Title That girl
Characters Bella, Edward, Angela, Jake
Rating R (for occasional language)
Word Count 6208
Disclaimer All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary This story is Bella's journey of self-discovery from Edward to independence. AH
To see all entries in the "Love Lost" Contest, please visit the profile: .net/u/2458839/Love_Lost_Contest
~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~
It was an argument which we had had before. It was never resolved; the issues just ignored until next time.
"I don't want to you to see him, Bella. He is dangerous."
I didn't understand why Edward thought Jake was dangerous. As far as I could tell, it was because Jake rode a motorcycle. Edward had been beside himself when he found out Jake had given me riding lessons. Without a helmet.
To be fair, on that occasion I had ended up in the ER with a concussion and needing six stitches. If not for the hospital security guards and, fortunately, his father's entrance into the room, Edward would have torn Jake apart with his bare hands that day. Edward was a bit of a control freak when it came to my safety.
Edward is a bit of a control freak when it comes to everything.
I squashed the thought and returned to our argument.
"He's my best friend, Edward. He is coming all this way to see me. I can't just blow him off."
"Of course you can. Tell him you have a prior engagement. It was rude of him to assume you would be available anyway."
I sighed. No matter what I said, I wouldn't get through to Edward on this subject.
"No, Edward. I need to see Jake."
His face was a mask of frustration. He glanced at his watch then turned away from me.
"It's late. We should get ready for bed."
I watched as he disappeared into our bedroom, but did not follow. I couldn't bear to walk into the fraught silence I knew was waiting for me. This was his standard tactic; changing the subject and walking away. It usually worked. I hated confrontation and Edward knew it. I would eventually just do it his way. It tended to be easier.
But not this time. This was too important. Jake had come up especially to share his big news. News that Charlie had uncharacteristically spilled during our weekly phone call. But I needed to hear it from Jake himself and he needed to be the one to tell me. We had grown apart recently, which was much more my fault than his. Now I was feeling a deep-seated need to reconnect with him.
I walked into the study and turned on my ancient laptop. I would spend some time reviewing my notes and checking my email, I told myself firmly. It was a lie, and I knew it. I was hiding out, avoiding the truth that battered at me relentlessly.
It bothered me. This wasn't the girl I used to be; that girl faced her problems head on, recognised the issues and did the best with what she had. It was ironic that I had been more independent as a teenager living at home. Now, it seemed that I had somehow slipped into the role of subservient dependant without realising it. I heard the shower start and automatically relaxed, hating myself as I did. How had it come to the point that I could only feel free when I knew Edward wasn't there?
I had to consider my options. Edward hated me spending time with Jake. But Jake need me, and I need to see my best friend. With one ear cocked for the sound of running water, I took my phone out and typed.
J
Meet our café. 3:00?
B
My hand hovered over the send button. Doing this would be going behind Edward's back. I would, in effect, be lying to him, even if only by omission. But I had tried explaining and he just wouldn't listen. He could barely bring himself to stay in the same room for the conversation; whenever I said Jake's name, Edward practically ran away. And I was a big girl. It wasn't up to Edward to decide who my friends were. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, I argued with myself. Still, I hesitated; feeling deep inside myself that this was a betrayal of his trust.
Edward's voice from the bedroom startled me from my indecision.
"Are you coming to bed, baby?"
Baby. I hated being called that. It smacked of condescension, as if Edward was the wise, all-knowing adult and I was the child who needed guidance. I used to protest the term. Edward would agree and stop using it for a while but it would creep back in. Eventually I stopped bothering.
All my frustration came welling up inside me. I felt the overwhelming need to strike out, to prove myself, a child playing at being the adult. So, in my own tiny, and petty, act of rebellion, I hit the send button. I would see Jake, talk to him and see if he could help me discover the girl I used to be.
Because I didn't remember her any more.
~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~
Jake was waiting for me when I arrived at the cafe, my favourite coffee sitting in front of him. Just the sight of him made me smile. He personified shelter to me; big, safe, welcoming and warm. Seeing me, Jake jumped up and hugged me; in his embrace I could feel all my tensions melting away. His familiar presence made me younger, the girl he grew up with, and for a fleeting moment, I caught a glimpse of that girl I used to be.
I hugged him back as hard as I could and felt his deep chuckle reverberate through me. Tears pricked at the back of my eyes and I pressed my face into his jacket as I willed them away.
"I guess you missed me."
I looked up at his grinning face. "I did. It's so great to see you, Jake."
The smile faded from his face, replaced with a look of concern. "What's wrong, Bells?"
I never could hide anything from him. I plopped gracelessly into the my chair and reached for my coffee, avoiding his gaze.
"Nothing's wrong, Jake. I'm just really happy to see you," I lied. His face told me he wasn't convinced and I took immediate evasive action.
"So, I hear you've got news for me. Something…special you want to share? Maybe something about…Nessie?" He had been scowling at my obvious prior knowledge, but the second I said her name, his face lit up. I swear, for a second, I thought he blushed.
"It was supposed to be a surprise. Who told you?"
"Uh-uh. My lips are sealed. A good journalist never reveals her source." Charlie was safe; Jake would never believe that he was the leak. My father wasn't even supposed to know yet, but he and Billy gossiped worse than a bunch of old women. "Come on, spill. It's not official until you tell me."
He took a deep breath. "I'm going to ask Nessie to marry me." He pulled a box out of his pocket and opened it. "This is the ring."
It was a simple gold band inlaid with a single diamond. Elegant, classic, timeless. Absolutely perfect for Nessie, whose graceful beauty and flawless manners still intimidated me at times. It was as if Jake had found a ring that encapsulated her character and all the things he loved about her. My eyes filled with tears again as I looked at it and suddenly, I felt very young and very lost.
"It's okay, isn't it? Do you think she will like it?"
I looked up at my best friend and gave him a watery smile. "It's perfect, Jake. And she will love it. Just do me a favour, okay?" He nodded. "When you have kids, don't give them any weird-ass names. Much as I love her, Renesmee is a name that should never have been allowed."
Jake threw his head back and laughed, his white teeth almost shocking against his russet skin. "Don't worry, Bells, Nessie couldn't agree more. She swears her mother must have still be high on the pethidine when she was named. I think our kids will probably end up named Joe or Jane." His laughter calmed as he picked up the ring to stare at it.
"You really think she will like it?"
His uncertainty was endearing, and something I hadn't seen in a very long time. Jake was usually so sure of himself. It brought home to me the enormity of the question he was about to ask the woman he loved.
"Yes, Jake. I think she will adore it, just as much as she adores you." Because I knew him so well, I answered the question he hadn't asked. "And I think she will say yes before you even have time to finish asking. You two belong together, and Nessie knows it."
He smiled softly to himself as he closed the box gently and returned it to his pocket. Then, he looked over at me and pinned me with his gaze.
"Are you going to tell me what it wrong now?"
The lie was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't bring myself to utter it. Abruptly, I was sick of hiding, and the words came pouring out.
"I don't know! My life is great. I have a great apartment, I make good grades, I have a great boyfriend. Everything is great. But I feel like I'm slipping away. Like I am being smothered by something but I don't know what it is. There's nothing wrong, really. It's just that… this isn't how I expected my life to be." I looked up at him. "That's really stupid, isn't it. I'm complaining about how good my life is. Never mind me, I'm just being silly."
"Bella, how is Angela?" His question took me by surprise. He barely knew Ange; why would he be asking about her?
"Um, I don't know actually. I haven't seen her for ages. I always seem to be busy Friday nights now. We usually do something with Edward's family."
"I thought she was working with you on the campus magazine. Wasn't she your photographer?"
"She was, but I gave up the magazine at the end of last year. It was too stressful with my course load. Edward suggested maybe I should…" I stopped abruptly. Suddenly I could see where this was going.
"Bella, don't you see? This is why you feel you are slipping away. Everything you do, it's about Edward. You're like his satellite or something; orbiting him and reflecting his light." Jake leaned forward and took my hand. "But Bells, you're so much more than that. You are a sun. You don't need his light, you have your own. You need to shine, too."
I stared at him for a minute before cracking up. "Jeez, Jake, that was really corny."
He laughed back at me. "Yeah, I know. But I didn't know how else to say it."
We sat for a moment as the laughter died. I looked at Jake's hand on mine. Big, warm, strong, dependable. Everything Jake was to me.
"I love him." I whispered, the words hanging in the silence between us.
"I know, honey." His voice was sympathetic. He reached out to cup my cheek with his hand and I leaned into it. "But is that enough?"
I could feel the tears begin to gather again and knew it was time to leave. If there was one thing that Jake hated, it was seeing me cry.
I stood. "I have to go, Jake. It was great seeing you. Give me a call to let me know you got home safely."
