Title: Ever the Same
Authors: Fate Believer and Grand Delusions
Disclaimer: We don't own the characters. They belong to ABC and Shonda Rhimes.
Rating: T (may be bumped up to M)
Pairing: Meredith/Derek— hello! Did you see who was writing this?
Summary: One's left shattered and unwilling to love again. The other's struggling to fulfill a promise made to her best friend. Despite the circumstances some things are ever the same.
Author's Note:
This is an alternate universe. Being such, here are the groundrules:
Meredith has been aged to the same age as Addison, Derek, and Mark. However, the rest of the interns are the same age as in the show.
Flashbacks are in italics.

This amazing idea was Fate Believer's brainchild, but we quickly both became very attached to it as the plot was fleshed out and our AU versions of the characters became fully realized. The plan is for it to be twenty chapters long with all those GA characters we know and love, but in very different circumstances. Of course, since this is us, it will be a Mer/Der and there will be a fair amount of angst.

Oh, and we love reviews.

Ever the Same

-x-

This was not happening.

Meredith was having a nightmare. There was no other plausible explanation. This was a horrible nightmare. Any second she would wake up. Mark would be snoring softly beside her and she'd pick up the phone and dial a number she knew by heart. Her best friend would irritably answer the phone, chiding her for being woken at such an hour. Then Meredith would tell her all about this horrible nightmare and she would laugh for worrying so much.

Her best friend, under no circumstances, would be lying in the casket just a few feet away.

This could not be happening.

She pinched herself hard and winced when she felt the pain shoot to sore skin.

This was not a dream. This was reality.

Meredith could hear the melodic rise and fall of the minister's baritone voice, but she couldn't concentrate on his words or what he was saying. All she could focus on was the fact that her best friend lay in the dark mahogany casket before her.

Derek sat to her left and Mark on her right. She turned to Derek and watched the man she'd known for thirteen years struggling to maintain his composure. He tried, but he was failing miserably. He sat straight up, simply staring into nothing. His eyes were hallow and red from days of crying. Meredith imagined her eyes looked just like his.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Addison wasn't supposed to be dead.

She was supposed to give birth to a beautiful and healthy child that Meredith could spoil rotten.

It was never in the plan that Addison wouldn't be around to raise the child.

-x-

"That better not be ju-ju I see in your hand, Addie," Meredith called out teasingly to her friend and colleague when she saw her standing at the nurse's station.

"Relax, Dr. Grey. It's just herbal tea. Besides, I think you and Derek have threatened any person in the general vicinity of this hospital with bodily harm if they sell me anything with the slightest bit of caffeine," Addison pouted, rubbing her very swollen pregnant belly with one hand and holding her drink and the other.

"Good. I don't want you getting my future godchild addicted to caffeine before she's even born. Besides, it'll stunt her growth," Meredith said as the pair headed down the hallway.

"I miss my chocolate," Addison sighed, taking a sip of tea, then frowning. "This is not the same."

"Hey, I promised your husband to keep you away from any and everything you shouldn't be having. And knowing you, once you have the hot chocolate, you're bound to try spiking it with coffee," Meredith laughed.

"Mmm… Mochas. I miss those too."

"I bet you do," Meredith laughed at her. "And you wonder why I'm supposed to keep you away from hot chocolate. You're incorrigible."

"Right," Addison rolled her eyes. "No wonder you're so paranoid— I think that's what happened with you. Your mother wouldn't lay off the coffee, that's why you're so short," Addison smirked at her.

"Well of course I'm short next to you. I don't think you own a pair of shoes that have heels under five inches," Meredith tossed back.

Addison laughed and then let out a sigh, glancing down at her current pair of shoes.

"God, I'll be so happy when I can wear them again. My feet swell too much for me to even think about trying to put them on," Addison glanced down at her feet, wiggling her toes in the thick clogs.

Meredith's eyebrows furrowed as she looked at her friend. "What are you doing here anyways, Addie? Waiting for Derek?"

"No, Derek's tied up in surgery all afternoon. I have a Cesarean scheduled in an hour."

"Chief is actually letting you perform surgery this close to your due date?" Meredith's eyebrows shot up.

Addison stopped walking and spun around to face Meredith, annoyed.

"I wish you and Derek would realize that I am pregnant, not incompetent," she snapped.

