I do not own Supernatural, nor do I own any music, characters, or anything else that pertains directly to that universe. I do however, own this…idea? Spontaneous spewing of crack? And I hope you all enjoy!
Siyahamba is a Swahili (?) piece of music that I know from our choir, and…well, after listening to the lyrics a few times, you'll understand where Gabe is coming from. And I apologize right now if I offend anyone with any of the content in this fic! It was not my intentions and my sincerest apologies.
I wish you all a Happy (and safe!) Halloween!
-;-
Halloween, in the Winchester family, had never really been completely 'normal'. And even despite their numbers being down to two, (depending on if they counted their adopted family or not) this Halloween was sure not to disappoint.
Dean blinked, that immediate wakefulness coming to him in a quick burst of images and scents and…pain? Why the hell was he in pain? Groaning, he sat up, one hand automatically going to his stomach, where the pain was coming from, while the other went to his back, due to there being a strange weight on his chest.
Hold on.
He glanced down.
There were two things that the elder Winchester noticed.
The first was, of course, the sheets stained with blood.
"SAAAAAAAM!"
-;-
Sam, opposite his brother, didn't get a peaceful awakening. No, he got Dean screaming his name at the top of his lungs.
Instincts kicking in, the younger Winchester leapt out of bed and sprinted into the other room, only to stop dead at the sight that greeted him.
Dean…had breasts. And was currently staring at a small bloodstain on the sheets he (she?) was sitting on.
As if sensing his brother, Dean looked up, and immediately gaped in a mixture of shock and horror.
"You have boobs!?"
"You have your period!?"
"WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!?"
-;-
Heaven was quiet.
Too quiet.
"Siyahamb' ekukhanyen' kwenkhos'…Siyahamb' ekukhanyen' kwenkhos'!"
For those of the angels who had been around long enough to pick up on the many languages of the planet they semi-watched over, there were mixed reactions. Some shook their heads, others got slightly rabid looks in their eyes, and some…
Well, they knew exactly what was coming.
"Oh no. Not this again." One of the angels groaned, earning a quizzical look from his companion. "He does this every year…"
"Who?" the other angel asked curiously. Obviously, this one didn't quite realize the severity of what exactly it was that he was asking.
"Gabriel." The first whispered, warily looking around as if it might summon the Trickster from the shadows.
"We are maaaarching in the light of God, we are marching in the light of God!"
"What? Who's Gabriel?"
The music and drums grew louder, and the first angel paled before turning and running with a, "Too late! You're on your own!" thrown over his shoulder.
Before the second angel could even begin to wonder what those words could possibly mean for him, he found out the hard way. By having said angel poof into existence right in front of him.
The only thing was, though, that this Gabriel was clearly not the one that had been mentioned in the stories as being the messenger of God. Actually, it was hard to tell if this was even Gabriel. This Gabriel was clad in nothing but a loincloth, and regardless of how attractive said angel was, it didn't really alter the fact that he was in a loincloth. Oh no, and it got better.
Gabriel was also wearing large beads around the feathers of his three pairs of wings, which looked odd no matter how you wanted to see it, and what appeared to have been fingerpaint spattered onto his skin.
It was then that the angel was exposed to the full force of the male.
-;-
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL'!? I'M BLEEDING FROM MY GENITALS!"
"Dean, breathe." Sam sighed for the nineteenth time, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Once a month, a woman loses the lining of her uterus. Trust me, you're not dying."
Dean shot his (her) brother (sister) a sour glare. "It feels like I'm fucking dying."
"I didn't say that women lost the lining of their uterus while feeling like they were floating on fluffy candy clouds, dude." Sam deadpanned, crossing his arms over his well-endowed chest that he had gained from unexpectedly becoming female. "I was with Jessica long enough to know that if we didn't have ibuprofen, all hell would break loose."
"I pray to God you have some, Sammy." Dean cringed, whimpering into her pillow, "Because I think my organs are trying to crawl out my ass."
"They are not."
"Are too."
"You're being overdramatic." Sam huffed.
"And you're not freaking out enough!" Dean shot back, jolting up into a sitting position. "How are you being so calm about this? We mysteriously turned into women! Am I at least hot? My voice sounds hot; and daaaamn, little sister, you've got a nice pair of…what, D's on your chest?"
"Coming from the one who's got the largest ass I've ever seen in my life." Sam muttered, running a hand through her shoulder length mane. "I'm going to get some clothes on. And then I'm going to go out, and I'm going to buy bras. You can stay here and feel sorry for yourself."
"Bring me back some pie."
"Yeah….you'll be juuuust fine." The younger Winchester muttered as she exited the room, shaking her head. Some things just never would change, despite the many factors that were thrown their way on a daily basis.
Hopefully, nothing else would change today. Sam didn't know how long she would be able to last if anything else drastic happened. And on Halloween, no less.
-;-
Lucifer glanced up from the ground he was sitting on, the cards in his hands momentarily forgotten. Brows furrowing, he looked over to Adam, who merely shot him a quizzical look in return.
"You hear something?" Lucifer asked.
Adam shook his head, but then paused. The faint, but distinct sound of drums could be heard over the other bickering members of their poker game, and then the pair paled. They knew what those sounds meant for them. And unfortunately, there was no escape for them, no matter how hard they tried.
