Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 18
"The Valentine's Dance"
Airdate: February 12, 2017
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH518
COLD OPEN
FEBRUARY 6, 2017
The scene starts at the Jennings house. RK opens his closet and takes out several Atlanta Falcons jerseys and caps. He then proceeds to rip up the jerseys and cut the caps into pieces. He takes all the ripped up jerseys and caps and puts them in a box which he tapes up. RK then puts the box in his car, drives to the post office, and leaves the box by the entrance. He takes out a sticker that reads "Matt Ryan's House" and slaps it on the box, then takes out a book of matches. He strikes a match and places it on the box. Within seconds, the box is in flames and RK drives away with a blank expression. A postal worker then comes out of the office.
POSTAL WORKER: Ugh, not another one.
Fade to black.
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Fade in. A shot of the school is shown early in the morning.
Cut to Buster and RK talking near Jaylynn's locker while she sets down her bag to sort out her things.
BUSTER: So, to put it short, that's the story of my first real rash.
RK: Didn't I tell you during the car ride not to tell me the rest?
BUSTER: No. You were just dicking around on your phone saying "uh huh."
RK: Oh. Well, I was implying it. You have to pay attention to my subtle movements, Buster.
At that point, Sparky runs up to the guys with a flier in hand.
SPARKY: Guys, guys! I have big news!
JAYLYNN: It's pizza day in the cafeteria?
SPARKY: Pizza day is on Friday.
JAYLYNN: Why can't I just imagine that it is and be done with it?
RK: What's the big news?
Sparky shows off the flier.
SPARKY: A sweetheart's dance! Our school's going to have a dance next week to celebrate Valentine's Day!
BUSTER: A dance? What's a dance?
SPARKY: You know, a school dance. Where you come to school...and you dance?
RK: Boy, Sparky, a school dance sounds super nifty. Maybe later, we can eat mayonnaise sandwiches and trade baseball cards!
SPARKY: Do you really have to be sarcastic?
RK: Yes, I have to. School dances are so cliche. The girl's always worried about her hair, the boy she likes gets taken, her parents might embarrass her, the awkward slow dance. It's all in the book.
JAYLYNN: You know, just because you watch a bunch of sitcoms, doesn't mean school dances are like that.
BUSTER: They kinda are. It's why us manly men have sworn off school dances since the beginning of time.
SPARKY: You didn't even know what I was talking about less than a minute ago!
BUSTER: I'm not sarcastic like RK, you can't really see it.
SPARKY: Guys, it's a school dance. Which means hot dates. You picking up what I'm putting down?
RK: Yes. School dances means hot sex! Sparky, you genius, you've done it again.
SPARKY: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX!
RK: Well, draw a diagram, just tell me what you want.
SPARKY: You can ask Anna to the dance and I can ask Halley.
BUSTER: And what about me? Is there a special section where lonely single guys go?
JAYLYNN: And girls who like other girls?
SPARKY: Oh yeah. You know, Buster, you could always just ask somebody as a friend.
BUSTER: Oh yeah, that will make me feel great. Bunch of awkward small talk that doesn't go anywhere, a kiss on the hand, and maybe two dances tops? I'll just stay home.
SPARKY: Oh no, you don't, Buster. The two of us are going to that dance and we're going to have a great time, or my name isn't Sparky MacDougal.
BUSTER: Wait, so, if we don't have a great time, what's your new name going to be?
Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn groan.
SCENE 2
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade sets down a mysterious blue chemical on the table when RK walks downstairs.
RK: Hey Wade, I have your homework.
WADE: Thanks, man. I hate missing a day of formal education, but right now, I'm in the middle of a scientific breakthrough.
RK: What about?
WADE: If everything goes according to plan, I will have successfully created my first ever teleportation device. In a few weeks, I can transport to school without having to walk or drive.
RK: You spent the whole day doing that?
WADE: No. I also buffed up the time machine and made cheese toast. Nothing like nutrition and buffing up your machinery, eh?
Wade chuckles while RK stands there with a blank look on his face.
RK: When was the last time Adriana touched you?
WADE: RK, I'm very proud of what I was able to get done today and all you can think about is my love life. You're like one of those tabloid magazines except you're not as...no, forget it, it's the same thing.
RK: Sorry, Einstein. I was just curious because there's this corny school dance next week for geeks and Sparky wants both of us to go to this crappy event just so we can talk about anime and drink diluted punch for three hours.
WADE: A dance? For what?
RK: Valentine's Day is around the corner and the school wants us to celebrate it with this nerd festival. Do you know how long three hours is? I would rather sit through Monday Night RAW than go to that dance.
WADE: I could always just invite Adriana to that dance. Are we allowed to bring guests?
RK: I don't know, but can we talk about how Sparky just forced this upon us? I mean, shit, dude, I have things to do that night.
WADE: Like what?
RK: I don't have the answer to that, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, the point is I don't want to go to that fugazi convention next week.
