"So, wah..." Waluigi glanced around, taking in the scenery around him. He was vaguely aware of the shivers constantly running up his spine, and although the table he sat at was on the outdoor balcony, the lanky villain doubted it was because of the cold weather. "I saw your match earlier. Congrats on winning..." He let out a nervous chuckle, and the figure across from him nodded silently. A sign of acknowledgement, meaning that Waluigi wasn't talking to a brick wall. He gulped and tugged at his bow-tie, praying to whatever god would listen that the waiter would return with their food. He needed something, anything to get him out of this awkward silence!
'Wahhh, what do I do?!' he internally panicked. 'I've never been on a date before!'
'Shut up and be a man!' another part of his brain growled. 'You got her flowers, you got her this scenery, just say the first thing that comes to mind!'
Between them sat a small vase housing a bouquet of blue roses, which took him WAY too long to find. Eventually he had to bribe Isabelle and The Villager into gathering them for him. His wicked eyes glanced up at the sky. A full moon, a night sky full of stars, a balcony overlooking Smash Kingdom, he heard violin music coming from the indoor section of the restaurant. Damn, it really was a nice scene. Too bad he couldn't enjoy it, not now...
'What do I say...?' he tried asking himself.
'ANYTHING! JUST SAY ANYTHING!'
Waluigi cleared his throat and scooted his chair closer to the table. "You look...absolutely stunning tonight," he offered, hoping that his date would take it.
To be fair, while remaining silent, his date did seem taken aback. A small shift in body language, shoulders rising slightly, arms drawing closer to the chest. That...that was good, right? So no, he wasn't talking to a brick wall...more like a wall made of alien parasites and hatred.
Valentine's Day was always a wild time at the Smash castle, February had officially become the month Master Hand would lock himself in his quarters and never come out until March appeared. Fighters and assist trophies alike would scramble around the castle, each hoping to lock in a date before anyone else. No one wanted to spend Valentine's Day alone. Some pairings were obvious, Mario and Peach always being seen together during the month, hand in hand and looking like they were having a splendid time. More often, due to the chaotic nature of the whole ordeal, you would often see some really odd couples. These were usually only temporary, everyone wanted to experience 'love' at least once. Bowser and Rosalina, Isabelle and Snake, ROB and Mr. Game and Watch...that last one sent shudders down Waluigi's spine.
Waluigi, of course, had always wanted to experience Cupid's arrow, but for as long as he's been living in Smash Castle...that was just a dumb dream. Most fighters didn't go out with assist trophies, and all the others like him had already paired up for their dates. It had seemed like Waluigi was destined to go another year without someone to call his own, that is...until just now.
Maybe it was him taking advantage of the situation, but that wasn't a bad thing...right? The new fighters haven't had time to actually know how much of a crappy human being he was yet, so why not get one of them as his date?
...Waluigi was beginning to regret that mindset. His mama always said impulse would get him nowhere in life...
having recovered from the brief fluster, Dark Samus looked at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to follow up his compliment. At least, that's what it seemed like...? It was hard to tell, the alien still had her (was it even a her? Waluigi still wasn't sure...) helmet on, giving off a soulless appearance (Did Dark Samus even have a soul?).
Waluigi tugged at his bow-tie once again, and ran a nervous hand through his wiry brown hair, having decided to leave behind his beloved cap for this date. "A-And...and...I'm really glad you agreed to go out with me," he stammered. "Not many people think...highly of me, wahh..."
Another nod, and Waluigi sighed internally. "I mean, a lot of people just see me as Wario's weird sidekick or whatever, you know?" Another nod. "Wah, I'm my own person! I have a life outside of pranks and Wario and tacos and kart racing." He paused. "It's not much, but...I work with what I got, yeah?" Another nod. Waluigi sighed and took a sip of his water. While he was thankful he had found SOMETHING to talk about, didn't it equate to him just ranting?
...but people were supposed to talk about their lives on date, right?"
"Do you also see me as just Wario's lanky sidekick?" he suddenly blurted out before he had a chance to think it through.
'YOU FOOL! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!' his mind screamed.
'WAHH! It just came out, I didn't know what I was thinking!' Waluigi tried defending himself.
'YOU DIDN'T THINK AT ALL!'
'H-Hey, it's fine!' Waluigi exclaimed. 'I...I'll just play it off as a joke, she'll be none the wiser!'
He was about to deny his previous question when he was stopped by Dark Samus shaking her head.
"...wah?" Waluigi gaped. "You...don't?"
Dark Samus nodded, and Waluigi noticed her chair scoot in.
"Well, um...what do you see me as?"
A pause, then Dark Samus reached across the table and pointed at him, her finger only inches away from his face.
Waluigi blinked. "I, uh...I don't get it."
An audible sigh came from the creature, and she pointed at him again, this time her finger touched his chest. Waluigi sat still for a few moments as his brain tried to piece together what Dark Samus was trying to convey. "You see me as...me?" he tried. To his surprise, Dark Samus nodded. Waluigi furrowed his brow. "...as...my own person?"
Dark Samus nodded, then retracted her finger and pointed at herself. She repeated this process, pointing at Waluigi and then herself.
