AN – This is an insane little comedy vignette I originally published on under my Star Wars alias, Jedi Linewalker. It is an episode of the popular HoloNet game show, Family Feud. Please read, review, and let me know what you think!
ANNOUNCER: [upbeat voice, perky] They're the shining stars of the Rebel Alliance, blasters blazing bright and bringing freedom to your corner of the galaxy, let's meet the Rebels…Princess Leia Organa, smart and sassy Senator…Han Solo, wise cracking scoundrel and smuggler, very impressed with himself…Chewbacca, the Rebels' very own walking carpet, and remember, he's not just the president of the Hair Club for Wookiees, he's also a client…and Luke Skywalker, wide eyed, fresh faced farm boy and Jedi wannabe!
They're the epitome of evil and darkness; corrupting everything in their path, let's meet the Imperials! Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of Filth, er, I mean Sith…Darth Vader, ominous, intimidating 6'7" of black and attitude with a Force grip to match…Boba Fett, bounty hunter extraordinaire and closet Riverdancer…Grand Moff Tarkin, cold blooded regional governor with an explosive personality!
Those are our guests today, so let's play…the Family Feud! With your host, Obi-Wan Kenobi!
[loud, boisterous applause]
OBI-WAN: [shimmers into sight, surrounded in blue sparkling light] Hello, and welcome to our show. Today, we have a dynamite match up between the Rebels, and the Imperials. The Rebels won the toss back stage, so we begin with them. [turning to Han] Pass or play, Han?
[loud sneering and scoffing from the Imperial team]
HAN: [humming and stroking chin] I think we'll play, Obi-Wan
[cheers from the audience, and more jeers from the Imperials]
OBI-WAN: [walks over to the Rebels and shakes Han's hand] Okay, Han, first question…we asked 100 Imperial citizens this question, and the top three answers are on the board. Name something you commonly replace on an older freighter.
HAN: [thinking and stroking chin again] Something you commonly replace on an older freighter…let's see…the sensor dish?
OBI-WAN: Han thinks it's the sensor dish. If sensor dish is the top answer, you get 200 credits, 100 if it's the number two answer, or 50 if it's the number three. Show me "sensor dish!"
[loud buzzing sound, red X in a square showing]
Oh, sorry, Han, sensor dish is not there.
[moving to Leia, and kissing her lightly] Hello, Leia. Name something you commonly replace on an older freighter.
LEIA: [returning the kiss and holding his hand in hers, staring at the board] The Millennium Falcon is always breaking down. The hyperdrive generator? [lots of agreeing cheers]
OBI-WAN: The beautiful lady thinks it's the hyperdrive generator. Survey said?
[loud ding of a bell, and the second slot glows and "hyperdrive generator" comes up]
Very good, Leia. You get 100 credits! [cheers fill the air, and he steps to Chewie]
Hello, Chewbacca. Name something you commonly replace on an old, broken down freighter.
CHEWIE: [scratches head] Rrrrrraaaaawwwwrrrrrrrr WWWWOOOO!
OBI-WAN: [chuckles lightly] The Wookiee thinks you replace the captain. Survey said?
[loud ringing and number one slot glows and comes up "the captain"]
HAN: [indignant] Hey, now wait a minute, Fuzzball! That's not very damned funny!
CHEWIE: [rumbling, chortling laughter]
LEIA: [hands on Han's chest, indistinct, soothing words being whispered]
OBI-WAN: [moving to Luke] Hello, Luke. The question is to name something you commonly replace on an old, beat up hunk of junk freighter.
LUKE: Well, I know back on the farm anytime I wanted to slip away, and claim I needed to fix something, I'd always choose power converters from Tosche Station.
OBI-WAN: A useful ruse, was it? Old Owen actually let you get away with that, eh? [chuckles lightly] Master Skywalker says power converters from Tosche Station. Are they up there?
[loud buzzing, and the big red X in the box]
Sorry about that, Luke. [moving back to Han]
If you get his right, you're still in the game for this round, if not, the Imperials have a chance to steal, you've got 300 credits on the board. Name something you commonly replace on an old freighter.
HAN: [conferring with the others, loud babbling sounds and lots of buzzing] We're going to go with the alluvial dampeners.
OBI-WAN: If alluvial dampeners are on the board, you keep control for the next round, if not, the Imperials have your ass in a sling. Show me…alluvial dampeners!
[loud buzzing and the big red X, with the lights shifting to flow towards the Imperials, and Obi-Wan walks to the Emperor]
Hello, Palpatine.
THE EMPEROR: [hissing] That's "Your Excellency" to you, Jedi.
OBI-WAN: What are you going to do, execute me? In case you hadn't noticed, Palpatine, I'm already dead, thanks to Anakin.
