Disclaimer: I don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho. Though I do think thorned roses are pretty.
A shout out to Perfect Oblivion for being cool. This chapter is dedicated to Broken Angel of Light for asking for a sequel.
Note: when parenthesis surround a name, they indicate point of view [i.e., (Kurama) indicates Kurama's point of view]. Otherwise, they represent normal parenthesis as you would find in a published work, NOT author notes.
Timeline: this story takes place a week or so after Winter After Impact. Why? Because I said so, dammit. Do you people need a reason for everything!?
That Which We Survive
Make the return to
Reality and then we cry
For all we have lost
And forgotten
But tortured is the soul who
Forgets
Nothing
—[no title] Kooriya Yui
Chapter One: Accidental Aftermath
(Third Person)
"It's gone. They're all gone. Nothing's left. It's all gone. It's all gone away. There's nothing to do. But they could come back one day. They'll come back and everything will be okay… But they won't, will they…"
It was a sad sight. Yuusuke felt worse than he ever had as he watched it.
The entire group of them—Yuusuke, Keiko, Yukina, Kuwabara, Botan, and Koenma—had all been staying at Genkai's temple for the last week, awaiting Genkai's return, though they knew it would not be for at least a month. Botan and Koenma used most of their time to examine the spot on the mountainside where Hiei and Kurama had…gone away (for none of them could bring themselves to say the word "suicide") or filing paperwork. Botan even tried a few times to invent new ways for the two to return to the living realm successfully, but none of them made any sense. Because, like it or not—and they certainly did not—there was no way to revive someone who did not want to be brought back, and suicide was the final frontier.
Kuwabara spent his days trying to console both Yukina and himself. He once or twice challenged Yuusuke to a casual bout, the way they had done all their lives before, but neither of them really wanted to, and Yuusuke never accepted.
Keiko cried often. They all wondered how she could have so many tears.
Yuusuke didn't have the heart to do much of anything but work the unworkable job of getting things back to normal. Shiori still didn't know that her precious Shuuichi was gone and never coming back—she thought he had gone, and still was, on a long trip to a foreign country with his friends, as had been the story to let Kurama out of the house for the mission—and Yuusuke felt it was his responsibility to tell her. Kuwabara was at a precarious halfway point between utter misery and delusional happiness, and Yuusuke felt it was his job to get his friend out of it. Keiko didn't seem to want any help, but spent her days crying or walking in the woods, where roses that grew there made her cry even more, and all Yuusuke could do was hug her from time to time and wish he could do more. Koenma and Botan pretended everything was businesslike and professional, but Yuusuke heard Botan crying at night sometimes, and he felt it was up to him to help her feel better.
Yukina no longer blamed herself for her dear brother's death, but now felt it was her fault Kurama had left them, because she had spent so much time blaming him. She was staggering down a wavering line separating clarity and insanity, and Yuusuke worried she would…be next.
She spent most of her days whispering sweet nonsense about how "they" were gone, and sometimes how "they" would come back someday. The part about it that tore Yuusuke's heart in two was that she obviously believed that Hiei and Kurama might come back. But he could never bring himself to speak to her.
He was too depressed.
They were all too depressed.
And, deep down, they all shared one thing that they shouldn't have had to, and they often pretended it wasn't there.
They were all insane.
Even just a little.
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(Hiei)
I watched them. They didn't know; they could have sensed it, I'm sure, but they were too distraught.
I often wondered why. I knew the answer; thought I did, at least. They missed Kurama. Maybe they even missed me, a little. Sometimes. But they cried because they missed Kurama.
I hadn't run into him, and I wondered why, but it didn't matter. He would be looking for me, and he would find me, because that was how Kurama worked. He found what he sought. There was no barrier of different realms to cross; we were both here, in Reikai. I knew he was here somewhere. With the toddler gone, the realm was all in disarray, and no one would have allowed Kurama or me judgment, or opportunity to pass into his or my death.
Once, I thought I felt him watching me, but it couldn't have been him. He would have come over and talked to me. It was his way.
I found myself wishing it was him, though. I wanted him to come talk to me. I couldn't admit it out loud, but I wanted a friend up here, where no one wanted to be mine.
I watched Yuusuke as he walked over to the tree where Yukina used to sit, between the time of my death and the time of Kurama's. He was suffering.
The oaf tried to comfort my sister, but to no avail. He was too depressed himself to be of much use to her. I wanted to tear them apart, to protect her from his idiocy, but I knew I couldn't. Shouldn't.
The toddler and his pet ferry fool put on a cheerful face, but I saw what no one else did. I saw them vainly try to comfort each other and cry themselves to sleep at night.
My sister…she was the one I pitied most of all. For I believe she, out of all of them, only she wished that I was not gone away. The others missed Kurama, but she missed us both, and I would have cried for her if I could.
"Are you going to keep on torturing yourself like this forever?"
"I don't see how it's any concern of yours."
"Oh, but you are my best friend, and I am making it my concern."
"Hn."
Kurama sat down next to me with a small laugh. "I think I'm the only person in all of three realms who can interpret your language correctly, Hiei. Perhaps I should write a book. I could make a fortune."
"I have no language."
"That's not true," Kurama said, chuckling again. "I could write the book, "The Art of Interpreting 'Hn,'" and then you would see. You do have a language. Or maybe I should make it my job to teach you to use words."
I stared out into the vastness of space, the uninspired expanse of nothingness that was the sky. Yukina was sitting below where I rested, whispering to herself that we would return. The others had gone inside.
"Why?"
Kurama looked at me. "Well, it would be quite useful, don't you think? For the only person in all the realms who could understand something to write a book allowing other people to understand it, too."
I shook my head. "Not that."
He looked out at the sky where I looked, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw comprehension dawn on him. He waited, though, and I did not ask again.
"…I don't know."
"That's wrong," I accused. "You had a reason. You wouldn't have done it otherwise."
He paused again, and I wondered if I had said or done something wrong. Then I realized that it didn't matter.
Kurama lay back against the sky, folding his hands behind his head and laying in them. His eyes still had the electric green glitter they always had. But…more so.
As I watched, a tear fell. More followed it.
"I didn't think it through, I suppose. I didn't think of all the people I would miss, all the things I would never get to see, or do, or say. Or…anything…"
My gaze softened then, I think. "Regret?"
Kurama nodded. "It's funny," he said, though to me, it did not seem funny at all. "I never make rash decisions. Never did. I never had, before this. But now I feel regret, and it's a new sensation. I recognize it, though…a deep heaviness in my heart, that I wish would just go away…"
The glitter was gone from his eyes, and I realized it had just been the tears before they fell. Now the green was not electric, but dull, flat, emeralds that needed to be shined.
"You shouldn't have done it."
"I know…" His voice broke and another few tears fell. It almost made me pity him.
But then I remembered it was his fault he was here in the first place.
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(Yuusuke)
Yukina was a mess, and I didn't know how much longer I could stand to see her like that. Not very, I guessed.
"Hiei, why did you leave, dammit?" I asked, not really expecting a response, but knowing that maybe, just maybe, he was watching over us, and he would hear me. "Why did you do this to us? Why did you hurt us like this?"
I'm not that afraid of looking unmanly. I've cried before; a few times. I couldn't count them all for you, but I have done it, I know it. I cried over Hiei. I cried over Kurama, too, but by the pain was dulled a little and I didn't have all that many tears left. I was crying now.
"We're falling apart, Hiei," I mumbled to the sky. Then, suddenly overcome by a rush of inexplicable fury: "And it's all your fucking fault!"
I felt a small jerk of youki right then; it was weird, like whatever was emitting it had just moved, and then stopped. But then something happened, and I was sure he was watching us.
There were flowers growing in Genkai's garden. Kurama had tended to them, really well, and since this is Kurama we're talking about, there were roses. Real pretty ones, dark red. Yukina loved them best. I probably wouldn't say it, but I liked to look at them from time to time.
One of the roses, on the line closest to me, bent over slightly, then the stalk snapped in two and it fell to the ground. A light wind blew over the blossom, and it stopped when it hit my shoe. It could have been a natural thing, but somehow I connected the little burst of youki with the rose, and I knew.
"It's still all your fault, man," I said to the sky. But I picked up the flower anyway, and put it in my pocket.
I heard a door open and then slide shut, and I looked over. Yukina was walking down the steps, Kuwabara at her side, holding her hand. They were talking quietly, and I jogged over.
"Hey guys." My mood was falsely lighthearted. They knew it, and so did I, but we were depressed and we went with it.
"Better not get too close, Urameshi, or I just might pound the shit out of you," Kuwabara flaunted, showing off his biceps for Yukina, who smiled.