Jake stood with me and enveloped me in a warm hug. "Sure, sure," he muttered condescendingly. I hung onto him for a moment more, needing his warmth to settle me, before I reached up to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Bye, Jake."
He looked at me strangely, with a mixture of pity and hope. "Bye, Bells."
I walked out of the coffee shop deep in thought. I didn't notice a figure standing by my car until I literally walked into it. I stumbled, and strong arms enclosed around me. Strong, familiar arms.
"Edward? What are you doing here?"
He said nothing, just staring into my eyes, still holding onto my arms. I pushed away as another thought occurred to me.
"How did you know where I was?"
He had the grace to look abashed. "I used your phone signal to find you."
"You used my phone signal to find me?" I was confused, and something else. Something that I rarely allowed myself to feel with Edward. "Why would you do that? Why not ring me?"
"I … just needed to see you, I guess."
The something was starting to build, a pressure I didn't understand. "I was going to be home at normal time. And why aren't you in class?" It finally clicked and the pressure build higher. "Is this about Jake? Did you track me on my phone so you could spy on me with Jake?"
"I needed to see you were safe. I worry about you, baby."
The hated endearment was the spark which lit the powder keg I didn't know I had become. I exploded. For the first time in years I yelled at Edward.
"Don't call me baby. I'm not a child, Edward. I am a fully grown adult who can make decisions for herself. I came here to see my friend. My friend, my decision. This has nothing to do with you. I am not your personal property."
I turned away from him and started to walk towards my car. His hand clamped hard against my wrist and spun me around. "Where are you going, Bella?"
His tone only fuelled my anger. "None of your fucking business." It should have been a warning. I only swore when I was furious. But I hadn't been this angry with Edward in such a long time that he had forgotten the signs.
He pulled me towards him. "It is my business. You are my girl. Mine. Not his. You can't walk away from me, Bella. I won't let you."
His grip on my wrist was starting to hurt and I tried to pull away. He squeezed harder and pulled me in closer, until I was directly in front of him. He bent and kissed me hard, almost desperately. But for the first time ever, I felt nothing; no desire, no corresponding passion welling inside me.
I stood passively waiting for him to finish. It didn't take long; he stopped almost as quickly as he had started. He raised horror-stricken eyes to mine. My face was a mask as I stepped backwards away from him. He raised a hand involuntarily to stop me but did not follow.
"Go home, Edward." My voice was impassive. "Go home and cool off, and I will talk to you when I get home."
"Bella," he started to say, his tone imploring. I held my hand up in a gesture to stop him.
"No," I said. Then I got in my truck and drove away.
~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~
I drove around in circles for an hour. Finally I found a children's playground and impulsively I pulled the truck in. Pulling the keys out of the ignition, I noticed my phone lying on the seat beside me.
I used your phone signal to find you.I switched the phone off and threw myself out of the truck.
I loved playgrounds. As a child in Phoenix Renee had taken me to the playground religiously every weekend. She said we needed time to be kids together. As I got older, and she seemed to get younger, I had sometimes escaped to the playground just to get out of the house, out of sitting around in my bedroom friendless. It became one of my favourite thinking places. Smiling slightly at the memory, I settled myself into the swing, propelling myself gently through the still air, and forced myself to consider all that had happened.
We hadn't always been like this; the tension and the control. In fact, we weren't always like this now. There were days that reminded me of the carefree boy I had met at high school; the one who had made me feel cherished and precious. But now, instead of cherished I felt smothered, instead of precious I felt fragile. Where he used to provide me the strength to conquer my own weakness, now he rushed to protect me from everything, even myself.
I tried to pinpoint when it had all changed but I couldn't. In my memories there were the times when everything was fine and there was now and I couldn't work out how one had become the other.
We always fell into a bubble when we were together, our own little Edward and Bella world. Angela used to tease me about it at school. But I had managed to balance it back then. I had my friends after my move to Forks. Angela was my first real friend. I had been too shy, and my school in Phoenix was too big, so I had slipped through the cracks there. But there was no hiding in Forks, population 3,172. Angela had been kind to the new girl, treating me like a person not a shiny new toy. She was a kind person, and funny, smart, creative, artistic, caring; everything I could have wanted in a friend. She was here in Seattle, studying at UDub as well. How long had it been since I had picked up my phone and just called her. How long had it been since I had seen any of my old friends? Anyone who wasn't Edward's family or mine?
I remembered the last time I had gone out with some girlfriends. Edward's cousin Kate had been celebrating her engagement. Her sister Tanya and I had gotten ready together, giggling and gossiping like teenagers. I had been so excited. Not so much for the clubbing—dark, crowded rooms, high heels and alcohol were a dangerous mix for a klutz like me—but just for a chance to be one of the girls. I had been studying so hard that I felt the need to let my hair down a bit. Edward had insisted on driving us to the club. He said it was faster and cheaper than waiting for a cab. He was sweet like that. He dropped us at the door and I had kissed him goodbye, wordlessly promising a proper thank you when I got back home. But halfway through the evening I had felt eyes on me. Edward was sitting at the bar, nursing a beer and watching me dance. When I asked him why he was there, he shrugged and told me it was safer than having to find a cab at two in the morning. We had argued the next day; another argument that was never resolved. And I hadn't gone out without him again.
I had let it all slip by the wayside; my friends, my hobbies, even my family to some extent. It had been months since I had been to visit Charlie. Edward was so busy with his classes this year and he hated me driving all that way by myself. The Edward and Bella bubble had expanded so much that there was no room in my life for anything else. There was just us. Jake's question echoed through my head.
Is that enough?
~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~
It was dark when I got home. I quietly let myself in the front door and walked down the hall to the lounge room. Edward was pacing up and down, his phone in his hand, muttering to himself. He looked wild. I had never seen him so totally out of control. I cleared my throat; his head whipped around to stared at me. He started to move across the room towards me but stopped when I put my hand up
"We need to talk, Edward."
"I'd never hurt you, Bella. You know I wouldn't." Edward's voice was pleading, almost desperate. It almost made me feel guilty for what I was about to do. Almost.
I held up my wrist. The angry red welts left by his fingers were clearly visible, even across the room. "You did hurt me, Edward."
His face blanched and for a moment I thought he might be sick. He flung himself to the other side of the room and cowered in the corner, for all the world as if he was afraid to even be in the same room as me.
"Edward, sit down and let's talk."
He didn't move. I wasn't even sure if he had heard me. "Alright, I'll talk, you listen."
I lowered myself onto the sofa. Kicking my shoes off, I tucked my feet under my body.
"I know you didn't mean to hurt me, Edward. This isn't about my wrist. It's about more than that."
I took a moment to compose my thoughts before continuing.
"You know about Renee and Charlie. With my mom, I was the practical one for such a long time. I did the shopping and the cooking and the washing; she wanted to spend every holiday at Disneyland. I was the adult, the one in charge. Then, going to live with Charlie, I was older and he wasn't used to having a kid around so he treated me like another adult. Which was good, I mean, I was seventeen. But I never really got a chance to just sit back and let someone else be in charge.
I looked over at him. His body was slumped on the floor with his head in his hands. He looked defeated, broken. I wondered how long he had been expecting this conversation. Had everyone seen the problem before I had?
"Then we finished high school, moved here and started college. I was so scared but you just bloomed. I watched you become more confident and I let you take charge. It was nice seeing you so sure of yourself. You found this place, convinced your parents to buy it for you and I let you talk me into moving in. I let myself ignore the misgivings, the feeling that I wasn't pulling my own weight. It was… liberating not to have to be the one who made all the decisions. But somewhere along the way it became too much. I think I've known for a while but I didn't want to face it.
You smother me, Edward. You are too possessive, too concerned, have too much control. This obsession with my safety is too much. I can't go anywhere without you freaking out so I never go out. I feel like I am losing myself. I'm just…fading away."
Part of me wanted him to say something; to beg me to stay, to promise me that he would change, that he could make it better. I would stay if he asked, I wasn't strong enough not to. But he sat unmoving and silent in his corner. Finally the silence was too much for me and I stood, desperate to get away from the heavy emptiness between us.
"Where are you going?" Edward's voice was empty; he said the words as if they were in a script, as if he didn't care what the answer was. His lack of emotion stung. I looked over, but he was hiding his face from me.
I answered honestly. "I don't know. Home, I guess." Except this place, he, was my home. "Back to Forks."
"No." Suddenly there was life in his tone, though his face was still averted. "Stay here. I'll go. I'll find a hotel room or something."
"Edward, that's not fair. I should…"
He interrupted me, his voice urgent and pleading. "Please Bella. Don't go, not now. It's too late to drive back to Forks now and you have classes in the morning." He lifted his head to stare at me. Panic edged with pain was etched in sharp lines across his features. "Just… stay. Please."
