"Rach?" I heard questioned and quickly wiped my tears and turned around to face him. I must have been gone longer than I thought from my friend's weddings.
"I'm fine,"I immediately claimed, not wanting to be accused of trying to make the wedding about me. "I. . ."I trailed off and finally looked up into his concerned, non-judgmental eyes, "What am I doing, Noah?"
He just looked at me blankly, then seemed to have some understanding, "It's okay to miss Finn, and be with Sam, you know. Finn wouldn't blame you for moving on, he wanted you to be happy. He would have. . .Sam's a good guy,"he tried to reassure me.
I wetly laugh as the tears come harder at his words, "Are you sure about that? Sure, that Finn would have been okay with me going after whoever my heart desired, Noah? Are you sure? Because I'm not. Finn loved to be loved, and I don't know a part of me thinks he would want me to just love him forever, you know? Like a living in memorandum for him. And then there's the perverse part of me that wonders what if?" I trailed off so as to not complete my thought.
"Like what if he hadn't died?" Noah asks anyway, seemingly trying to get closer to comfort me, but I scurry off before he can touch me and he hold his hands up in surrender. Then he continues talking, "Like would you guys have had the first glee wedding? Would you have had a glee baby before Mr. Shue? Or would you guys be making it big in New York together? Or. . ."
"No," I can't help but sob as he showed no signs of stopping. "Like. . ." and again I look in his eyes for the strength to continue, then lower my eyes again before speaking, "like would we even still be together if we'd gotten married when we'd planned? Or would both of us cheated on the other by now? Or would I have even left Lima for New York? Or would I already have children that I resented?"
"Rachel. . .that wouldn't have happened. You loved each other," he said without an ounce of conviction.
"Is love enough? Or is it just the crutch we cling to, to try, and escape harsh realities."
"Okay," he said shaking his head, "but now Sam.. ."
"I don't even like Sam," I interrupted, then tried to cover my mouth but it was too late. Now, he did look shocked. " He was just there, at McKinley and convenient." I began figuring he might as well know the truth now that I'd started. "He chased me with the innocence of a puppy and as much devotion, and I just, I wanted to be the one chased. The one adored. The one that didn't have as much riding on the relationship. I wanted to not be wrecked again, by chasing after love."
"Rachel, you have to tell him," Noah said completely serious.
"I know." Then I looked at him once more and decided to chance it, "What about you, Noah? Do you still believe in 'true love'? How are things with Quinn?"
He smiled at me gently, "I still believe."
"And Quinn?"
"Giving Biff a second chance. He might be a politician someday, which I think factored heavily in her decision," he told me without any traces of bitterness or longing.
"I'm so sorry, Noah. . .I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. I guess I was just being selfish again and dragged you into my pity party," I apologized quickly.
"Rachel, I came to find you. And a midget like you couldn't drag me anywhere I didn't want to go. But I mean if you want to drag me to your bedroom for penance I won't complain," he said as he smirked at me devilishly.
I didn't take the bait to lighten the conversation,"I worried about what Burt and Carole would think, me here with Sam. I don't know now, if I was more worried about what they would say seeing me with Sam, or that they would know it wasn't true, or maybe even more so what they would think if I went after what I really wanted". I rambled, and when he just looked at me confused, I tried to explain, "But I. . . Finn would have. . . I know Finn would have never forgiven me in life if I chose who I want. I guess I worry Burt and Carole won't either and you know how I've always wanted a mother."
"Rachel, what are you trying to say here?"he asked still confused. "Finn would be happy if you were happy, and you know what, if he wasn't? Who cares, he died. So he doesn't get to dictate your life anymore. You can do whatever you want. And I've known Carole my whole life, she would never begrudge you for living. I think. . .after Broadway and Hollywood, you're just scared and using them as excuses." he said gesturing inside the barn as he said them.
I laughed darkly, "You think I'm scared?" I challenged him.
"Yeah," he grumbled looking at me appraisingly as I stalked closer. Then I was kissing him, and he kissed back for a few minutes before setting me away from him and staring at me with wide eyes.
"Still think I'm just scared and they'd all be okay if I actually went after who I want?" I asked him. When he didn't respond within five minutes, I gave him a sad smile and turned to go back in.
"Who cares if they mind," he growled just before he grabbed me and kissed me again. We kissed for...awhile, I don't know exactly how long as I was lost in his lips and touch.
Then we were rudely interrupted with, "Puckleberry! See Santana, I told you we could use that extra wedding dress and tuxedo for them a 'Brittana' wedding is magic!" as exclaimed by Brittany.
"Ma's not here, and we'd need a rabbi," Noah responded immediately.
"Nor are my dads here, and we'd need a license, wait you'd be willing to marry me already?" I couldn't help but interject.
Noah grinned in response, "Only if you would say yes, or I guess 'I do'; but for real Ma and your Dads would murder me before I even get to enjoy the goods if they weren't here".
"I can get my Dad to go get them," Brittany offered.
"But you don't actually have a dress, right?" I somehow had to confirm first.
"No, Santana wouldn't let me buy it. She was afraid something rash would happen like Chang-squared, or Artina. Even more frightened that somehow Quick or Samchel would get past us accidentally."
"I think that's probably for the best, Brittany," I said while smiling at Noah. "We should probably date first, then someday he can propose."
"Okay, but we're invited to the wedding right?"
"Of course, Brittany."
She smiled and grabbed my arm to pull me back into the barn and onto the dance floor, while Santana brought Noah is speaking quietly as they went.
"Oh and Rachel, I highly suggest Artie as your wedding planner", Brittany told me as Artie groaned behind her.
"I ain't planning the Samchel wedding,"he exclaimed. "Haven't we talked this, Brit?"
"Oh, of course not. Puckleberry's. They've finally caught up with our superior intelligence."