A/N: Oh dear, written in 2005 after reading Green Eggs and Ham to my children one too many times. Dr Seuss please forgive me. Totally silly and indulgent, read at your peril.

That Red-Haired Man

That Pans-I-am
That Pans-I-am
I do not like
That Pans-I-am

Do you like
that red-haired man?

I do not like him,
Pans-I-am.
I do not like
that red-haired man.

Would you snog them
here or there?

I would not snog him
here or there.
I would not snog him
anywhere.
I do not like
that red-haired man.
I do not like him,
Pans-I-am.

Would you snog him
in this house?
Would you trip him,
and then pounce?

I would not snog him
in this house.
I would not trip him,
and then pounce.
I would not snog him
here or there.
I would not snog him
anywhere.
I do not like that red-haired man.
I do not like him Pans-I-am.

Would you snog him
on a broom?
Would you snog him
in your room?

Not on a broom.
Not in my room.
Not in this house.
Not with a pounce.
I would not snog him here or there.
I would not snog him anywhere.
I would not snog that red-haired man.
I do not like him, Pans-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
In a flying car?
Snog him! Snog him!
Here they are.

I would not,
could not,
in a flying car.

You may snog him.
You will see.
You may snog him
In a tree!

I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! You let me be.

I will not kiss him on a broom.
I will not kiss him in my room.
I will not kiss him in this house.
I will not kiss him with a pounce.
I will not kiss him here or there.
I will not kiss him anywhere.
I will not kiss that red-haired man
I will not kiss him, Pans-I-am.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you,
on the train?

Not on the train! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Pans! Let me be!

I would not, could not on a broom.
I could not, would not, in my room.
I will not trip him and then pounce.
I will not snog him in this house.
I will not snog him here or there.
I will not snog him anywhere.
I will not snog that red-haired man.
I do not like him, Pans-I-am.

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark?
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on the train.
Not in a car. Not in a tree.
I do not like him Pans, you see.
Not in this house. Not on a broom.
Not with a pounce. Not in my room.
I will not snog him here or there.
I will not snog him anywhere!

You do not like
that red-haired man?

I do not
like him,
Pans-I-am.

Could you, would you,
in the tower?

I would not,
could not,
in the tower!

Would you, could you,
in the shower?

I could not, would not, in the shower.
I will not, will not, in the tower.
I will not snog him in the rain.
I will not snog him on the train.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I will not snog him on a broom.
I will not snog him in my room.
I will not snog him in this house.
I will not snog him with a pounce.
I will not snog him here or there.
I will not snog him ANYWHERE!

I do not like that red-haired man!

I do not like him,
Pans-I-am.

You do not like him.
So you say.
Snog him! Snog him!
And you may.
Snog him and you may, I say.

Pans!
If you will let me be,
I will snog him.
You will see.

Pans!
I like that red-haired man!
I do! I like him, Pans-I-am!
And I would snog him in the shower.
And I would snog him in the tower.
And I will snog him in the rain.
And in the dark. And on the train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
He is so hot, so hot, you see!

So I will snog him on a broom.
And I will snog him in my room.
And I will snog him in this house.
And I will snog him with a pounce.
And I will snog him here and there.
I will snog them ANYWHERE!

I do so like
my red-haired man!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Pans-I-am!

End.