February, 14th , 1999.
Valentine´s Day never had any sort of particular meaning for Severus. At best it was a day like any other, at worst a nuisance. Through his years of teaching, the date had been nothing but a dreadful day in which students were more restless and unfocused than usual, and ridiculous teenage dramatics got in the way of his scheduled activities. Even six years later Severus still physically cringed at the memory of Lockhart´s Valentine´s Day antics, the lurid pink decorations and the grotesque idea of having dwarves dress like cupids and go into the classes to deliver valentines, to the whole staff´s utter annoyance. But even before that particularly absurd little footnote in Hogwarts´otherwise prestigious history, Severus had never had any love lost for that gracelessly saccharine pseudo-celebration of love and romance. He found it utterly offensive to take a such a serious concept as "love" and attach it to the sheer mediocrity of gaudy pink and red paper hearts and cards, garish chocolate boxes and sparkly wine of dubious quality.
Any enthusiast of the date would probably point out that his disdain for Valentine´s Day was purely due to the fact that he never had any reason to celebrate it and nobody to celebrate it with. And that would be at least in part correct, he had to admit. But it was different this year.
Not that he had suddenly had an epiphany and found himself willing to get into the Valentine´s Day spirit. No, not at all. The entire atmosphere of the season was just as off-putting to him as it was before. And yet, there he was...worried because it was Valentine´s Day and he felt like he should have done something. Severus hadn´t even remembered it was Valentine´s Day before the morning newspaper had reminded him. He had never truly paid any attention. Unless something like Lockhart´s extravaganza or his students´histrionics reminded him, Severus normal went about February 14th without as much as acknowledging the date at all.
But of course, now he had a girlfriend. Severus had some difficulty with the idea, the word in on itself. Words like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" felt so juvenile, so silly. The concept of "dating" only summoned the idea of teenage trepidation and awkwardness. But even if he hesitated to give it a name, Severus and Evelyn had something. Something that was deeper than the word "dating" could ever hope to convey. Calling Evelyn his "girlfriend" felt lacking, trivial, it felt like entirely too little when the connection between them felt so much more intense than the adolescent feelings the words 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' seemed to evoke. "Lover" didn´t quite cover it, either, but it it came very close. It did, however, carry a twang of sexuality that Severus hesitated to completely claim just yet.
It was ridiculous really. That he couldn´t bring himself to cross that bridge. When every single interaction they had was so loaded with lust, when they constantly engaged on nearly everything that any adult with a modicum for experience would rightful acknowledge as sex, except for that one thing. That he somehow couldn´t breach that final barrier, that his mind blocked his way at every turn. None of that negated that Evelyn was his lover. None of that negated the profound affection and unmitigated desire that bound them to one another, the near-madness with which they sought each other, regardless of Severus´fears and hesitations.
They were, all things considered and in spite of his own shortcomings, lovers. So, obviously, societal pressures obliged that he had the courtesy to at least consider Valentine´s Day as part of everything that came with having a lover. A minor contractual detail in the grand scheme of the more overriding bond between them.
Severus honestly didn´t believe Evelyn was the kind of woman who give much importance to the traditional rituals of Valentine´s Day. She was much too sensible for that sort of thing. And like Severus himself, the entire concept of romantic love carried a more intense, heavier resonance to her, she also saw it as something too grand to fit a chocolate box or a glass of wine. He knew that much. But he also knew Evelyn wasn´t above celebrating little silly commemorative dates just for the fun of it. She liked to mark special dates on the calendar if anything for the opportunity to enjoy herself, to drink, to eat, to laugh. It was part of what made her so alluring to him, that could be at once so emotionally intense and self-possessed, and still find such unequivocal, child-like joy in just about anything in life no matter how small; Severus never ceased to be amazed by how unafraid of her own feelings and desires she could be at times.
Severus opened the door to her house and found the living room empty. It was still early, maybe she had decided to sleep in today. Valentine´s Day had fallen on a Sunday this year. It would have been easier if it was a regular weekday. Evelyn would have gone to work and all he´d have to do was take her somewhere nice for dinner afterwards, and his little petty dilemma would be solved. But no; it was Sunday morning, and he didn´t have as much as a gift, or any idea of a grand gesture that could reasonably show her he cared enough to mark the date. She did tell him she wanted no gifts, no celebration. That they should just have a relaxing Sunday.
Why should they worry about doing anything other than enjoy each other´s company. Evelyn had argued, when she was so overworked and tired and Severus had been travelling for work so frequently they didn´t see each other for days on up with Shafiq, Potter, Weasley and Granger in the Hogwarts library to search for clues on the whereabouts of Slytherin´s dagger was certainly 'work' in some capacity, but not in the way Evelyn thought. As far as she knew Severus had been going to London to participate on governmental scientific research. It wasn´t exactly a lie, but it wasn´t the truth either.
In any case, Severus knew most people, particularly women, don´t usually mean it when they say things like "no gifts this year, love" or "let´s just stay home and relax, all restaurants will be packed anyway". Those were small social codes that couples felt compelled to perform, small pleasantries designed to make the gift-giving ceremony feel more genuine and spontaneous. Like a well choreographed dance.
Strange that she wasn´t up yet. Even on Sundays she woke up early. Today was a bit too cold and wet outside for her usual morning run, but Severus had expected her to at least be awake, having some tea in the kitchen or on the sofa reading, cocooned inside a blanket, as she usually did on rainy, cold Sundays mornings. Severus himself being very much not a morning person, found the prospect of finding her still in bed actually exciting. Sneaking under her covers for a morning session of lazy pillow talk, and hopefully something more felt like a very enticing way to spend the morning, he thought, climbing up the stairs.
