The Bad in Each Other
A/N:
L Lawliet.
Otherwise, known as L, the World's Greatest Detective in the Death Note universe. This is for his birthday. Keep in mind that I'm going with the Manga birthdate.
October 31, 1979.
…He would be turning 34 this year.
…Happy Birthday, L.
Is Nothingness good to you?
Disclaimer: As if it isn't obvious enough…I do not own ANYTHING concerning the Death Note universe. The visualization of Nothingness is. Everyone has their own view towards of what Nothingness is. This is my interpretation. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Quotes used are from the story "Antigone," unless other wise stated.
I don't know you…
But I know what you did to her.
She told me…
And I happen to believe her too.
They will be three steps behind. You will not know what's got you.
Oh so you're sorry now?...
Hold your breath…
'Till it's over…
There's something left…
Underwater.
"We Build, Then We Break" by The Fray
If there was one thing that had always perplexed L, it was human emotion. He felt them, obviously. He is, after all human; a stony and monotonous one, but human nonetheless.
He wasn't senseless; he just couldn't understand them.
What made them so difficult to comprehend? Were they really necessary?
All they did was distract you from your goal.
That's why, when he felt his chest tighten or hurt for one reason or another, he would disregard it and push it away.
Perhaps that was his fault: Under no circumstances, wanting to understand his human side…
…or rather, not wanting to be human…
The beginning…is dim.
Fractured.
His parents' faces are blank. Were they as odd looking as he is? Who had his dark, penetrating gray eyes? Which suffered with abundant, black hair that flew in all directions? Who had his intimidating intelligence?
Eventually, those questions faded. They became irrelevant as L knew that he would never meet them. Why would he want to?
The orphanage was…filthy. Disgusting. The keepers never knew how to manage that dump of an institution.
Maybe that's why L bathed frequently. He could not stand having his hair oily for more than a few hours. That's why he held everything with two fingers.
Everything seemed contaminated to him.
It was also loud in the institution. Children were always crying or screaming as they played with each other. Those filthy, unintelligent offspring.
Perhaps, that is why he sealed himself in a silent room most of the time as he worked on his cases. His mind needed a rest from those rowdy children…
Things become clearer at the gate of Wammy's House.
Watari looked down at him but L refused to look at him in the eye. He chose to gaze at his new home instead. Watari looked away from him and opened the gate.
While this, the bell ringed.
…It is unusually loud today…
"Ryuzaki."
The detective blinked and turned to look at the young man behind him. "Yes, Light-kun?"
"Are you alright?"
I don't know. I don't know how feel. He wanted to say. Can you tell me how I feel?
Light's eyes were unusually narrowed. Naturally, they were lively and innocent. Now…the cinnamon colored eyes seemed gloomier and just plain disturbing.
What happened to you? Did you lose yourself, Kira?
L wasn't foolish. He could read the young intellectual behind him like a book. Light wasn't concerned about his mental health. He was just putting on a show to mock his very existence.
"Yes, Light-kun," He responded with his usual dull tone. "I'm fine."
A small smirk crept Light's face as he shrugged. "Okay. If you say so."
Usually, Light would give him a suspicious look before dismissing the matter. L knew why he didn't now.
You really have lost yourself, haven't you, Light? You can read me as well as I read you.
Slowly, L stood from his chair and made his way to Watari's office…
…The bells are unusually loud…
"What is it, Ryuzaki?" Watari asked.
L stood there for a moment.
You never actually favored me, did you? I was nothing more than an invention to you, right?
He blinked and cleared his throat. This usually stopped the pain in his chest.
You used me. You created me. You are an inventor, after all.
…Why does knowing that make my chest hurt?
He blocked his raging thoughts. "Watari, should anything happen to you or me, I want you to delete all files in our database."
Comprehension settled on Watari's face immediately.
"Yes, L."
L nodded and left the room. The aching returned, instantly. The bells got louder.
You were the only person in my life, Watari…
And you never cared.
…I never cared about you either.
In the end, we used each other.
Instead of making his way to the main room, he dragged his feet to the roof of the building.
