A Candle in the Dark
I
The first time Thorin's boyfriend hit him was on a Monday morning. 10th of March, eight thirty AM.
2014.
He only remembered bits and pieces of the previous weekend, it had been dull, grey, and raining constantly. He'd been stuck inside, with nothing else to do but look mournfully out the window, hoping for a reprieve. There was only the four walls and him for company.
He wanted so badly to be alone.
The Sunday night sex was as painful as usual, but if Thorin kept still and let Azog do what he wanted then it was almost bearable.
Sometimes Thorin wondered why he was there at all.
His boyfriend ignored every 'no' every 'stop that hurts' and every 'I don't want to tonight'.
It had been fun once, when Azog had pushed him down; hungry eyed and panting.
But now whenever his boyfriend touched him, he felt nauseous.
They never used condoms. Azog didn't like them.
It was worse when they were high, Thorin had never touched drugs before; Azog said it would make the sex better. It didn't, it just made Thorin was too out of it to care, or feel anything.
At least not until he woke up the next morning when he threw up his guts in the bathroom.
If he managed to sleep at all.
The coffee machine hummed in the background as Thorin tried to make something that was an approximation of breakfast. He had little appetite these days.
He'd lost a two stone in two months.
So he'd bought baggy clothes and hoped no one noticed.
If they did ask, Thorin knew what he'd say. "I'm sick."
Which wasn't really a lie.
Thorin nibbled his burnt toast with little interest and sipped his coffee from his oddly painted mug, covered in childish scrawls of what were meant to be dragons. A birthday gift from his nephews.
Azog has thrown it against a wall once, but it hadn't smashed. That was the day Thorin had tried to visit his sister without asking Azog first.
Before his boyfriend, Dis used to say that Thorin had the worst temper in Britain.
Now? Not so much.
Thorin couldn't remember the last time he got angry at something. He was too tired.
He hadn't been happy for a while either. Which was his own fault, he just needed to carry on and stop moping. There were people worse off than him, after all.
He fiddled with his cuffs and straightened his tie before putting on his body armour and searching for the keys to his bike. Azog would hide them sometimes.
After a bit of searching he eventually found them in the pocket of his old leather jacket. His favourite, his best friend Dwalin had a matching one.
He hadn't spoken to Dwalin in weeks. He didn't like Azog, and Azog didn't like him.
But to be fair, Azog didn't like anybody.
I'm almost out the door. Thorin's heart began to pulsate with excitement as he walked the few steps from the kitchen to the front door. Nearly there.
He reached for the brass knob, hopinh maybe today would be a good day for a change.
"Where are you goin'?"
Thorin's spine tingled with dread.
Azog could be very quiet when he wanted to be, he could catch Thorin by surprise.
He wasn't usually awake this early. Something was wrong.
"To work." Thorin explained without turning around.
"Without sayin' goodbye?"
He's just trying to keep me here. Thorin gripped his helmet tightly under his arm. "I didn't want to wake you."
Azog snorted, then paused, waiting for Thorin to say something.
"Sorry." Thorin whispered, just loud enough for his boyfriend to hear.
He said sorry a lot. There was a lot to be sorry for.
Azog shuffled on the stairs. "C'mere, Pet."
I hate it when he calls me that. Thorin let his arm drop and in a daze he turned around. Condescending bastard.
Azog licked his stained teeth and like a cat wetting its fangs before Thorin leaned in kiss him on the side of his mouth.
He stank of beer, cigarettes and sweat. His arms were dotted with red marks made with the prick of a needle.
"Bye." Thorin mumbled trying not to breath in Azog's scent, before adding. "I'll be late."
Azog froze, then narrowed his eyes before asking with a hiss "What did you say?"
Thorin opened his mouth just before Azog's palm connected with his face.
A sharp sound rang through the air and it muffled any sound Thorin might have made. His neck twisted to the side painfully with the force of the blow.
Everything became blurred, Thorin swayed on his feet, his brain unable to process what had just happened.
Azog had never hit him before.
He'd threatened, but never actually done it.
Thorin must have made him very angry.
He didn't mean to.
He never meant to make his Boyfriend angry at him.
In the haze he could make out Azog barking at him, something along the lines of "You fucking come home when I tell you to!" and "Your lucking I don't leave you! Nobody would put up with your shit!"
More of the same.
Thorin's mind was elsewhere, but his body moved of its own accord. He opened the door, shut it, managed to stumble to his bike and swing his leg over to sit on it.
Then he realised he'd didn't have his helmet.
He looked around for a minute before realising it was inside the house.
Stupid, stupid, how could I have left it? He began to shake. I can't go back now.
For the first time in years, Thorin started to cry. His face hurt, his head hurt. He didn't know what to do.
He sat there for a long time, sobbing, choking. Tears dripped down his face and soaked his beard.
In a moment of passing desperation, he got out his phone and dialled the only number could think of.
His sister.
Kili and Fili would have left for school by now, she would be leaving soon too.
He put his mobile to his ear and it rang, and rang and rang.
Please, please, please. Thorin bit down on his finger so hard it left angry red marks on his skin.
"Hello?"
Thorn let out a breath. "Dis?"
Stunned silence. "Thorin?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god- hold on, let me just-"
He heard bags being dropped and a car door slamming.
"Thorin? Are you still there?"
"Yes."
"God… are you- does Azog know you're calling me?"
"He's in the house."
"Okay. Okay. God… I was so worried about you, it's been weeks! I thought something had… wait, are you crying?"
Thorin swallowed.
"I… Dis, I don't-"
"You are aren't you? has he done something? Did he hurt you?"
"I… I don't know what to do."
A beat. "Thorin, did he hurt you?"
Thorin shakily nodded. "Yes."
"Right." She sounded like steel. "I'm coming to get you. Are you at the house?"
Thorin felt shame claw at him. "Dis, I don't need-"
"No. Listen, you've looked after me before, now let me look after you."
"You're my little sister." Thorin muttered weakly.
"And you're my big brother. I'm coming right now. Don't move okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you, alright?"
Thorin laughed, he didn't know why. "I love you too."
Dis sounded like she was fighting the tears herself. "I know. I'll be there soon. Goodbye."
After she'd hung up, Thorin sat mutely on his bike, doing as he was told until Dis came to fetch him.
He slowly looked up at the windows. The curtains were drawn, the lights out, all was quiet.
No one could imagine what went on inside.
II
"I tried leaving three times before but I always was terrified of being alone."
Katherine, a domestic violence victim.
Most days, Thorin's nephews were more punctual than his alarm.
"Uncle! Uncle!"
Thorin could feel the weight of the eight year old climb awkwardly onto his back, the warmth of the boy seeped through Thorin's shirt and had an oddly calming effect.
He could have dozed off again, if not for Kili's persistence in his mission.
"Unnnnncle!" he whined, tugging at Thorin's ear.
"What?" Thorin asked, muffled by his pillow, attempting to swat away his nephew like a fly.
It was much too early for this, surely.
"Mum says get up right now." Answered Kili. "Breakfast was ages ago."
The thought of breakfast made Thorin curl inwards.
He still wasn't eating right, and in any case, the medication made his food taste strange.
Not that Thorin cared. Everything had felt strange since he'd left his boyfriend, his house, his job.
His old life.
How long has it been?
He groaned. "What time is it even?"
Dis had always like to rise early, and as a single parent of two boys she had little choice in the matter.
"It says twelve on the clock."
"What?" Thorin sat up quickly which sent Kili rolling onto his side with a surprised giggle.
Thorin grasped blindly for his phone and winced as the light of the screen hurt his eyes.
12:01 AM.
It wasn't morning anymore, it was afternoon.
Again? Thorin blinked slowly at the digital numbers. This can't go on. This isn't normal.
He used to sleep too little.
Now he slept too much. I can't win these days.
In his musings, he'd quite forgotten Kili, who was bouncing on the bed impatiently.
Thorin rubbed the back of his neck. "Where's your mother?"
"On the phone." Kili said between bounces.
"Go and find her and tell her I'll be done in a minute."
His nephew frog hopped from the bed and bounded from the room in search of Dis. "Muuuuum!"
"Stop yelling Kee!" rang the voice of his older brother.
"I'm not yelling Fee!"
Thorin envied the boys energy.
It was nice to have his nephews around, and they liked Thorin being at home with them.
They didn't really understand why he was there, or for how long.
Or why he sat around the house and didn't go to work.
Or why he cried when he thought no one could see him.
Children shouldn't be burdened with a grown man's problems, so Thorin was glad when they didn't pester him for answers.
Which was odd considering how curious they usually were.
He suspected that might Dis' work.
Taking his time, Thorin pulled the covers from himself and stretched before getting up and peeping through the blinds.