His desperation cut through me and I found myself nodding; anything to stop the panic I could see pulling him under. Even now, telling him I was leaving, his pain called to me and I yearned to comfort him. But I couldn't; not when I was the source of his torment.
He looked away again, the fire in him extinguished and everything blank. I felt as if I was watching him give up in front of my very eyes. Still, I sat on the sofa and stared unheedingly at the floor. Stared and stared until I heard the front door click and I realised I was alone.
Alone.
I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt. My whole world had walked out the door. The fact that I had told him to go only made it worse. Edward's question flashed across my mind. Where would I go? I was on a scholarship that covered my tuition but how would I pay rent? I had no useful skills for getting a job. Essay writing was not a particularly employable skill.
God, what had I done?
I had driven away the man who loved me; the only man I had ever loved. And now I had nothing. I stumbled up from the sofa and into our bedroom where I threw myself on the bed. But it was empty and it only served to reminded me of what I had done. Looking around I could see the evidence of him everywhere; another reminder he was gone. I buried myself in the sheets, great heaving sobs wracking my body. Surrounded by his scent, I cried myself to sleep.
~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~
I was still exhausted when I woke the next day. My sleep had not been particularly restful, full of nightmares where I frantically searched for Edward only to realise I was alone. I dragged myself out of the bed and into the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Pale face, eyes with dark circles under them, hair falling lank; I was a mess. But more than that was the expression of defeat that stared back at me. It had been less than 12 hours and I already missed him desperately. All it would take was one phone call and I knew he would be back. We could put this behind us and move on.
I reached up my hand to push my hair back. There, reflected in vivid technicolour, was the stark reminder of how I came to be here. My wrist was swollen and dotted with bruises. Could I just ignore this, as I had ignored so many other signs in the past? This would never happen again. The look on Edward's face when he had seen the bruises assured me of that. But the build up; him tracking me down, the obsessive concern over my safety, the panic I had seen manifest whenever I tried to do something without him. Could I ignore that? Was it fair to him for me to pretend nothing was wrong? I had always believed the stories that said love could conquer all. I knew he loved me and I loved him, with every fibre of my being.
Is it enough?No. It wasn't enough. Love didn't conquer all; love didn't do anything. People did things. People conquered. People made decisions, people performed actions, people lived with the consequences. It was time for me to come back from being the shadow I was; it was time for me to become a person in my own right.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror I reached for the girl I used to be. The one who could make decisions. The one who had plans for her life, who took care of others, who stood on her feet, even when the ground was so often shaky and uncertain. That girl would know what to do. That girl would do what was right, not what was easy. I stared fiercely, as if I could will her into existence. And again, I felt her almost in my grasp. I just needed to reach out, to take action.
I picked up the phone and dialled.
"Ange? It's Bella. I need to ask a favour."
~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~
I sat in Angela's spare bedroom and took stock of my situation.
Clothing Check
Toiletries Check
Homeless Check
Furnitureless Check
Broken heart Check
I had no right to the broken heart. I had left him. But it was undeniably broken nonetheless. I could feel the jagged shards pressing into me, making it hard to breathe. Today was supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life. Striking out on my own, girl power and all that crap. Instead I felt as if half of me was missing and all of me was lost. The girl I was danced out of my reach, mocking me. I didn't know how to get to her through the wreckage of my life.
A gentle tap on the door roused me from my thoughts. Angela's head rounded the corner. "Can I come in?" she asked.
I tried to pull myself together and at least pretend to be a welcome guest. "Sure." I smiled, but the look on Angela's face told me I wasn't being very convincing. She sat down on the bed next to me and nudged me with her shoulder.
"How are you doing, Bellagirl?" Her use of my old nickname made me want to fling myself into her arms and weep until there were no more tears left.
"Fine."
Her cocked head told me that I wasn't fooling anyone. "Okay, I feel as if my life is over. I know it's stupid but…."
"It's not stupid, Bella. You were with Edward a long time. But you made the decision to leave. I assume you had a reason."
I nodded. I didn't trust myself to open my mouth.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
I shook my head, eyes on the ground. If I talked now I might actually drown under all the emotion.
"Does it have anything to do with the bandage on your wrist?" Her voice was still gentle but an edge had started to appear.
My head flew up in shock. We had all gone to school together. She was the first person I had told when he asked me out, when finally kissed me for the first time. Did Angela honestly think that Edward would hurt me?
He did hurt me.
