PHILOPHOBIA

By

Strongsouljah

Philophobia (from Greek "φιλος" (love) and "φοβία" (phobia), is the fear of falling in love.

They met on the quad at Harvard at a rally about social injustice. Jane was in law school and she in med school. Striving for social change was important to both of them, it's what brought the two of them together. Insuring that change took place kept them together, fighting side by side. She wanted to speak for the dead, and Jane wanted to put those who weren't on the side of justice behind bars.

They both finished their respective schools, graduating with honors. Once they got themselves established in their chosen professions, they started their lives together. She got a job in the medical examiner's office and Jane began working in the D.A.'s office. Same-sex couples couldn't legally marry at that time, so they had a commitment ceremony. Both played a huge part in the legalization of marriage and were one of the first couples to marry in the commonwealth. A couple of years later they decided to start a family. They were so excited when she finally became pregnant.

The pregnancy was a difficult one, with her having to deal with constant morning sickness. During the final weeks of her third trimester she was put on complete bedrest. Jane was with her, taking a leave of absence to take care of her and their unborn child.

They lie in bed, the blonde woman propped on pillows and her wife at the opposite end of the bed rubbing swollen legs. "That feels so good, sweetheart."

Jane smiled. "I'm glad it does." Once she finished, she moved to lie next to the doctor, placing her hand on her wife's huge belly. As soon as she did the baby kicked. "The little one definitely has a strong kick. Looks like we may have a soccer player on our hands."

"Either that or a dancer, the way he or she tap dances on my bladder in the middle of the night." The doctor placed her hand on her side and sat up, grimacing in pain.

"What's wrong, baby?" Jane asked, her voice heavy with concern. "You've been doing that a lot tonight."

"Sweetheart, I've been timing my contractions and they're now five minutes apart."

Jane jumped off the bed and began running around not knowing what to do. "Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me?" She ran into the bathroom and then downstairs, leaving her wife all alone.

The doctor calmly made her way off the bed, picked up her bag and went downstairs. "Jane, I'm ready," she said as she held her belly. She noticed the front door was open so she walked over to it. She peeked out over to the left and there was Jane in the neighbor's driveway, standing barefoot in a Bruins t-shirt and her boxer briefs trying to unlock their car with her keys. She waddled out and called for Jane, unable to get her attention. "Jane, sweetheart," she said a little louder.

"These stupid keys won't open the freaking door," she growled as she pulled at the handle.

She moved to stand in their driveway. "Jane!" she finally had to yell.

"What is it? I'm kinda busy here!" she said as she placed a bare foot against the door and pulled.

The blonde woman held up the key fob and unlocked their car. Jane looked from the Lincoln she was trying to open to Audi parked in their driveway.

"Shit!" Jane yelled as she ran over to their car, threw the bag in the back seat and helped her wife into the front seat.

After hours of labor it became obvious that the baby wasn't going to turn. She was taken to the operating room for an emergency cesarean section. Jane was on pins and needles anxiously awaiting the arrival of their child. The surgeon came out still in his bloody scrubs. "Jane, you have a healthy son, 9 pounds 7 ounces," their OB/GYN informed her.

Jane smiled and shook his hand; the smile couldn't get any broader on her face. "How's my wife? I bet she's glad it's finally over."

The doctor's' face went grim as he looked at Jane. He placed a large hand on her shoulder. "Jane, I'm sorry to have to inform you…"

"Noooo!" she screamed as she sat up in bed, body soaked in sweat from yet another nightmare. She swung long legs off the side of her bed as she tried to get her breathing under control. Hands shaking, she placed her head into them. Although these dreams had lessened in frequency, the intensity was still the same as it was the first time they began occurring. Once she'd gotten herself under control, she turned to look at the figure that was lying on the opposite side of the bed. Jane smiled and leaned over placing a gentle kiss on the little head of dark curls. She ran a finger, brushing the curls back from his face. "Sembri proprio come tua mamma, piccolo."

Jane got up from the bed and walked over to the armoire, opened the drawer and pulled out a box. She sat down on the floor and removed the lid. She pulled out a picture of her beautiful blonde wife on the day they exchanged vows. The next pictures were candid shots of the doctor and Jane throughout the pregnancy and the day their baby first started kicking. Right underneath those was the obituary of Dr. Eleni de la Garza-Rizzoli. Jane ran her fingers over the picture of her beautiful wife as a tear rolled down her cheek.

After the funeral, nothing mattered to Jane. She went upstairs, climbed in bed and curled up into a ball. Thankfully her mother stepped in, taking care of both Jane and the baby. Jane couldn't function. She didn't eat, bathe or even interact with her son.

"Janie?" Angela called from the door. Her call was met with silence. "Do you want me to bring the baby in here with you?" The only response she got was Jane making herself smaller underneath her covers.

Jane never left their bedroom. She placed the disc of their wedding and had it playing 24 hours a day. Jane held Eleni's pillow, crying as she held on to the last thing that held her scent.

After almost two weeks Angela finally had enough of the self-pity that held Jane captive. She pulled Jane up into a seated position, turned off the dvd player, put the baby in Jane's arms and walked out of the room. When the baby started to wail, she looked down into eyes that were so much like his birth mother. Jane started reacting to the crying child trying to sooth him, but nothing seemed to work. She suddenly began to sing the song she sang while he was still inside Eleni's womb. She was amazed at the way he calmed down. Matteo Alejandro Rizzoli had snatched his mother from the brink of hopelessness.

Angela Rizzoli watched her daughter as she moved about in the kitchen. She immediately noticed the dark circles around her eyes. "Janie, have you been having nightmares again?"

Jane's shoulders slumped because she did not want to have this conversation with her nosey mother. She knew it would lead to her wanting to discuss things she really didn't want to relive. The loss of Eleni was still hard on Jane. So, she decided to divert her mother's attention to something else she had been considering.

"No Ma, I've been thinking about making some changes and I'm figuring out what I want to do?"

"Is it about assigning more cases to you ADA's?" Angela inquired. "You really shouldn't be trying as many cases as you do. You're the district attorney for crying out loud."

Jane knew her mother was right about her caseload, but she was always a hard worker. Not only was she the youngest DA ever elected she was also the first woman to head the office. There wasn't anything in her office that needed to be done she wouldn't do herself. That's why she was respected by everyone who worked for her.

"Well Ma, since you asked, I had lunch with Tonya Jameson the other day."

Thankfully Angela remembered she had her grandson sleeping in her lap before she leapt up and ran into the kitchen. "She's the head of the DNC!" she quietly exclaimed, wanting badly to look Jane directly in her eyes to make sure she was telling her the truth. "What did she want to talk to you about?"

Jane smirked at her mother as she leaned back against the counter and took a long sip of her coffee. Bingo! "They're looking for possible candidates to challenge Roger Korver for his senate seat in the next election."

"Janie, are you seriously thinking about running for the US Senate?" her mother asked as she stroked the dark curls of her grandson.

"Yeah Ma, I am. We talked about it at length," she revealed, pouring herself another cup of coffee. "She thinks I'd have a good chance of defeating Korver."

"He's definitely an asshole, that's for sure," Angela stated. "He needs to be replaced. His views are so archaic."

Jane chuckled. "A throwback from ages old. His voting record makes it look like he was living in the 1950's. Tonya said my running against him would certainly be a pain in his homophobic ass. Plus, the fact I went up against his family in court." She sat in the seat across from her mother and looked adoringly at her son.

Angela nodding in agreement. "I'm sure that will definitely have him up in arms. His wife is still in prison, and you put her there. I wonder if that's why hates gays and lesbians. I've never seen a man so full of hatred for a group of people." She sighed, stroking the curly haired boy's head gently. "What about Matty? He'll be starting kindergarten next year. Do you really want to try to find a suitable school for him in Washington?"

"You act as if I've won already, Ma," Jane laughed. "I won't live in DC. I'll probably find a suburb in either Maryland or Virginia."

"Well now look who's talking like they've already won," Angela said, laughing.

Jane leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "Ma, if I do decide to run and win would you consider moving with me?" She paused, looking at her mother for some sign of agreement. "With Frankie in Maryland you'd be close to the both of us." The DA knew her mother loved Boston and it would be a hard sell to get her to leave. "Would you at least consider staying until Matty gets a little older?"

She thought about making Jane suffer by delaying her answer, but she couldn't. "Do you think I'm letting you take mio piccolo nipote to a new city without me?" She sighed. Maybe Janie can move forward and find some happiness. God knows she deserves it.

Jane sat thoughtfully for a couple of moments, her mother's declaration making her decision easier. "I think I'll give Tonya a call and let her know I'm in."

Sembri proprio come tua mamma, piccolo (You look just like your mom, baby)

Mio piccolo nipote (my precious grandson)

Author's note: Before you all get up in arms about the obvious differences, please remember this story is an AU. I won't make you wait too longer before we get to meet Maura. I promise!