A street with some cars, a person walking their dog, street lamps, paving stones.
It was all still here.
Thorin let himself breathe.
He fell back onto the bed, staring upwards at the ceiling.
Another day.
Since moving into his sister's flat he'd subsequently claimed the guest room as his own safe hovel from the world, and for the first three days he shut himself away; despite his sisters knocking and Dwalin's worried texts and calls.
Thorin ignored them all.
He wanted nothing, needed nothing, other than to be alone.
He almost called Azog twice.
Thorin just wanted to hear his voice, his nice voice. The voice he used when they first met.
He can't remember what that voice sounded like. I miss him.
Did that make him crazy?
On his bedside table his phone buzzed. A text.
Thorin tapped the screen idly to bring up the message.
HEY PRINCESS
YU TAKEN YUR PILLS YET?
D.
Dwalin.
His friend had never quite grasped the technology that was modern smart phones.
That and also he had rather pudgy fingers.
His texts were always in capitals.
The good natured gibe made Thorin half smile and he quickly replied:
Just got up.
Gonna take them now.
T.
Thorin pressed send, then put his phone back in its place before shuffling along to the guest bathroom.
After taking a piss and brushing his teeth, he opened the cabinet above the sink (safely out of the boys reach) and picked out the purple box that contained his ability to function.
He stroked the silver packet with his thumb for a second, feeling lost, before taking Tuesday's dose.
The drugs Azog took made everything fuzzy, these drugs made everything clear.
Too clear.
Thorin waited, for two minutes, five minutes, just staring at his reflection; pale skin, dark circles, a beard, and eyes that were the same colour as his but didn't look alive.
He wanted to feel a change.
"Thorin?" Dis was calling him. "Could you come down please?"
Sighing, he put his pills away and descended the stairs.
Dis was in the kitchen, sitting at the table, her mouth tight and pained.
As soon as Thorin walked in, he could sense there was trouble.
But nothing could have prepared him for what came next.
"What's the matter?"
Dis crossed her arms. "That was the police. Azog's been arrested."
The beating of Thorin's heart increased tenfold at the mention of his boyfriend's name, his sister's words made no sense; they were far away, like someone shouting across a lake or at the other end of a tunnel.
He must have sat down, or Dis pushed him into a chair, either way he was sitting at the table and he didn't know how he got there.
He couldn't think.
"…Okay."
"Okay? Is that it?" Dis pressed.
Thorin didn't elaborate.
She continued. "Apparently he glassed someone your local… what's it called?"
"The Green Dragon." Thorin liked that Pub, Azog had taken him there a couple of times.
They'd get shit faced, stumble home, have sex, and then pass out.
One night Azog was too impatient and had taken Thorin in the Gent's toilets instead. It had hurt.
"The guy was knocked unconscious, and could have lost his eye, and now his family are pressing for Azog to be charged with assault. And that's not all…" Dis looked over at her brother. "He left the pub wasted and managed to drive two miles before crashing into someone's front garden, that's when the police got there are arrested him before he could do anymore damage. Oh… and he was high on coke."
It sounds like Azog.
Thorin can see him as clear as day, swearing, intoxicated, drugged up to the eyeballs, being dragged away by and shoved into the back of a police car.
He probably would've doled out his fair share of black eyes and bloody noses before the sun rouse on his holding cell.
Thorin lived with this man for two years.
How. He thinks. How did I escape unharmed? I could have been in that car with him.
"He wasn't hurt, and he didn't run anyone over, thank god…Thorin?"
Dis was talking again. He sits there mute.
"They'll… they'll probably want to question you, and, you might have to testify in court."
And that's all Thorin can take.
He rises briskly and leaves the room like a hurricane, Dis calls after him but he doesn't stop, he passes Fili on the way back to his room.
"Uncle Thorin?"
He slams the door, locks it, before covering a sob with his hand.
The walls are closing in. Choking him.
His phone buzzes on the table.
Thorin blinks, ignoring it at first.
It buzzes again.
He scrubs his face with his fist and grabs the irritating thing, intending to turn it off or smash it. But he sees two messages. From Dwalin.
DIS TOLD ME ABOUT AZOG.
D.
Thorin's rage and despair melts away leaving him numb, and exhausted.
He wants to go back to bed.
ARE U OKAY?
D.
Thorin types back:
I was.
He goes to the bathroom, finds his pills, and takes Wednesday's dose.