A/N: Cool, I wrote a oneshot! And it has Harry Potter in it! Okay, so this story was brought to life when I was reading a random HP/FMA crossover fic, and got inspired. And there's no real beginning to it. That's why it starts all cutoff like that. Just bear with me, 'kay? I randomly decided to write this down, because I thought it was funny. Still do. Hope youenjoy it.
Oh, and in here, Ed and Will are somehow the DADA professors. Even though they're like, seventeen. But whatever. My fic, my rules. And Will is my OC from "A Girl Named William", my soon-to-be-posted new multi-chaptered FMA story. If you want to know more about her, go read that. Or just go read it for the hell of it. I'll love you forever if you do!
And don't get mad at me about the description of how automail works. Because I really have no idea. I just made it up. Except for the nerve-attatching part. That they actually tell you in the manga. So yeah. Just thought I'd add that.
Warnings: Language and bad innuendos. Wait, that's it? Wow, something must be wrong with me... And the pairing is HETEROSEXUAL! That's like... one out of two guyxgirl pairings I actually support (just in case you were wondering, I know most of you don't care, the other is RoyxRiza). Geez, I'd better get some sleep before I start doing something REALLY weird, like writing super short authoress's notes...
Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue. Capiche?
Now, on with da ficcy!
The three paused at the door. It seemed like Ed and Will were arguing inside.
"Do you think we should come back later?" Hermione whispered, not wanting to disturb their unusual professors. "They sound like they're busy…"
"Don't touch it! No, leave me alone! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT THING!" Ed yelled, and it sounded like he was trying to run away.
"Maybe he needs help," Ron suggested.
"Just get over here, ya sissy! It's not like I can make it any worse…"
"Yes you can! You're not Winry, you know!"
"Of course I'm not! But I'm not stupid, either. I can fix basic things if I put my mind to it."
"Stay away!" There was the sound of someone, probably Ed, tripping over a desk, and quiet cursing.
"Get over here, before I chuck this screwdriver at your goddamn head!"
"ARGH! It's Resembool all over again… Fine, fine. Just promise to not kill me?"
"Sure, whatever. Now sit down and let me see it."
A brief silence, then a gasp. "What happened?"
"Something snapped. I heard a snap."
"Where?"
"Near the elbow, I think."
There was silence in the classroom, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at each other. "Should we knock?"
Hermione looked unsure. She didn't want to interrupt their teachers, whatever they were doing. "I think we can. I don't hear-"
She didn't finish, because there was a triumphant "Aha!" from inside the room.
"I did it! I fixed it! Whoo!"
CLANG!
"Oh, shit."
The three outside the door shared a surprised glance at their professor's language, and at the loud, metallic clang that preceded it. It sounded like a big machine had fallen on the floor.
"AAAH! It fell completely off! What the HELL!"
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't think one little tiny screw could cause the entire thing to just…"
Harry decided that he was going to knock. Maybe he could help them with whatever just happened. "Excuse me, professors?"
At the knock, there was complete silence in the room, then some silent whispers. Ed finally spoke loud enough for Harry to hear.
"Uh, who is it? What do you want?"
Harry looked nervously at Ron and Hermione, who nodded in encouragement.
"I just… I want to ask you something. About today's lesson."
"Sure, sure. Hang on a second." There were sounds of someone scrambling around, and metallic scrapes. Soft whispers were barely heard through the thick oaken door.
"Quick, hide it! Somewhere, I don't know!"
"But don't you think they'd notice…?"
"Doesn't matter! Just do something!"
More scraping, then Ed cleared his throat. "Come on in."
Harry pulled down on the doorknob and entered, Hermione and Ron in tow. As they came into view, Harry saw Ed quickly buckling his jacket with one hand, and Will hurriedly hide something behind her back. When she saw them, she smiled wide and fake.
"Hey, what's up? What do you need?"
Harry struggled with the right words to say, trying to not seem suspicious. "Well, I wanted to ask you-"
"Professor," Hermione interrupted, looking worriedly at Ed. Harry threw her a slightly irritated look, which she shrugged off. "What happened to your arm?"
Ed's eyes widened, and he stuttered. "I… Uh… What do you mean?"
Hermione pointed to his jacket sleeve, which was hanging limply by his side. "Your arm is gone." At this, Harry stared and Ron yelped.
"Y-your arm is g-gone!" Ron squeaked, turning white and backing away slightly. Will and Ed exchanged a look, and Ed sighed.
"Yeah, it's a long story…" Rubbing the back of his neck with his remaining hand, he blew out a breath.
Will seemed to relax, the fake smile fading from her face. She brought out the thing she'd been hiding from her back, revealing it to be a limp metal arm, loose wires and cords sticking haphazardly out of the shoulder joint.
Ron, still scared of the missing arm, just shook silently. Harry stood by him, totally confused about just what was going on. Hermione, however, approached Will to examine the metal limb.
"It's… mechanical?" she questioned, poking the forearm. Will dangled it in the air, wiggling it back and forth.