"I guess it's that time of the year again, huh?" Adam asked with a smile, though said expression was extremely strained.
"Yep." Lucifer replied, pulling out a pair of earplugs.
-;-
It was a good thing, Sam thought to herself, that she (he) had been with Jessica. Because otherwise, she would have never been able to find the lingerie section in the store she walked in. Even better was that she was very good with math and was able to roughly estimate what size she and Dean were in the chest area and efficiently grab what she needed before getting out of there at the speed of light. The best was that she remembered to grab extra-strength ibuprofen while she was at it.
By the time that she arrived back at the motel room, there was silence. Cautiously, Sam entered Dean's room, preparing for the worst, only to find that her sister (brother) had retreated to the bathroom.
"Dean, I'm back." She announced, putting down the bags and pulling out her secret weapon that she'd gotten at the check-out; chocolate. "And I brought chocolate."
It only took a second, and then several seconds of scrabbling, before a short haired, narrow-eyed woman poked her head out from the bathroom and then fully emerged, honing in on the chocolate like a starving dog before holding out one hand expectantly. Without hesitation, Sam handed it over, not feeling any remorse.
"I still think it's weird how calm you are about this." Dean muttered through a mouthful of chocolate. "You'd think that you'd be the one wondering why the hell this happened and how to fix it. But you're not."
"Is that supposed to be an insult?"
"Did you take it as one?"
"Nope."
"Then no. Hey, have you seen Cas? I could have sworn that he was here last night. You don't think he ended up with all this mumbo jumbo too, do you?"
The mere thought of their resident angel even remotely becoming female caused Sam to snort and then cough, having managed to inhale spit at the same time. There was just something not quite right about that mental image.
"No. Actually, I don't think he was here this morning, either." Sam mused, shifting her weight onto one hip. "You think he had something to do with it?"
"Him or one of his fucked up relatives." Dean shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time something like that's happened."
"Point. Well, if you want to get dressed, I bought a couple of bras in the sizes I think you are. Feel free to try them on and let me know if they fit properly."
"Right. Boobs. How do women actually live? These things are heavy. Yours look like they're even worse." Dean commented offhandedly, now empty hands going to cup aforementioned body parts and looking mildly horrified. "Actually, how is it that women can go around all the time and not feel like curling up in a hole and dying? Because frankly, I'd love to do that right now."
"No idea. But remember, Dean; they're an entirely different race than men. I mean, come on. They can shove out a nine pound miracle from their-"
"Sam, I swear, if you finish that sentence your hair will be purple by tomorrow morning."
-;-
The day passed quickly, and by the time the night rolled around, most issues had been resolved. Sam had had a few issues with the concept of bras, while Dean…
Well, Dean learned what sort of things were used during 'Shark Week'. And he had been very vocal in the process. In fact, Sam was sure that he never wanted to be born a woman. Ever.
Cas had eventually showed up, around noon, bearing gifts of lunch. At seeing the state of the pair of Hunters however, he got a look in his eye that quite frankly made Sam nervous and Dean unamused; basically meaning that he came up with as many theories as possible. The most common, of course, being that one of his psychotic siblings had been up to no good.
They'd gotten a confused phonecall from Ash, too. Apparently all demonic signs had completely vanished everywhere in the United States. And from the looks of it, everywhere else in the world. It was completely and utterly baffling, and no one could really come up with a logical explanation as to why. This resulted in Dean growling out something about conspiracies and locking herself in the bathroom for a half hour. Sam didn't know what she did, and she really didn't want to know what her brother did, but by the time that the elder Winchester came back out, there was an extremely pleased smirk on her features.
"Gabriel is responsible for this. I am sorry. I did not think that he would go so far this year."
"Jesus! Cas, give us a little warning next time, would you?" Dean swore, jumping before wincing, hand going to her abdomen. "And Sam, toss me the bottle of goodness, would you?"
"Dean, you're not having another one. You had one twenty minutes ago." Sam retorted, not even bothering to glance up from her computer.
"But Saaaaaam…." The blond whined, batting her eyelashes.
"No."
"Ugh. You're no fun. Anyway, what were you saying, Cas?"
The dark haired angel in the trenchcoat shuffled his feet awkwardly, not meeting eye-contact. "My brother- Gabriel. He is responsible for all of this."
"The lack of demonic presence, too?"
Cas made a face. "Yes, that too."
"How?" Sam inquired, definitely wanting to know the answer to that one. However, Cas shook his head grimly.
"You do not want to know."
"Oh, I think we want to know." Dean grinned. "Go on, it can't be that bad."
"We are maaaarching in the light of God, we are marching in the light of God!"
"Oh, yes it can." Cas grimaced, hands going to cover his ears as the sound of what seemed to be African drums began to sound somewhere in the distance. "Every year, he does this. All of us retreat here to hide from it."
"So…all the angels are running from an angel to Earth, which scares all the demons back to whichever hole they crawled out of. Makes sense." Dean nodded, looking pleased with herself. "But that still doesn't explain how the hell we're going to get back to normal."
"It will wear off by tomorrow. Hopefully."
"I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER DAY LIKE THIS?"
"Happy Halloween, Dean." Sam snorted.