Asskicker Unlimited
By Diana Moon Glampers
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not even original characters. Steal whatever you want, I won't give a rat's ass.
Chapter 1
To Punish a Wormstiffer
"All right, asshole! Put 'em up, let's go! No magic, just fists! I'll beat you like a bowl of eggs!"
My rival, Terry stood in front of me with absolutely no clue as to what to do.
"You're a girl, Sarah. I can't fight you."
"What? You're some kind of chivalrous knight or some bullshit? I think you're just a bloody chicken! Cluck! Cluck! You're just scared because I'll kick your ass!" I shouted. My roommate, Alice whispered in my ear.
"Sarah, he's a tough guy. I don't think this is a good idea."
"Shut up. I can beat him up. He's just a bloody pansy."
I turned back to Terry and gave him a wicked smile. He started to back away.
"Come on and fight me, coward. Or are you not man enough to admit you'll lose to a girl?"
I took my shirt off and started growling.
"Sarah, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm flexing my muscles, can't you see?"
We both knew I didn't have any actual muscles, but in my head, I was strong as an ox! I moved closer to him and got into his face.
"Come on, asshole. You, me, no magic, just our fists. Come on."
"I don't want to fight you." Terry said.
I slugged him in the face.
"Well I do."
I readied myself to punch him again, until he pulled out his magic wand.
"Incarcerous!" He shouted.
Magic ropes poured out of his wand like snakes. I dashed out of the way as they dissipated into nothingness.
"Hey, I said no magic!"
"You are a crazy bitch. I don't want to have to hurt you." Terry said.
I tried to punch him again, until he cast another spell.
"Incarcerous!"
The magic ropes grabbed me by the arms and legs.
I tried to struggle to get away, but the ropes held me in place.
"Alice, get me out of here. I want to kick this guy's ass!"
She started to go toward me, until Terry grabbed her by the hand.
"No. She is crazy. She is an instigator. Don't let her go."
"Alice, if you don't set me free, I'm going to kick your ass when I'm done with Terry!" I threatened.
She flipped me the middle finger.
"Got to hell, Sarah." She walked away.
"Alice! Get back here, you little weenie!"
Terry shook his head.
"You're doing the right thing, Alice. Don't get sucked into this."
Terry turned to me.
"I'll let you go when you calm down."
I tried to spit in his face, but my mouth wasn't strong enough.
"See, you're way too angry. You need to calm down."
"I can calm down when you're crying in a fetal position, you wormstiffer."
He cocked his head.
"Wormstiffer?"
"You're a bloody wormstiffer, you know that? Now let me go and fight me like a real man!"
He shook his head again.
"What the hell does wormstiffer even mean?"
"You know damn well what it means. Now let me go. Unless you don't have any balls." I gave him a wicked smile again.
"I'd bet you're small in the pants. …Men care about what's in their pants, right?" I added. He ignored me.
Terry started to walk away.
"Hey, where the hell do you think you're going?" I said.
"I'm leaving you. You are a crazy bitch. I hope you get expelled."
I tried to struggle, but the ropes were too strong for me.
"Wormstiffer! You're a bloody wormstiffer! I'll beat you one day, Terry Cocksboro! Some day you will pay for being a fucking wormstiffer!"
I stood there, alone in the halls, bound at the arms and legs and unable to move. I was Sarah Salamandrus, a seventh year student at Hogwart's. I was not what you'd call a model student. I got into fights a lot, my grades were terrible, and all the teachers hated me except Professor Quirrell. He didn't mind me, but the others could all go to hell. My parents got letters home all the time whenever I did something wrong. They gave me a lot of shit whenever I got back from a semester, usually for stuff I forgot I even did.
My roommate and best friend was Alice. She was smarter and prettier than me and was also more interested in boys. She's had a few guys over the years and tended to get into a lot of doomed relationships. I think her current boyfriend was some fucker named Zack Swinesworth. He was one of those nerdy types, the kind that's fascinated by muggle shit. I don't know what Alice saw in Zack, but apparently they loved each other, so I had to deal with it.
Boys didn't really interest me, though. I was more into girls. Sadly, it was real hard to find other lesbians in Hogwart's. I don't think I was ever in a relationship before, which was kind of pathetic. I think a couple of guys tried to hit on me a few times, but I never went for that. Guys just don't get my blood pumping. I mean, they're not gross or anything. I just don't see what's so hot about them.
As I stood there, I heard someone walking through the hall.
"Is there an unruly student here?" Shit. It was Snape. Snape was a total hardass and hated my guts. I was probably in for detention or something. I tried to hop away, but it was too late.
"Miss Salamandrus, do I even have to ask what caused this?"
"Uh… I did it to myself?"
He shook his head.
"You are a horrible liar, Miss Salamandrus." He cast a spell to cut me free. I tried to escape, but he grabbed me by the wrist.
"Three days detention." He said.
"What? Three days? This is only worth one." I said.
"Don't argue with me unless you want to make it four." He said.
"I didn't do anything wrong!"
"You don't think I heard that scuffle you had with Terry Cocksboro? I am far more observant than you think, Miss Salamandrus."
"Why, dare I ask, did you want to fight him?" Snape said.
"How do you know I started it?"
"You're a natural instigator, Miss Salamandrus. I can read you like a book. Now why did you try to fight him?"
"He's a wormstiffer." Snape groaned.
"And what, pray tell, is a wormstiffer?"
"You wouldn't understand." I said.
"So, if I'm hearing this right, you started a fight for reasons that you cannot or will not divulge?" He said.
"Well, when you put it that way you make me sound like a bad person." I said with a smile.
"Don't play cute with me, Salamandrus. It may work on that idiot Quirrell, but it will not work on me."
Snape got out a paper and wrote a note.
"That's one day for a fight, another day for being half naked in the halls, and a third day for being a general menace to the learning environment. I am sure that your classmates will appreciate the points that you just lost them."
I gulped.
"This will be good for you, Salamandrus. Maybe you can spend less time getting into petty fights and more time on actual school work." He walked away. I put my shirt back on and left for my dorm.
I was a Hufflepuff, so the common room was always a pain in the ass to get into. The only way to enter was to do a secret door knock on some barrels to a specific rhythm and if you screw up you get splashed with vinegar. Whoever implemented this security system can go eat shit because I can't count the number of times my rhythm was off and I got vinegar in my eyes. I think I took it up with Sprout a few times, but she said that she likes the vinegar and thinks it's hilarious. I think she's a dumbass.
I walked through the commons room to my dorm. A few students stared at me. Alice probably blabbed to them that I tried to start a fight. I thought about screaming at them, but I needed to save my rage for Alice. She turned her back on me and I was going to yell at her so much she was going to go deaf.
Once I got to my room, I saw Alice, as usual, studying.
"Hey, Sarah." She said.
"Don't 'hey, Sarah' me, you traitor."
"Traitor?" Alice said, turning away from her work.
"You abandoned me back there. Why didn't you help me? I thought you were my friend?"
"Sarah, we go over this every time you start a fight with Terry. I don't want to get sucked into your drama."
"It's not drama. He's a wormstiffer. He needs to be punished." I said.
Alice sighed.
"You still won't tell me what exactly that means."
"Whatever. You wouldn't understand anyway."
I sat down next to her and reached under my bed for a bag of candy.
"You want some? I promise I won't give you the chili pepper flavored beans like I did last time." I said.
Alice smiled.
"Sure. I'll take some." I grabbed a handful of every flavored beans and split it between the two of us.
"Oh, this one's vomit flavored. You can have it." Alice said.
"I'll gladly take all the gross ones. I'm hardcore that way." I said with a smile. Alice passed me about a fourth of her beans.
"Shit, this must have been a bad bag." I said.
"Yeah, it was. Not all of them can be delicious, I guess."
"So, did you get in trouble?" Alice said once we were done.
"I got caught by Snape. Fucking bastard gave me three days detention. I would've gotten off scot-free if it were Quirrell." I said. Alice made a face.
"Why do you like him so much? He sucks."
"His class is easy and he likes me." I said with a smile.
"It's only easy because he skips half of the textbook. It's almost like he wants us to suck at defense against the dark arts." Alice said.
"It's okay to suck at it. It's a bullshit class anyway. I think he's the only cool teacher around here. All the others can go to hell." I said.