WADE: Well, you might as well just invite Anna. I think it would mean a lot to her with Valentine's Day coming up.
RK: Don't worry, I have a plan for Valentine's Day.
WADE: I wasn't worrying. But you know what, let's make a deal. If you ask Anna to the dance, I'll ask Adriana and postpone my teleporter project.
RK: Sounds like a plan. But just so you know, I'm going to be shitting on this dork dance from now until my throat goes sore from all the shitting. God, I love shitting on crap.
WADE: I worry about you every single day.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Halley are having lunch together while Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are at the TSE table.
BUSTER: So Jaylynn, have you found a date for the dance yet?
JAYLYNN: Oh, you didn't know? I'm not going.
BUSTER: What? You have to, that was the agreement!
JAYLYNN: I never signed a contract to that shit. I have a bunch of Jaylynn stuff to do that night.
BUSTER: Like what?
JAYLYNN: Like wondering exactly why I would lower myself to that egotistical, conformist nonsense when I don't dance and I don't even like guys.
BUSTER: Well, that sounds valid to me.
RK: Jaylynn, I would just like to say that you're really milking the single life for all its goodness. I wish I was you sometimes.
JAYLYNN: Really? I wish I was you, with a hot girlfriend and weekend plans whenever you want them. But no, Anja didn't work out.
WADE: You could always ask Anja to hang out on the night of the dance so you can still have fun.
JAYLYNN: Wade, have I ever told you that you're a genius?
WADE: Once or twice.
JAYLYNN: Well, expect to hear that more often. Yes, I have potential plans!
RK: So, champ, who are you taking to the sock hop?
BUSTER: I don't know yet. I might go there by myself.
RK: That's like going to a party by yourself. Sure, people feel sorry for you, but they're just wondering why your cheap ass couldn't even bring chips.
BUSTER: Hey, I'm way too much fun on my own. I'm a one man show. I can dance by myself, talk to myself, kiss myself.
RK: Kiss yourself?
BUSTER: Yeah, it's actually very uncomfortable and stupid. But let's face it. Girls aren't really lining up to ask out a Buster.
RK: Hey, don't talk like that. You just need confidence. Come to my house after school, I'm going to give you some pointers on picking up chicks. By the time I'm done, your comeback to the dating scene will be like when Jay-Z came back: He thought he could do it, and then eventually, he got it right.
JAYLYNN: Hmm. I wonder what Eli and Clare are talking about over there.
WADE: You call them Eli and Clare?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, sometimes. It's a cute pet name.
WADE: It's not very apt.
JAYLYNN: Hey, I'll take away those genius points quick fast.
Meanwhile, at Sparky and Halley's table...
HALLEY: A pink tie? I don't know, Sparky, would that really work?
SPARKY: Of course it would. If we want to win Sweetheart King and Queen, we have to set an example.
HALLEY: Okay. Well, are you going to rent a limo?
SPARKY: Um...no.
HALLEY: Well, Sparky, this is a big event, we should ride there in style.
SPARKY: Eh, you make a good point. But a limousine might be overdoing it. Tell ya what, if you put up your half of the money for the limo, I'll rent it.
HALLEY: Okay, cool. I don't have a problem with that.
SPARKY: Good, because the economy's still not where it needs to be. You know who really got shafted in the economy? Grandpappy MacDougal. He was around during the Depression era, and his parents couldn't even get him that bike he wanted. All fast and cherry-like in color. I swear, bikes were a lot nicer in those days but lately, it just seems like...
HALLEY: No, we are not about to do this again.
SPARKY: Hey, I'm just saying, times are tough.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK stands in front of the TV with a blank whiteboard while Buster sits on the couch.
BUSTER: RK, is there a reason why you have a whiteboard for this?
RK: Oh, no reason, I just want to feel more like a teacher. Okay, Buster, the fact of the matter is, you have what it takes to ask out a nice girl to the sweetheart's dance. But you need confidence. You need style, flash, panache, swag.
BUSTER: Panache? Isn't that the chocolate sauce you put on pastries?
RK: No, that's ganache. I mean you have to have your floss game on point. You can't just approach a girl like some suspender wearing, pencil pushing geek and say, "Ma'am, would you do me the honor of escorting me to this social function?" You have to make sure the girl is at your feet kissing the ground you walk on.
BUSTER: Well, I can't just ask anyone. I have to like them.
RK: Yeah, of course. In that case, why don't you write down the names of three girls you want to ask to the dance? Meanwhile, I'm going to ask out Anna so Wade can ask out Adriana so we can all go to this geek parade together.
RK takes out his phone while Buster looks for a paper in the background. He frantically looks for one in his pocket and then runs around looking for a paper. RK, oblivious to what Buster is doing, waits for Anna to pick up.
ANNA: Hello?
RK: RKJ here, what it do?
ANNA: RK, I told you to stop saying that when you're not the one picking up.