"Ryuzaki, what are you doing here?" Light asked in a casual tone as he stepped closer to him. His aggravated expression betrayed his voice. Secretly, L had always found enjoyment in Light's frustration. The boy had the most fascinating and expressive reactions.
L stared emotionlessly at him.
I'm preparing to die…I suppose. He wanted to say. But no, L's pride would never allow him to say such things. Instead, he opted for the safest route: A personal question. A question that everyone can answer…but answer incorrectly.
"Have you ever lied, Light-kun?" L inquired softly as the rain poured relentlessly on the two geniuses.
Light smiled. "Well, of course I have L. Everyone does."
You misunderstand, Light-kun. What I meant was, have you ever lied to yourself?
…I have. Numerous times.
The strange detective looked down. "Yes…I suppose they do."
The ache was becoming unendurable and the bell was so loud that a migraine was beginning to form.
…I just want to know if—
"C'mon L." Light said, in an oddly soothing voice. "We're soaking wet."
It's going to happen, isn't it? I'm going to die? He wanted to question. But, as usual, he pushed his feelings away to whatever bottomless pit he created for himself.
He…he just didn't want to acknowledge them…
His wide eyes stared at Light as the young man held him. The embrace was so cold that it almost distracted him from the fiery agony the heart attack was giving him. L wanted to kick the boy away and annihilate him for the unsympathetic comfort.
I hate you. God…I hate you, Light Yagami.
The bell overrode Matsuda's yelling.
Light…no Kira, smiled at him. His sneer was the pure embodiment of evil.
I knew it…L thought. I knew it was you…but I…
The burning stopped. He suddenly started feeling limp and cold.
…So…heavy…
…So….fatigued…
L closed his eyes slowly, not bothering to fight the emotionless embrace of Death himself.
The bell had stopped.
Everything was inaudible.
L rested.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…
…L's consciousness flickered to life. Despite this, he was numb and in the dark.
It remained this way for extended period of time. It could've been days, weeks, months, or even ages. Stuck with only his thoughts, L yearned for his skinny and pale body. He longed to see something else other than the color black.
And then, it happened.
It started at his toes. A blazing sensation spread throughout L's body; it was like being dunked in acid, lit on fire, and branded all over, all at the same time. It was incredibly agonizing; he would've screamed if he had his voice.
It gradually eased away.
When the pain left from his fingertips, he shot his eyes open.
L slowly stood up and observed the peculiar environment. The floor was lukewarm water that reached to his toes. The sky was a light blue and it was partly cloudy.
That was it.
The sky mirrored stunningly against the water, and it left L captivated for a few moments.
Where am I?
L shoved one of his hands into one of his cavernous pockets, and started gnawing on his thumbnail on the other. He took another look at the remarkable scenery before walking ahead. L wasn't certain where he was headed…but he knew that he would find answers if he kept moving along.
L walked until the sun, or whatever it was, started setting. The cloudy sky turned orange and it had imperfections of purples and blues.
How endless can it be? Is this place as absolute as it seems?
L stopped, fatigue suddenly spreading through him. He fell to his knees and took a last glance to the darkening sky. He gently collapsed to the floor and fell asleep.
"Watari?"
Watari looked up from his files and saw an adolescent L standing by the doorway, staring intently at him.
"Yes, L?"
"Where is our next case at?" L asked, gently.
"Colorado."
A genuine smile spread across the young detective's lips. "You've told me that it's very green there…and that people are very kind too."
Watari smiled nostalgically. "Based off of my experience there, yes. Would you like to go hiking?"
"I have to walk?"
Watari chuckled. "Yes, L. I understand that you despise any form of exercise, or any form of movement—"
L scoffed.
"—, but I will make sure to make it worth your time."
The young genius wasn't budging.
"…I'll supply you with an enormous amount of sweets?"
L crossed his arms. "That seems reasonable."
"Alright then." Watari said, turning back to his paperwork. "I'll make arrangements."
L opened his eyes slowly. His back popped as he sat up and looked around. The water from the ground was gone and it was replaced with some white, dusty floor.
The detective stood up, looked around, and took a deep breath. He continued his journey.
As the odd man walked on, he noticed that the white floor was becoming covered with patches of grass.
Inevitably, the world became a grassland.
L looked towards the distance and saw a forest similar to the one he visited in Colorado.
He became twitchy and speed walked towards it, a small smile forming on his full lips. As soon as he reached the borders of the forest, he began running. L's rounded back straightened and his eyes shined with childlike purity; an innocence he never explored. The small smile became a huge grin as he kept running.
L was never the one to exercise in his spare time. With that, the candy-loving detective didn't get far.
He lay on the dirt, panting, but smiling. He stared at the sky and wondered why he had never learned to appreciate this.
Because I never allowed myself to. I never saw the logical point behind it.
…Was it worth it all? Did I ever do what made me feel better? Was I ever happy?
He decided to not answer that question.
The sky was darkening, and L sat next to a tree. The moon was full and it shined brightly.
The detective closed his eyes, sighed, and went to sleep.
For once in his life…he had felt peaceful.
The nineteen year old detective shivered as he walked in the snow in New York.
He wondered if Watari was looking for him.
He wasn't running away…he just needed a break. He wasn't even sure what made him buy a plane ticket and leave England. He remembered Watari telling him that one of his spies had been killed after he had been discovered.
That had never happened before.
The moment Watari left the room, something snapped inside the young detective.
His hands started shaking and he blanked out. The next thing he knew, he was on a plane to New York without Watari.
L hugged himself to keep warm. He tried not to think about the message. He tried not to think at all.
He shivered and held himself closer as he crossed the street.
The wind blew harder.
L curled into a tighter ball. It was so cold.
I never wanted to remember that…ever again…
It reminded him of the day that Ukita died. He felt like an abomination that day.
When L opened his eyes, he immediately noticed that the forest was gone. The ground was white and dusty again. He stood up, and held himself closely. He was in a hallway made of mirrors. He took a look at his reflection on one of them. His lips were chapped, pale, and becoming a blue tone and his round, gray eyes remained the same. His hair still stood up in all directions and his usual pale skin now looked dead.
The detective trembled. It's so cold…
"You made it this way."
L looked up.
"Who's t-there?" He asked, his teeth chattering from the cold.
The voice didn't respond. L walked towards the end of the hallway, hoping to find the source of the voice.
It sounds so familiar…
As he walked on, he noticed that his reflection was becoming…bizarre. There was just something off about it.
At the end of the hall, there was a round room filled with mirrors.
"You made it this way." The voice whispered behind him. L looked at one specific mirror and realized that it had been his reflection speaking to him this whole time. At this point, it did not shock him; he has seen worse things.
"W-what did I d-do?"
"Everything."
L approached the image slowly. "I-I don't understand…"
"You killed them."
The detective stayed still for a moment. "I…I didn't. I didn't mean to. It wasn't my fault."
"You still killed them, L."The Other L whispered as it stepped closer.
"I-"
"And what about those victims you never managed to save?"
"It was inevitable!" L shouted, losing whatever control he had.
The copy grinned sinisterly. "Stop lying to yourself. Why are you in the habit of doing that?"
Please…L begged internally. Stop…
The grin from The Other L suddenly dropped and it was replaced with a blank expression. There was something about the image's face that terrified L enough to freeze him in his place.
"You're a monster." The Other L spoke with an unconditional coldness. "Monsters should be gone. Killed."
The reflection suddenly crashed through the mirror and tackled L to the ground.
It started to choke the panicking detective.
"N-NO!" L gasped. With that, the twin's grasp became tighter.
"Die, L." It cooed disturbingly. "Everything will be better afterwards."
Not like this…
L grabbed a large piece of glass and impaled The Other L in the abdomen. The reflection screamed and L proceeded to get on top of him.
Ruthlessly, L stabbed The Other L persistently, horrified, in a trance-like state. When L stopped, he released the glass and looked at his victim.
The Other L was unresponsive and blood pooled out of his mouth and from the wounds. In bewilderment, L stood up and ran away from the body.
"The inflexible heart breaks first, the toughest iron cracks first, and the wildest horses bend their necks at the pill of the smallest curb."
L wasn't sure how he got out of the mirror room.
In fact, he wasn't sure about anything anymore. What had occurred left him disoriented and stunned. He kept tripping over his feet and his slouch seemed to have gotten worse. He held himself tightly to seek whatever pathetic comfort he had to offer to himself.
"L…"
L turned his head to the left and saw nothing. No.
"…Listen."
L walked faster, lethargy spreading to his muscles. Go away.
"L…you're a monster…" It spoke kindly, comfortingly.
"SHUT UP!" L shrieked into the emptiness, bringing his hands to his hair, clenching it painfully.
A moment passed, and the detective realized that the voice had ceded away. When he released his hands, he noticed that they were red.
…No…
He looked at his shirt, which was suddenly becoming stained with blood. He removed his shirt, wincing in pain, eyes widening.
He had stab wounds just like The Other L.
How…why?...
He placed his shirt on the hot, sticky, blood, hissing in pain. Willfully, he continued forward sluggishly, refusing to back down against something so frightening.
I can…I can do this…
He collapsed to his knees, breathing heavily.
"No. You can't."
The detective groaned as he gave up, hitting the floor head first, fainting. The blood soaked through his shirt.
"You told the children you consider yourself a monster." Watari said. He wasn't irritated nor upset, he was merely curious about the detective's peculiar answer to the little girl's inquiry.
"…Yes. Yes I did."
"Is it true?"
L looked away from his files slowly, considering his answer. "Yes Watari, it's true."
"L, everyone lies."
"…Are you attempting to comfort me, Watari?" L asked softly, his voice hinting impatience.
"L-"
"Watari. I know what I am. I know I cannot change my wrong doings. I would prefer if you let them be."
"You don't want to face them?"Watari probed, knowing he hit a nerve.
"I've faced them before." L said with frustration, as he threw the files onto the table roughly, the papers making a loud slap against the wooden table. "I just don't want to remember."
Watari knew better than to keep inquiring. "Of course, L."
L opened his eyes unwillingly, the dirt staring back at him. As he regarded his surroundings, he recognized that he was back in the forest.
He checked his chest and saw clean scars from the stab wounds he apparently inflicted upon himself.
The white shirt he clenched in his hands was white and clean with no blood stains.
Was it all truly a nightmare?
L slipped his shirt back on, stood up, and began walking deeper into the forest. With all his strength, he held back tears that threatened to run down his pale face.
I just don't want to remember…
"My own blind heart has brought me from darkness to final darkness."
For a long time, the forest was pure tranquility. The sun beat down the environment gorgeously, making the tall trees beam occasionally. Moss built against the trees and casual logs that scattered across the dirt and grass. Dew formed on the tiny flowers and birds peeped and sang.
It was something out of a fantasy book…and L didn't mind one bit.
And then, the sky became grey. Again, L didn't mind at all. Even when it started pouring, he didn't care as rain was soothing to him. If the detective had the choice, he would've liked nothing more than to sit there in the rain for the rest of eternity.
Inevitably, it happened; the source of the voice came back to him.
L had his eyes closed as the rain drizzled onto him. At first, it was nothing more than a hum that the detective easily disregarded with the sound of the rain.
"L..."
That was too nearby.
L turned around deliberately and saw The Other L sitting too close for comfort. Before a scream could be released from the detective's lungs, The Other L covered his mouth with his pale, skeletal hand.
L struggled the iron grip. "Mmff!"
"Shh." The copy smirked. "I'm not going to hurt you."
Liar.
L bit The Other L's hand so hard that he drew blood. The reflection wailed in pain and L kicked him away.
The detective stood up and wiped the blood from his mouth. "Stay away from me."
The duplicate stood up painlessly and laughed obsessively. "No. You need to remember, L."
"I…I don't want to."
The Other L stalked towards him, popping his neck, smiling alarmingly. "But I want you to remember…" it purred disturbingly. The smile dropped and was replaced with a deep frown.
That was L's cue to turn around and run. The reflection growled sadistically and chased after him.
The entity was fast. L had to make constant sharp turns, slide under logs, and make sure not to slip on the mud. Any mistake could result in an uncontrolled attack from The Other L.
As the detective ran, he noticed the air was getting a rotten odor. It was almost as if he was getting closer to a bloody massacre…
"GET BACK HERE!"
L ducked from the attempted scratch, gasping in surprise. He turned a sharp corner, only to regret it as he started tumbling downhill. He stopped rolling when his head hit a sharp rock. Disorientated, he stood up, groaning, checking the area his head hit. Unsurprisingly, the area was bleeding abundantly.
"L!"
The detective began running away again, ignoring the bleeding. Eventually, he came to a cliff overlooking a red sea.
L's eyes widened in comprehension and looked down the cliff. People were swimming towards a specific direction, screaming, crying in agony and rage.
He recognized one person from the crowd.
…Soichiro Yagami?!
Before L could figure out what was going on, The Other L grabbed him from behind and began carrying him towards the edge of the cliff.
"No!" L yelled, struggling. "I don't want to go there!"
"That's where you belong."
The detective was now hanging over the edge. "I DON'T BELONG THERE! LET ME GO!"
"Goodbye, L."
"NO PLEASE-"
The Other L released the detective and watched him fall to the bloodbath.
When L came out of the water, he looked around frantically. The screaming people were crowding around someone, not noticing that a monstrous wave was headed towards them. L took a deep breath and braced himself.
The wave sunk him into the unfathomable underwater. L struggled to swim back up, and when he did, another strong wave brought him lower than the last one. The blood-filled water filled his lungs and taste buds. At this point, the detective was too fatigued to struggle against the harsh waves.
He sank, lower and lower into the vast red sea.
At some point, L only heard screaming loud enough to penetrate the profound water.
…So many voices…
It wasn't his water-filled lungs that troubled him. It was not that he would stay in this punishing world, not knowing if he was going to suffer the next day or not at all.
It was a specific voice. A cry, to be more precise. It was familiar and it was the most ear-piercing of all.
"NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!"It yelled violently.
L closed his eyes. …So familiar…
"HELP ME!"
It sounded further away.
Unconsciousness swept over L deliciously.
The detective crawled on the sand, coughing the water out. When it all seemed to be out of his system, he rested on the dirt and curled into ball to keep warm.
Before L could fall asleep, he heard rustling and someone coughing violently near him.
After the coughing stopped, all sort of sound stopped between them.
"…How…"
The voice was all too familiar.
"…L…why are you here?"
…Light…L mused internally, sleepily.
…You're alive.
L woke up from the dreamless sleep and stared at the white ground again. When he remembered what had occurred, he shot up and looked around frantically for the boy who had killed him.
Light was sprawled across the ground, somewhat far away, sleeping peacefully.
…L stalked towards him and kicked the boy's stomach as hard as he could.
Light shot his eyes open and coughed. "What the-"
The detective interrupted him by grabbing him roughly by his shirt, and punching him square on the face. He dropped the boy unceremoniously right after that.
Light growled and tackled the detective to the ground. "Is that how you greet your friend, L?" He began punching the detective ruthlessly until L kneed him in the abdomen, making the murderer lose his breath again.
L took this opportunity to wrap his arms around Light's neck and he proceeded to choke him.
Light struggled against him, scratching L's face with his long fingernails, turning a pale blue. "Let…me…go…"
"I wasted my life on you, Yagami. A life I never had the chance to experience." L hissed dangerously. "An eye for an eye, remember?"
What made L stop wasn't a sudden epiphany on how he lacked morality. Also, it wasn't that he realized that he was becoming like the murderer he was choking.
What made him stop, was seeing the young man cry.
"Please…" He breathed, a tear running down his face. "I…don't want…to die…again…"
L dropped Light rudely once more and stepped away from the coughing man.
"Again?"
Light looked up at him, regarding him heatedly. "…I've been here…a while."
As Light recovered, L took a good look at the man. Light had aged noticeably on his face and his hair was slightly longer. He was wearing the same black attire he wore during his confinement. What had disturbed L the most was Light's skin. It looked slightly paler and it looked as if you could stretch it for miles.
"What happened to you, Light?" L asked without reserve. "You look awful."
Light stood up, eyes narrowing dangerously. "What do you mean?"
"Your skin…it looks strange."
"…That's your concern?!"
L nodded, chewing on his thumbnail.
"…What had occurred with Kira got to me, to say the least." Light muttered, looking away from the detective.
"Ah. So…who caught you?"
"Your successor, Near." Light spat.
"How old were you when-"
"L!"
"What is it, Light?"
"How did you find me?" Light demanded.
"…I was forced into it, to say the least." L said quietly, not wanting to remember the awful grin The Other L had when he threw him into that damned bloodbath.
Comprehension settled on Light's face.
Perhaps even the murderer was hunted down by wicked memories. The conversation was ending between them and L began walking away, wanting to keep moving forward.
"Wait. Where are you going?" Light asked, stopping him.
"…I'm leaving." L responded dully. "I don't want to stay here. I want to keep moving."
Light shifted in his feet. "You're leaving me?"
"…Is there a problem with that?"
L could already sense Light's isolation and fear of this world. It was so infinite that who knew when he'd meet another soul.
Admittedly, L didn't want to face it unaided either. Wouldn't it be better if both stuck together and helped each other when one was too far gone?
Then again, this is Light. He is more narcissistic than Narcissism himself and had a pride big enough to compete with the vast world of Nothingness.
To top it off, he is psychopathic with a God Complex.
What a great guy. L muttered internally to himself.
"I was just asking." Light said casually.
There goes your pride again, Light-kun.
L nodded and walked away from the murderer. He could feel gifted, attentive eyes staring at him as he left.
"…a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride."
L walked far enough to the point that Light had disappeared from his sight.
"L!"
Did he ever mention that Light was spoiled and stubborn? It seemed he was willing to let his pride go at desperate times.
L turned around and saw Light jogging towards him. "Yes, Light-kun?"
The man stopped in front of him and took a deep breath. He held his hand out.
A handshake.
"I know you'll never forgive me for what I've done." Light said. "But…you and I both know we'll have a better chance here if we're together."
L restrained a huge smile. "…This is your way of telling me that you were wrong all along, correct?"
"L-"
"And that you let your pride get the best of you-"
"L-
"And that I was right-"
"L!"
L shook his hand, a small smile spreading across his face. "Okay then. We'll stay together."
Light nodded and proceeded to walk beside L.
"Tell me Light-kun, how does it feel to lose?"
Light punched his shoulder. "Don't push it."
"An enemy is an enemy, even dead."
There were times when things were calm…
And then there were times when things became too extreme.
When L and Light fought, it was without mercy; it always ended when one knocked out the other.
When it came to their nightmares coming true, or when their hallucinations became too real, it was a different story.
An example would include when L blanked out on Light.
In a comatose state, L would not move or speak for a long time. Light shook him and yelled at him to get him back to reality. When L came back, he only told Light that he was talking to someone he knew.
In reality, he had been running away from The Other L.
The other example would include when Light attacked L, thinking that it was someone, as told by Light, which tried to kill him when he had first arrived in Nothingness.
Things were never easy.
But there were times when their minds allowed them to rest.
L and Light sat on the white ground, staring at the sunset.
"This is rather cliché." L said.
Light chuckled a bit. "True."
"…Light-kun, do you think we'll be okay."
"I'm not sure L." Light responded quietly. "We're just going to have to hope for the best."
"…Right."
L knew things weren't always going to be alright. But, as Light said, he could only hope for good things.
…And just thinking that lifted his spirits a bit.
a/n: Sorry for any misspells. I'm sleepy =3=
If this does well, I'll post a chapter on Light's experience in Nothingness.