"Bella, I realise that injuries are pretty par for the course for you, but you have to admit that it's a bit coincidental. You make a snap decision to break up with Edward, call me out of the blue for the first time in months and you can't lift anything with your right hand. What do you expect me to think?"
"It wasn't like that. He didn't mean to hurt me." Her body went rigid and I suddenly realised how that sounded.
"No, Ange, honestly. It's never happened before. He was holding my hand and I tried to pull away. He didn't realise he was holding on so tightly. He was horrified when he saw what he had done. I thought he was going to be sick." The memory of his face flashed into my mind and suddenly I too wanted to be sick.
Angela was muttering to herself. "I'm going to fucking kill him. Chop his hands off, dismember his body…."
I put my hand over hers. "Stop, Ange. It's okay, I promise. The bandage is mainly for support. You know what I am like - I probably would have broken it carrying bags otherwise. That's not why I left."
I laughed humourlessly. "I left because he was too careful. He treated me like a crystal statue, not a person. He was getting obsessed with my safety. He tracked me down using my cell phone signal yesterday because I was having coffee with Jake."
"Great, now he's a stalker too." She held out her hand. "Give me your phone."
"I left it on the bench with the note." I didn't bother to add that the account had been in Edward's name. I wouldn't take anything from the apartment that wasn't mine outright. I hadn't taken much.
Angela cracked a smile. "Nice," she said approvingly.
It wasn't nice; it was cruel. I had left him with nothing but a note and the guilt sat heavy on my chest. Edward deserved better from me. The girl he had met would never have run away like that. I wondered if he missed her too, that girl. Had he even noticed that she was gone?
"So, what's the plan, Bella?"
Hysteria tinged my laugh. "Plan? I don't have a plan, Ange. I have no fucking idea what to do with my life." She looked startled at the profanity; I don't think she had ever heard me swear before. Paradoxically, it only made me feel more out of control.
"I'm nearly finished college and I have no idea what to do next. Do you know I applied for honours just so that I could stay at school. So I could avoid having to make the decision about a career. And now, what do I do? I have no money, no house, no work background. I can't stay here forever, but I don't know how to get a job." Panic at my situation clawed at my throat, closing it over and making it heard to breathe. "What do I do now, Ange?"
She gathered me into her soft embrace. "I don't know, Bella. That's not my decision to make, it's yours. But I can tell you one thing. You won't find the answers shut away in this bedroom. You need to get out and discover them for yourself. Talk to people, track down sources, find what you are looking for. You are good at that, remember?"
I let out a small sniffle. "I used to be. I don't know what I am good at any more, Ange. Without Edward…"
She sat back and turned my head to face hers. "This isn't about Edward, Bella. This is about you. You made the decision to leave and move on. Now you need to do it. I believe in you, even if you don't." Her eyes softened, almost pleadingly. "Come back to the paper. You know how much you loved it. Use what you loved to find your answers."
I dropped my eyes from hers and she sighed. Apparently feeling that she had said enough, she pushed herself off the bed.
"Dinner will be ready in about half an hour, Bella," she said as she disappeared out the door.
I let her words flow around my head. Angela knew me better than I knew myself. Almost as well as Edward does. I pushed the thought away. Angela was right. I had made the decision to leave. Now I had to live with the consequences.
She was right about the paper too. I had loved it, every part of it. Telling other people's stories had given me a sense of fulfilment through the anonymity of the medium. My words had power in the paper; power that the rest of me had never had.
Thinking of the paper brought the old skills flooding back. In my mind, I could see a series of features starting to take shape. I could do my career hunting through the paper. I couldn't be the only person on campus who was lost and confused on the cusp of the adult world. I could spotlight certain careers, ones that were outside the normal list of doctor, lawyer, teacher and engineer. I could interview successful people, find out where they started and how they defined their success. Job hunting skills, interview techniques, employer expectations, employee rights and responsibilities. All things that I needed to know, that I could share with others. For the first time in months, I started to feel excited about what tomorrow could bring and what I might discover.
In that moment, the world snapped back into focus. In the act of taking responsibility for my future, I had found my past self. She was no longer dancing out of my reach. I was that girl again. I felt calmer, strangely refreshed, as I stepped out of the bedroom to go down to dinner. I was making decisions for myself and it felt….good. I was still only half a person but now the pieces that remained were me.
That day I made one more decision. Running my hand over my bandage, I booked myself in for the next available self-defence class. No-one would touch me against my will again.
Not even Edward.