RK: Stop forcing me to be someone I'm not. So anyway, Anna, listen. My school's having this square-ass sweetheart's dance to celebrate Valentine's Day. So I was just wondering if you wanted to be my date for it.
ANNA: A school dance? That sounds kinda lame.
RK: I said the same thing, but Sparky insisted on it. There's an agenda going on, but I don't have time to figure it out. So do you wanna go?
ANNA: I don't have to dance, do I?
RK: Anna, that's the whole point of a school dance. What the hell did you think you were gonna do all night, eat overcooked macaroni salad and talk about what you did in class the other day?
ANNA: Kinda. But yeah, I'll go. I don't want you to be lonely. At least if you're gonna complain about something, I'll back you up.
RK: Aw, you're the best. Thanks and we can iron out the details later.
ANNA: Alright, talk to you later.
RK hangs up and sees that Buster is gone.
RK: Did that little blonde haired punk leave me high and dry?
Buster comes from upstairs with a pen and paper.
BUSTER: It took me almost three minutes to realize I didn't have any paper on me. By the way, you really need to start taking care of Mrs. Tuxedo Pants. She looks hungry.
RK: I'm considering putting her up for adoption. But anyway, did you write down your girls?
BUSTER: Right here. From really cute to kinda cute. I don't see ugliness with these girls.
Buster hands RK the paper.
RK: Let's see here. "Trina, Sanna, Ashley." Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all. Wait, you still have the hots for Trina?
BUSTER: Well, we're trying to be friends, but yeah, I guess I still like her. I just wanted to see if she would take me as a friend. It's not like anything's gonna happen.
RK: Well, take your shot, I guess. But I don't want her hurting you again. Because if she does, she's going to have to deal with the White Mamba, and she don't want none of the White Mamba.
BUSTER: Don't worry, I'm going to do everything the smart way. Trina won't even think it's a date.
RK: I hope it works out, man. By the way, there's a ten dollar advice fee.
BUSTER: You never told me about an advice fee.
RK: Because if I did, you wouldn't pay it. Now that I helped you, you're going to feel obligated to return the favor. The more you know.
Cue freeze frame of RK and Buster.
VOICEOVER: Funding for this message is provided by the Arthur Vining Davis Foundation, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by contributions to Thank You, Heavenly episodes from American idiots like you. Thank you!
SCENE 5
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn walks in while Anja is doing homework that same day.
JAYLYNN: Are you doing anything for Valentine's Day?
ANJA: Other than staying here and wondering how much air a human being can breathe in at once, no.
JAYLYNN: Great. We can hang out that day!
ANJA: Is that seriously what you think of me? That I'm just your backup plan whenever you need something to do? You know what, Jaylynn? I'm getting sick and tired of this. Every week, you have to lean on me and force me to be your wingman for whatever you want to do. Well, this time, we're doing things my way.
JAYLYNN: Anja, I had no idea you felt this way.
ANJA: Oh, I'm just playing around, I don't really care if I'm your wingman. Of course we can hang out on Valentine's Day.
JAYLYNN: Are you sure? Because, child, if you're gonna react like that...
ANJA: It's fine, Jaylynn. I mean, without you, who else would I spend my time with?
Lynne walks in at that point, sees Jaylynn and Anja, and sighs while holding her nose and closing her eyes.
LYNNE: You two seriously need to get married and end this already.
JAYLYNN: Anj, I kinda understand why you like to be alone so much.
LYNNE: What's going on now? You're making plans with my sister again, aren't you?
JAYLYNN: Obvious answer to stupid question is obvious. What's next, you're going to ask me if Eminem peaked fifteen years ago?
ANJA: Jaylynn and I are hanging out on Valentine's Day.
LYNNE: Aw, that's sweet. I want in.
JAYLYNN: What do you mean, you want in?
LYNNE: You're not deaf, you heard what I said.
JAYLYNN: Well, honestly, I don't want you anywhere around me so that's not happening.
LYNNE: Oh, so just because she's your best friend, you need to have her all to yourself? I'm still her sister.
ANJA: She has a point, you know.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you two are family. You had to learn to get along with her.
ANJA: Still, it's not like I hang out with her much anyways.
JAYLYNN: She has an apartment. You're telling me none of her friends are impressed by that and always up in there eating her food?
LYNNE: Only on Saturdays. So am I included or what?
JAYLYNN: Like hell you are.
ANJA: Jaylynn...
JAYLYNN: Alright, fine, you can hang with us. But I'm gonna lay down some ground rules for this: Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't think about me. Don't even acknowledge the fact that I exist, and I'll do the same for you.
LYNNE: See, if you were more like this from the beginning, we wouldn't have any problems.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Buster and Wade walk into school together.
BUSTER: So today, I'm gonna ask out Trina to the sweetheart's dance.
WADE: Trina? But I thought you two were just friends.
BUSTER: We are. But she's my first choice, and I get to show her how much I've changed since the second grade.
