A/N: After talking to some of my favorite Darvey people (thank you for the inspiration!), this actually started out as a love letter to Gabriel's physique which then turned into a love letter to Harvey to make it less creepy which then turned into something else entirely. There's definitely my first intention in there as well but then somehow my hopes for the remaining two episodes of 8A sneaked in as well and there you go. A new Darvey fanfiction.
Special shout out and thanks to Specter-Paulsen for your help and support and encouragement! You're the bestest and I love ya!
You're Giving Me A Million Reasons
The sun had just started its slow ascent between two skyscrapers, throwing its first rays into the spacious bedroom and tickling the woman's nose, while setting the golden-red hair that's splayed all around her aflame. The woman tries to press her eyes together, shielding herself from daylight and reality for just a moment longer. The celestial body outside is warming her face and the part of her torso that isn't covered by the thin, white sheet, while another body, the center of her own personal universe, is warming her from behind.
A quiet sigh escapes Donna's lips when every single memory from last night slams into her mind like a runaway freight train.
xxx
"Harvey, do you have a minute?" Donna asked tentatively after she had entered Harvey's office without even knocking. Only after she'd done it did she realize that it's one of the many habits she shares with him, one that is proof of the close bond they share and one that is another reason for why she had to do what she had to do.
"Sure, Donna, for you, always. What's up?" Harvey said, looking up from the file in front of him and letting his pen drop from his fingers. There was a smile on his face but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Like it seldom did these days if Donna was being honest. She hated the fact that they were still as close as ever, that they still walked into each other's offices without any doubt the other would have an open ear and that they shared drinks and bagels like it was the most natural thing to do and that at the same time they felt as far apart as ever before in their thirteen year long partnership and friendship. She hated how she couldn't really read him anymore, couldn't figure out what was bothering him and that she was too scared to ask because the last time she felt like that and had pushed him to confide in her, he had told her he was seeing someone, which was in hindsight the beginning of the end of everything that they used to be. And all the lies that they've told each other after that became layers of gravel, burying the truth under denial and pretense until it turned them into something Donna never thought they would become and had a hard time to even define.
"I'm leaving the firm," she said without any deviation, sitting down in the chair opposite of him. His eyes widened and filled with panic in an instant. He was too shocked to say anything and Donna could see that he was fighting for control.
"W... what?" is the only thing that leaves his lips, his voice already broken.
"I'm leaving the firm. I've got a job offer from David Fox and I want to take it," Donna explained.
"But... I... I thought you loved your job? I... I don't understand." They were only moments into the conversation and already, Harvey was lost and confused and the panic that was threatening to consume him made it hard for him to formulate any clear sentences at all.
"I did. I mean, I do. But it feels like something is missing. And I can't pretend anymore that that's not true."
"I... You... you asked for more and I gave you more. What is missing? Please, tell me. We can work it out. Just... please, don't leave me." He let himself sink back into his chair, his eyes never leaving her face, too afraid she might just disappear if he even so much as just blinked.
"I know you did, Harvey. And I will be forever grateful to you... but maybe it wasn't the more I was looking for. I... I don't really know. I just feel like I have to do this," Donna explained, inwardly fighting for control as well. Control to hold the wall up that would otherwise uncover the truth. Because the truth was, she knew exactly what "more" meant. She might not have known when she had asked him for it but she sure as hell did now and she just couldn't fight it anymore.
Because for thirteen years Donna had fought what she really wanted. She had tried to hide it behind her work, behind false truths and flirty banter, behind boundaries that were there to be tested but seldom crossed and behind drinks and late night calls and hugs that they kept pretending didn't mean a thing. She had really tried to convince herself of that, too, and had succeeded for a long time. Until it all became too much, months ago, when he was slipping away, taking her heart right with him. That was when she knew. That "more" wasn't being a COO. That "more" could never be truly filled solely with work. She knew that her "more" was him and with that realization, slowly but surely during those past weeks and months, came also the realization that he probably would never be able to give that to her. It had made her sad and it had made her bitter, especially in in most recent times. Despite wanting and needing him more than ever before she also felt the constant need to push him, fight him, about anything business related when it was subconsciously everything personal. And it hurt them and their relationship that often times didn't feel like it even was one anymore to begin with.
Donna knew that there would be no way back to how things used to be before because he was way too deep under her skin and in her soul, anchored to the very part of her that made her who she was.
And she had a hard time imagining how she was even supposed to move on from that part of herself at all but if she ever wanted to have a shot at finding love and being happy, she needed to leave Harvey and whatever it was that they had, behind. At least for a while, until her feelings for him had calmed down and she no longer felt like she needed to be with him all the time.
"You made me break up with Paula so you could keep your job," Harvey disrupted the silence, pulling Donna back to the present, her heart aching.
"No, Harvey. I didn't make you do anything. That was your choice," Donna shot back and there was that need again to fight him. The bitterness boiling under her skin. She wanted to shout at him to open his goddamn eyes and she wanted him to make this whole thing go away by just finally admitting what lay between them. She was convinced that there was more, that he knew that there was more but what good would it be if he couldn't admit it and tell her? More bitterness swelled inside of her.
"I know... god, I'm sorry, Donna. I never seem to know what to say these days. Just... please... please, don't leave."
"Harvey... please don't make this any harder than it already is. I need to do this if I ever want to move forward."
"We can make adjustments to your job. I'll fight Robert for anything you want. Whatever it is you need, I'm ready to give it to you." His words are another stab to her heart and if it weren't so damn tragic, she would have laughed. Because she believed him; he would give her anything and fight for it with the managing partner himself if needed be, all the while not realizing that what she truly needed from him was so much easier and yet so much scarier to give. "Just please, stay with me. Don't leave me."
"Why, Harvey? Why do you need me to stay? The other day you didn't really make it sound like I deserved to be in my position in the first place," Donna replied, no longer able to hide the bitterness with the words that spilled from her lips.
"Donna... You know I didn't mean it like that. If anyone has ever deserved her or his job then it's you." He said it with determination and Donna knew that he was telling the truth. At the same time, she couldn't shake the feeling that he was also avoiding the full truth.
"Then please tell me, Harvey. Why do you want me to stay?" Donna asked again, pushing him against her better judgement to admit something he obviously wasn't ready to admit. She could see the struggle on his face, could see the words that she needed to hear fighting with the fear that was written all over his handsome features.
They sat in silence, staring at each other and feeling utterly lost. No way forward and no way back. With every second that passed, Donna knew that it wouldn't happen. That he wouldn't say what needed to be said. So with a sigh, Donna got up from her chair.
"Okay... since you won't answer, I'll take it there is no reason for me to stay. So I'm heading home for tonight. Good bye, Harvey," Donna said defeated, hesitating for one more second and hoping against hope that he would come around.
When he only stared at her blankly, Donna turned around and left him, just like she had done in the past, only this time it ripped her apart more than anything ever had in her life before. With every step that took her away, her heart broke a little more, her eyes blurring from unshed tears. She couldn't see where she was walking and she didn't see Harvey, back in his office, his own tears spilling while frantically trying to loosen the tie around his neck – that felt more like a deathly grip and less like the soft fabric that it was – to get some needed oxygen into his lungs, while his heartbeat hammered relentlessly against his eardrums.
Donna didn't know how she made it home, didn't know how long she was standing with her back against the door or when she had let herself sink to the ground against it, the tears finally having spilled over the brink. It could have been minutes or hours and it was only when a soft but insistent knock sounded against it that she was pulled back to the harsh reality of it all. She knew it could only have been him, so she pondered for a long while if she should even open the door, knowing that he would try to change her mind with words that wouldn't be enough to do so.
"Donna, please... please open the door," he pled, begged even, his voice torn with grief. She could hear the tears in it and she was sure he'd never felt so lost. Donna got up from the ground, wiping her own tears away in the process and bracing herself for what was to come. She slowly turned the knob, replacing the wooden barrier with an invisible one by crossing her arms in front of herself as she looked at him.
"You can't leave me," he whispered, his eyes still red from too many tears and feelings that he couldn't hold back anymore.
"Why?", Donna wanted to know once again, trying to hold on to the decision that had broken her but that she knew was the only way to get the life that she deserved, with him or without him.
"Because," was Harvey's desperate reply and the force of it was almost enough to break through Donna's resolve, just like that.
"That's not a good enough reason, Harvey," Donna sighed, his name no longer holding the love that it had the past thirteen years, instead filled with pain and regret.
They stared at each other in silence again, with all the things and words that needed to be said hanging between them like an invisible curtain, both knowing it was there but slipping through their fingers all the same. Time ticked on as she waited and he fought; himself, his mind, his rationality, his fear.
Until it finally clicked and determination set in his frame and face.
"Donna... there are a million reasons," he said at last, taking a step closer and making her back away in the process. Donna could see the hurt flash through his eyes for a nanosecond but it wasn't enough to make him back down this time.
"And if you let me, I'm going to spend the rest of our lives making sure that I'll let you know each and every one of them. But the most important one is because." Harvey said again, his as if that one word should have been enough, as if it should explain everything and if things weren't so damn complicated between them, it would have been enough for Donna. But they were complicated, so she remained silent, watching him intently. Harvey still didn't falter, didn't back down, didn't even so much as flinch when he got ready for his next words. "I'm in love with you, Donna. And that is how I love you. How I've always loved you," Harvey explained and took another step towards her, this time actually closing the gap that had still laid between them.
And then his hand cupped her cheek and his mouth descended on hers, the kiss slow and gentle and bruising and intense all at once. She wanted to stop him and also wanted him to never stop again. She knew she should have said something, that they should have talked before anything more happened but somehow she knew that it was going to be okay. It wasn't his hand in her hair and on the small of her back holding her to him, or the way his body pressed against hers desperately that let her know it, but his relieved sigh that she could feel against her lips when she kissed him back and the way she could feel his fear leaving his body, tearing down those barriers that had kept them apart for far too long.
They blindly stumbled through her apartment, frantically trying to rid themselves of their clothes. There was a desperateness to it all that left them both breathless. Not the kind of desperateness to land in bed to fulfill some kind of sexual need, though it was undoubtedly there, but the kind of desperateness to become one, to feel each other, to reassure themselves and the other that this was it. The moment that would change their lives as they knew it.
There would be enough time for foreplay and slow and romance later. Right in that moment all they needed was the connection. The reconnection of things lost in the past, rediscovering feelings and emotions and sensations that were the basis of their existence yet buried so deeply that they had almost forgotten those even existed, only then realizing what they had denied themselves all those years.
When Harvey came to lay on top of her, it was the first time he broke away long enough to look at her. His breath caught in his throat, her beauty almost enough to bring new tears to his eyes. The love in his gaze was almost enough to bring fresh tears to her own eyes in return and she can't stop herself from touching his face, letting one finger trace his eyebrow. A slow and happy smile enlightens his entire face, but only for a second, before he grows more somber again.
"Is this okay?" He breathes silently, almost like he was too afraid to break the magic of the moment.
A quip remark danced on the tip of Donna's tongue, like a simple "no" to tease him or how it might be a little bit late to ask that question at all; and in any other situation, she knew it would have slipped. But this was definitely not the moment to tease, they would have enough time for that later on as well. So instead she smiles encouragingly at him and nods with a grin.
"Do we need to..." Harvey asks, still quietly and just loud enough for her to hear.
Before he could even finish his question, Donna replied with a short "I'm on the pill" that he acknowledged with a shaky intake of breath.
"I love you, Donna," Harvey said, before taking himself in his hand and guiding him to her entrance. He filled her up with one deep stroke into her welcoming core, the sensation of having him inside of her too exquisite to form coherent thoughts any longer. Pictures of the other time and the past mixed with hopes for the present and the future, pictures of strawberries and bouquets of flowers and dimly lit offices; and pictures of breakfasts and white picket fences and the toothless smile of a red haired baby.
His hard length hit spots inside of her that made her moan. Physical spots that drove her pleasure to heights unknown or forgotten and emotional spots that seemed to replace every feeling of doubt and fear with love and passion until there was nothing left but the sensation of his hot breath against her neck, of his hand entwined with hers as they are resting them above her head and the sweet and torturous feeling of his body moving in synch with hers, hips meeting in a perfect rhythm.
Sighs fill the air, mumbled sounds that could have been their names or declarations of love, when in truth it was one and the same anyway. It didn't take long for Harvey's restraint to falter, for his long and even thrusts to become fast and uncontrolled. He lets his free hand travel over her collarbone and to her breast, teasingly rounding her hardened nipple before continuing on down, over her stomach, alternating between soft touches and firm strokes, until he reached the spot where they were so intimately joined.
Donna broke the kiss to take a deep breath as his thrusts sped up even more, in tune with the pressure of his finger against her. And within moments he had her with him on the brink of forever. Neither was scared to tumble over because both knew the other was with them. So with another deep thrust into her, him hitting that perfect spot inside of her body and soul, they both let go, drowning and flying and meeting each other at the other end of it all in a warm and happy embrace.
xxx
Donna's heart thumps in her chest as she slowly and quietly turns around to find Harvey lying peacefully next to her. His features are soft and relaxed and even though she can't look into his eyes she can feel the happiness rolling off of him. The same kind of happiness that has taken a hold of her ever since he had kissed her last night. A smile spreads on her lips as she rests her head on her bent arm to get a better look at him.
Her heart swells in her chest, the feelings that had been suppressed for over a decade flowing freely through her veins for the very first time. Back in the day, after the other time, she had been awoken by him getting out of bed so it is a nice change to be the one awake before him on this special morning. She watches him as he breathes in and out evenly, the air leaving his slightly opened lips in a quiet swoosh.
Donna had always thought that Harvey was an attractive man and every guy she had dated in the past had paled in comparison during those first three seconds upon meeting them. Those three seconds that it had always taken her to push thoughts of Harvey into the abyss of her soul, right along with the feelings that weren't supposed to be there in the first place. But there is no need to deny it any longer now. She loves how gentle his features look, not only in sleep but also when he looks at her. She had imagined and convinced herself early on and later re-convinced herself and denied that he had a look that was reserved only for her. But deep down she had always known it to be true and deep down she had also always loved it because for a long time it was the only sign that Harvey even had feelings at all behind his arrogant posture and his $10,000 suits.
She also loves the chocolatey brown of his eyes that always draw her in and that emanate so much warmth that loosing yourself in them was as easy as walking or breathing. She loves the spark in them when they are flirting, the passion as he watched her come undone only hours before, the love that he holds only for her.
Her heartbeat quickens as Harvey's lips press together slightly and the faintest of smiles graces them. For a second she thinks he is waking up but only moments later he starts breathing rhythmically again. The thought of his lips and the memories of what they did the past night, as well as thoughts of what they would do in the future and hopefully the rest of their lives stir something deep within her body, a hunger for him so profound that she had no idea something like this could be even felt. Only after forcing herself to do so, Donna lets her eyes drift from his lips over his face to his tousled hair that was marked from sleep and their night of passionate lovemaking. She has to hold herself back to not touch it and smooth it off his forehead, remembering just then how softly it had ran through her fingers when she had held his head to her while kissing him. Her eyes glide over his face again and she can almost see his adorable dimples that would undoubtedly appear, were he to wake up now to find her staring at him.