VADER: [growling] I told you, old man, that name no longer has any meaning for me.
OBI-WAN: It must, or it wouldn't bother you so much for me to call you that. [Vader growls ominously, raising hand as if holding a cup, to choke Obi-Wan, to no avail of course] Didn't I tell you when we fought last that if you cut me down, I'd become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Did you think I was talking out my ass, or what?
VADER: [still growling] You cheated. I didn't see that in the fine print in my Jedi Handbook. It wasn't a fair duel.
BOBA FETT: Your Excellency, let me shoot him, huh, huh, huh, can I, can I, can I please, huh, huh? [bouncing up and down with blaster rifle in hand]
TARKIN: Put that away, you blithering idiot, before you shoot me! [grumbling under breath] Damned bounty hunter scum.
THE EMPEROR: Silence, Fett! Vader, be still! Tarkin, make sure any buttons you press are properly labeled. I don't want to be ON the next ship you blow up. [turning back to Obi-Wan] Now, what was the question again, Jedi?
OBI-WAN: [sighing in exasperation] Name something you commonly replace on an old freighter.
TARKIN: [raises hand] The freighter!
THE EMPEROR: [hissing] I said silence, you idiot! [turning back to Obi-Wan, a slow grin crossing his face, and cackling evilly] The Manifold Air Pressure sensor!
OBI-WAN: [raising eyebrows] The Manifold Air Pressure sensor?
THE EMPEROR: [nodding emphatically] Yes, you Light Side Spirit fool, the Manifold Air Pressure sensor. How do you think we kept the Millennium Falcon from getting away until we were ready for it to all those times? We removed the MAP sensor.
OBI-WAN: That's just evil!
THE EMPEROR: [clasping hands and cackling] That's why I'm the Emperor and the evil Dark Lord of the Sith, Jedi!
HAN: [seething in anger, and drawing his blaster] You dirty, no good, filthy, Imperial scum!
OBI-WAN: No, wait, we have a game to finish!
THE EMPEROR: Are you just going to stand there and let that Rebel, alien loving scum harm your Emperor? Attack! Lord Vader! Fett!
LEIA: [drawing her blaster] Oh, no you don't. That's my man you're talking about attacking!
OBI-WAN: Survey said?
[loud ringing, and the third slot comes up MAP sensor, but no one's paying attention]
BOBA FETT: [firing blaster rifle at Leia] Shut up, Rebel wench!
LUKE: [igniting lightsaber and deflecting the blaster bolt back, bouncing it off the ceiling and right through Obi-Wan] Hey, that's my sister you're shooting at, laser brains!
FETT: [firing several more times] Oh yeah? What of it, Junior?
TARKIN: [turning to the announcer] Power up the super laser and fire at will.
ANNOUNCER: [mystified] What?
TARKIN: You heard me! Power up the super laser and destroy the Rebel base, er, uh stand.
OBI-WAN: [yelling] Wait! Stop! You don't realize what you're doing!
THE EMPEROR: [shooting Force lightning from his hands at all four of the Rebels] You will learn what true pain is, my young apprentice, my young apprentice, my young apprentice, my…my…my tall, furry, shaggy apprentice!
[the Rebels are zapped, and their skeletons are visible for a couple of moments]
VADER: [slaps the Emperor upside the head] Hey, those are my kids you're flash frying! If anybody's going to flash fry them, its going to be me!
THE EMPEROR: [rubbing head] Then what are you waiting on, Lord Vader? Fry them! I command you!
CHEWIE: [roaring and picking up stand, throwing it at the Imperials, nearly knocking them all down]
TARKIN: [to Announcer] You wish another target, a competing network target? Then fire the super laser!
FETT: [firing wildly, ripping holes in the wall and knocking down lighting fixtures]
VADER: [drawing lightsaber, and flicking the switch, nothing happening] Oh, no, not again!
THE EMPEROR: I told you not to buy those cheap Wal Mart brand batteries, Vader! They never last!
VADER: [growling in impotent anger]
[blaster fire passing back and forth, whining loudly, striking objects and exploding]
FETT: [still firing away, but now also Riverdancing, and the Irish Riverdance song is audible, just barely]
[the studio explodes in a blaze of glory, fire and smoke billowing everywhere, the last echo of the super laser just able to be heard, then silence and darkness]
OBI-WAN: [shimmers back into sight amidst dead bodies and rubble, shaking his head wearily] I knew I should have signed that contract with Gene Roddenberry!
[shimmers, fading away, holding comlink] Hello, Gene? This is Obi-Wan. Yes, Obi-Wan, the Jedi you wanted to play the doctor, remember? I was wondering…is that offer still on the table? Well, I'm not really doing…[fades into silence, and fades to black]
THE END