WADE: That's very mature of you, Buster, but you don't need to base your self-worth on the opinions of someone else.
BUSTER: I'm not, but it doesn't hurt to show people who you really are sometimes.
WADE: You have a point.
RK walks up to Buster and Wade.
RK: Hey guys. Oh, Buster, since we have similar tastes, I'm just going to ask you not to wear the same thing as me to the dance next week. Because if you do, I'll kill you.
BUSTER: But how am I going to know what you're wearing before the dance?
RK: I'll send you a slideshow of outfits I might wear.
WADE: You're seriously worrying about someone else wearing the same thing as you? Don't girls oftentimes do that?
RK: It's a freaking school dance. It's what you do, Wade. By the way, did you ask Adriana yet?
WADE: No, I forgot. But she's coming over to study tonight so I'll ask her then.
RK: Wade, the clock's ticking. The only reason I'm going to this prissy festival is to hang out with my friends.
BUSTER: You're not going to get tired of hating on this dance?
RK: No, this is way too much fun.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That day, Sparky is watching TV with Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, what are we even watching right now?
SPARKY: I have no idea. I can't even figure out the story here. I mean, is this guy stressed out or on pills or what? I don't get it.
Halley walks in at that point.
SPARKY: Oh, what's up, Halley?
HALLEY: What's up? Could we talk about the dance?
SPARKY: Yeah, sure. Wait, just a minute.
Sparky and Bitch Clock become disgusted.
BITCH CLOCK: Why did he eat that?
SPARKY: I have no idea. Well, let me talk to the girlfriend.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright. I'm gonna get a vodka, you want one?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I'm ten.
BITCH CLOCK: So, a cognac?
Sparky raises his eyebrow at Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Humor. Humor is a thing we don't have in this house.
Bitch Clock throws up his hands and goes upstairs.
SPARKY: What did you want to talk about?
HALLEY: Well, I was thinking about the pink. I don't want to wear it.
SPARKY: You don't?
HALLEY: No. I realized yesterday how much I hate pink. I was watching SpongeBob and that son of a bitch Patrick pissed me off so much. Why is he so stupid?
SPARKY: Because his mom drank a lot of Jack Daniels when she was pregnant with him. But you don't want to wear pink because of a cartoon character?
HALLEY: It's a weird reason, but it's my reason. Maybe we can wear red.
SPARKY: Red? Halley, that shit is so basic. Listen, I can wear pink and you can wear red.
HALLEY: But I thought we were supposed to match.
SPARKY: Well, I'm not switching. Besides, once the kids see us in that limo, we can be butt naked for all they care.
HALLEY: If we can afford the limo.
SPARKY: Why would we not? We're both paying half and it's not like either of us are strapped for cash.
HALLEY: You would think that, except...
SPARKY: You don't want to pay for the limo, do you?
HALLEY: Nah, not really. Besides, you're better with money than I am.
SPARKY: Pfft, you don't have to patronize me. But yeah, I guess I'll pay for that too. Anything else?
HALLEY: Yeah. I think you should get a haircut.
SPARKY: A haircut? Are you on bath salts, Halley?
HALLEY: It's a dance. I think changing things up will send the right message.
*under his breath* SPARKY: Wearing pink and paying for your half of the frigging limo will send a message alright.
HALLEY: What did you say?
SPARKY: I mean, uh, put the lime in the coconut.
SCENE 8
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade watches Buster pace around the living room that same day.
BUSTER: Wade, this doesn't make any sense. I emailed Trina about the dance two hours ago. Why hasn't she responded yet?
WADE: Well, Buster, believe it or not, most people don't constantly check their emails these days. Why don't you just ask her on Facebook?
BUSTER: I can't do that. Emailing Trina is like a symbol. Two years ago in the summertime, she sent me this nasty email about how I was awkward and I should get over her. Now I'm getting my vindication. It's like going back to the scene of a mass murder after one year.
WADE: I wouldn't compare those two if I were you, just saying.
Buster's phone vibrates. He checks it.
BUSTER: It's a Gmail notification...from Trina!
Buster gets excited and checks the notification.
BUSTER: "Buster, thanks a lot for the invitation. And you know what? I would love to go to the dance with you. It will be a great place for us to hang out." Yes! I have a date!
WADE: Did she really say all that?
BUSTER: Actually, she said, "Sure, why not" but it sounds close. I guess that just leaves you, Wade.
WADE: Well, it's not going to be hard. Adriana never turns me down.
Cut to Wade and Adriana at Adriana's house.
ADRIANA: I don't know, Wade, do we have to? I mean, I'm not really a dance person.
WADE: I know a place that makes chocolate roses. If you go, I can get you the best one.
ADRIANA: Why didn't you say something sooner? Hell yeah, I'll go!
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
VALENTINE'S DAY
Buster and RK are shown adjusting themselves in the mirror. Both of them are in business attire.
RK: Seriously, what kind of idiot thought about putting a school dance on a Tuesday? I swear, I'm going to get them when I see 'em. All covert and shit.
