Title: Almost Love Her
Based on: iCarly inspired by A Fine Frenzy's song, "Almost Lover"
Summary: Carly struggles to deal after Sam breaks up with her, trying to understand what went wrong and where she's supposed to go from here. CAM. Im terrible at summaries.
My room was dark when I opened my eyes, but that gave no indication of the time. I'd covered the windows days ago, when I stopped getting out of bed except for the bathroom. There was a fresh water bottle beside me on the counter, and beside it a note in Freddie's writing and a sandwich .He'd picked up the pieces of my phone from across the room and reconstructed it. The screen was cracked, but he'd plugged it in to its charger and it was working. I didn't look at the screen, and I ignored everything except the water bottle. I wasn't hungry, even though I had hardly eaten for weeks and had stopped eating altogether when I stopped getting out of bed. But I was terribly thirsty, and I still felt exhausted even though all I'd done for days was lay in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, never quite sure if I was awake or not, always exhausted.
I sat up partially to drink, leaning against my headboard, glancing at my floor and seeing that my room was once again immaculate. Freddie had even cleaned my room for me. Something I hadn't done in weeks. In fact, my room had looked more like Sam's lately than my own. The thought of Sam immediately brought fresh tears to my eyes, and my breath hitched in my throat. I swallowed a big swallow of water and briefly wondered what time it was, what day it was. But it didn't really matter. In a way, Sam had made me grow up when she left. At first I'd tried to go about life as usual, until I started realizing that without Sam, I didn't feel like going to school anymore. It was my senior year, but I'd simply stopped going after they called me into the office for the fifth time to discuss why I wasn't working or paying attention. They asked about Sam, where she had gone, and I just shook my head.
As days passed, I stopped doing more and more. I stopped listening to music, every song reminded me of Sam in some way, even songs she would never listen to. I tried listening to rap, because she didn't like it in any way, but whenever I tried I would hear her mocking tone and see her doing her gangster poses, until I stopped listening to music, period. I stopped cleaning my room. More and more often I could be found laying in bed, or sleeping on the couch or in my room. I stopped answering the door. I stopped caring what people thought about me. I realized that none of it really mattered. Things weren't as important. Whatever reason I'd always had for always trying to please everyone and act how they thought was right, I had forgotten. People stopped calling because I stopped answering. People stopped visiting because I stopped talking.
Freddie was the only one who still came. I could see it in his eyes, as I saw it in Spencer's, that terrible feeling of helplessness and concern whenever they looked at me. On some level I felt guilty for making them feel like this, but I found it hard to feel much of anything. I don't care enough , I guess, and in a way I felt like I'd earned the right to make whoever I wanted feel as bad as I wanted. Because it was impossible that I could hurt anyone as much as I still hurt, as much as every second since Sam walked out hurt.
The thought still made me flinch every time-of Sam leaving me, as though I'd really made it that easy for her to just walk away. It was like she didn't even care. At first I'd desperately wished that Sam would come to her senses., or tell me it was a joke of some kind.
I wouldn't even be mad. I still occasionally entertained the idea of Sam walking through the door, eating something out of the fridge downstairs, smiling in that adorable way that only she can, and laugh that I really believed her, would really let it do this to me. Honestly, I wouldn't even be mad. Because I've been finding that life without Sam is pointless. I care-cared- I tried to tell myself, as though I was already over her, about her more than anything or anyone else, so now that she wasn't here with me, I found it hard to care about much of anything, everything meant so much less now that she wasn't involved. Freddie told me that fans were freaking out on iCarly, that it had been flooded with questions about what was going on, if the show was over. I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't bring myself to say it was over, although I know it has to be, it is, but I can't accept that. iCarly was how me and Sam got together in the first place.
I still could remember when we got together, well, we didn't right away, but the first time we kissed. Like, really kissed, not the best-friend kiss, the kiss that crossed the line firmly between friends and more. The line had been being blurred for months with our frequent hand holding, unnecessarily long touches and hugs, catching each other staring…
They had just finished iCarly, and once again their hits had just gone up from the show before. Freddie had left in excitement to work on the site after they'd all had sundaes to celebrate. As Freddie left, Sam finished her second sundae, licking the chocolate off the dish. I chuckled fondly as she got some on her face, setting the now shining dish down and leaning back with her hands on her stomach. "You're supposed to eat chocolate, not wear it." I told her seriously.
She smiled over at me, laughing and licking her lips. Immediately I found it hard to look anywhere else, staring at her lips as she licked them. That feeling in the pit of my stomach was there again, not that it ever really left anymore. It was like Sam was taking over my mind, she was all I could think about, all the time. How good she looked in my pajamas she'd changed into while I made us all the sundaes, or how adorable she was when she was really proud of our show, of me. "Hellllooo? Anyone in there?" She was saying, as I suddenly realized she'd been talking for some time, and I'd simply watched her lips move instead of listening.
"What?" I asked blankly, blushing but hoping she wouldn't notice.
Eyeing me with veiled eyes, she didn't answer for a second. She'd noticed. I nervously played with my sleeves. "I was just asking if I got it all." She repeated.
I smiled, she was so cute. "No," I smiled and bit my lip. She looked at me expectantly, and I laughed, reaching a finger out to wipe a smear of chocolate from her cheek.
But god, when I touched her…
It was like sticking my finger in an electrical socket. Her skin was so soft, and before I realized what I was doing my entire hand was cupping her cheek. She looked at me, surprised, and I realized what I was doing. All these images had just flooded my brain and overwhelmed my senses, I couldn't stop myself, but seeing her face made me snap out of it. My eyes widened and I started to stutter something out as I started to snatch my hand back, but she snatched it in the air.
I stared at her, scared and confused, not knowing what to say. She was staring at my hand that she'd just grabbed, holding it tight enough that I wouldn't pull back, but not hard. Her beautiful blue eyes seemed to be struggling with something, I couldn't understand what, and I desperately wished she would just speak. After a few seconds she looked at me, and my breath caught. The way she was looking at me…oh god, why had I done that? I couldn't decipher that look in her eyes, I started stuttering out apologies, stumbling over my words as I tried to think of an excuse.
"Carly," she said, staring at me. I immediately stopped talking, waiting, but she seemed to be struggling to find the words to say. Suddenly her hand that wasn't holding mine was on my face, as she looked surprised at herself, as surprised as I felt. She looked at me, looking afraid, and hesitantly leaned forward.
In that instant I nearly had a heart attack. I froze, shocked at this quick transition from friends hanging out to friends about to make out. But I could see her insecurity and fear in her eyes, something people so rarely got to see, and I stopped thinking. I leaned in, too.
I shook my head at the memory. A few minutes later Spencer had come to check on us, and we'd barely heard the elevator door ding in time for me to pull back and sit back on my own bean bag, slightly out of breath, both of us wide-eyed. Spencer asked if Sam was staying the night, and I didn't know how to answer. I saw the reality of what we'd just done hit her, I saw the terror start to form in her eyes, although Spencer didn't see a change, most people wouldn't. I knew her answer before she said no, she had to go home. It was days before we spoke, before she called me in a hesitant voice to ask if she could come over. We agreed to "give it a try", but we didn't discuss what that meant. It was a wimpy way for us to date without calling it that, but it relieved us both of a lot of pressure. We didn't tell anyone, we tried to act the same when other people were around.
I chugged a little more water. My phone vibrated, and I glanced at it without intending to answer. Nikki, one of my friends from school. I looked away. I couldn't think of anything she could have to say that I would want to hear. After a few rings it stopped. I was left alone in the dark again. The only light came from the light of my cd player and dvd player. I laid back down and wrapped my blankets around me. I'd turned the AC on ridiculously high, my room was freezing, but my blankets were thick and warm and it made me feel a tiny bit better to be wrapped in this warm cocoon. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I hated being awake. I just wanted to sleep. I never wanted to wake up. I wanted to hover in that place in my mind where the world didn't exist, where reality was what I dreamed. Where I could be with Sam.
I felt the tears slide down my face and I ignored them, trying to still the trembling that had just started in my hands. I bit my lip and berated myself, trying to focus on something, but there was nothing. Its hard to explain what I did when I wasn't thinking of Sam, but it was like turning my mind off. The only thoughts I ever had were of Sam, it seemed, like I didn't know how to think of anything else. I thought of her now. I gave up on holding back the tears. I cried, quickly getting hysterical, sobbing into my pillow and curling up into the fetal position. My throat felt raw, my eyes sore and puffy. I knew I looked pathetic.
I wondered how she looked right now. Wonder if she cried over me at all. I imagined her, but I couldn't imagine Sam breaking down like this. Instead I could imagine her somewhere in the city, probably at a party, laughing, having fun with other friends. I doubted I crossed her mind. Shed left me, and instead of going on I sat down and watched her leave. I couldn't go after her. This wasn't a case of her being taken, this wasn't something I could fix or fight, this was Sam not wanting to be with me anymore. The thought made me sob harder.
How could she just walk away? How could she say that she would never forget me, but she doesn't want to be with me anymore? How could…how could she do this to me…?
