NOT YOUR AVERAGE FICTIONAL CHARACTER

Because he doesn't care and says he can sell a hundred more silver Volvos than that Cullen can do in a week.

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DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO, THE TWILIGHT SAGA OR STEPHENIE MEYER'S PLOTS.

Note: Bashing and ranting is used on Edward Cullen here---By Sasuke, not me. Why? Because I love Twilight too, but then…I love Sasuke more. XD

Enjoy and NO OFFENSE!!!

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"Sasuke-kun! Naruto! Look, look what I have!!!!" An annoying, high pitched female voice broke my train of thoughts. I looked at my right and saw Haruno Sakura, my teammate grinning like a Cheshire cat and holding what looks like a rolled piece of cardboard.

"Sasuke-kun! Guess what this is!?" Sakura asked me excitedly. How the hell should I know? And why should I waste my time guessing what that piece of cardboard has? I'm sure it's my picture. Another picture of me that is to be added up in her room. I know, I know, Haruno Sakura is that shameless. How do I know that she keeps pictures of me in her room? Because I just know. After all, I am the hottest man alive. Though I won't say that aloud, I just know that I can get any girl to go with me. The only problem is, I don't find any of them, or even other people, worthy of my time. Except my teammates of course---now, now, I know I'm mellowing.

But that's the way it is, you know? I owe them everything, and yes, you thought wrong. I am actually capable of being grateful.

"Sasuke-kun?" The annoying voice broke through again and I looked at her face, which was full of worry. Honestly, why does she worry too much? I'm back, okay? I'm b-a-c-k.

"Hn. I don't know." I replied and looked at the flowing river under the bridge.

"Sasuke, you're really no fun! Sakura-chan, let me guess instead!!!" Naruto shook Sakura's shoulders excitedly, as I have seen from their reflection at the water. Wait. Why does Sakura let Naruto touch her? From what I have known, I'm sure Naruto would be flying off to Saturn by now, but, no, Sakura is smiling at him. Why does she let Naruto touch her, especially at the shoulders!?

"Okay, okay, Naruto. Just get your hands off me." Sakura replied with a cautionary tone. Naruto obeyed, his arms now behind his blonde head, supporting it. I smirked. That is how it's supposed to be. Of course, no one is allowed to touch Sakura.

Why? Because I don't want to. And I always get what I want.

"Naruto, guess what this cardboard is! Clue: I have waited in line since 5 in the morning for this, paid this in advance last month and pictures like this are also everywhere, even in billboards around!!!" Sakura showed Naruto the rolled up paper.

My smirk, as I saw from my reflection in the water, grew wider. I knew it. It's my picture. See, Sakura is really, really barefaced.

"So, first, it's a picture, right, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, his eyes turning to slits. Sakura nodded and for a split second, I caught her staring at me. Uh-huh. It's my picture, all right. My picture that is to be posted up in her wall, my picture which she bought a month in advance and waited in line since the wee hours of the morning.

Those photographers that take stolen shots of me should be sued. They make money out of my face, my body and I get nothing. Not that I care, the Uchiha clan's fortune is all mine, and it sums up to fourteen times more than those blind, gay-ish Hyuuga clan's net worth. What I'm saying is, that is a disruption of my privacy, and they should all go to hell.

"Um…ano sa….it's the Teme's picture??" Naruto asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

I prevented from nodding my head in agreement, but my smirk grew wider. See? Even Naruto, the usuratonkatchi, knows that I am that popular and drooled-at by girls, even one-fourths of the male population.

And then, Sakura broke into laughter. Small fits of baby-like laughter that I find amusing, surprisedly.

"Sa-sasuke-kun's picture?!!!? WHY would I buy Sasuke-kun's picture in a month's advance? WHY would I wake up at five in the morning just for it? WHY, oh why would I do that when I see his face in the morning, noon, and night?" Sakura was throwing fits of her baby laughter again, the rolled up poster held at her chest.

I frowned. Duh. Of course, I am, after all, UCHIHA SASUKE. And yes, "duh" is actually a part of my vocabulary.

Of course she would do all those three things for me. After all, she will do anything and everything for me, right? I turned around, watching her continue her laughter, joining Naruto as he also looked at Sakura like she was some kind of maniac. Yes, I think Sakura is already a maniac because that picture isn't of me.

"Sakura-chan…then whose picture is it??" Naruto asked, dumbfounded.

"Why, you boys should really get into more social events!!!" Sakura shook her head, untying the ribbon that held the poster into a roll. "Sasuke-kun, Naruto, I want you to meet…"

The rolled up paper rolled down, revealing a man, with pale skin, butterscotch colored eyes and weird looking tousled brown hair who was dressed in blue jeans, grey shirt and a black jacket, leaning onto a silver car, which I recognized as a Volvo S60R.

"EDWARD CULLEN with his Silver Volvo!!!" Sakura squealed, bedazzlement clear in her green orbs.

And with that, I knew all hell broke lose and Edward Cullen will surely go to HELL.

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"Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!!" Girls screamed as the Edward Cullen boy entered the school cafeteria in the movie screen. For the umpteenth time, I asked myself why I had let Sakura, that annoying little pesky bitch, drag me here at the Cinemas. Naruto was sent on a mission yesterday and Kakashi was nowhere to be found. Yamanaka was going out with that boring, lazy ass Nara, so Sakura had asked me last night when I had walked her home. Wait. I walked her home last night? I must be out of my mind.

"Sasuke-kun, the name of the actor is Robert Pattinson and oh my God, don't you think he is hot?!!" Sakura asked me, a handful of butter popcorn close to her mouth. I glared at her. Why would another guy think that another male is hot as girls put it? I just glared at her and sipped my Pepsi noisily as I stared at the screen. The leading female character, a brunette with a pale complexion was eyeing the boy at their Biology class, then the gargantuan electric fan blew on her and in turn "Edward" covered his nose and mouth with his hand.

Nice.

"Ooh! Edward is trying to restrain himself from jumping into her and ravage her! Literally, Sasuke-kun, literally!!!" Sakura shook my left arm, clinging onto the blue cotton fabric. I glared at her, again, but she did not notice. She's creasing my long-sleeved dark blue shirt, dammit!

"Sakura, you're close to ruining my shirt," I said defiantly through gritted teeth. First, I was dragged to a cheesy film and now, I'll be coming out of the mall with a ripped shirt? The girls have never acknowledged my presence throughout the whole film, which I thank Kami for. Truthfully, I hate it when they glomp on me. No, I hate too much attention but I, Uchiha Sasuke, am ignored for Edward Cullen?! That 97 year old bastard who is even older that Oro-gaymaru or the SanDaime?! Oh all you people should all go to straight to hell.

"Oh. So-sorry, Sasuke-kun." Sakura released her grip on my wrist, looked down for five seconds and now fixed her eyes to the screen, her front teeth biting her lower lip and her hands on her thighs. Shit. That felt bad.

Sakura was wearing a red V-necked tank top, black mini skirt and boots. I always find it bizarre, exotic even, how her dresses, skirts, and shorts fit well with boots and how it always looked good on her. Some other girls had tried this "fashion trend," as they called it, before and I find them sordid and inappropriate, not trendy. I always wondered how Sakura's style is so simple but spontaneous at the same time, earning a couple of boys always undressing her with his eyes, like that one.

I glared at the blonde boy who was eyeing her at the left corner of the cinema, and he switched his eyes on the screen. I frowned at the screen and saw that Edward had stopped a vehicle from crushing Bella with his hand. Bella looked at him and the ridge that his hand made on the car door. People gasped, and whispered , "Oh my God," and "Why can't you do that?!" to each other. What the hell? What's so tantalizing about that? I can do that anyday, even Sakura can. Or Naruto. Freaking hell, what's up with these people?! Have they forgotten that they live in Konoha? Konoha which is full of shinobis and kunoichis who can do better than that Cullen freak!!??

Save me from this, Kami. I shook my head and threw a handful of popcorn in my mouth, to prevent myself from cussing every single person inside this theater.

Sasuke, deal with this. If you have dealt with that Oro-gaymaru for three years who wanted to have your body for himself and asked you every single day to plait his hair or put a headband on it (which you refused, of course), then you can deal with this. Come on.

"Sa-sasuke-kun, here." Sakura handed me her bucket of popcorn when she saw mine was empty.

"Take it. I'm full already." My eyes looking at the screen which now has Edward saving Bella again from muggers who liked to rape her. He seethed at them like some animal and got inside his car.

What the hell is he? Honestly, I don't know anything about this crap or whatever—whoever—Edward is. All from the beginning, he is saying that they shouldn't be friends or asking her what her "guesses" were. What-The-Hell? People around seem to know who or what Edward is and I'm the only one in the cinema who doesn't know what he is?! HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND THE FILM WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TELLING AND ASKING FROM THE BEGINNING WHAT EDWARD WAS? A retard. Yes, I have come to the conclusion that Edward Cullen IS a retard.

"Gosh. She's already going to figure out that Edward-kun is a vampire!!!" Sakura whispered, catching her breath.

?

Edward­-kun ? ! ? !

.?

A vampire?!

"A what?" I suddenly blurted aloud, letting Sakura hear my question. Sakura looked at me and then smiled. "Oh, sorry Sasuke-kun, I forgot you aren't really into this genre of films or books."

Damn right I'm NOT.

"You see, Stephenie Meyer is the writer of Twilight, it was first a book. Edward Cullen is an immortal vampire, who doesn't drink blood of humans but only blood of animals. They belong to the race of vampires that are well, let's say, good." Sakura explained.

"And he can also read minds and has amazing speed and strength!!!" Sakura pointed at Edward on the screen.

And I can read every mind in this room…Money…Sex…Sex…Money…Sex…Cat. Edward said, and I find it utterly ridiculous.

Reading other people's minds? Come on, does Stephenie Meyer know me or anything? Maybe she is one of my fangirls and decided to make money out of my abilities. Mind reading abilities?! What a cheap, second-grade, try hard copy of the, my Sharingan. And speed and strength?!

Pshttt. So me.

I want to get out of this cinema. NOW. This movie is making me gag. I looked at Sakura and saw that since she was dazzled and enthralled at the actor, Edward Cullen who was nothing but an average fictional character and who was a cheap copy of me, I decided to just walk out of the cinema and just wait for Sakura outside after this movie, if you could call it that, is finished so that it can rot down there.

"Sak---"

"Sasuke-kun, I'm sorry that I've dragged you here. I know that you really, really hate this movie, but please stay with me for another forty minutes. Please?" Sakura asked ahead of me. She was holding my wrist down, creasing my shirt again. Damn.

I glared at her, and she stared at me back with her light colored eyes. She thinks she can beat mine? No.

But then, as I have stated earlier, I am not an ungrateful bastard. "All right." See?

On the screen, Edward the punk is saying something cheesy to the girl.

"I…don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore…"

"Then don't,"

Shoot me now. But, not that I'll die you know.

.? Remind me again why I chose to be a grateful bastard. Remind me again, shithead. I shook my head and leaned back against the cushioned chair, closing my eyes. I'll just go better meditate than see whatever crap those two will do or say to one another. Let them do whatever the hell they want and if this will turn out to an X-Rated Film, then let the KFP kill em all. What? What were you saying? What is the "KFP?" Are you a retard? Konoha Film Police. Go read your academy manual.

As you read your academy manual, let me meditate through this movie. Or whatever crap this is.

Twenty minutes later…

I opened my eyes, and shifted them from the sudden light that was coming from the screen. I looked around, people were gasping, some were cuddling each other, and the couple beside us is making-out. How many children of Konoha were made in this cinema? Go get a freaking hotel room if you're minors, idiots.

"Oh my god," Sakura whispered gripping her Coke plastic cup. Coke? Please. Pepsi is a lot, lot better than Coke. Coke equals losers. Pepsi? Equals cool Uchiha Sasuke. Uh-huh. "Sexy…" Sakura muttered, her green orbs transfixed to the screen.

"Don't move…" Edward told Bella. They were in her freaking bed and both wearing royal blue shirts. What's that coincidence? Or does Edward peek inside Bella's closet? Sick.