BUSTER: RK, you've been at this all week. Are you 100% sure you're not tired of it?
RK: Buster, let me be honest about something. It doesn't take much to piss me off. At all. I can write a college-level essay about why it should be sunny out during a rainy day.
Sparky walks down the steps adjusting his tie and grumbling to himself.
RK: You know, man, there's such a thing known as the English language.
SPARKY: It's just that, I'm the one putting in all the effort, you know? I mean, Halley doesn't wanna wear pink. She doesn't want to pay for the limo. She wants me to get a haircut. She wants me to get her a corsage. It's a school dance, not prom night!
BUSTER: No one is gonna treat my best bud like that. You want me to give Halley the business?
SPARKY: No, it's fine. But it's funny, you know. Halley and I started going out around Valentine's Day. This should be our day to just have fun. But all I can think about is the night being over, so I don't have to deal with this crap anymore.
RK: You're becoming more like me every day. I like it.
SPARKY: That scares me to death.
Wade walks in by himself.
WADE: So we're gonna go around, pick up our dates or what?
BUSTER: That's the plan. I can't wait to see what Trina looks like.
SPARKY: Buster, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, this always seems to end badly for you.
BUSTER: I thought you were the one who wanted me to talk to Trina in the first place. Now thanks to you, I get a second chance.
SPARKY: Dude, Trina waltzes in here after fourteen years...
BUSTER: Two years.
SPARKY: Oh, sorry, two years...and acts like nothing has happened. Wake up, Buster. This is the same girl who didn't think enough of you...TO PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE!
Beat.
BUSTER: Sparky, what are you talking about?
SPARKY: I'm sorry, I stayed up watching Fresh Prince last night. But I don't know, man. I don't want you to start putting more effort into this than her. Then she's going to wonder what the hell you're doing, and pretty soon, you're going to be alone in a stupid pink tie scared and confused, thinking about what life would be like if you were never born. You think about never being born? It's real scary. But I don't know. Never being born just seems easier.
RK: I thought about what would happen if I was never born. I don't think a lot of people would care.
SPARKY: Okay, let me call the limo guy.
Sparky starts dialing the numbers on his phone. Cut to RK and Wade.
RK: Hey Wade, smell me.
WADE: Dude, the last time I smelled you, I had to be resuscitated.
RK: It was 90 degrees that day. You can't hold that against me. Come on, take a whiff.
Wade smells RK's underarm.
WADE: Mmmm, that's sweet. What are you using?
RK: Old Spice. This is a new flavor that makes you smell like cinnamon sticks.
WADE: With or without icing?
RK: With.
WADE: That's diabolical.
RK: I know, right?
SPARKY: Well, ain't this about a...
BUSTER: What happened?
SPARKY: The driver for our limo is caught in traffic so he said he's going to be late. But I don't have that kind of time. It's called being fashionably late, not ridiculously late.
RK: It's true. Sure does beat being on time like a bunch of squares.
SPARKY: I guess I have no choice.
BUSTER: No, Sparky, you can't. There's always another way.
WADE: Yeah, think about what you're doing here.
SPARKY: Guys, I'm out of options. I have to call Uber.
Buster, RK, and Wade groan in disappointment.
SPARKY: Look, I don't like it any more than you do, but some things just have to be done. By the way, if the driver has Marlboro on his breath, look the other way and don't let him touch you.
SCENE 10
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja and Lynne sit around waiting for Jaylynn.
LYNNE: Can't we at least turn on the TV?
ANJA: No, I don't want to do anything fun until Jaylynn gets here.
LYNNE: Why does it always have to be about her? I mean, sis, let's think about it. Other than save me from drowning, and give you a best friend, what has Jaylynn really ever done for either of us?
Jaylynn walks in with a box of cupcakes.
JAYLYNN: Happy Valentine's Day courtesy of Entenmann's.
LYNNE: Entenmann's? The GOAT dessert makers?
JAYLYNN: Hell yeah, talking air. I picked up these pink cupcakes at Walgreens. I mean, it's Entenmann's so you know it's going to be delicious.
ANJA: How many are in there?
JAYLYNN: Five for each. Just make sure you save some for later.
The girls eat a cupcake each and get big smiles on their face.
ANJA: Jaylynn, this cupcake is something strong. What's in it?
JAYLYNN: Sugar, batter. It's a cupcake, it's not like they're putting drugs in it.
LYNNE: Wow, this...this cupcake is going to kill me. I need to relax a bit.
JAYLYNN: Kill you? Well, in that case, have another one.
ANJA: Jaylynn...
LYNNE: I'm, um...wow, my fingers are freaking wow.
ANJA: Whoa, your fingers are wow. Jaylynn, check it out.
JAYLYNN: Oh my God, YOUR FINGERS ARE GONNA DIE!
LYNNE: Noooooooo!
ANJA: Guys, shut upppppppppppp. This room is starting to be spinnnnnnnninggggggah!