I stood there, frozen. I tried to open my mouth, to say something, anything…but I can't. My mind stopped working, all I can think is, no, Sam, no. She wasn't looking at me anymore, although I had yet to look away, she was staring at the floor, biting her lip, wringing her hands. She looked guilty. She looked like she hated doing this. So why was she? Why?
"Why?" And I realized I'd managed to speak, albeit in a nearly voiceless whisper that sounded nothing like me. I saw her flinch and lower her gaze further, her hair falling forward to block her face from view. I crossed the few feet between us in seconds and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me. I saw she was crying, but her eyes still only said sorry, she had yet to take back her words. I tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ears, trying to relax my face muscles, and trying to stop the tears that were trying to escape my eyes. I was failing miserably, and as I dropped my hand from her face it was shaking. She grabbed it and squeezed.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, squeezing again. "I'm so sorry, Carls…I…I can't do this anymore." She shook her head and a few tears fell from her eyes. I didn't wipe them away. I couldn't move again. She…wasn't taking it back.. She really thought we shouldn't do this anymore.. My hands shook more and she tightened her grip, pulling me into a tight hug, and I held tightly to her, crying in her shoulder.
"Why?" I repeated, sobbing into her sweatshirt, the shaking spreading to the rest of my body. "please, I'm sorry….we, I'll fix it, I promise. I'm sorry." I tried desperately, but I could feel her shaking her head.
"Don't apologize, Carls." She whispered, rubbing the small of my back soothingly. "Please don't say sorry. This is my fault. I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I can't…" I could hear her voice breaking slightly, and I reached one hand up to run my fingers through her beautiful, long blonde hair. "I don't want to do this anymore." She whispered, her voice breaking from guilt at the end of the sentence. She pulled back to look at me , holding my face in her hands carefully, like I might break from her touch.
I felt like I would.
"I'm sorry." She said again, biting her lip. "We can't do this anymore….I can't do this anymore. We…God, Carls, what did we think was gonna happen?" She went quiet, her eyes closed tightly. After a few moments she opened them again and looked at me. My mind was still repeating, no, Sam, no, like some sort of mantra. She wiped some tears away with her thumb, and forced a smile through her own tears. "I don't regret this, Carls, I don't regret you…I just can't do this anymore. I'm never gonna forget this, you know that, right? You know I'll never forget you? I'll always love you, I just…we can't be together anymore."
"Why?" I begged again, feeling my heart breaking more and more every time she spoke. I felt like my heart had stopped beating and turned to glass. Every word she spoke broke it more, and the shards were tearing holes in me. It was hard to breathe, like there was a pressure on my chest, my throat felt tight. My heartbeat was pounding in my ears, my hands shaking, my knees weak. "Why can't we be together anymore?"
She looked caught off guard, then sad again, rubbing her thumbs across my cheeks, and I saw her close her eyes as I closed mine. "I…I can't do this anymore. I don't want to." Her voice shook again. "god, Carls, you don't know how hard this is, but it's the only thing to do. I can't keep running around with you at night and lying about it to everyone during the day, I can't keep lying to everyone…." I opened my eyes and looked at her, but she still had her eyes closed, although I could feel her body tense up even more. She struggled to continue and I watched her as she talked. She was beautiful, even upset.
Even destroying my world.
"I can't tell anyone…you know what they'll say. My mom-" here her voice definitely cracked and I saw her expression flick to one of pain as she looked away, trying to get it back to the dim expression of guilt from before. "-she would never talk to me again…she, god, she'd hate me…." She was shaking, but I couldn't bring myself to pull her close. I couldn't move that much. My mind was racing, a million thoughts per second…but I couldn't really finish any thought. Sam, no. She slid one hand to the back of my neck and rested her forehead against mine, and I could smell her cotton candy spray she always wore. Her breath was hot on my face. She slowly leaned in and kissed me, I could feel the goodbye, the finality in the kiss, and I poured as much love and passion and pain into that kiss that I possibly could.
When she pulled away, slowly, crying, I let her. When she started walking away, I let my arms fell limply to my sides, and I watched her go. She hesitated at the door, looking at me one last time, and I thought she might come back. But she didn't. She turned around and walked out.
She just walked out. Just walked out the door, out of my apartment and out of my life. How could anybody just walk away from someone they say they love? How could anyone see what they were doing to her, to their lover, and just apologize and walk away?
Maybe if I'd yelled, maybe if I hadn't just watched her go I could have convinced her to stay. Maybe there was something I could have said that would have stopped her. Maybe. I couldn't think of anything. I stopped thinking and let myself sink into the nothingness that was sleep.
.