I first bought Portal and Portal 2 as a bundle during a steam sale, but I had no idea how deeply involved I was going to get.
Both of them together would cost me less than a boxed copy of Portal 2 in the stores, and despite my preference for physical copies, it was easier than setting out to hold a copy of said orange box in my hands.
I'd known about the game for a while, but it wasn't until partway through college that I finally made the move to obtain it. By then it'd been out for years and thanks to the internet I already knew how it ended.
I played it anyway.
I was about two chambers away from the finale of Portal 1 before I had some problems and the game decided it'd rather boot me than let me reload a previous save. Since I couldn't play that (for the moment), I decided to ty switching to Portal 2, thinking I could kill time by finishing a few test chambers.
A couple of days later, Portal 1 lay forgotten and I'd beaten Portal 2. It was longer than I'd anticipated, but then if the game would've called it an episode when Wheatley threw Chell and GLaDOS down the pit, that would've seemed really short.
Old aperture seemed like it could eat up an entire episode in itself, so did new aperture after Wheatley had been screwing around up there. Quite possibly, three episodes worth of content in one game, and I loved every minute of it. Except possibly the odd chamber that took longer to figure out, but doesn't everybody have that problem?
I would've loved a 3rd installment to get into, but you can't rush Valve. Not if you don't want to tack more time onto development and certainly not if you want Half Life 3 to be as shining an example of glorious gameplay as we're all hoping - expecting it to be.
What I wasn't expecting was to receive my own personal Easter egg.
Of course, it wasn't Easter at the time, of course. It was winter break, and I had 3 weeks of time away from schoolwork. The annoying thing about college is while you aren't doing daily worksheets and handing them in the next day for maybe 5 points towards your final grade, you are getting large, occasionally multiphase projects that need to be completed by a certain date in order to receive anywhere between 10-50% (sometimes more) of your final grade.
I'd retreated to my dorm in the hopes of a celebratory gaming session. I didn't (and still don't) have an extensive library of titles, but the ones I do have I really enjoy.
It'd taken me longer than usual to make the commute, mostly due to the fluffy white snow that'd begun to fall. Lately, snow seemed to come down whenever something good happened in my life, so I passively accepted this as a good omen.
For the moment, I decided now would be as good a time as any to try Portal 1 again!
A change of clothes and a freshly poured beverage later, I was finally at my desk, free from all academic responsibilities and assorted social distractions! Don't get me wrong here, I really enjoyed animation. I still do! But it's like they say, you can always have too much of a good thing!
The game looked like it was finally going to load up (finally!), and for a moment I was satisfied.
Until the whole computer seemed to lock up on me...
I tapped the Num-Lock key a few times, more out've impatience than anything.
"I know you must be busy, but do you think you could take some time out've your schedule to perform a quick test?"
...
GLaDOS?
...
Funny, I didn't remember hearing her voice during a loading screen before. Maybe this only happened when you'd played the game for a while? At the time, I would've assumed this. Remember, I'd only recently gotten the game!
I found myself tip-tapping the Num-Lock key again.
"I don't know if you think hitting that button over and over again will do anything, but it's really annoying."
I froze.
This was getting weird.
"I was going to, but the game isn't loading, so I can't." I said to nobody.
"Oh, it's not that kind of test. This is more of a behavioral exercise." GLaDOS' voice explained. "Did you think I watched humans plop cubes on buttons all day?"
I couldn't help but snicker at that, if this was a hacker, they were at least trying to stay in character.
"Anyway, you aren't quite suited to cube and button based testing. Despite your martial arts training, you are not a fast runner. On top of that, my usual test subject isn't so heavy. In fact, she's starting to look pretty good right now."
I suppose I should've seen it coming though, of course she'd take a shot at my wei-
Hold on... how did she know I knew Karate?
"Wh-who are you!? What's happening!?"
She laughed her synthesized laugh, and I suddenly began to feel lightheaded.
"In any case, what I'm asking of you won't involve quite so much physical exertion, but you'll still be doing a service to the scientific community. Won't that make you feel special?"
Consorting with a homicidal AI was supposed to feel special? Unless she really was just an in character hacker with a vocal synthesizer, trying to get a rise out've a fan. Kind of like those people who waited at the bookstore for someone to purchase a volume of Harry Potter and yell out the names of all the characters that would die at the end of the series. No, this felt meaner than that. Damn them.
At least it wasn't HAL. I shuddered.
"If y-you're really who I think you are." I stammered. "H-how are you talking to me right now?"
"How about this? I'll spare our primitive mind the details and just show you."
Suddenly, my screen went dark - causing me to panic for a moment, thinking my computer might be either broken or compromised, or both - until a new image came up on my monitor. There was GLaDOS, dangling from her usual perch in the main AI chamber.
"Now, turn and look at that wall behind you."
Part of me was terrified to look, lest there be some random thug standing behind me, waiting for me to turn around so he could run me through. Wouldn't that be a headline? "Animation student falls prey to Portal themed murder." What would my friends think of that? What would Gabe Newell think of that?
I took a deep breath and braced myself. If I turned around quickly, maybe there was a chance I could dodge the attack and... oh who was I kidding? I had to get it over with! Off came the headphones, just in case they caught and tipped something over, like my beverage (I already had a bad habit of spilling Pepsi on my desk, some parts were still sticky despite being wiped down).
I quickly jumped up and spun round, knocking my swivel chair over in the process.
Nothing.
Well the wall was there, but that'd always been there.
That fiery, orange rimmed hole however, had not.
I must've looked like a deer caught in the headlights then, because whoever was really doing this was really blowing my mind!
If I hadn't been confused and terrified, I may have even been impressed! That really looked like a portal on my wall, and... hold on, it lead directly to GLaDOS's chamber!
And she was looking right at me!
Shit!
On the one hand, this was quite possibly the most convincing prank anyone had ever pulled on me. On the other, it had the potential to be dangerous. I've always told myself that if I encountered a portal to another world, I'd hop through and hope to find some way to become a warlock. On the other hand, this looked awfully like an Aperture portal, and venturing through would be a terrible idea.
"This can't be real." I breathed.
Or maybe it was.
Slowly, I approached the portal. GLaDOS never took her optic off of me, and I could see now that I was not looking at a game model. Whatever this was, this was starting to look pretty real.
"You still doubt what you're experiencing?"
This time, her voice was coming from the wall - no - beyond the wall, and sounded more real than anything my precious Sony headphones could offer.
I reached out for the portal - not sure if I wanted this to be real or merely an elaborate prank - and waited tor my hand to be stopped by the wall.
It didn't.
I was in shock! I'd managed to fit my entire forearm through the portal! My mind was spinning because by all accounts this was supposed to be impossible, but there was definitely a hole in the wall. I cautiously hooked my elbow around the rim, patting what I immediately recognized as cold ceramic tile, so I reached in further, and before I knew it I had a leg in...
What was I doing!?
I yanked myself back out.
"I was going to advise against lingering in the portal, but I see you've made a wise choice and removed yourself. Ordinary paint isn't a very good portal conductor."
She wasn't kidding either. I remembered watching a short film about the invention of the portal device - an interpretation by fans, of course - and while it offered up lead paint as a possible portal conductor, there was a time limit. I didn't want to end up like the kid who'd stood in the portal until it closed (and cut him in half).
I had no idea how old the building was, or even if there was lead paint on the walls - probably not.
"What do you want with me?" I called. "What kind of test do you have?"
The sound of a mechanical claw came forth, and for a moment I was afraid she might want to pull me through, so I stepped back.
"Would you please hold onto this until further notice?" She droned.
The claw swung in my direction, and I had to jump out've the way as something tumbled - noisily - through the inter dimensional doorway, stopping with a loud *THUMP* as it smacked the foot of my bed.
"OW!"
I can't say I wasn't stunned. GLaDOS had just offered me a souvenir, and I recognized that voice!
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a facility to run. This test will not be monitored. Thank you for your contribution to science."
The Portal imploded, leaving a stark white wall.
"Hullo?" Came a muffled voice from the carpet. "Lady? I seem to have landed face down, could you pick me up?"
My face lit up. Of all the science-y things GLaDOS could've unceremoniously tossed into my abode, she chose Wheatley. This must be my lucky day! He was my favourite character (not that I didn't love Chell, she was - and still is - awesome in her own right), and he was here in my bedroom! What fangirl wouldn't be jealous? Maybe somebody out there is already plotting my demise out've jealousy. I hope not...
I suppose it wasn't as awesome as a portal gun or long fall boots, but I could work with this. GLaDOS probably wouldn't trust me with any of the expensive equipment anyway, and she would be right not to. I would've definitely played with them. I'm not brave enough to jump off a roof but I'd still want to skip around in them, maybe cosplay. I have long dark hair, so I could pull off Chell if I pulled it back.
My scheming was interrupted by the core that was still trying very hard to right himself.
"Oh, sorry." I said as I rolled him over. I was surprised at how big he was in real life, he looked so small when he was being carried. If I has to put it in relative terms I'd say he was the approximate size of a large exercise ball.
"About time!" He scolded. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is to stare at the ground until someone comes along and sits you upright? It's madness! But since you came along and flipped me over, cheers for that! By the way, where is this? This isn't part of the facility is it?"
"N-no?" I shook my head.
"Oh you can talk! That's great! You have no idea how much easier that is for me, the last human I met didn't talk at all. Never said a word! Nope! Wouldn't even say "apple", just jumped up and down on the spot! Can't imagine why, I suspect she was brain damaged. Not that there's anything wrong with brain damage, aside from having it. You obviously don't want to have brain damage, but it's not bad, I mean it is, but it's not- who are you?"
He definitely sounded like Wheatley, referencing everything I expected him to reference - right down to Chell herself.
This was unreal!
"I'm Gabby." I said.
"Gabby? Huh, that's an odd sort of name. Do you just talk alot, and that's why they named you that?"
I couldn't breathe. He had no idea how delicious the irony was.
"Oi! What's so funny? I was just asking!"
"It's just, you're the one that talks alot." I wheezed, smacking the bedpost."
"Wot? Pfffft! I don't talk THAT much! Surely!"
I roared, pain blossoming in my side. He didn't like that, his eyelids, shutters(?) narrowed like he was giving me the stink eye. Pun not intended.
Damn GLaDOS, I hadn't expected you to provide entertainment like this. I figured that it wasn't intended as some sort of "You're a special snowflake, let me make your wildest fantasies come true as a gesture of our friendship" sort of gestures, she'd probably try to play all sorts of mind games with me had I been able to partake in her usual tests. She was probably dumping him on me so she wouldn't have to listen to his constant yammering. Maybe she figured it was a win-win because I wouldn't mind having him there anyway.
"So, how did you get back from space?" I asked once I'd calmed down.
"Oh that? How did you know about that?" His blue optic shrank in surprise. "I don't even know to be honest, I was just sort of floating around in the ol' void, and then I was falling! At some point it started to get really hot - and I mean REALLY hot, you have NO idea - and I must've shut down for a bit because I don't know what happened after that. Anyway, somehow I ended up back in her chamber - and I don't think she liked that, by the way, she didn't sound the least bit happy, not that I blame her. I DID kind of, sort of take over the facility and stuff her in a potato before - so she grabbed me and chucked me in here, wherever "here" is, you still haven't answered that actually. Not a clue where I am right now, nope!"
"Well, right now you're in my room." I explained. "I can't say I know why she threw you in here, I'm actually surprised to hear from her at all. I can tell you one thing, though, you are DEFINITELY not in the facility anymore."
He was obviously stunned by that. "Oh... well. That's an interesting development." His optic darted around the room. "So, uh... where is here, exactly?"
"In my dorm room." I paused, then added "on the surface."
His optic contracted again. "This is the surface? Really? I don't believe it, this is where the lady was going!" I wasn't sure what to say in response to that, so I just shrugged.
"You know, you look a bit like her, you do." He nodded as he scrutinized me. "Except your face is different, also you're very pale. Are you alright? Do you feel light headed at all?"
I rolled my eyes. I'd heard this many times before. Sometimes I'd take a trip to the Doctor or the Dentist's office and they'd occasionally note that if they hadn't seen me come in, they'd have thought I was about to pass out.
"I'm fine. My face - my skin is always like this!"
"Really? You know the lady spent lots of time indoors, and she wasn't nearly as pasty as you are, mate! Are you sure you aren't a vampire or something? You don't drink blood do you? Have you ever seen your reflection in a mirror?"
I shook my head frantically. "No! I'm not a vampire! I'm as human as Ch- I mean the lady." I caught myself before I gave her name. I knew what it was, but I wasn't sure he did, and I wasn't sure if she wanted him to. Better to stay on the good side of the characters you like, right? Unless they're a total jerk and turn on you, which I doubted Chell would. "Also I'm just white, just a bit paler than others."
His optic tilted in his hull, kind of like a curious puppy. "I'd say a very light shade of pink. Very light, but not pure white."
I let out a sigh. Of course he'd find something to fixate on, but did it have to be something dumb like that? I felt for Chell, she could walk away or ignore him but she didn't, possibly couldn't speak up to change the subject. Then again, the developers had stated that she probably could talk, she was just rendered speechless by the frustrating nature of her current situation.
"Come to think of it, you've got quite a bit more meat on your bones than she did, as well."
Really, Wheatley? Really? You too?
I would've expected this from GLaDOS, but not you!
I must've glared at him pretty hard, because he was backpedaling again. "Not that there's anything wrong with being, you know."
Then it occurred to me that I could be making use of my own voice, maybe to redirect his attention to something else. Anything else!
"Well, it's getting late." I yawned. "I should clean up and go to sleep."
"Wot? Is it that time already? Honestly, you humans sometimes! Always running out've steam in the middle of a riveting conversation!"
You don't say.