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
The Uber pulls up near the school. The boys get out of the car with pissed expressions.
RK: I didn't trust that driver. I don't know why he kept asking about our thoughts on bestiality.
WADE: You didn't have to say anything to him.
RK: When an adult asks you a question, you answer it. That's the first thing they teach you in preschool.
BUSTER: It kinda sucks how the girls couldn't come with us.
SPARKY: Well, they took an Uber too. It's not like they bothered to come with us.
WADE: Here it comes now.
The second Uber pulls up to the school. The girls come out with similar pissed expressions.
HALLEY: Sparky...why didn't we take the limo?
SPARKY: Because Halley, my sweet girlfriend, the limousine driver said he would be late and caught in a traffic jam. I lost a whole lot of money for something you didn't even want to take part in, and I was forced to spend a fifteen-minute car ride with an old, cigarette-chewing Uber driver who is way too intimate with his flightless birds and kept promoting his side job taking pictures of grilled mayonnaise sandwiches and posting them on Instagram. And do you wanna know the sick, sick part of that side job, Halley?
Beat.
HALLEY: What?
SPARKY: HE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE THE DAMN SANDWICHES HIMSELF! So for the next two hours, I don't wanna hear anything about how crappy this night has been, because there's a whole lot of time for it to get...much...worse.
Sparky sighs and walks into the school.
BUSTER: Halley, I think you broke him.
HALLEY: If he didn't want to pay for the limo, he could have just told me.
TRINA: Are you guys fighting or what?
HALLEY: We're not fighting, exactly. It's more like a civil disagreement. But we'll get past it.
TRINA: Dude, that's a fight the way I see it.
HALLEY: Thank you Trina.
SCENE 12
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne are on the couch with red eyes and confused expressions.
JAYLYNN: Hey guys?
Beat.
ANJA: Yeah?
JAYLYNN: Do you think existence is pointless?
LYNNE: How do you mean, honey?
JAYLYNN: Like, we're all just rabbits, right? So when we turned to humans, the subterranean intellect of the spasmodic integers were part of the other centric fusions of electric creativity.
ANJA: OW, MY HEAD! BIG WORD GIRL!
LYNNE: Yo, Jaylynn, that's some real spit, man. That's why we need to let the kids know there's another way. Just...just like, we sit 'em down in a cornfield or some shit and, and then we tell 'em like...like this, "Check it out, kids, check it out, right? That ain't the way, homie. There's another way."
Anja starts cackling.
JAYLYNN: Anja, don't sit there and laugh at your sister. She was just talking about the struggle, man!
ANJA: Oh my God. I just thought of something.
LYNNE: What?
ANJA: Let's go buy cookies. LET'S GO BUY LOTS OF COOKIES!
JAYLYNN: Apple pie?
LYNNE: Let's buy that...too.
JAYLYNN: YES, LET'S BUY THAT TOO!
The girls all fall on the floor, then run out of the house in a frenzy.
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Freddie Benson Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
("24k Magic" by Bruno Mars plays over the loudspeakers)
The kids are shown dancing around the gym. Meanwhile, RK and Wade are drinking at the punch table.
RK: It's too bad we're not high school kids. KG told me this story once about a high school party he went to. Apparently, some guy spiked the punch bowl, got everybody messed up.
WADE: Spike the punch bowl? What's that mean?
RK: Come on, man, be hip. It means to put alcohol or drugs or special pills in the punch to get the party started.
WADE: That sounds awful. Why would someone tamper with a communal drink like that?
RK: Hey, it's just an older kids thing. I'm gonna have to remember that in six years.
Adriana and Anna walk over to the guys.
ANNA: Hey, if we're going to be lame, RK, we're going to be lame together.
RK: No way, Jose. I've lost a lot of cool points by lowering myself to show up here. I have to start saving face.
WADE: By doing what? Drinking diluted punch and talking about anime for three hours?
The camera does a closeup of RK's face.
RK: Oh no! I've become what I can't stand! You know what, Anna, you're right. Let's dweeb it up!
RK joins Anna. Wade shrugs and joins Adriana on the dancefloor as well. Cut to Buster and Trina on the dancefloor.
BUSTER: So I don't know if I saw the cat coming or not, but I just started stomping on it. Not my proudest moment, but what are you gonna do?
TRINA: I know what you mean.
BUSTER: You do?
TRINA: Well, I once killed a spider on the wall, does that count?
Trina gets a phone call at that point.
TRINA: Hold up, man, let me take this.
BUSTER: Sure.
Trina leaves the gym and answers her phone.
TRINA: What's up, D?
DANA: Don't you ever in your life leave the phone ringing for that long.
TRINA: Oh, quit your whining.
DANA: I just wanted to know if you told Buster this isn't a date.
TRINA: I don't have to. He already knows.
DANA: Trina, you're gonna get yourself in trouble here. You know Buster's slow. One time, he thought that there were 26 presidents.