And they were both on her bed. See, I told you this Edward is perverted. Unlike me, no matter how I know how much god-like my appearance is and how I'm such a chick magnet, I don't really flaunt it or use it to ravage cute, innocent girls like Bella. Or Sakura. See? Oh, and if you were wondering about Karin, about why I didn't ravage her, as she put it? You see, I hate sluts like her. Pressing her boobs on my arm whenever possible, she is the most shameless psychopathic woman I have ever come across in my life. And yes, you're right, she did save my life twice. So, what? Sakura did, too and I left her in the end. What makes Karin so special, huh, Karin lovers? At least Sakura is special in her own way and understands me and does not undress herself in front of me or puts a hidden camera in my room. The last part? Yes, that was what Suigetsu was telling Karin about how he knew that she did something to me back there. SEE? Karin is a psychobitch and Sakura is an angel, so back off Sakura haters. Deteriorate in hell with Edward Cullen.

"Oh my goodness…." Sakura muttered. Edward was kissing Bella and there! He slammed her on her bed! Perv! And Bella is…what the f!?

Edward flew to the wall, preventing himself. Bella was only in her knickers? Tch. Perverted Edward.

"What the hell…" Sakura muttered.

I closed my eyes again, not wanting to even hear or see what's coming next. I just gotta finish this chick flick or whatever the hell they call it. Now I know this for sure. Edward Cullen is nothing more than a cheesy teenage 97-year old (see the oxymoron?!) who has hormones that he can't prevent from gushing out and even if he does ride in a silver Volvo S60R and this actor, Norbert Pattyson or whatever his name is that is playing Edward Cullen made the Volvo Company sell more S60Rs that they have ever sold in their history then, to hell with them and I don't care.

WHY?

Because I am a lot, lot better than him. Even if no one is asking me, I can now answer that question in your mind. Yes, I am better than Edward Cullen. I am hotter, sexier, stronger, faster, paler, AND I have better hair. So if Sakura, Karin, Yamanaka, Guren (see? Even Guren. She even gave me a large heart crystal!) or you want Edward more, then so be it. I do not care because you are idiotic for choosing that geezer.

After an impossible baseball game, snarling at each others' faces and spitting their saliva at each other, several car chases, banging and burning each other in a freaking ballet studio and fake transforming Bella at the prom just to give her a hickey, the movie was finally over, thank the Uchiha ancestors.

We were out of the cinema and all I can see were people smiling stupidly, or gazing at the night sky with love clear in their eyes.

"Gosh, their love story is greater than anything---Forbidden love. And how Edward will leave her in New Moon…I don't think I can stand that!" A girl was telling this to her boyfriend.

New Moon. Yeah, that's about Edward leaving Bella because he only endangers her safety, then comes back in the end, Eclipse, where they have a love triangle with a wolf or whatever (what's up with werewolves and vampires wanting to ravage a human?) and then lastly Breaking Dawn where finally, Edward gets to ravage Bella already and they'll have a vamp-human baby, as Sakura had told me. She spends her time reading that trash? What's up with teenage girls today? And hello, Bella and Edward's love is greater than anything? Have you forgotten about us? Yes, and I know you. I know you know about us. "Us" who of course have a deeper and more meaningful love story. Do I need to mention that?

"So, Sasuke-kun, how do you find Twilight?" Sakura asked me, her face looking sickenly like other people's faces. That creepy smile they have after leaving the theater.

"It's crap." I replied, and for a moment I saw Sakura smirk. Then she looked at me. "Sasuke-kun…are you…jealous of Edward?"

Me? Jealous? Of who? "Come again?"

"I said…are you jealous of Edward Cullen?" Sakura asked, her index finger right on her lip, a smirk plastered on her face.

"Why the hell should I be?" I replied back. Freaking hell. Why would I be jealous of that vampire? As I have stated earlier I am a whole lot better than him, and yes, I don't need to say that aloud because I know that in myself. I don't need to prove myself to disloyal and unfaithful bastards and bitches.

"Because…he snatched your place as the number one hottest man alive." Sakura winked at me. "Plus…he is smarter, faster, stronger, kinder, and more loving---- …"

I slammed her, hard, on the wall of the dark alley we were passing by. "Continue it, Sakura."