"I can't speak for any of the test subjects, but when the sun goes down, so do we."
He just sort of blinked, as if he were taking this in. "I don't think I've ever seen the sun. I mean I know what it is, but I can't say I've seen it. Well, not outside of space. In space I saw it all the time, but that's not the same thing is it? Not really. Nope! Totally different. Has to be!"
I shook my head, but at least the subject was changed.
"Oi! Where you going?"
"I have to get changed for bed. I'm a college student so I don't get much sleep, right now it's winter break so I kinda have to take the opportunity while I can." Especially since I was likely going to be busy dealing with him for the next little while. Come to think of it, GLaDOS hadn't exactly left me a "pick up" date.
"Why are you going in there to do it though?"
I shot him a look.
"Alright... alright." His optic darted from side to side. "Just asking, no big deal. Sorry..."
From the time I entered the bathroom to the time I came out, I could still hear him muttering to himself behind the door. I kind of smiled, because at the end of the day, it was just Wheatley being Wheatley, and that's part of why he was funny.
I didn't much like being the brunt of the joke, not that anybody does - I still don't know how Chell put up with all of it, I'd have to ask her if I ever got the chance. Assuming she'd talk to me. She might've even rolled her eyes at me, putting up with him at all - but I knew I was going to have to take the good with the bad. Maybe then I'd find him more tolerable.
But then, what would he think of me? What did he think of me so far? Aside from the traits he'd already commented on, there wasn't much to go by.
When I was done, I threw my clothes from the day in the hamper and went back out.
"Oh you're back!" He exclaimed. "Took you a while didn't it? I was getting worried that maybe you'd fallen in the toilet or something. Didn't hear a splash though, so I'm going to assume you didn't?"
I shook my head.
"I hope not - for your sake I mean - because that'd be disgusting." He shuddered and made a disgusted sort of noise. "Really disgusting. For you, I mean. I can't imagine it'd be fun to go swimming in your own waste, not at all - not that I'm judging if it so happens that there are humans out there who like that sort of thing, it's just not my idea of a good time. Nope! Not me! Still though, I respect your decision to sit in your own poo, even though I don't like to do that - sit in my own poo - not that I even make poo to begin with. I think it'd be really smelly and I just - I couldn't do it. Much too smelly."
Oh my god... he was really going there, wasn't he?
"You're laughing again! What is it with you? How is sitting in your own filth funny? Hmm? Answer me that!" He narrowed his shutters at me again. "Do you realise how insensitive that is? What about the people who like sitting in their own poo? It's - well it's offensive that's what it is! I may not like sitting in my own poo but at least I don't judge, I mean let's say for a moment that I DID like to sit in my own poo - but I don't, actually - and here you are judging me!"
"I'm not judging!" I laughed. "I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous and please stop you're killing me!"
Of course he'd fly off into a panic about that. He takes things quite literally sometimes, we've all seen it. I'd just never imagined what it'd be like if he were introduced to normal society. I'd expected him to ask about the more mundane things like the contents of my room.
Eventually, I did manage to get him calmed down, righted my chair, cleaned up my spilled beverage, and re-made the bed. I'd also moved him over by my computer desk, so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and trip over him. I just hoped his optic wouldn't be very bright in the darkness.
"Wheatley." I asked. "Do you have a sleep mode or anything?"
He nodded. "I do, why?"
"Humans prefer to sleep in the dark." I explained. "It's harder for us if it's very bright - unless we're completely exhausted - also if we can't sleep, we tend to be cranky the next day."
"Oh!" He nodded again. "Now that you mention it that explains some things..."
"I guess that's good." I wondered aloud. "Anyway, I'm going to turn off the lights and try to sleep now, so if you could go into sleep mode soon, that'd be great. Just for about..." I paused, trying to decide upon a realistic wake up goal for both of us. "10-12 hours?"
"Wot? That's a long time. Don't humans only need 8? Maybe 9?"
"I told you, I'm a college student. I'm on my break right now, but I had to work hard to get here and I'm more tired than I'd usually be. That's just what happens."
He seemed to accept that, or at least he didn't comment on it. It made me wonder if he was thinking, processing(?) back to when he was still helping Chell try to find her way out've the facility.
But that was before the core transfer. I doubted it was a good idea to bring it up, but at the same time, I really wanted to know what was going on in his mind at the time. How much of it had been him, and how much of it had been him being affected by the euphoria solution? Did he even know?
If the final cutscene were anything to go by, he seemed to regret his actions whilst under the influence. It still wasn't clear if he was in any kind of emotional distress - to whatever degree he was capable of being in any - as a result of it.
By this point, I was much too tired to do anything about it now, so I said goodnight and drifted off. I'd ask him later...