Meredith turned to tell her that she and Derek were just worried. But before she could force out the words, Addison swayed, eyes clouding over. She teetered and swung her arm out, grappling for something to brace herself against. Meredith grabbed her by the arm, worried and frantic.

"Addie? What's wrong? Are you dizzy?"

"I don't..." Addison's voice trailed off, never finishing her sentence as she was crumpled to the ground. Meredith caught her before she hit the ground, yelling out she need a stretcher.

-x-

Twenty minutes later, Meredith paced nervously around the room as Addison was examined. Addison had assured her when she regained consciousness that Meredith didn't need to stay, but she refused to leave.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. We're going to have to deliver this baby immediately. Call for an O.R., tell them we need it now," the doctor instructed his intern.

"Now? But the baby's not due for another five weeks," Addison argued.

"You promised you would take it easy, Dr. Shepherd. I warned you that this could happen with your condition," the doctor explained, immediately putting Meredith on alert.

"Condition? What condition? Addison you said everything was fine after your last check-up," Meredith said worriedly.

"I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't capable of handling the situation myself," Addison defended weakly.

"Not acceptable, Addie. This is about your health. Now, explain to me what the hell is going on," Meredith pleaded, growing more alarmed the more she heard.

"I have a condition called pre-eclampsia. I've been getting shots to prolong being able to carry this child to term."

"Yes, but Dr. Mont—Addison," the doctor interrupted, "your pre-eclampsia has now progressed to full eclampsia. The longer you keep this child, the more danger you're putting yourself in. This baby has to be delivered today—now even."

"I'll page Derek," Meredith volunteered, trying to mask her fear for Addison and the baby.

"Have a nurse page him. Stay with me, Meredith. Please," Addison begged, holding out her hand to Meredith. She looked terrified and it suddenly became painfully obvious to Meredith that she wasn't the only one afraid. She offered Addison a fake grin and took her hand.

"Where else would I be?"

-x-

It had never dawned on Meredith before how scary an operating room could be when you were in there as anything other than a doctor. Looking down at Addison who was laying down on the O.R. table, she decided she preferred being the one holding the scalpel.

"You know when I said I had a C-section in an hour, I didn't mean I'd be the one on the table," Addison joked.

"I still can't believe you want to be awake for this. And I'm surprised you didn't try and tell them you'd do it yourself," Meredith grinned, gripping Addison's hand tighter.

"Think I'd go in the record books for it?"

"Yeah. Under 'Craziest Woman Alive.'"

"Oh, you want to pick on the pregnant woman when she's getting cut open? That's real nice, Meredith."

"Hah. This will be one of the last times you'll get to refer to yourself as a pregnant woman. It will no longer be a valid reason for me not to pick on you."

"Damn."

Even though she was trying to keep up with their banter, Meredith could tell that this was taking a toll on her. Addison's forehead glistened from a layer of sweat and Meredith knew her friend felt helpless from the crushing stress of the situation.

"So remember, you owe me twenty bucks if it's a girl," Meredith attempted to keep the mood light, even though both of them were terrified.

"And I'm telling you, it's going to be a boy," Addison said.

"Well, unless you cheated and looked, I'm holding firm with a girl. Besides, I'm always right."

Addison laughed, even though it came out more of a fearful sob.

"Don't worry, Adds. Derek will be here soon."

Addison said nothing, but she gripped Meredith's hand tighter. In a few moments it was over. The doctor was holding up a tiny, red-faced little girl for her and Addison to see. Meredith grinned down at her friend, only to see Addison smiling happily.

"Told you it'd be a girl," Meredith loved being right.

"Don't let it go to your head. You're not always right," Addison warned, even as they brought the baby over to rest against her chest.

"Welcome to the world, Brianna," she cooed at her daughter, stroking her cheek lightly.

"Brianna? You've been holding out on me. We've discussed fifty million baby names and never once was Brianna discussed," Meredith griped good-naturedly.

"Brianna Grace Shepherd," Addison smiled.

The nurse took the baby away and Meredith could hear the doctors discussing something. Although Meredith couldn't make out the exact words, from the tone, she knew she didn't like what she was hearing. She looked down at Addison to see her face paling. The monitors she was hooked up to started beeping frantically, and the doctors sprang into action. A nurse tried to tell Meredith it might be best for her to go, but Meredith stood her ground, refusing to leave. Addison kept a tight grip on Meredith's hand and the front she had been putting up the entire time started to crumble.