"Come on, Kuwabara, we all know that's a load of crap." I waved my arm dismissively. "Hey Yukina. I don't understand why you hang out with this lummox so much, but I guess to each his own, or something like that. Right?"
Her laugh was tinny and small. "Right," she said with a too-bright smile.
I fished around in my pocket and withdrew the rose. "Here." I handed it to Yukina, and she took it curiously.
"Did you pick this from the garden, Yuusuke-san? You don't normally do things like that; was something wrong?"
Of course something's wrong, Yukina, but I won't be the one to say it. "It had fallen over on itself," I said, leaving out the part about the phantom youki and what I sensed had been Hiei. "I picked it up off the ground."
"Oh. Well, thank you, Yuusuke-san!" She nestled it behind her ear.
"…But that's the one thing I don't understand," came Botan's voice from the doorway as she and Koenma walked outside. "It doesn't make any sense, and he always makes sense."
Koenma had the audacity to look exasperated. "We've been over this, Botan."
"I know, I know, but still. I just don't get it."
"I don't get a lot of things about that man; this is just one of them."
I don't get a lot of things about Kurama, either.
But by the gods above and the demons below, I wish, I wish I got this one.
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(Kurama)
"It's not as though any of them miss me, but they all miss you. Why'd you do it?"
"Because I missed you, dammit!"
Hiei let the conversation lull for a long minute, eying me in what I would call a suspicious fashion. How very odd.
"You did not."
"I did! I missed you, they missed you, we all did! They still do, and Hiei, I swear, if you think they don't, then you're not half as smart as I've always given you credit for. They want you back!"
"They want you back, too."
I was raging, I knew, but I think I simply needed to get it out of my system.
"Hiei, why did you do it? I know why I did, and I regret it more than I've ever regretted anything in my life. I've never regretted anything in my life, you know. But I do this. But you, Hiei, why did you do it?"
"I thought—"
"Wait." I raised my hand. "If you're going to feed me some drivel about how your life didn't have meaning any longer, stop right there. Yukina doesn't think that's so. I don't think that's so. If nothing else, she needs you. I needed you. If everyone down there would clear their heads for a moment, they would blame you for my death, and they would be right."
"She doesn't—"
"More lies, Hiei! She does need you! She knows you're her brother now, Hiei, did you forget that that's what started all this in the first place? She may have her friends, she may have people who love and protect her, she may have Kuwabara—don't deny it, he's devoted to her—but now she knows her brother, her brother, is dead! Not just her friend Hiei. Her brother Hiei!
"Do you know what she told me? A few times, in fact. She told me she wished you were her brother."
I had stopped him then, I knew. He paused, frozen in midair for a moment before looking down at her, a soft shimmer in his eyes. It blended oddly with his usual sharp glare.
"I wonder why she didn't ever tell you. I think perhaps she assumed it would turn you away, or make you uncomfortable. She really does care for you, you know."
Rambling on, I didn't try to stop myself. Talking helped distract from the awkwardness that would await Koenma's return to Reikai and thereby, our judgment and placement, and from my steadily growing senses of guilt and regret.
"I also think she has an idea that you really are her brother. Your eyes are the same—you two are so similar, physically, and complete opposites in every other way, as many twins are. Twins are either quite the same, or exactly opposite from each other, for instance the fact that you control fire and she controls ice. It's interesting, biologically and psychologically, don't you think? Not to mention an interesting thing to observe normally. She'd have to have made the connection, I believe. She's smart, very much so. It's quite obvious when you just think about it."
"Kurama, shut up."
I should have, would have expected him to say such a thing if I were not so distracted by my inner turmoil.
"She's crying," he whispered. I looked down in time to see the sun reflect off of a beautifully perfect hiruseiki stone, which had just fallen to the dirt of the yard.
If you asked me when Hiei realized how much our friends really did miss him, I would tell you it was just then.
I took his hand and glided down, through the roof and into the shrine, to where Yuusuke and Keiko sat on a tatami, before a small and very controlled fire. Keiko cried into Yuusuke's chest, and every once in awhile, a tear would fall from behind his closed eyes, as well. Kuwabara knelt before the fire opposite them, his eyes closed, as well, and his hands pressed together in prayer.
Keiko was murmuring softly.
"Why did Hiei have to go? That's what started all this, that's when everything went so wrong…and I miss him so much… And Kurama, why isn't he here? He should be here to talk logically about everything, to give reason to Hiei's passing, to comfort us all…because he's always all right… But no, he can't, because he's gone, now, too, and I miss him so, so much…and Hiei…and how can I ever be expected to replace friends like them?"