"Yup. It's called automail. It's attached to the person's nerves, so it can move on its own when joined," she said, the arm flopping carelessly back and forth.
"Hey, be careful with that!" Ed yelled at her. "That's my arm, not a toy!"
Will stuck her tongue out at him. "Oh hush. I'll do what I want with it. Not like you can hurt me, anyways. You can't transmute anything with just one hand." She smiled evilly, and Ed backed away.
Holding onto the hand and angling the rest of the arm upwards, Will poked at it with the screwdriver. "Hey, I actually think I found the problem." She set the arm down on a desk and sat down, hitting and twisting the arm randomly. They all simply watched her, intrigued.
"Aha! I did it!" She held the arm up triumphantly. "I'm sure of it this time." She walked over to where Ed was sitting at his desk. "Take off your shirt."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Take off your shirt. I'm going to reattach your arm."
Ed looked at her in disbelief. "It couldn't have been that easy."
Will looked indignant. "Actually, it was. You just had a few screws loose at the wrist and elbow, that's all."
"You've got some screws loose as well," Ed muttered, looking at the ground. He received a smack on the head.
"Just take off the damn jacket."
Mumbling something unintelligible and probably obscene, Ed grudgingly complied, undoing the clasp to his jacket and letting it fall to the floor. He wasn't wearing a shirt underneath, and Harry and Ron gaped at the metal plating on his shoulder and stump. Hermione was gaping at the rest of him, too.
"Now," said Will, circling around to the metal slot, placing her hand on Ed's other shoulder. "How do I stick this thing in…" She poked her finger in the hole, causing Ed to yelp in pain.
"Ow! Hey! Don't do that!" He said angrily, rubbing his shoulder, though he couldn't feel his hand through the automail.
Harry was still confused. "How can you feel that if your arm is mechanical?"
Will sighed and straightened up, still holding Ed's arm. "Each of his nerves is connected to this thing." She patted his metal shoulder. "When you connect it with the arm," she waved said object for emphasis, "it makes the wearer able to move it around like normal. Pretty cool, huh?" She winked at Ron, who was starting to recover from his initial fear.
"Yeah, and it hurts like hell, too," Ed muttered.
"Hmm?" Hermione turned to him, trying her best to keep her eyes on his face.
"I said, it hurts like hell. It's not pleasant to have all your nerves attached to a mechanical object. It's like sending a thousand volts of electricity through your body." Ed sighed, looking grumpily at Will, who grinned.
"Right. Now, let's see if I can do this…" She put one hand on Ed's chest to keep him steady, and moved the arm up to the shoulder.
"Ah! No! No, you're not. You don't know how to do that." Ed pushed her hand away and jumped out of the seat, ducking under her attempt to force the arm in its socket.
"Aw, come on! I can do it, you can trust me! You know that!" Will chased him around the room, trying to grab the elusive alchemist. "Don't you trust me?"
Putting as many desks in between him and Will as possible, Ed answered, "Of course I trust you, you know I do. Just not with my arm. That's delicate stuff! And frankly, you're not a delicate kind of person."
Missing Ed by inches, Will chuckled. "And you would know, huh?" She grinned at him and raised her eyebrows suggestively, and he blushed.
"Uh, well… I…" He was distracted by trying to hide his red face, and Will leaped at him. Ed moved pretty fast though, and Will's fingers just barely grazed his back.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ed screamed, running into his bedroom and shutting the door in Will's face. She banged on it, yelling obscenities and telling him to let her just take another look at it. She was still holding the automail arm.
Sighing in defeat, Will turned from the door and looked over to the stunned students. They'd never seen any of their other teachers fight or chase each other around like that before. Of course, none of their other teachers were under twenty, either.
She smiled at them, finding their shock amusing. "He's always like that. Don't mind him. He'll come out soon enough." She settled herself in Ed's chair, fiddling around with the random objects on his desk, mechanical hand lying beside her.
Ron turned to Harry and muttered, "For such a small guy, he runs really fast."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM WITH THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MICROSCOPE?" came Ed's high scream from his room.
Ron looked shocked that Ed had actually heard him, while Will was doubled over with laughter. And then suddenly, she had an idea.
She walked over to the door, automail arm in hand, leaning next to it casually. "Hey, short stuff!"
"DON'T CALL ME SHORT!"
Laughing silently, Will continued. "Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Stop sulking and get out here so I can fix your arm. You don't want anyone else to find out, do you?"
Ed muttered something that Harry couldn't hear.
"Well I know that, but you have to do it sometime. Best to get it over with." Another mumble. Will was starting to get irritated.
"You know who you're reminding me of? Roy. He sulks just like this sometimes, when he doesn't have a date, or Riza kicks him out again."
"I'M NOT SULKING, DAMMIT! And don't you dare compare me to that morally bankrupt colonel with a God complex! I just don't want you to wreck my arm by sticking it in the socket like that!" Good, he was getting angry.