"You have to promise me something, Meredith. Promise me you'll take care of her," Addison whispered desperately, her grip on Meredith's hand grew weaker.

Meredith scoffed and shook her head, refusing to believe what was happening.

"You're being ridiculous, Addison. The only person that will be taking care of that little girl is you."

"Promise me," Addison demanded, her voice raising slightly, her agitation apparent.

"Okay, I promise," she relented. "Now calm down so we can get through this and then I can make fun of you later for being so melodramatic," Meredith soothed as she stroked her friend's forehead.

Meredith was unprepared for the seizure that wracked her friend's form. She stood there in a daze as the doctors around her started yelling. Her eyes darted to the heart monitor and she nearly passed out. Addison was flat lining. All of her medical training flew right out of her head and she stood, watching helplessly as her friend's life drained away.

Then, everything went hazy…

-x-

Derek stared off into space, vaguely hearing the chords from the organ and the cacophony of voices around him singing the words to hymns. Words about heaven and salvation and a life after death… Words that were meant to comfort.

Instead, he felt nothing.

It was supposed to have been one of the happiest days of his life, second only to the day he married his wife.

His wife, who lay cold and dead in a casket. His wife who left him alone.

-x-

Derek hung up the phone and hooked his pager back onto his waistband, quickly rushing to the Pediatric Wing.

'Doctor Shepherd, your wife was admitted for an emergency Cesarean.'

Something was wrong. Addison wasn't due for weeks.

But as Derek rounded the corner he spotted Meredith slumped in a chair against the wall.

"Meredith?" Derek said, walking towards her, relief rushing over him like a wave. Meredith was there, which meant Addison was fine. Everything was fine and he had been worried over nothing.

But Meredith didn't look at Derek, even as he stood towering over her. She simply continued staring into space.

"Meredith?" he repeated, waiting for his wife's best friend to turn towards him and smile and tell him everything was fine. But Meredith didn't hear him and Derek felt his pulse quicken. He crouched down in front of the chair, his voice become broken and desperate, "Mer— Meredith, what's going on? Tell me what happened?"

The longer she continued to stare into the distance, the more frantic Derek felt himself become. He felt his stomach drop and his hands began to quiver. "Meredith, look at me," he commanded, growing increasingly panicked. When he received no response he put his hands on her shoulders, lightly shaking her. "Look… Meredith— look at me!" he pleaded.

When she finally turned to him, her eyes were empty and hallow.

"Doctor Shepherd?" a voice behind him called out. Derek's hands dropped to his sides and his stomach plummeted as he rose and turned to the doctor standing yards away. Derek knew the tone in his voice. That tone of steeled resolve and forced compassion. A tone Derek used when he gave family members the worst news imaginable.

Oh God…

"Would you come with me please?"

-x-

Derek was vaguely aware of Mark standing beside him, the best friend carefully leading his best friend and his fiancé down the aisle and away from the casket at the church's altar.

This wasn't real.

His wife was dead, and he was left with a child he had no idea how to care for.

This was a horrible mistake, or some sick joke.

This wasn't reality.

It couldn't be.

Mark clapped Derek on the back and asked him if he was okay, and he simply nodded, because he wasn't okay and everyone knew it. He was numb and he didn't feel anything. He felt numb. He felt dead. He wished he was.

"Derek?" a voice he recognized— his former teacher walked towards him and shook his hand.

"Doctor Webber," Derek mumbled in response.

"Richard," he corrected.

"Richard." Derek tried to smile, but it came out as a harsh grimace.

"Derek, if you ever need anything— anything at all, please let me know. There's an open invitation for you in Seattle."

"I appreciate that Sir."

Richard nodded before turning to Meredith. "That was a beautiful eulogy Meredith," he said, and she sniffed in response. "Addison was lucky to have a friend like you."

Derek stood silently while Mark and Meredith engaged Richard in polite conversation, only forcing himself to focus on their words when he heard the conversation shift from pleasantries…

"How's the child?" Richard asked Meredith.

"Brianna. She's…" Meredith trailed off. How could she possibly say that a child who's mother had died giving birth would be okay?

"She's going to be fine," Mark finished for her, casting an uneasy glance at Derek.

Fine… She'd be fine.

The child would be fine while his wife— his Addison had died.