She smiled. "Edward is faster, smarter, stronger, kinder and more loving, they say. But… I still love you more, Sasuke-kun. And I believe your better. And…our love story is greater than theirs." The bitch grabbed my neck and slammed her lips hard on mine. I smirked. See? I told you, I am better. And our love story is greater. Perhaps you're wondering why I'm letting this bitch kiss me. Oh haven't I mentioned? Yes, this unfaithful, disloyal bitch is my girlfriend of nine months. MINE and not Edward's.

I broke the kiss, much to her dismay. "Sakura…I don't care what you or other fangirls slash fanboys think…All I know is…I am a lot better and I don't care. I can even sell a hundred more Volvos than that freaking geezer Cullen faker can do in a week. WHY? Because I am Uchiha Sasuke and no one is better than me." I smirked and grabbed her wrist as I took her back to the lighted pavement to walk this goddamned bitch home to her apartment and I can go back to my mansion, which is a lot better than that crap-ish greenhouse of the Cullens. Or, maybe do a little something to her to teach her a little lesson or two before I go back to my mansion. I know you know what I mean.

Sakura tightened her hold on my hand. "Sasuke-kun, don't worry, Edward Cullen's reign will only last a month or two and your fans will be back to you again. Besides, I repeat, our love story is a lot, lot better. They both fell in love at first sight, which we both didn't. We went through an unrequited love process when they didn't, Edward's reason for liking Bella in the first place was because of her smell and nothing more, and we've been apart for almost four years and they only got separated for 5 months or 6 months and Bella went into deep depression and found Jacob. There, she fell in love with another man, when I have never even loved any other man than you, you bastard. And, their love story came into bloom in a full 2 or 3 years when ours had took 14 years and endless chasing!!!" She gestured with her hands.

"Why 14?" I asked, my perfect eyebrow arching, wondering why it has been 14 years already.

"Duh. I've been in love with you since I was seven and now that we're twenty-one, we finally got together! It took fourteen years for us to be together! Besides…" She replied.

"Besides?" I asked, urging her to continue.

"Besides, we don't need to use any of the cheesy lines they use on each other to proclaim their undying love for one another. 'You are my life now,' or 'I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore,' are nothing but cheesy lines to get romantics or the loveless or those with unhappy boyfirends swarm over them. But then, with us, we have a puzzle for people to see underneath and we know in ourselves what we truly feel. We act them out, not say them. No PDA, but I don't really need that." Sakura continued, counting through her hands the ways on how we are better.

"Hn. I've told you, I am better. We are better." I smirked at her smiling face before walking her to her door.

"Good night, Sasuke-kun, see you tomorrow. And…" The pinkheaded bitch leaned closer to my ear, "Keep my heart safe, I've left it with you…" Sakura giggled at the cheesy Twilight quote she just recited, right after her damned speech on about how we don't need those lines.

I gritted my teeth. "You really, really are an annoying, little pesky bitch."

"I know. But…I know you love it, Sasuke-kun." She kissed me and was about to go inside her door, but no, I'm going to teach this girl a lesson tonight.

I pushed her inside and slammed the door behind us. "Sakura, you are going to see how much better I am than that geezer and how he is nothing more than an ant to be stepped on by none other than me, Uchiha Sasuke.

After all, I, Uchiha Sasuke, a character in the anime "Naruto," [who is even more popular than Naruto,] is not and never will be your average fictional character.

I WILL LIVE a longer FOREVER. Take that, Edward Cullen. Hn.

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I'm sorry if you were thoroughly offended! But, Edward bashing was already clear from the beginning, right?

I love Edward Cullen and Twilight, this fanfiction was just made so that dear, dear SASUKE-KUN can state his opinion!! XD

So, please HIT THE BUTTON BELOW!!! Thank you!

P.S. For "You effin' Belong With Me" readers, a new chapter is out. New chapter of "PS I Love You Pinky:12 Envelopes & A Tape Recording" will be out NEXT WEEK or ON JULY 18. Either Way. Thank you and please REVIEW!!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!

Sakura::: Me? I was born beautiful. You? You were just born. XP

Love, Katy

HIT THE BUTTON BELOW!