She raised her head to look Yuusuke in the eye. "How!? How dare they make me find new friends like them? How dare they!"
Yuusuke shook his head, defeated. Clearly, this was not the first time Keiko had asked such unanswerable questions.
"I don't know…"
"You see?" I whispered. "They miss you."
If I could have any one thing at that moment in time, I would have wanted to know what we were both doing there, specters floating above our friends, above where we belonged. What had possessed us to do the terrible acts we had each done.
I would have wanted to know why we could not have survived.
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(Keiko)
I don't think any of my friends know it, but I've always been just a little interested in spiritual things—not Reikai, which comes with the territory when your boyfriend works for the god of the dead, but prayer and religion. I was praying for Kurama's and Hiei's departed souls in front of a small fire that I had sprinkled with special herbs and spices.
I said prayers in my head.
'Please let the dear departed souls of our friends Hiei and Kurama pass into the afterlife placidly and without strife. Please give me and all those suffering from this great loss the strength to continue on with our newly burdened lives.
'Please let Yuusuke alleviate our pain from his shoulders and release the responsibility for making all of us feel better. Please let Kuwabara find peace within himself and dry his eyes with a calm spirit helped by all of us who are his friends. Please let Botan accept that which is truth and find the strength to help our dear friends Hiei and Kurama find peace. Please let Koenma accept that which is truth and let our dear friends Hiei and Kurama pass easily into the afterlife. Please let Yukina stop blaming herself for all things bad which have come from this, and please let her gentle joy return.
'Please let me find truth and be unselfish in receiving aid from our friends, because I do not need comfort most of us all.
'Please, above all else that I have selfishly asked for, let Hiei and Kurama have tranquility from whatever things had been tormenting their souls on Earth, and let them at last be at peace.'
I never would have thought it, but I really, really miss Hiei. I always saw him as the most cold hearted and distant member of Yuusuke's little…crew. I never thought I even really liked him. But now that he's gone, I can't deny it, I really, really miss him. I want him back.
I want Kurama back and I want Hiei back and I want everything to go back to the way it was before.
That's the problem with death, isn't it? Everyone always wants things to go back to the way they were before. Before death, before hate, before everything. But they can't. Not even the god of the dead can turn back time to before.
I wonder what Hiei and Kurama think of all of this. They probably think we're pathetic, sitting here mourning over what's gone and can't be brought back. Crying, crying, unable to stop ourselves. They don't cry. I have never seen Hiei or Kurama cry over anything, not ever. They're strong that way. Maybe it's stupidity that keeps them from crying, maybe it's strength, maybe it's wisdom, but whatever it is, I wish I had it right now. I wish I could dry my eyes and stop drenching Yuusuke's shirt and be strong for once.
"Keiko…"
It takes me awhile to look up. I have to stop myself from choking out another sob before I can look into Yuusuke's eyes.
"Keiko, it's okay to be sad… I'm sad too."
I cling tighter and choke again.
Yuusuke's grip tightened around my shoulders and he leaned his face into my hair.
"I only wish I could cry like you do. But my tears are all gone. My pain has dulled, blunt. I cried earlier on. Yesterday. But not any more. I'm too…tired, I guess. But Keiko, I wish I could cry like you can."
"No, you don't," I manage to get out. "I wish I could be as strong as you are and not cry. You don't want to be like me, Yuusuke, you don't. Please don't say you do. It's tearing me up inside." More tears came then, and I buried my face in his neck. "Oh, gods, Yuusuke, I want them back…"
Why can't the god of death turn back time, huh? Why can't Hiei still be here? Why not Kurama? I want before and I want it now!
I miss them so much, and I am so weak…
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(Yukina)
"You think we should say something?"
"I don't know what I'd say…"
I hear them say those things all the time. I know they think I'm losing my mind. I used to think I was, too.
Not anymore, though.
Not since my brother visited me.
They all think it strange, and I doubt any of them believe me. I've long since stopped trying to convince them. I don't know that I would believe it, either, and I can't blame them. For a long while, I wasn't sure I believed it, myself.
But I've changed my opinion since…a few days ago, maybe? I don't keep track of time much, anymore.