Donna's gaze drops to his hand that's resting on his stomach, only inches above the white sheet that is covering his lower half. His long fingers lay splayed, halfway covering the V-shaped muscle that ran from his hips directly to that place hidden underneath the cotton fabric. She has to force herself to look from the bulge underneath said cover; back up to his hand again and what Donna wouldn't give to slip her hand over his, yearning for the contact, reassuring herself that he is really there with her and that this isn't another one of her dreams that she would wake up from at any moment. But since she does not want to wake him, she holds back, even when it costs her all her strength. Instead, she tries to distract herself by memorizing every inch of his body. Her eyes drift over his skin and she loves the way the muscles underneath draw restrained and yet still defined contours. Him working out two to three times a week in the boxing ring did him well and Donna loves that he is not overly defined and yet still radiates so much strength. While she watches him, she realizes that his strength doesn't only stem from his physical constitution.
In all of her life, Donna had never really felt quite as safe as she did when he is by her side. Throughout the years, he had proven again and again that he would always protect her and that nothing could ever happen to her. Even when she was this close to going to prison, when she had started to doubt him – though not really – when they stood in front of the judge and when she saw her life flash before her eyes, he was there and somehow, through all the fear and stress and despair, he made it all better. He would have risked it all for her, would have probably done something shady himself, just to keep her from harm. She had loved him for it back then and she loves him even more for it now. Just as she loves him for all the other reasons that make him the one reason why it never worked out with anyone else. Like for how he is always there to support her in her career and outside of it as well, how he brings her flowers and takes her to her closing nights at the theater even though he couldn't care less about Shakespeare or Webster or Priestly.
She loves him for how strong and confident he is in the office, how he is able to get people to do whatever he wants them to do, how he is ambitious and competent and successful and still driven to become a better lawyer and how no one would ever believe that he has a soft side as well, a kind side, a loving and emotional side that he only ever shows when he lets his guard down around her. She loves him for all the times he had wanted her by his side, needed her by his side; that night in his office after Jessica had left; or in his office again after his dad's legacy had been taken away from him and them spending the evening together even though he didn't think it was a good idea; or that night before Mike turned himself in, the air in her living room charged with hopelessness, fear and love and longing all at once.
She loves him for all the times they looked at each other and conversed without a single word being said, except for when it came to the one truth that should have mattered the most and them being too blind and scared and oblivious to accept it for what it was. She loves him for all the times he had put her first even though she never acknowledged it, like when he had promoted her and let her move on from his desk or when he had picked her career over his love life. For all the times he knew when to give her space, like on the evening when she had had her former lover arrested and for all the times he knew when to go after her to make her feel better, like taking her out for breakfast before buying her a new handbag. For all the times he had rattled her chains and made her laugh, even in the darkest of hours when she didn't want to laugh at all. For all the times he had fought her battles and had her back and for all the times he had confided in her and no one else, all the times he had asked for her opinion, knowing that he valued it above anyone else's. And for how he keeps working on himself to become an even better version of himself, finding forgiveness for the people who have hurt and scarred him in the past, loving them anyway.
For all the tears he had cried for her even when she can only guess that they had been cried in the first place, after she had been fired or when she had left him to work for Louis. For all the sentimental habits between them; how it hurt that they no longer used the can opener but how it brought joy that he never let the cactus die. For all the times he looked at her that way, making her heart flutter and made her feel like she was the most beautiful woman in his universe. And for all the times he had told her he loved her; by beating up Stephen, thanking her for twelve years or wanting to drop to his knees, that she had been too blind to see.
For all the times he has been a perfect gentleman for her, opening doors and helping her into jackets and for the one time he hadn't been a perfect gentleman, still turning her world upside down with the intensity of the sex that she had never achieved with anyone else ever again, except with him, thirteen years later and mere hours ago.
The longer Donna looks at him, the quicker all the reasons that make him the love of her life curse through her, blinding her with joyful tears about to spill. She has no idea what she did to deserve so much happiness, and she doubts that anyone has ever felt quite as happy as she does right in this very moment. It might have been the sniffle, or the hitch in her breathing or the rustling to dry her cheeks but it is in that moment that Harvey finally awakes.
"Good morning, beautiful," he whispers as his eyes flutter open. They focus on her and immediately fill up with his very own one million reasons of why she is the love of his life in return.
- The End –
A/N: If you have another moment to spare, I'd be really happy if you'd let me know what you think of it. Thank you!