TRINA: So? Lots of people get that wrong.
DANA: That was after he called Obama the 44th president! Look, if you don't make sure Buster knows the deal, he'll probably think you two are dating. I know he still has a big fat crush on you.
TRINA: That was in the past. I've talked to him a lot lately and he doesn't even mention it. Look, I'm gonna give Buster some credit here. Unlike some haters I know.
DANA: Are you accusing me of being a hater?
TRINA: Does Ariana Grande look like a Barbie doll? You know the answer, man. I'll talk to you later.
Trina hangs up and is approached by Halley as she starts going back to the gym.
HALLEY: Hey Trina, do you know where Sparky is? I need to talk to him.
TRINA: Last time I saw him, he was on the bleachers. He wasn't looking alright but I didn't wanna bother him.
HALLEY: Great. He's probably doesn't even want to see me right now. I have to do something.
TRINA: Wait, Halley?
HALLEY: Yeah?
TRINA: Don't break up over this. Whatever this is about, just try and work it out.
HALLEY: Thanks Trina.
TRINA: Sure.
SCENE 14
Jaylynn is driving on the highway with Anja as the passenger and Lynne in the backseat.
LYNNE: Dude, dudes, do you see this right now? Look at all those stars. Isn't there, like, this thing where there are billions of stars we can't see?
JAYLYNN: Wait, there are? No freaking way, I can't even, like, register that. Anja, give me a cupcake.
ANJA: Why, honey?
JAYLYNN: Because I want to have the power to make this car fly and dance among the stars like Lynne said.
LYNNE: You're such a meanie! I never said that! I was...I was talking about the show.
JAYLYNN: What show?
LYNNE: The show, man! The show was talking about stars and shit, I don't know.
ANJA: Jaylynn, d-d-d-do you...
JAYLYNN: Have it?!
LYNNE: GUTS!
Jaylynn and Lynne snicker and high five each other.
ANJA: Do you think that, maybe, and I'm not trying to be rude, do you think that those cupcake guys put something in the cupcakes?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, man. They put something in it, sis. They put loooove in these cupcakes. That's why we're so happy, man. It's Valentine's Day, Anj, get with the program. Watch the program, sis. Watch it!
LYNNE: Yeah, dude, watch it then rock it in your pocket!
ANJA: I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I never should have given you backshots, I'm just a bad person.
JAYLYNN: Wait, wait, sweetie...you meant back talk, right?
ANJA: Yeah, isn't that what I was saying?
JAYLYNN: No, you said backshots.
Beat.
ANJA: What the freak is a backshot?!
The girls all start laughing while Jaylynn starts inexplicably honking her horn.
DRIVER: Hey you, shut up!
JAYLYNN: Hey you...GET A CAR!
The girls continue laughing while Jaylynn continues the horn honking.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Freddie Benson Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
("Caribbean Queen (No More Love on the Run)" by Billy Ocean plays over the loudspeakers)
RK: Man, they really ran out of song choices.
ANNA: I know. When was this made, like, 1963?
RK: Or when people thought Elvis was too offensive.
RK and Anna start laughing when Wade walks up to them.
WADE: According to Shazam, this is a Billy Ocean song. It came out in 1984.
Beat.
RK: Well, that ruined it for me.
Cut to Buster and Trina.
TRINA: Hey Buster, could I ask you something?
BUSTER: If it's about all the pigs in a blanket I took from the snack table, I don't wanna hear it.
TRINA: Well then. But no, it's about you and me. Do you like me?
BUSTER: Of course I like you.
TRINA: You do?
BUSTER: Yeah. Why would I invite you to the dance if I didn't like you?
TRINA: Oh God. Look, Buster, things can't be like the second grade. I mean, I really want us to be friends but if you still have a crush on me, I don't know how that's gonna work out.
BUSTER: Wait, what? You thought I liked you in that way?
TRINA: Yeah.
BUSTER: No. I just meant us being friends. You know, buddies.
TRINA: Buddies? Yeah, that's good. Buddies are good. I have lots of buddies, boy, let me tell ya. I even had a buddy with a dog named Buddy. He passed on though. His heart was old.
BUSTER: Trina, you're rambling.
TRINA: I knew I shouldn't have started talking to Sparky on Facebook. But yeah, that's actually a load off my mind.
BUSTER: Look, Trina, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel anything anymore. But the past is the past, and if I can't have you in my life as a girlfriend, then I'm just fine with having you as a friend.
TRINA: That's pretty decent, Buster. And I'm glad I came here. I guess I had to know if we were straight.
BUSTER: We sure are. Besides, I'm sure you have a boyfriend or something.
TRINA: Well, there is this one guy I'm into. His name is Jack.
Beat.
BUSTER: Is he prettier than me?
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Halley walks out of the school and sees a boy on the steps. She sighs.
HALLEY: Sparky, I've been looking all over school for you. We have to talk.