I was brooding in the garden. I did that far too much. A light breeze washed over me; it had a calming affect on my nerves, being cold as it was. Cold things always calmed me. Due to my origins on Koorime, I suppose is the natural conclusion. The scents of the winter-laced forest blew in and soothed me, carrying a tinge of fresh pine and soft snow.
The snow calmed me most of all, but then, the pine overwhelmed me, and I was reminded of my dear brother. He always smelled pleasantly of pine. Intermingled with the sweet tree scent was another, one that I was most unfamiliar with, but recognized right away.
It was the scent of fire.
A sharp, clear sting, not at all as unpleasant as it sounds. I have no way to describe the scent of fire, you see. It cannot be done. It is almost fruity, in a way, like juicy oranges and bitter lemons. Clean, like water, if you could say water even has its own scent. Sharp, something metallic about it, but without the unpleasant aftertaste. Flowing, most of all; a glorious, sweet, tangy liquid, the most pleasant sensation I have ever come across.
This fire surrounded me, a wondrous, fluid coat, immersing me in a flood of sensation spurred all by a simple smell. Somehow I knew, though I do not know how I did, that this fire smell was being sensed by me, and me alone. Combined with the tang of pine and the cold of snow, the scent was something uniquely and perfectly Hiei, and I loved it, and somehow, I knew. My brother was watching over me, and he had given me this treat because he wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to know he was there.
Somehow he linked the two, and that alone lifted my fallen spirits a bit. More than I suspect he would imagine. Him connecting my happiness to my knowing he was keeping his watch.
I think that must have contributed, at least a little, to their thinking I was going insane. But what they did not appear to realize, perhaps to drowned in their own misery to think clearly, was that sadness and insanity differed, albeit slightly. I was not mad, just depressed. Quite so…
"Hiei-san?" I asked softly. He wasn't there, I sensed, not anymore, but my sorrow could be jumbling my senses. I could be wrong. And if I was, I wanted to tell him something now.
"Hiei, there isn't much for me to say to you, not in just a moment, not without being face-to-face, but I do want to tell you one thing…
"Thank you, my brother."
I smiled.
"…You know what for."
They had to think me mad by now.
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(Hiei)
"She loves you, you know."
"I know."
She loves everyone.
Kurama picked up on the unspoken comment, I thought. But he didn't press it, and for that I was thankful.
She knew I was watching her then. Or, if she didn't know, she hoped, or suspected. The scent of fire had been a dead giveaway, though it had been a few days past. She remembered it as if it had been this very morning. Linking the pine, the snow, and a little of the fire I had tossed into the wind—and how convenient it had been—she had sensed my presence, if only for a moment.
I knew she had.
"Why did you leave her?"
I sighed deeply, tired of the question. Not because Kurama had asked it too many times—no, this was the first, in fact—but because I had asked myself the same thing, over and over, and had come up with no better answer the first time than the last. Yet I continued to ask it, again and again. And I was sick of it by now.
"The same reasons I left you, I suspect."
He smiled, a wistful sort of thing, off into the clouds. "That doesn't answer my question and you know it."
I nodded. Whether he saw me or not, it didn't matter. He knew what I would do, what I would say.
"I was tired of…everything." I could feel it; I was about to pour my heart out to the kitsune, and there was little I could do or say to stop it.
"Tired of being unloved, abandoned by the ones I loved most. Tired of being unwanted. Tired of being thrown off of cliffs. Tired of hearing "that wasn't what I wanted to hear." Tired of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Tired of being wrong."
"So you gave up?"
I snorted. "You read the letter, baka. You know what I said."
He chuckled daintily, behind one hand. "That I did, Hiei. You're right."
"Now you're just patronizing me."
Another laugh, louder this time.
"I'm sorry. I couldn't resist."
"I'll bet."
He outright chortled this time, not bothering to even try and hide it. I barely restrained myself from whacking him on the back of the head.
"Please, don't hurt me," he managed, clearly trying to recover himself. "Just…just a moment…"
He calmed rather quickly after that, and I glared off into the distance.
"So," he began again, holding his stomach in the most subtle of ways—that is, entirely noticeably. "Say, just for a moment, say we were given a chance to be revived."
He paused, and I guessed he waited to see if I would scorn the idea before he even said it, or even leave. I didn't, and he was encouraged.
"Would you do it?"
"Be revived?"
"Yes, would you?"
"No… Why would I?"
He looked off into the vast beyond, watching the clouds spiral by and the winds blow the trees over slightly, letting them brush the roof of the shrine—for we were still there, at the shrine, watching. Long moments passed.
"I think the greater question is, why would you not?"
"Hn."
He paused again, and silence settled over us in waves. Each cresting thrall, I felt sure one of us would speak, but we never did. Silence was my friend. Had been. Was. Remained.
Silence was.
I didn't think of anything, anywhere, anyone. Just let it all wash over me in vivid throbs of quiet.
I slowly came to realize that my companion was speaking.
"…Would you not? I'd think…it would be a wondrous opportunity to remedy such a…terrible error. Such a terrible mistake."
My eyes were downcast of their own accord, and I watched as Yukina knelt before the roses. Yuusuke stood behind her, watching caringly, his arm around his woman, around Keiko. Kuwabara sat on the steps, his head in his hands. The demi-god and his pet were nowhere around.
"It was no mistake…"
"No? Perhaps not," Kurama allowed. "Perhaps it was not. You were in your right mind. I am sorry for such a miscalculation on my part."
My eyes shifted sideways, but my head was still tilted down, and he was looking away, anyway.
"But would you say, now, that it was an error? Something that happened that should not have?"
I would not give the kitsune the satisfaction of being right when I was wrong—not normally—but for some reason, now, I did not mind so much. Not here.
"I guess it was."
Another pause, another lull enveloped us, and I slowly shook my head, clearing the jumbled thought. This was too much to take in all at once, and I didn't like it.
"So…back to the original question…"
"Hm?"
A stalling breath. "Would you take the chance, if given, to revive into the world which you left?"
A mere stalling pause. I didn't answer. Didn't speak. I don't know if I even breathed.
"I believe I would…"
I would do almost anything for my sister. And if it happened to serve the desires of those others down there, well, that was simply unavoidable. But I had not taken into account one simple detail.
I wanted to go back.
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(Kuwabara)
"Urameshi!"
"Whaat?"
"I feel…something weird here… I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but it's here and it's following us and it's not very clear… Do you feel it, too?"
Urameshi shrugged me off impatiently. "No… Is your reikan acting up on you again?"
"Urameshi!" How offensive of him to say that to me, the most sensitive of the group! I would've tried to start a fight with him if things had been different. "My reikan is not 'acting up!'" Not like I shouldn't have expected it, coming from him, but still…!
Or maybe I'm overreacting. I've done that a few times over the last few weeks. Since…that day. And then since that…other day, I've only done it more.
But something was following me—following us all, and I was worried about it. It was too complicated to be some renegade dead woman chasing me with a knife 'cause she'd gone insane. Too complicated…and maybe there was more than one…
I was worried for my dear Yukina-chan most of all, but I tried to look at the rest of them and worry, too. It kind of worked.
But I couldn't stop worrying for dear Yukina-chan because sometimes, a few times, I heard Hiei's voice carrying through the gardens, speaking to someone else. Then sometimes I would hear Kurama's voice saying things, and they seemed to be answering what I heard Hiei's voice say. I couldn't make much of it, because I only heard little bits and pieces of what they said, but I thought they sounded like they were arguing about something.
Or maybe I was just going crazy. Maybe something would possess me next, and I would kill myself, too.
No way. That was a stupid thought. Stupid and negative. Couldn't think that. That was bad.
I sounded crazy, even to myself.
Yukina was brooding in the gardens; maybe I could go talk to her for awhile.
"Hey Yuki—oh…never mind, I'll just leave…"
She was crying again. Not a lot, but I say some sparkly hiruseiki on the ground, and somehow I knew she had just cried them. She raised her head to look at me, but I had already started to turn around and leave. I only saw her out of the corner of my eye.
"Kazuma-san…please, what were you coming here for?"
She sounded so hopeful… It made me sad, for some reason.
Maybe that was the craziness starting to take over me. I felt sad when other people felt happy, and maybe I would feel happy when I was supposed to feel sad. I could only wait and see, I guess.
"Oh, Yukina-chan, I was just coming to see if you wanted to talk for a little. But I guess you're busy? So I'll…see you later."
"Oh, Kazuma-san, please! It's nothing, really. Come, stay, talk with me."
See, now, here I would normally feel really, really happy. I was getting to talk, alone, with the lovely, wonderful, perfect Yukina-chan. But I couldn't get myself out of feeling sad.
"O-okay…"
She moved to sit on the grass, and patted a spot next to her. "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"
She sounded so cheerful…I think… Or maybe she was sounding really depressed, and it was just my craziness that made me think she sounded happy.
"Nothing, really, I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk. You know, about…things. About whatever."
Man, I sounded so stupid…
"Kazuma-san, do you believe…"
She trailed off, and I wondered what she had been about to say.
"Believe what?"
"Do you believe my brother watches over me, even in death?"
"Your brother? Oh, right, Hiei." I had been about to call him the Shrimp, but that wouldn't seem right. Not here, not now, not to her.
"Yes, Hiei-san. Do you believe he keeps watching out for me, even from Reikai? Beyond the grave?"
I could tell her now. This was the perfect opportunity to tell her about hearing Hiei's and Kurama's voices.
But for some reason, I didn't.
"I think he'll always watch out for you, whether you want him to or not. It's part of who he is and what he does."
She looked down at the ground and smiled, kind of regretfully. I wondered if there was something she knew about it, about Hiei watching over her, that she wasn't telling me. Looking back on it, I don't know how I could have thought there wasn't.
"Thank you, Kazuma-san."
She went back to meditating on the rock, and I waited a minute before I got up and left.
I still don't know how I could have missed what was staring me right in the face.
Maybe I was just going crazy.
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(Botan)
"URAMESHI YUUSUKE, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"Ahhh, Botan, what'd I do now?"
He didn't do anything, of course. But, like Kuwabara's challenging him to spars we all know will never go on, this is normalcy, and this is saving me from depression of a more…irreversible variety.
Now that he's coming, I need something to blame him for, which is, of course, the problem. There is nothing for which to lay blame. So something must be invented.
I chip a sizable corner off of my oar before he gets over to me.
"LOOK AT THIS!"
"Yeah, I see it, and I didn't do it! You always blame me for everything! I bet you did it, didn't you?"
"Now why in three realms would I do that? I bet you were careless with your Rei Gan, you dirty liar! If I get in trouble with Koenma-sama for this, you're going to pay!"
I'll run at him, swinging the broken oar over my head like a…a…banshee with a baseball bat, and hit him as many times as I can before he uses his "super-speed" and runs away.
Oars are easy to replace, and Koenma-sama would never reprimand me for a broken one. It's all an act on my part, of course. Easy, but an act nonetheless.
I burst into tears as I run, the normalcy of it all overwhelming me and tearing at the brittle glass walls I've built up to protect my frailty. The tears blend with the sweat forming on my brow and dripping down my cheeks, though, and no one notices.
No one but me.
This is how it's gone for the last few weeks. Ever since we all got used to—sort of, anyway—the idea that Hiei had permanently left us all. Then when Kurama followed him, the pretending, the façade that had begun to die down? Then it all returned with a vengeance.
I want to hate them, almost. But I don't, not really, no matter how much I pretend. I don't want to, and I can't fake it forever.
I should really have been in Reikai, helping out around with all the new souls that needed collecting. Maybe even tending to Kurama's and Hiei's respective cases. But there were sad Tantei here, and sad Tantei didn't work very much, or very well. Especially when they were all sad over the same thing. At the same time.
I wonder if Hiei and Kurama were watching us. I wonder if they thought we were pathetic.
I would.
It's enough to make a girl wonder why none of us have done anything about it. We all think we're pathetic. We're all starting to hate ourselves, I think. Yet none of us take action. Koenma-sama and I refuse to bite the bullet and go back to Reikai. The others all deny themselves the opportunities that are right in front of them.
I keep telling myself, "Go back tomorrow. I'll go back tomorrow. I'll get Koenma-sama and just order him to go back with me, and we'll go back tomorrow."
It never happens.
The plan and the idea are all well and good, but with no will to carry them out, they serve no purpose.
I'm tired. I don't know how long I can do this. How much more of this damn charade I can take.
Koenma and I comfort each other. Sort of. It doesn't do much, really. The blind leading the blind. He comforts me, but end up spinning some long, fanciful tale that always ends in "happily ever after." I comfort him, but always burst into tears halfway through.
There's not much we can do but that. I can't burden the Tantei with my sorrow, and I won't stop hiding in the bathroom and crying over the sink.
I don't know what more I can do, and I don't know how much longer I can do it.
But still, this false normalcy, this false hatred, it's all there, and I do fake it, no matter how much I don't want to. Because normalcy is saving us all from lunacy, and even bogus normalcy is better than surrendering to the madness.
I'll go back tomorrow.
That's what I tell myself.