get him to go outside and play basketball with him and he just won't stop crying.

This isn't the only time that's like this, either. Shigehiro doesn't get yelled at again for a good couple of years, and his grades improve. But it only takes the little things, when his father keeps working more hours and gets more stressed, and Tetsuya gets phone calls where Shigehiro is asking him to come play, acting as cheerful as always, but something seems off.

And there's the other times when he's there, when one of Shigehiro's parents starts yelling, then the other one starts yelling, and it only gets worse. Shigehiro doesn't say anything, but Tetsuya can tell that his friend doesn't like it. He wants to be a source of comfort, but he just ends up crying instead.

"It's okay, they're just stressed," Shigehiro always says, like that's an excuse. Like being stressed out over other things in life is a reason to scream at your kid when you come home. Tetsuya's in elementary school. Tetsuya's naïve.

Tetsuya believes it.

It's not until middle school that he starts to realize that something's wrong, and by then it's too late. Because everything that Shigehiro's parents have been doing is not okay, except the Generation of Miracles has already destroyed him, and Tetsuya isn't able to do anything to help, no matter how badly he wants to. And even though Tetsuya normally doesn't get angry, he makes a promise to himself, just in case.

He swears that he'll never be like that.

Tetsuya skips his classes the day following the bomb threat—which turned out to be fake—and then tries to make a genuine attempt on his homework. He locks himself in the back of the library, with no one else to distract him, and then he just works. Sure, the emotional problem and Shigehiro's outburst are still there, but letting his grades drop will only make it worse. Besides, he can't afford to screw up anything when he's this close to graduation.

The day progresses well enough. Tetsuya's able to finish most things, even though there's still work to do. Part of him is tempted to skip practice, but he knows that will just call attention to him from his teammates, and he doesn't need them worrying over this mess, too. So he practices, collapsing back in his dorm room still wearing Shigehiro's wrist band.

Sometime before dinner, Tetsuya's phone rings. He expects to be Shigehiro. Instead it's Kagami. Tetsuya isn't sure which one of them would be worse to talk to right now. He answers the phone anyway, and then has to listen as Kagami talks about some problem he's been having, and Tetsuya does his best to help.

Tetsuya knows he should just put his foot down, that he should just let everyone know that he's having a problem and he needs everyone else to just stop for a while. He just doesn't know how to talk about it. After all, back when he was having troubles in middle school, talking didn't seem to do much about it, and he's never had a problem like this before.

Where would he even start?

So Tetsuya listens, is patient through Kagami's phone call, and gives what advice he can. Kagami seems to be satisfied enough, and gives him thanks before hanging up. Tetsuya vaguely remembers that he should attempt to do something relaxing, but can't really find anything appealing enough to draw him out of the spot he's laid down on the bed at.

He wishes that he could keep Nigou here, but the school has a very strict policy that no pets are allowed in the dormitories aside from fish. And even if Tetsuya did bother to go out and buy a fish, it wouldn't be what he needs right now. Nigou is a warm being, and his fur is soft and comfortable. If the Alaskan malamute were here, he would be attempting to cuddle and play to make Tetsuya feel better. But he's not here, and that's that.

Tetsuya finds his pillow to be a rather poor replacement for his pet.

When he thinks about it, Tetsuya knows that he's always been like this. It wasn't like he was emotionless—as some people chose to believe—he just didn't feel things as strongly as others. He also didn't express them as strongly as others, which may have lead into his lack of a presence. That aside, this almost stagnant emotional state has been his norm.

He didn't even realize that he could feel happier than what he was used to. After middle school, he blocked most of it out. He had cried too many times, so he learned how to control it. In the end, that led to a close control on the rest of his emotions, too. Even if it was unintentional, Tetsuya saw nothing wrong with it, so he let it stay that way.

As he grew closer to Seirin, that changed. More of the happier emotions leaked out, and it felt nice. He could smile easier, he could express things just a little bit easier, without having to spell it out with words. There was no way he would ever be as expressive as Kagami and Kise were, but it was an improvement over how he had been.

That change ended up persisting into university, developing more as time went on. Tetsuya had long since learned to let himself smile, and even laugh. His new teammates seemed to have an easier time of learning to read him than Seirin and even the Generation of Miracles did. Tetsuya was glad for it, happy that he could open up to people easier than he had before.

So why had it taken so long to reach this point, the one where all the negative emotions became a problem?

When Tetsuya thought about it, he knew that was it. After so long of keeping the negative feelings in check, he was losing that ability. Pushing them away wasn't easy. And since he hadn't felt anything so intensely in such a long time, he didn't know how to handle it. That's why it wasn't as easy as it used to be.

He should just talk to people about what was annoying him. After all, Tetsuya wasn't the entire source of the problem. Trying to work through it on his own wouldn't be effective. Trying to repress the annoyance wouldn't be entirely true to himself. The only difficult part is bringing it up, especially with how volatile Shigehiro has been lately. There's no way he can handle it

But Kagami probably can.

The break from school is a welcome exodus, even with the homework that comes with it. Tetsuya sits down at home, working through his assignments for the first two days, taking appropriate breaks to play with Nigou in between. On the third day, he double checks his work and decides that all there is left to do is to review his material a few more times before break ends.

He texts Kagami in the morning, and heads over to his former partner's place before it's afternoon. Kagami is attending a college much closer to home, and thus has been able to keep his high school apartment. It's empty aside from the two former teammates, and that's the way that Tetsuya wants it.

"So what's been bothering you?" Kagami asks without Tetsuya even needing to say anything. Because that's just how the redhead is, able to pick up on Tetsuya's thoughts despite their time apart. It makes things easier, lets Tetsuya not have to struggle to find a way to bring up the topic without sounding selfish.

Kagami bridges that gap nicely.

"Well, there are a lot of things," Tetsuya admits. For some reason, he feels a bit embarrassed about it, like keeping so many problems a secret from his best friend is something to be ashamed of. And in a way, it almost is, because it means that he hasn't been able to share his worries with the people that are closest to him.

"So then say them one at a time," Kagami advises, and Tetsuya almost chuckles. It's moments like this that show how little Kagami has changed over the years, all the way back to that first year of high school. "You can't tackle anything until you know what it is."

"Well…" Tetsuya pauses, almost biting his lip. This one is going to be the hardest to admit, so it's better to get it out of the way first. "Shigehiro and I have been fighting on and off lately…" His voice is quiet, but Kagami doesn't ask him to repeat the words. "It's always about something different, but it's been happening more and more lately. I think he's stressed because of the distance between us, but…"

But it shouldn't be as much of a problem, Tetsuya thinks. We agreed on this when we started university. We said it was alright to go to different schools so that we'd have a better chance of getting the futures we wanted. We knew it was going to be difficult, but we said that we wouldn't give up…

"But?" Kagami prompts.

"But I can't help but feel like it's childish sometimes." There they are, the words he's been thinking for a while out in the open. The world hasn't ended. Kagami doesn't seem to think poorly of him now. Tetsuya continues, "I understand being upset whenever things go wrong, but there are times when you have to accept that a situation's not going to go the exact way you imagined it. I don't think that Shigehiro realizes that, and it's bad for him…"

"So did you tell him that?"

"Not yet… every time I want to bring it up, I feel like it's only going to hurt him. We're either fighting or he's depressed about something. If I tell him that he needs to accept being an adult, I'm worried that…"

Kagami frowns, but doesn't press the subject further. "Well, you're gonna have to tell him sooner or later, or else it's just gonna get worse," he advises. Tetsuya responds in the form of a small nod. "What else is there? More than one problem seems like a hassle, but unless you look at it, nothing's gonna get done."

Tetsuya wonders just when Kagami became so wise, but he supposes that what happens with age. "Well, other than that, I've just been really frustrated lately. Part of it has to do with Shigehiro, but the rest of it's from other things. This trimester just seems to be getting to me, and I'm not sure what to do. I've… I've never been this angry before over nothing." Sure, events like the Kirisaki Dai Ichi game have worked him up, but what's been going on lately has been nothing like that.

"You're not the type of person to get worked up over nothing," Kagami says, "which means it's something. Maybe it's just all these other things and it's starting to affect you for once." Tetsuya immediately feels silly for not recognizing that idea. It's moments like these that prove how valuable of a partner Kagami can be. "Keep going, what else?"

This is the moment where Tetsuya truly hesitates. Sure, the little things are there, but there's the other part that's left. This is something he's never told anyone else, because it just seems to selfish. But he keeps thinking about it lately, it keeps coming into his mind whenever there's a chance, and it just won't go away.

