One day there was a power outage in South Park. It lasted a long time, one week went by and still the power did not return to South Park. Heidi Turner, the most brilliant entrepreneur in South Park (even though she was only nine years old) decided that she could use this as an opportunity to open a store to sell supplies that could help people keep their houses lit. She could also sell rope and bombs just for the hell of it, she thought.
With the power outage lasting so long, Heidi decided that she would need to speak at a town meaning. There would need to be a new form of currency since life as everyone knew it was changing. And Heidi had the perfect suggestion for what that new form of currency should be.
"I think that we should start using human feces as currency for the goods and services that we purchase from one another," Heidi stated to the town one day during a town meaning.
Everyone agreed and so Heidi had her lamp oil store built. In the back was a huge safe that would store all the feces she would obtain from selling her equipment. Soon she had her first customer, which turned out to be Kyle.
"Lamp oil, rope, bombs," Heidi said pointing to her inventory, "You want it? It's yours my friend, as long as you have enough poopies."
Enticed by her sales pitch, Kyle gave Heidi three and a half pounds of his poop in exchange for a gallon of lamp oil. Heidi took a quick whiff of the feces to make sure that they were indeed human feces before she deposited them in her safe and gave Kyle his lamp oil.
Heidi kept selling her products, mainly lamp oil, rope, and bombs, until she was able to accumulate a vast amount of feces. She was becoming rich! Her store was filled with the rancid stench of wealth. Then one day, Eric Cartman walked into her store and offered to make a deal with her.
"You know, Heidi," he began, "Your product is becoming quite popular. You might need to be selling it in more than one store now."
"Go on," Heidi said, intrigued.
"Well, I was thinking, you sell me some of your lamp oil at the discounted price of two pounds of feces per gallon and I'll open a store myself and sell it at the regular price of three and a half pounds of feces per gallon. You'll still profit and so will I. It's a win-win situation!"
"You buy my lamp oil for three pounds of poop per gallon and you got a deal," Heidi replied.
"Make it two and a half," Eric said.
"Deal," Heidi agreed.
Eric dragged in a large sack of five hundred pounds of feces. After verifying that they were human by inspecting their smell and touch, Heidi gave Eric two hundred gallons of lamp oil to be sold at his store.
"And on more thing, Cartman," Heidi said as Eric was having the lamp oil loaded onto a truck, "Don't fuck me. Don't you ever try and fuck me." Heidi stared menacingly into his eyes.
"Okay," Cartman replied nonchalantly.
Business continued as usual until Cartman came in to purchase his next two hundred gallons of lamp oil. When Heidi inspected the five hundred gallons of feces he had brought her by smelling and touching them, she made a startling discovery.
"These aren't human feces, this is manure! Cow poop!" Heidi bellowed in anger, "I thought I told you never to fuck me Eric."
Heidi pulled a gun out from under the counter where the fecal register was and pointed it at Cartman.
"Now get the fuck outta my store and take your cow turds with you!"
"Fine, fine," Cartman said, "Calm down, bitch."
Heidi cocked the gun and Cartman wisely exited the store in silence. The only sound that was heard during this time was the sloshing of hundreds of pounds of wet manure as he dragged the large bag of it behind him on his way out.
Heidi Turner decided that she needed a nap after all that bullshit had transpired. She decided to lay down on a soft pile of feces and doze off for a while.