"Yup, just like Nii-san. Except you're way shorter than him. Did you ever consider the fact that maybe it's not your age, and you're just gonna be short like that forever?" That was it. The last straw. Ed exploded out of his room, causing the three students to jump in surprise. He was about to yell "SHUT UP!" but was immediately pounced on by Will, who had been waiting for him by the door.
She grabbed him around the neck, trying to jam the arm in its socket. Ed fought wildly, pushing her away with his left arm. He was surprisingly strong for someone so small, Harry thought. Though he didn't dare say so. He was afraid of the professor flipping out and attacking him, too.
Will managed to get her leg underneath Ed's, and gave a vicious kick, sending them both crashing to the ground. Hermione squeaked and rushed over to try and help. The two didn't notice her though, as they were now rolling around on the floor, still fighting.
Will was using Ed's own arm against him, smacking him over and over on the head with it. Ed rolled over on top of Will, trying to get her to drop his arm. She persevered, but her blows started getting lighter, not wanting to break the automail even more. There was no Winry on this side of the gate to repair it if it got seriously damaged.
After kneeing Ed in the stomach, Will managed to roll back over so she was once again on top. Sitting with her knees on his stomach and feet on his thighs, her right arm holding down his left, she grinned evilly at him.
"Take a deep breath," she commanded. Ed, too used to the intense pain that was about to occur, didn't argue. After he did so, Will carefully slid the arm into its socket.
Ed grimaced, feeling pain shoot through his body. He didn't cry out, which surprised Will. She'd never had automail (she was lucky enough to still have all her limbs), but Ed had told her about how much it hurt. It was probably because there were students watching.
Will moved off of Ed, and he sat up, trembling slightly. Will sat cross-legged next to him, watching him intently for any sign that he needed help. After a few moments, the pain seemed to die down a little, and Will let out a breath.
"There, see? Was that so bad?" She grinned widely as Ed glared at her.
"You try having all the nerves in your arm attached to a chunk of steel," he grumbled.
Will laughed. "Now, now. What would Winry say if she heard you calling her precious automail a 'chunk of steel'?"
Ed visibly shuddered at the thought, and mumbled, "Not the wrenches…"
Hermione spoke up, her voice shaking a little. "P-professor? A-are you okay?"
Ed glanced at her, then sighed. He moved his arm around, clenching and unclenching his fist, rotating the joints. All seemed to be in working order. "Yes, actually. I'm fine." He sounded slightly surprised. He didn't know Will could fix automail.
Will helped him up, and he sat down behind his desk, wincing slightly.
"Need me to take a look at your leg while I'm at it?" Will asked. Ed quickly shook his head.
"No way. Never again, you hear me? Next time, I'll just go to that Dumbledore guy…"
Ron was confused now. "Wait, your leg is made of this metal stuff too?"
Will nodded and blew her bangs out of her face. "Yep. Right arm and left leg, both automail."
Ed glared at her as if to say 'why don't you tell the whole world while you're at it?' then turned to Harry.
"So, what did you want to ask me before?" His golden eyes stared calmly into Harry's own. Harry had never seen eyes that color before. They kind of unnerved him. They looked so old, even though the boy before him was barely older than he was. Like he'd seen so much, things he'd rather forget, in his short life…
Just thinking the word "short" made Harry want to laugh now. He'd never forget the professor's reaction to it. It was priceless.
"Uh… Nothing. Nothing at all." And Harry was telling the truth. He'd found out that their strange new professors were indeed hiding something. But it wasn't anything like he'd thought. It was interesting, though… A metal limb called "automail"… Harry made a mental note to look it up in the library sometime. "I actually kind of forgot."
"Hmm, well then. If you'll excuse me, I have to go lie down." Ed rubbed his forehead, where there was a faint red mark from Will smacking him with the metal arm, and stood up. He ambled over to his bedroom door, then stopped and looked back. "Ah, and if you three could please not tell anyone about my automail, then maybe I won't have to give you detention." He winked and disappeared behind the door.
Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way to the classroom door, still kind of in shock over what they'd seen. Will ushered them along quickly, wanting them to leave so she could go join Ed in the bedroom…
After they were pushed into the hallway and the door shut and locked behind them, the three exchanged a look.
"Those guys are definitely the weirdest teachers I think we've ever had," Ron muttered. Harry and Hermione nodded in agreement, and they started walking down the hallway. They wanted to get as far away from these psycho teachers as possible.
"Hey, let's go play some Quidditch," Harry suggested. Ron agreed, and they went back to Gryffindor Tower to grab their brooms before heading off to the field to have some fun.
Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, Ed and Will were having some "fun" of their own.
A/N: Yay, everybody gets a happy ending! xD I actually thought this was kinda good, for my first HP-ish story. I actually have a kind-of plot behind this (that's why the beginning starts off weird like that… I just didn't really know what to put there. It'll get better later, I promise), but nothing definite yet. And don't forget to press that little button down there to tell me what yathink! Comments, questions, grammar mistakes, ideas to make it better, anything! I love your feedback!