There is a silence as the kid doesn't talk.
HALLEY: Okay, I see you don't want to, so I'll start. Look, Sparky, I'm sorry for dumping all the limo money on you, changing the color of my outfit, telling you to get a haircut. I mean, I just wish you had told me I was bothering you because all I ever want to do is look out for you and make sure you're happy. When you really think about it, why are we making such a big deal anyway? It's a f***ing elementary school dance, we should just be out here having fun. But now, look at us. All I'm saying is, I was kinda being a jerk and I don't want us to break up over something so small because I love you, man.
At that point, the boy turns back.
BOY: Girl, what are you talking about?
HALLEY: Aah! You're not Sparky.
BOY: And you're not Emilia Clarke, but you don't see me complaining.
HALLEY: If you weren't Sparky, why the hell didn't you say anything?
BOY: I'm gonna be honest, I'm a big attention whore. I even get excited when people say my name.
HALLEY: What's your name?
BOY: Kevin.
HALLEY: Okay, Kevin, please get away from me before I break your hand.
Kevin shrugs and walks towards the door. At that point, Sparky opens it.
SPARKY: Halley, we need to talk.
KEVIN: Are you Sparky?
SPARKY: Yeah, who wants to know?
KEVIN: I do. Your girlfriend's a weird chick. Keep her in check, man. Jeez.
Kevin shakes his head and walks into the school.
SPARKY: Um, what was that about?
HALLEY: It's not important. I've been trying to find you all night.
SPARKY: I was hiding. I didn't want to scream on anybody so I just walked around the whole school.
HALLEY: Oh. Look, Sparky, I'm sorry for what happened tonight. I shouldn't have just dumped everything on you.
SPARKY: Well, it's not like I made anything easier. All I did was complain about everything. I mean, this was supposed to be our special night.
HALLEY: Our special night? Why?
SPARKY: Remember? We started dating on Valentine's Day. Well, technically speaking, you sent me a letter which I thought was weird at the time, but I still appreciated it anyway.
HALLEY: Ah, good times. Things were so much easier then.
SPARKY: Hey, they still are. Kinda.
HALLEY: Yeah, but it's not as fun as it used to be. We're acting just like those couples on TV we always laugh at.
SPARKY: So what, you want to break up?
HALLEY: What? Are you high?
Cut to a policeman near Jaylynn's car on the highway.
JAYLYNN: Has anyone ever told you that you should be a male model?
COP: License and registration, please.
ANJA: Okay, officer, don't get your nickers in a bunch.
JAYLYNN: Nah, dude, I think he's talking to me.
Jaylynn instead goes inside her pocket and takes out a card.
COP: License and registration, please.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you don't want to see my library card?
LYNNE: What are we talking about?
Cut back to Sparky and Halley.
HALLEY: I don't want to break up. Ever. But we just need to listen to each other when we fight like this. It's not gonna be easy, but who cares? We can do it.
SPARKY: Of course we can. So are we good?
HALLEY: Sure as hell.
Sparky and Halley hug each other.
SPARKY: You know, the dance isn't over yet.
HALLEY: Yeah, we could still go in there. But Sparky?
SPARKY: Yeah?
HALLEY: If you ever make me think something happened to you again, I'll make sure something does happen to you.
Beat.
SPARKY: What?
SCENE 17
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn, Anja, and Lynne, still under the influence, are watching TV that night.
JAYLYNN: I wonder how we got off tonight.
LYNNE: It was the trees, man.
JAYLYNN: Que?
LYNNE: The banana trees, we jumped off of them and that's why we didn't get arrested.
JAYLYNN: Oh shit, we did! The banana trees! That's why I feel so strong. Anja, why didn't we tape that...you tape that NOW!
ANJA: I'm sorry, I was just doing my thing, man. I was trying to feel the power.
LYNNE: Hey Jaylynn, I don't really...I-I don't really hate you, man. It's just jokes.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you don't?
LYNNE: Nah, see, the truth is...I only treat you like shit because...
ANJA: THE TV!
LYNNE: I don't treat my sis Jaylynn like shit because of television.
ANJA: No, there's some real spit going down on TV, man. Turn it up! TURN IT UP!
JAYLYNN: Stop blowing in my ear like that...you bum.
Jaylynn turns up the volume.
REPORTER: And in national news, Bimbo Bakeries USA has been forced to recall over 4,500 packages from Entenmann's and Sara Lee due to complaints of the packages being laced with illicit drugs including marijuana, cocaine, acid, and PCP.
JAYLYNN: Oh wow. I just hope that didn't happen to us.
LYNNE: Who you tellin'?
JAYLYNN AND LYNNE: Ahhhhhhh...
Jaylynn and Lynne start cackling, but Anja is not amused.
JAYLYNN: Anj, you okay?
Beat.
ANJA: WE'RE FREAKING HIGH?!
Cut to black.
("Can You Stand the Rain" by New Edition plays in the end credits)
©2016/2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS