MRS. COLLINS, YOU MUST TAKE A LOVER, by Eldrice
Standard Disclaimers Reply: I do not own the characters portrayed herein and am making no profit from this story.
A/N: My first Austen fic, and I'm pretty excited about it! Being completely ridiculous, this was very fun to write. Comments are always welcome, especially those bearing criticism (there's always a way to do it better next time).
Dear Mrs. Collins,
I have received Mr. Collins' most recent letter, in which he informs me that you are now comfortably settled at Longbourn. You must find the situation exceedingly agreeable. Indeed, the current state of affairs pleases everyone in possession of proper feeling, including myself. Longbourn has been shamefully neglected for years. It will be satisfactory to finally see that estate – extremely modest though it is – properly managed.
But congratulating you on your new abode is not my primary motive in writing. In fact, you may think it strange to find this letter specifically addressed to yourself, rather than your husband. The truth is I have delicate business to discuss. Mrs. Collins, you must attend to what I am about to tell you. I have been aware for some time now that there is an aspect of your own personal affairs you have sadly disregarded. I find the situation most distressing, and insist on having my say on the subject.
My character has always been celebrated for its frankness. And now I tell you with complete sincerity – Mrs. Collins, you must take a lover.
I will explain myself plainly. Being intimately acquainted with your husband, I am aware that he is a worthy man, and a boon to the Church. I myself have found his solicitous attentions highly gratifying. Nevertheless, he is sorely lacking in certain desirable qualities, such as intelligence and – even more unhappily – a pleasing countenance. You are actually fortunate that it is so. If Mr. Collins had combined cleverness with poor appearance, little could have been done. That sort of man refuses to be cuckolded.
But as the circumstances stand, married women with husbands neither intelligent nor comely often find pleasure in attending to their own needs while their husbands are occupied elsewhere. They have no choice. I have always said that a woman's physical inclinations cannot be repressed. I feel quite strongly on the matter. For your own health, you must soon take action. Otherwise, I will not answer for the consequences.
I suppose you have had little opportunity for selecting a proper carnal companion yourself. Without doubt, no man other than Mr. Collins has ever approached you, and you therefore have little worldly experience. But this is of no concern. With my training, you can achieve excellence. It is like playing the piano. With the proper practice, anyone can attain a good notion of fingering.
And fortunately, I have already made inquiries on your behalf.
Selecting a lover is a matter of taste and discernment. You can choose someone beneath you, but not so low that the connection – clandestine though it be – becomes a degradation. Unmarried groundskeepers are often excellent candidates; their lodgings are so conveniently remote. You see, I have a flair for conducting les liaisons amoreuses, though I myself have never had a lover. My talents in this arena are quite superior, and I suppose there are few women in England as skilled in sensuality as myself. It is one of my great natural proficiencies. Indeed, just last month I procured for Lady Murchison a most vigorous lover, a robust Italian count with business concerns in Devonshire. She's quite delighted with my find. And it is wonderful how many other ladies I have benefited in a similar manner.
Therefore, I advise you most strenuously to consider my own gardener, Rogers, and engage him immediately if you are amenable. Indeed, I do not know why you should not be. Laborers are always a lusty sort, with hearty appetites. And the situation has several advantages. First, since Rogers is my servant, his credentials are sound. Second, trysts can be arranged whenever you visit Rosings, which will be often. Given my elevated standing in society, your husband will suspect nothing when you betray an eagerness to visit me. He will think such enthusiasm only natural and right, as, in fact, it is. Indeed, the only difficulty will be in convincing Mr. Collins not to accompany you as often as possible. But I understand that he is much engaged at present with improving the sadly overgrown garden at Longbourn. Let us hope his passion for pruning continues.
And third, you would not even have to visit Rogers' lowly cottage. There is a little room in the north wing of Rosings that would suit your purposes perfectly, as it houses a bed discarded by one of the maids. That part of the house has not been much used since the roof started leaking, and you would be in nobody's way. And, more importantly, nobody would be in your way.
Rest assured that you can depend completely on my discretion. I know few people who are better at keeping confidences than myself. And I do not see why you should fear discovery and the subsequent inevitable censure. It is widely acknowledged that once marriage is accomplished, women enjoy certain freedoms that were denied when they were maidens. A married woman can perfectly maintain her respectability, while dallying around, so long as she goes about it properly. And being modestly situated as you are, there are few personages who could be interested in your happenings. You cannot be an object of interest for any curious busybody. Furthermore, as I have already alluded to, your husband is a remarkably stupid man.
Nevertheless, if you were discovered, I should cast you from my acquaintance without remorse. Rosings could not be polluted by your presence, and your name would never pass my lips again. Your very existence I would refuse to acknowledge. These are the unfortunate consequences of exposure, unlikely though they be.
Finally, perhaps you have scruples regarding the trinkets and such you should be expected to bestow upon the gentleman in gratitude. Rest assured, Rogers will have only modest expectations of you. I have already informed him that you possess a very small fortune, and he has no objections on that score. A few pounds here and there will suffice. Furthermore, I know for certain of several women with incomes even below yours who have engaged lovers. They have not let frugality and limited means stand in their way.
As a widow speaking to a married woman, I have no reservations in expressing myself thus to you. We have shared experience. And I am confident that Rogers will serve your needs nicely. He has a quite remarkable set of shoulders, and nicely-turned calves. You must come immediately and become acquainted with him, particularly since he is so eager to embark on the adventure.
I will send my Barouche box for you this sennight next, and my servant will accompany you. It would be most improper for you to travel alone. Such an imprudence could not be borne, and I am extremely attentive to such delicate details. Any hint of impropriety is detestable.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh