I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
Salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
Wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again
After Jimmy's death Alex decides to call Amber. He was her and Aaron's father too, after all. She doesn't pick up the phone and Alex is not surprised about it. She has a habit of ignoring his calls. So he tries again and again. When she finally does answer the phone he tells her everything that has happened since their father first arrived at the hospital. Only the medical stuff of course. Not the personal stuff, the stuff that hurt him. That he keeps to himself, like he always does.
He asks her if she wants to come to the funeral. She says she doesn't feel like it. The truth is, she doesn't feel anything about her father's death. She never really knew him. As for her he could just as well have been some distant relative. She was two when he left for good. Alex was the only father figure she has ever known. And Amber is well aware of the fact that he did a better job than her real father ever could have done.
She remembers how he came to see her perform in the annual Thanksgiving play in Elementary School. She was 8 and played a pilgrim. It wasn't even a big part and she knew that her mother was usually not in the condition to leave the house, so she didn't expect anyone of her family to come. And yet Alex was there, sitting in the front row, cheering and applauding. He even took pictures of her in that stupid pilgrim costume.
But times change. People change. 10 years later when she graduated High School there was no one who cheered at her or applauded when she got her diploma. And no one took pictures of her in her stupid graduation gown. She doesn't know why she has to think about all that right now and forcefully pushes those bitter memories away. She's good at that. They've got that in common.
Alex asks her about Aaron and mom. That's what he usually does when he calls. Making sure everything is alright at home. He never talks much about himself, though. He never called to say Hey, I'm getting married. Wanna come to my wedding? or Hey, I passed my boards. Wanna come celebrate? He never even called to say Hey, I got shot and nearly died. Wanna come and make sure my heart is still beating?She heard about the shooting on TV. That's how close they are these days.
Amber tells him that both Aaron and mom are okay. Then there's an awkward silence, because neither of them knows what to say next.
It's strange, Alex thinks, it shouldn't be that hard for me to have a conversation with my sister.
He feels he should ask her about her life; how things have been going for her. But the only questions he can come up with are things like Are you still crazy about swings? Do you still like those candies that made your tongue blue? Do you still sing along to the Gummi Bears title song?
Those are stupid questions and Alex knows it. She is not a little girl anymore. She is a freakin grown up woman now. How did that happen? How is it possible that he has missed half her life? He always tried so desperately to leave all the crap from his past behind, that he didn't even realize that he also left the good behind. Like his little sister.
Amber has questions too. Actually, she has just one. It has been burning inside her for years. But it's a pathetic and stupid question and she would never say it out loud.
The silence between them is getting more and more uncomfortable. But neither of them is able to say the words they want to say.
I love you. I'm sorry. I miss you.
I hate you. I need you. I miss you.
Finally it's Alex who breaks the silence, because he can't bear it any longer. He can't bear the feeling that his sister has become a stranger to him. He can't bear the regret and the guilt that keep creeping up on him with every passing second. He left them and by that forced Amber to take care of the family just like his father did all those years ago. He is no better than Jimmy.
"Well, I'm glad you guys are okay", he says. "I just thought you should know about Dad. I'll send you meds and some money in a few days. Bye Amber."
"Bye Alex," she says and hangs up.
"When did you stop caring about me?" Amber whispers to an empty room as her eyes fill with tears.