"Everyone else seems to have their problems," Tetsuya says, and Kagami raises a split eyebrow, "and that's just fine. I understand that everyone is going to have problems. But there are just times when it seems like too much, whenever people have too many problems or they have problems over things that shouldn't be problems. And I understand that it's different for everyone, but there are times when I wish that everyone would stop and let me have problems, too…"

There's some silence, and Kagami stares at Tetsuya. It seems like an intense glare, but the shorter boy knows that his friend is just thinking. They sit like that for a while, Kagami thinking and Tetsuya waiting, until Kagami says, "You're talking about Shigehiro, aren't you?"

Tetsuya almost recoils. Leave it to Kagami to get the answer right in one shot. It's funny how people don't seem to notice just how sharp the redhead is whenever he can say things like that. Knowing that there's no point in denying it whenever Kagami can see right through him, Tetsuya nods again.

"It's not always Shigehiro… but a lot of the times it is."

"Not everyone can handle things the way you can."

"I know."

"And not everyone can read you well enough to figure out when something's wrong, either."

"I know!" Tetsuya shouts without meaning to. It's the second time in such a short period of time that he's snapped, and this one is almost more shocking than the first. Even Kagami looks shocked, and Tetsuya takes a deep breath. He almost feels like he could cry at any moment, but her attempts to ignore it. "I know... But, just for a moment, I'd like it if we could be problem free. I'd like it if I didn't have to feel like I need to hide my own problems for the sake of others."

Kagami frowns. There's a tone in his voice, one that's almost angry. It's not the first time that Tetsuya's heard it, but it's the first time that it's ever been truly directed at him. "Is this what it's really about?"

Tetsuya takes a shaky breath. "I think so…"

"Then you need to work at trusting others with your problems more." Kagami stands up, as if he's closing off the conversation. "Relationships, romantic or not, are made on trust. If you can't let yourself go around them, you're isolating them. Now I'm gonna make you some lunch and then you're gonna call Shigehiro, understand?"

Tetsuya nods. It's the only action he can seem to coordinate properly.

"And I expect to hear from your sorry ass if you have a problem like this again," Kagami adds on before heading to the kitchen. As he goes, however, he mutters, "Can't even trust his best friend… How long has this shit been building up for, anyway? Idiot…"

Tetsuya doesn't bother to mention that his former partner is thinking out loud. Despite the situation, Tetsuya finds it in himself to smile.

He almost chickens out while the phone is ringing. Bringing these sorts of things up has actually been scaring Tetsuya for a while, and maybe that's why he's been hesitating. After all, what if this conversation is the breaking point? What if Shigehiro gets hurt? It's enough to make Tetsuya consider hanging up. The phone is in his hand, his thumb is close to the call end button. It would be easy to press it.

The only thing stopping him is the look that Kagami is giving him from the other side of the table.

So when Shigehiro answers, Tetsuya is honest. He doesn't spill everything out, because conversations like this are best had in person, but he does arrange a meeting and makes it clear that they do need to talk. Shigehiro is still working on his own homework, so they agree to meet up tomorrow, as soon as Tetsuya can make it there.

There's still pressure, but at least some of it has been lifted. The buzzing annoyance in the back of Tetsuya's mind is gone, even if the reason is unclear. Maybe he was just annoyed with himself. And even though everything's not fixed and perfect, he still allows himself to relax.

Because at least this is a chance to make things different.

This was meant to be posted yesterday but I failed spectacularly in remembering how to access the internet at work, so it's out today.

Yes, another Kuroko no Basuke one shot.

I wrote this a while ago when I was having some emotional problems and decided to vent them out. Since I've mostly gotten over my feelings at the time, I decided I should be able to read this objectively enough to edit it...

That being said, I'm glad for how this came out. I wanted to show that not all problems have immediate solutions. Sometimes you just need to stop for a while and making an attempt is all you can do. Deep-rooted problems don't just disappear overnight. Sometimes a happy ending isn't a guarantee. But, by at least choosing to step forward, you make it more of a probability.

Beyond that, though, writing this made me want to do a longer story with Tetsuya and Shigehiro (especially since the manga's over so that leaves a lot open to mess around with). Maybe I'll get to that one day...

On an unrelated note, today is my third year anniversary with my fiancee. Looking forward to another wonderful year with her~.

Regardless, thanks for reading!

[POST[ 091014