"We're alike?" Waluigi guessed. Dark Samus nodded again and let out a low...something. "How so?" the lanky villain asked. Dark Samus stared at him, and Waluigi realized he was going to have to piece everything together once more. "Wah...we're both villains...people judge us based on outer appearance, no one in Smash wants to be our friend..." He winced. "And..." he took a deep sniff. "...we both smell like garlic?"
Dark Samus didn't move.
Waluigi groaned and buried his face in his hands. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep this up for. "I'm sorry..." he muttered. "I'm not used to the dating scene, and you seem like a really nice person, but-" he was cut off by a deep, throaty noise coming from Dark Samus, and he noticed her shoulders bobbing up and down. "Are you...laughing?" he asked.
Dark Samus nodded and calmed herself down, then lowered her head, her hand rising to cover where her mouth would've been. Waluigi blinked. Was she...embarrassed by her laugh? Waluigi shook his head and smiled sheepishly. "N-No, it's fine," he assured her. "I think your laugh is...nice." He felt his cheeks grow warm, and once again the alien life-form seemed taken by surprise. The two stared at each other in silence, until Waluigi let out a faint, awkward chuckle.
Dark Samus tilted her head, and a low warble rose from her, maybe it was her way of giggling? Their chuckles turned into laughter, and it lasted a good minute as the two seemed to wash away the awkward air between them. Thank God for the power of...humor? Compliments?
As their laughter died down, the waiter finally returned with their food. Waluigi heard his stomach grumble, and he realized just how hungry he was. He grasped at his fork and knife eagerly, and gazed hungrily at the steak that rested on his plate. Dark Samus stared at her food impassively, not even making a move towards her silverware.
"Alright, this looks delicious!" Waluigi exclaimed, mouth watering. "I can't wait any longer!" He eagerly cut into his steak and lifted a piece into his mouth.
...
"BLEGH!" Waluigi retched as he continued throwing up his dinner into a bush. Dark Samus stood next to him, feet shifting slightly as if she wasn't sure what to do. She finally settled on patting his back gently...or what she thought was gentle. The pain Waluigi felt caused him to heave a final time, before he stumbled back, gasping for breath as his date handed him a handkerchief to wipe his mouth. Waluigi accepted it and shook his head.
"H-How the hell is that place still open?!" he gagged as he made his way to a nearby bench, collapsing on top of it. Dark Samus watched him curiously, then turned to look at the looming Smash Castle. Waluigi caught her eye and shook his head. "Wah...just gimme a couple minutes, I'll be fine..." he said. Dark Samus nodded and moved to sit down next to the unfortunate villain.
Waluigi rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. "Sorry...probably not how you wanted this date to end, huh?
Dark Samus shrugged, then held up one finger.
"This is your first date?" Waluigi wondered. Dark Samus nodded. Waluigi nodded as well and leaned back. "Yeah...guess first dates are always gonna he weird, huh?"
A nod.
"...kinda shocked, to tell the truth." Waluigi admitted. Dark Samus stiffened, then leaned in closer. I mean, you're a pretty nice person, once someone gets used to the silence," Waluigi continued. "I...haven't really felt like myself in awhile, you know? Being stuck as an assist trophy again really sucked, but it's the little moments like this that make it bearable."
A warble and a nod.
"..." They were silent for awhile, before Waluigi sighed as he felt his stomach churn. "...wah, this sickness isn't going away for awhile..." he muttered, sagging a little. He turned to look at Dark Samus. "You...you don't have to stay with me," he said. "You can head back to the castle, I need to stay out here a lot longer..."
Dark Samus looked surprised, or at least as surprised as a faceless entity could be. The creature eventually nodded and stood up, walking away with a wave over the shoulder.
Impassive and distant...Waluigi couldn't tell if it was just her personality or her being rude.
'WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER GO?!'
'Wah?'
'FOOL! SHE'S THE FIRST GIRL TO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND BASIC HUMAN DECENCY! ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LET THAT GO?!"
'Well technically I think she's genderless-'
'ARE YOU GOING TO LET HER GO?! SAY SOMETHING, YOU IMBECILE!'
Walugi stood up. "For the record, I think you're a lot prettier than Samus!" he called, catching the creature's attention.
Dark Samus froze.
'WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!'
'You told me to say something, I panicked!'
'YOU COULDN'T JUST SAY 'HEY' LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!'
'I PANICKED! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!'
Dark Samus slowly turned around, locking eyes with Waluigi. Methodically, she approached the awkward loser, stopping only when she was right in front of him. Waluigi looked her up and down, taking in every aspect of her figure.
'Huh...'
'We could get used to this...'
Waluigi gulped and tugged at his bow-tie. "I think you're more pretty than Samus ever will be," he repeated, trying to sound more confident. "A-And...I was wondering...If you wanna make this more than a one-time thing. Do you...wanna go steady?"
He held his breath as Dark Samus continued to stare at him without a hint of emotion.
She nodded.
...
Short, dumb, awkward, and maybe a little sweet? Hope you've enjoyed this one-shot for Valentine's Day! Maybe I'll explore this..."pairing" again in more detail sometime in the future, if that's what the people want. Don't forget to review!