Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, it is the property of the brilliant J.K Rowling. This story is the product of her marvellous characters and world and my imagination.
Summary: No one ever associated the word fear with Sirius Black. They thought he wasn't afraid of anything. That wasn't true.
Character: Sirius Black
People associated many things with Sirius Black. They thought he was handsome, cocky, intelligent, reckless, powerful and loyal.
He was a black sheep within his family, defying their expectations of him but never faltering, always showing that he didn't need them, that he could be better without them pulling him down into their dark, prejudiced lives.
No one ever associated the word fear with Sirius.
Why would they? To the world Sirius was afraid of nothing.
He had no difficulties talking to a pretty girl, never worried about being without company (friends or lovers). He showed no nervousness when faced by an enemy, not at Hogwarts and not afterwards, when the enemy was so much more real and dangerous. He never worried about his lessons, always getting by and coming out with high marks. He certainly didn't care at all about being disowned, in fact he seemed to embrace it.
No, to the world Sirius Black had a devil-may-care attitude. He had plenty of joie de vivre, always grinning and always the life and soul of the party.
James was constantly fearful that Lily would never do anything but reject him and that he wouldn't be able to be the man his parents thought he could grow to be. Remus was terrified of his curse. Peter, well he feared a lot of things. But Sirius, everyone always said he wasn't afraid of anything, that he laughed in the face of danger.
Except that wasn't true.
Deep down, behind the smiles and laughter and pranks and confidence, Sirius Black was petrified.
Few saw it, almost no one at all. James and Remus, but not Peter. Lily, later on, when she knew him better. Perhaps Dumbledore, sometimes (but one could never tell all that Dumbledore's sharp eyes caught).
It wasn't that Sirius wasn't brave, because he was, often recklessly so. He never backed down from a fight and he never left a friend behind. He threw himself head first into every new challenge and he almost always emerged victorious. He was, it was often remarked, the epitome of what Gryffindor House stood for, a role model for potential casanovas and pranksters and heroes.
But he wasn't invincible. He didn't dismiss every danger or worry. When it came to things that mattered, Sirius was no coward but he was certainly not always brimming with confidence.
He couldn't help it. He wasn't a complete genius like Remus and Lily, but like James he was exceptionally bright, though it was sometimes forgotten, hidden behind his roguish grin and antics. But he had significant brains and those brains would not let him forget all the things in the world that needed to be feared, all the dangers and horrors that existed.
He worried about his friends and, when he came along, his godson Harry. He got nervous that his family might try something drastic to bring him into line. He feared what Voldemort and his Death Eaters could do if they gained too much of a foothold.
So many fears. The tiny and insignificant ones weren't worth mentioning - he was aghast when his hair wouldn't be styled into his favourite style of casual but controlled disarray but he didn't let it control him. The serious fears, though, were very real.
He was an expert at hiding his worry, though. He had been for years.
The Black household was never cheerful. The sound of happy laughter was rare, smiles rarely seen and a stilted, formal atmosphere was the norm.
Sirius knew how to mask his feelings, how to bury his emotions deep down. How to hide his fear because he knew his family would exploit every weakness to try and bring him into line.
He could not afford to be afraid, not in front of his family and enemies, at least.
Still, it didn't matter what they said - everyone was afraid of something. Even Voldemort, who thought himself above such things, gave himself away in the meaning of his name - flight from death - which showed what he was truly worried about.
It was the way they dealt with those fears that really made a person.
Sirius Black lived during two wars. He experienced the loss of James and Lily and was incarcerated in the hellish Azkaban for twelve long years. He was a member of the Order of the Phoenix and he was a fugitive on the run. He had plenty to be terrified of and more fuel for nightmares that anyone could ever want.
But he persevered through it. He fought past what made his hands shake and his eyes water. He showed himself to be a courageous man. He got time with his beloved godson, even if it was too little. He was a hero.
And when he fell through the veil at the Department of Mysteries, he did so knowing that he had fallen saving Harry. He was sad that he would not see more of his godson and his friends. He was angry that he would no longer be able to help in the fight against Voldemort. He was furious and upset that he had never had his sentence overturned, that people still believed he had betrayed his very best friend. He was petrified of the threat that Voldemort and his Death Eaters posed to Harry, Remus and everyone else.
Still, he trusted those he left behind to finish what he had helped with for so many years. He believed in Harry and the Order.
He was almost happy, knowing he would find James and Lily and other lost friends again.
At that moment, he conquered all his fear. And he went with a smile on his face.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.