"I wish I could be with you" Severus heard her voice as he approached the door with feather-light steps. "I promise I´ll go as soon as I can. I´ve just been so busy with work and everything else."
Evelyn was in bed as he expected. Still in her nightgown, under the covers, sitting up with her back rested on the headboard, talking on the phone and wearing a pained expression on her face as she looked out the window. He could see all the tiny signs of discomfort he had learned to read over the course of weeks sharing his days with her. Severus knew when she was sad or frustrated just by the way she bit her lower lip or ran her fingers nervously through her hair. How she fidgeted with whatever object was within easy reach of her fingers, and how her eyes immediately looked for open windows as if the mere sight of the sky and the suggestion of open air was enough to calm her nerves. Evelyn was a creature of the outdoors. She was only ever completely in peace when vastness surrounded her. The sea, the sky, the Burren and valleys of her homeland. When stuck inside the walls of a house in times of distress, she would always look out, to where vastness gazed back at her, kind and welcoming.
It was foolish of him, but he decided to stay outside and listen in. He shouldn´t. It was nonsense, but Severus couldn´t help the fact that those words gave him pause. 'I wish I could be with you'. It´s got to be her mother, he told himself, chasing any stupid paranoid notions from his head.
"No, I´m not working too much, I promise. I guess I could take a weekend and go see you. I´m worried." she continued.
Severus glued his back to the wall.
"I wish I had called before...I doesn´t feel like it´s been a year. Sometimes I forget. Maybe is because I´m away. Ask Cat to go to the cemetery with you, mam, please. I don´t want you being there alone. I don´t even think you should be in the house all alone...Don´t be stubborn. I´m sure Cat can spare an hour to go with you. Or ask one of your friends from church. Yes, do that, grandma Liz will love if you go over there."
Her mother, as Severus suspected. He felt compelled to go in, but something held him back. Curiosity, maybe. One year of what? And what was this about a cemetery. It was only when Evelyn´s voice started to sound muddled with the liquid sound of crying that he finally remembered.
"I miss him too. I know we don´t talk about it but... You have no idea how much I´ve needed him these past few months. It´s been difficult. Don´t worry, mam...Everything is better now. I think...I think I´m happy. Or getting there. It´s been a while but I feel it. I just wish he was here. So much has happened, and I can´t tell him. I miss talking to him."
Severus searched his memory for the details, but Evelyn had never told him the exact day he had passed away, only that it had been in the beginning of 1998, a few days short of his birthday. She had mentioned once he was a Pisces, and if Severus correctly recalled any of Sybil´s yapping about zodiacal signs, then his birthday would have been somewhere between mid February and mid-March. Dates aside, however, Severus knew good and well those tears and those broken words could only mean one thing.
It was her father she was talking about.
Should he go in or would he be intruding into something that was too intimate, too painful for him to share, even if he warher boyfriend, lover or whatever he decided to call himself. He kept listening in but all he could hear was crying and broken sentences, as if she couldn´t find the voice to finish her words.
"I´m sorry...I didn´t mean to." a sad little laugh broke between the sobs "I´m such a mess. I called because I was worried you´d be feeling down and I end up sobbing on the phone. Some idiot I am... I´m sorry, mam... I promise I´ll go as soon as I can. I´ll be fine, don´t worry. But I don´t want you to be alone, you hear me? Call me if you need. I´ll be home all day."
There was a moment of silence, and all Severus heard was the rustle of the sheets and covers. Without even looking he could see her getting up and walking up to the window, reaching for air, for the sky, for the vastness to embrace her. Severus had no idea of what he should do other than go into the room and hope she´d let him stay and share her pain.
Evelyn didn´t hear him when he walked up to her. She was crying too hard, too engulfed in her own anguish. She didn´t move when he called her name, she didn´t turn when he touched her back with the tips of his fingers.
"Lyn...Are you ok?" he let out, not knowing what else to say
As if the sound of his voice had broken a spell, Evelyn turned to him. Her brown eyes were bloodshot and bleary, stripped of their usual sparkle, her face was flushed, washed in tears, tense. She looked so utterly lost and dazed, Severus was taken aback. She didn´t seem surprised to see him standing there. She didn´t say anything. She simply walked into his arms and rested her head on his chest, so fragile and trusting, so unlike herself it was heartbreaking.
Severus held her as close as he could, as tight as he could, hoping that maybe his arms could keep her from breaking into pieces.
"Shhh...It´s ok, love...I´m here." Severus had never seen her cry like this. Like her air was running out, like she was drowning in her own tears. "I´m here."
It was Valentine´s Day and he should have done something. He didn´t know what, though. He never cared for Valentine´s Day. What could he have done? Some grand gesture, an impressive gift, dinner somewhere expensive, a box of chocolates at least.
"I miss him so much..." she mumbled with a tiny little girl voice that wasn´t hers, her fingers clutching at his shirt.
"I know, love...I know." Severus answered, pressing his lips top the top of her head and rubbing slow circles on her back, feeling her ragged breath calm down little by little under the palm of his hands.
It was Valentine´s Day and he should have done something. He didn´t know what. He never cared for Valentine´s Day. But as he held Evelyn to his chest and weathered the storm of her grief, Severus knew what she wanted him to do...what she needed him to do.
So he simply kept on holding her, as he would for as long as she needed him, for as long as she would have him. And he didn´t worry about Valentine´s Day anymore.