Hecksing: The Dawn
Chapter 1: The Don
Beginning AN:
This is a prequel to Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals and the third story (not counting HUC itself) that contributes to expanding its ever-expanding universe. Like HUC and Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals (the first expansion) but unlike Carl Stevens Universe (the second), this one will also be done badly on purpose and is installment number eight in SBIG. Unlike both HUC itself and HHC, it will not have typoes and mispellings in it - even in the beginning bits! - unless I feel they are appropriate. Pretty much because I was told twice by different people on different installments that typoes just make it hard to understand, and by themselves do not add to the value of it.
This might spoil quite a lot about HUC proper. If you have any interest in reading HUC unspoiled, please do not proceed and read HUC first. Although, as this itself says, you could just read through the world chronologically instead, which I think only means skipping the first paragraph of the story proper and avoiding the sections that are said to be spoilers. Which is supposed to decrease phenominally after this chapter.
This is kind of stretching on not being a Hellsing fan fic, given how Alucard is vastly out of character (complete with a different backstory), I'm not really trying that hard with Integra or Walter either. Plus the whole plot's different from the original Hellsing: The Dawn...
By the way, just to be perfectly clear, I want to say again in bold (for those who skip opening notes) that this is done badly on purpose! Despite the lack of typoes and blatant self-insert protagonists, this is still a joke story not meant to be taken seriously. Those stupid plot moments here are supposed to be laughed at, though whether it works or not is kind of up to my own skill.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by an expert group of supernatural fighters and one badass mob leader. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
You know how in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals the main characters are Seras Rip my OC Carl, and for sequel serieses like the much better written Carl Stevens Universe the Captain to a lesser extent becomes a fourth person when needed? Yeah? What about Alucard, Integra, Walter, and Pip? Well, fucking Pip, we'll give them screentime in the form of a PREQUEL. No sequels because they are spoilers dead end spoilers and they're revealed to be dead in the thirteenth chapter of HUC which takes place in the future, so nothing before that moment of the future can have them otherwise they'll just come back to life only to die again and that would be stupid. Think of Hecksing like Red Dwarf which was once a really big organization but now it's just down to a handful of idiots after everyone died, and their Pikmin. Except Red Dwarf did not have Pikmin.
Anyway, we'll start the story by thickening Alucard's flashback as that is actually where I DO want it to start, not that I just wanted to give a fancy backstory intro or a perspective thing. Anyway, he rebelled against his older bro from wanting to join his family tradition at the age of 13.
"then i shall poonish you eh!" His mysterious older brother said. Now, since this is taking place in HUC's past, I of course do not want to give away who he is in case you want to read this chronologically.
Anyway, Alucard's bro punched him into the gut and sent him flying across the Atlantic ocean, except it was not a complete punch across the ocean since I wanted to do this cool thing where he falls on the water surface itself five miles away from shore, but using his fancy Badguy training skills, Alucard stopped his feet on the water and he skidded across and it was really cool like in anime. After reaching the shore, he also skid across the sand's of the beach, and blew off a hot beach woman's top because this is supposed to be a lot of fan service in this story. Alucard's heels hit sidewalk and he flipped and landed on the street, where he ran to avoid cars like in Frogger. In the future Bro will get powerful enough to make a complete punch across oceans and do much more so the punch was only incomplete to show Alucard on water.
Then his Bro phonecalled him, and I forgot exactly what he said, I don't want to look through HUC right now and if I say something else then people will go Big Bang Theory on me about the different multiverses and stuff so I'm cutting to the part where his phone exploded on him! Except an unseen event from HUC, the explosion also blew off an arm and an eye since Alucard was not a vampire yet!
"NO! I WAS RIGHT HANDED! NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER!" Alucard cried. "Oh wait now I'm like Vriska Serket. Cool!"
He took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out, and looked around. First he made his way to the topless woman. The one who was topless because whose top he knocked off, not because it's Europe.
"Where am I?" He asked. "I was in the United States of America before, but I flew across either an ocean or a really really big lake. So I want to be sure. BECAUSE THAT IS THE GOODGUY MOTO!"
"This is the United Kingdoms of London."
He nodded, and then walked away, and then when nobody was looking a hologram of a head came out from hiding in her bikini bottom.
"Hm..." said this hologram figure. "I have no idea who this kid is, but I like his atittude already."
"He looks like the younger brother of that infamous Badguy guy!" The woman said. "I know it because the older Badguy brother is a celebrity, and a few years ago the younger one kept talking about how much he wanted to abandon the tradition."
"Oh. Oh boy. That's bad for Hitler Revival Groups like us. He'll want to directly oppose us. We must stay on alert, daughter. In the event of him doing something, please don't hesitate to don't hesitate me to send the Mafiamights after him."
The woman giggled, and then when she smiled it showed a pair of vampire fangs.
"Sure thing, daddy."
Ok this time I did look through the chapter.
It was a bad World War I and lots of people died and London was wrecked. Alucard had gone to the hospital before hand though so he would not get an infection from the injury that the explosion left him. He did however still need an eyepatch, and no fake arm because there's wasn't any real prosthetic arms back in the day. He just came out of hiding since the war ended, holding a roll of ductape in one hand and a wooden plank in... the same hand.
"Hee hee hee the Doctor said this would be a waste of time but I CAN DO THIS! I WILL BECOME A PIRATE SORT OF, EXCEPT WITH A MISSING ARM INSTEAD OF A MISSING LEG!"
And he got to live out his hidden dream of being a pirate! By sticking the wood against a wall, then putting his stump to it, while using the tape to tie it all together. "THIS IS SO COOL I COULD TALK LIKE A PIRATE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YAR MATIES! EVEN AFTER I GET AN ARM GROWN BACK BUT I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW BUT- oh hey wait a minute..."
He saw a shop that read: "Dracula's Supernatural Shop! If this was a video game, it's where shit gets real! (Note it's legal to say Shit in London) We can turn you into a vampire! Or sell you powerful magical stuff!"
Alucard rubbed his chin and entered.
"Want do you want?" Dracula, the shop runner, said.
"I NEED TO BECOME A VAMPIRE! It's not that I want to heal my arm, after all I think I could live with it, it's just that I need to avenge my Bro."
"I'm sowwy, I cannot tuwn you."
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH GUYS! ONLY WOMEN CAN TURN MEN, AND MEN CAN TUWN WOMEN! AND MY FEMALE TUWNEW IS DEAD FWOM WORLD WAR ONE SO SHE CAN'T JOIN UNTIL LIKE EVER!"
"Oh fiddlesticks."
"But I'll tell you what. In the future, gender seperations will go down a little bit, so the vampire king will no longer discriminate because the equal rights movement will change his mind. That's why Carl was able to transform Quimby in HUC."
"How long will I have to wait?"
"About fourty years."
"DAMN!"
Then he left, and he was in such a bad mood that he did not bother picking up anything else from the shop that might help him out. He was storming across the country, wanting a way to get powerful! But he felt too weak! He couldn't even go to the same country he was in without getting punched back here or to another country. Or worse, the ocean.
WEorld War I was at least over with, but not too long after marked the beginning of World War II. Hm. He was sent there in 1914, and then I guess to make this match the story World War One's ending, which I think was 1935, happened shortly before II's beginning, and II will end on 1945. So that makes pre-vampire Alucard... 34 let's say, because he didn't have his birthday yet.
Then he was running! Running away from his Bro's supernatural villains! So much that he did not notice when he ran into a figure! They both fell but the figure got up sooner than he did and it looked at him.
"Watch... where... you're... going." Said figure said, and then laughed at him.
"And who might you be?"
The figure looked like a women, really talk and mostly cloaking herself in shadows via umbrella. Except for her bright teeth and also bright glasses shining at him, and he could tell she was in a purple suit. Speaking of her teeth, he couldn't help but notice the fangs. Why he didn't notice the fangs of the beach woman earlier was because he wasn't as into vampires as he was now.
"Oh hey, you look like a vampire. Are you?"
"Yes."
"Hey can you turn me?"
She shrugged. But to make this more dramatic than the flashback of HUC, I can say that the shrug led to a fit of laughter!
"Do you really want to get into the seedy underbelly of the vampire business? Do you not know what trials and tasks lurk ahead? Do you not know the comforts of the mortality you will be giving up?"
"Conforts of mortality? Are you saying that there be such thing as immortality?"
"Yes."
"There isn't."
She laughed at him. "Oh, stranger, stranger, how you would like to think that. What you don't know is that you are speaking to someone who had walked the Earth for over six hundred years. I am six hundred and sixteen years old."
"Nice. Can you turn me?"
"This will be my last time asking you: Are you sure?"
"YES! I NEED TO AVVENGE MY BRO1"
And then he saw her mouth growing a lot and becoming really scary as she made rows of teeth, and then blackness.
He had a dream. That he was running around, fully healed, and shooting a cannon at an army of zombies and werewolfs and ghosts. He was running straight foreward the whole time, shouting "Revenge! Revenge! Revenge!"
Then he woke up when he ran into Integra. They both fell to the floor.
"Who are you?" He asked after he came to.
"Hey there. My name is Integra Heck. I am thinking of starting an organization to stop all vampires, zombies, and werewolfs. Care to join?"
"Hm, Heck. I like that name. I can UNLEESH HECK on the badguys."
"Oh. You never told me your name."
"Pardon me matey, the reason why I said my last sentence with 'Badguy' is because my name is Alucard Badguy, and I WANT TO PUT AN END TO MY FAMILY'S TRADITION!"
Integra smiled, and pointed in a direction. "Then let's get started! This is a new dawn!"
HECKSING: THE DAWN
CHAPTER i
(Yes this was all the intro and now for the actual story. With originality and not copypasta of chapter 5o f HUC. Well there is some original bits you just have to look for them.)
(Hecksing Manor)
It was not a manor back then it was only an apartment. There was some random dude using security stuff on the web.
"That's my roommate, Walter. He came here just a few days ago asking for a place to live."
Walter waved at Alucard, then frowned.
"Nobody told me that there was going to be three of us. I was only informed that it would just be a coool duo."
"Nobody told you we would stay a duo." Integra snarked. "Get used to it, because I have big dreams and I want to follow them through. I want this to become big. I can already image what our successors would be like, the people who would be around to carry our name after all three of us have perished..."
She looked up into the air, and got an imagination thing.
Expectation:
It was 2015 and Y2K had wiped out most of the Earth, because remember this takes place in the past (and I think it's my first story that does that like the PAST past like WWII and for the majority of the story too!), however there was one gang there to save the human race... HECKSING!
Staring Nosfourtwo Badass, a very powerful vampire with excellent guns. Nosfourtwo shot a ton of monsters that were climbing up from a wasteland, blaring them all down. All the while, a hot woman in glasses and a suit known as Charity Underworld gave Nosfourtwo orders. She commanded, "ATTACK OVER THERE! NO WAIT, THAT WAS JUST A SOCK, OVER THERE!"
And then some ninjas jumped the pair from behind! It looked like they would die! Even Nosfourtwo! But then, Alter Ztornez jumped up himself, and used chakra blades to cut them down!
"WE ARE A TEAM!" They all shouted.
Reality, June 11 2012, MINOR SPOILERS MAYBE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DIDN'T READ HUC YET OR AT LEAST USE PROTECTION IF YOU DO:
Y2K did not happen. And neither did the Earth ending in 2012, putting an end to those annoying "This story is about the Earth ending so it's takes place on 2012!" jokes. Hecksing didn't really know that but they knew it wasn't going to happen anyway. What did happen, though, was Carl and Rip singing:
"I'm a total freaking rockstar from Mars," They both siad, then Rip allowed Carl a solo "WINNING!"
"Come on Bro, I got Tiger's blood, WINNING!"
"You borrow my brains and you're like, DUDE CAN'T HANDLE IT!"
Then the Captain ran across naked becides his hat shouting "AND LOOK AT WHAT A GOD FITER I AM!" And Seras chased after him with his clothes in her hand and with a worried look on her face.
December 19 2013:
"Urgh." Carl said, leaning his head back in the van while he drove. "I got beaten by the kid yesterday. It was a few hours before midnight, and this is after, so it's technically yesterday. I'd rather get my butt whooped by that hot red one. And now that most of our soldiers have gone missing, we have to carry a lot of our crap in this van. How annoying!"
Rip, the driver, groaned. "So where do we go next? Personally, I want to avoid running back to London. It makes our trip to Delaware seem to have a little less... spice and meaning than it really did."
"Oh, but it did have meaning babe! It taught me not to play too damn loudly, and to be a lot more caring of my girlfriends when I party like the wild jackass that I am! Whether I'm out in the middle of Nowhere, London, or in a small town-that-calls-itself-a-city and pissin' everybody off!"
In the back seats, in her coffin, Seras laughed then tried to go back to sleep.
December 12 2014:
"R-r-r-rejected! Nothin' but rejections! Everytime we go to another spot of the Earth and ask... argh!"
Carl slumped back at the bar and weeped.
"If I, Seras, Rip, and the Captain die, then that's it! It's just a now-smaller number of soldiers left and there's nobody to ccary on the Hecksing name!"
Then he smiled.
"Meh, then again, we're all immortal jackasses anyway. So we'll live for a while. Integra, and Alucard just got very, very unlucky, Rip's more powerful than both of them combined, aaaaand Walter was a traitor and thus against us and he got to taste our wraths. I feel a bit better now. Maybe."
(Reality in the Present Well More Like the Past)
Three people in bright yellow police uniforms broke into the apartment!
"Freeze!" The leader said, "We are the Anticops! One of currently fifty-seven Hitler Revival Groups! This is our entirety, and we are like cops in our design except we break the law instead of protect it! That's why we busted into your house without a permit!"
"Oh, that's clever." Walter said, putting his hands up along with Integra.
"Now, we'll shoot!"
Then Alucard laughed, and grabbed a random gun Integra left lying around, and charged at them, crying "UNLEESH HECK!"
Using his speed jutsu, and it was a jutsu not all vampires are naturally fast since I don't want to write Twilight vampires, Alucard managed to make it over before the leader could shoot, and then he stole the leader's gun and crossed his hands around and tilted both guns to the side, shooting both of the henchmen in the balls. (All three of them were guys. Oh and he crossed his hands just for show; he only used one hand on both guns since he still had the peg arm.) Then he gave a very scary grin at the leader, but did not add anything too fancy since he has not eaten anyone yet, until just now because Alucard dovve his face into him and took a big bite into the neck shoulder and it hurt and there was alot of blood. The henchmen watched in horror as after manually taking a few bites the blood started to kind of just levitate from the injury into Alucard. It took a while, but he just ate his first person. And his second, as after that he ate one of them henchmen, then turned to give a freaky look at the last one.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU ATTACK US!"
"OK! OK! I'LL TELL!"
"Nah I'm just messing with you matey. I'm getting the memories right now."
Alucard turned to Integra. "It turns out that these Hitler Revival Groups are being sent after people who are suspected to be heroes. They send in weak guys, like these stupid 'anti cops,' and if they die, then they can send the stronger groups after them, but unless the heroes are actively trying to fight HRGS then they just give up at some point once a really strong group is killed. Oh and they also send HRGs after the ones that succeed at making a rebelling statement. Fortunately, they don't send in groups that often, usually just one group at a time handles them by sending one person at a time, so once we dispatch all of these guys, we should be safe."
"I WON'T DO ANYTHING!" The Anti Cop said, "I SWEAR! I'LL BE A GOOD GUY! SANTA THINKS SO!"
"I'm your Santa now bitch," Integra said.
Alucard finished "And YOU JUST GOT ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!"
Alucard ate the last one. He continued, "Get it? Santa? Because I like wearing red?"
"Good." Said Integra. "Now we can do more research."
"Hm? Oh, I don't think so. You see, I want to continue killing these usueless pieces of trash. Giive me more! More! Is there another HRG out there?"
"Well, one of our leads sends us to a group called the Katana Gang. It's a group of ten though, they surfaced way more than the other HRGs shortly after the time you said you came to this country, and have way more clues about them then the rest of them. Wait a minute, can you tell me what you picked off from these guys from the memories?"
"Sadly, no. All I know is they establish themselves through a very weird way by making the group first, then meeting up with the leader through hologram. HRGs rarely interact with eachother or their boss, as they call him, the Overseer, so I have no idea who he is outside of his hologram."
Integra shrugged. "Oh well. Let's kick this Katana Gang's asses!"
(Their Hideout)
Alucard walked in with a mustache on and carrying a pizza box. He rang the doorbell, and some guy came to answer it.
"Hello there, I have a pizza delivery." Said Alucard, "Extra sausage, like you siad."
"Ok."
Then he walked in, and looked around the gang. They were screwing around, two of them sword practicing eachother, one of them was balancing on a pole, and then there was a young Yumie playing video games. But since this took place in the past she had to play older games, like Super Mario 64.
"Hey Katana Gang." Alucard said, shocking everybody. "I know you're a katana gang and I have an identity as part of this group called Hecksing. I've set out to destroy all the Hitler Revival Groups and you're kind of next on my list. I also want to kill other random monsters, but the HRGs are kind of my basics here. In other words, the HRGs are my ABCs matey."
Walter jumped out of the pizza box! "AHA!"
"NO!" Said one of the women in the gang, "I thought you were the male stripper I called for!"
"Ew no..." Walter said, even though she was talking about Alucard. "Can you picture a bishonen naked? Ew. Oh, and get it? Extra sausage even though you made the order and not us?"
Then Alucard took a lot of guns out! He did not have the advanced powers enough to turn the gungs he collected from the Anti Cops into shadows and hide them inside himself, so he had to pull some out of his backback. But Integra's gun he pulled out of his pants because it was special to him. Then, using his individuals fingers to hold the guns thanks to his vampire strength, he shot around and killed most of the Katana Gang. Yumie was too short though, but by the time he aimed at her, she laughed and grabbed a pill.
"What's that?" Alucard asked, "Viagra? You'll need that because no normal human being can have the balls to fight me."
"IT'S AN AWESOME FLASH DRIVE PILL CALLED A FLASH DRIVER! IT FLASH FREEZES ME FOR UP TO 10,000 YEARS UNTIL ONE OF THE BUT TEN HITLER REVIVAL GROUPS THAT HAS THE ANTIDOTE UNFREEZES ME, AND THEN I CAN JUST HOPE ON AND JOIN THEM!"
She ate it, just as Alucard shot, only to have a giant capsule of ice go over her. Alucard frowned. He touched the ice, then brought his hand back in pain.
"OW! It's frozen holy water!"
As Alucard ate the corpses, Integra came in bursting through the house in a helicopter.
"AHA! YOU'VE JUST GOT HOLDED UP BY HECKSIN-"
"You're too late Integra Alucard killed everybody." Walter said.
"ACTUALLY, YOU'RE NOT TOO LATE!"
Then iron bars appeared over the doors and windows! Not knowing where that voice came from, Hecksing thought about going out the hole that Integra broke through the wall, but instead the floor started to shake, and the entire house got sinkholed into a cave!
"To the panic room!" Alucard cried.
"How did you know there is a panic room?" Integra cried back.
"I got the memories of the people who live here!"
And they went through the house and Alucard grabbed the SM64 as the house crumbled and tumblred below them, falling down this really deep chasm and getting the shit kicked out of it. Yumie slipped out and fell into the depths of the cave below, while Alucard led Walter and Integra to a panic room. He knew the combination and opened it, and they had to fly in since they were falling at this point. Inside they were still tumbling around but at least it was in more of a closed space, and they had beer and playboys with them.
"Oh thank God." Integra said. "I could use a drink. WAIT NO DAMMIT! TOO BAD THE FALL'S SHAKEN IT UP!"
Walter grabbed thenearest playboy. "AT LEAST IF YOU SHAKE UP A PLAYBOY, IT WON'T FIZZ BEER!"
If this was Loony Tunes, then it would have. But Hecksing is more realistic than that.
After falling down the cave, Hecksing landed safely then noticed that they were floating on a river. The intercom in the room played, which was creepy since the room was disconnected from everything.
"BY THE WAY I USED AN INTERCOM TO TELL YOU THAT LAST MESSAGE." It was the same mystery voice from before! "YOU SEE, THIS IS A STICKUP1 WHEN HE CAME TO THIS COUNTRY,, YOUR WAIFU ALUCARD WAS CAUGHT THE ATTENTION OF ONE OF MY VAMPIRE DAUGHTERS! WE DECIDED TO BRIEFLY ASK ONE OF THE HRGS IF THEY COULD BE A DECOY, TO USE THEIR BASE FOR US TO SET UP A TRAP! WE ARE THE MAFIAMIGHTS, AND I AM THEIR LEADER, the don, AND THIS HRG IS WAY MORE COMPETANT THAN THAT STUPID ANTI COPS OR KATANA GANG!"
"Why did you just let the Katana Gang die like that?" Integra asked. "I mean, you could have had them evacuate until they get stronger, and still pull the exact same plan."
"It's to show how we are crazzy evil people. NOW TRY TO LEAVE THE PANIC ROOM!"
Alucard turned the door. It wouldn't budge!
"I am using the same vampire magic that enables me to talk to you through this PA system. Except I am more than a vampire! I am also a strong psychic!"
"OH NO!" Integra cried. Walter also looked worried.
"What's the matter matey?" Alucard said, before laughing. "Heh heh I'm actually ona ship in a way. Anyway, psychic just means he can move things around without touching them, right? Because vampires can do the same thing at higher levels."
"It's not that. Look. Psychics are like the Sharingan. It lets people make up powers as they go along."
"CORRECT!" The Don said, and then one of those TV things clicked on (vampire magic) to show him floating near the end of the river and above the water. He had a glowing orb floating in his hands. "This orb here is a pocket dimension I made a while ago! My entire HRG is in here! Now, those who touch it will be portally transported into the world itself, as it also acts as a portal especially when I resize it! Except it's not quite a portal more like a small world that shrinks you to its size when you go into it like the Mario session from Sweet Jade and Hella John. See you in hell!"
He did a square-thing with his hands and the orb expanded and the panic room went inside and was transported in. Then he laughed as he flew into the orb and the orb shrank back to its original size and stayed levitating above the cave's river. The camera shut off.
(Pocket Dimension)
The PA clicked on and the Don said "I unlocked your door now since if I didn't, Alucard would just probably do a vampire drill or something like that."
They did (not the drill the opening), and when they got out, they found themselves inside a prarie! With its own sky and everything! In the middle of it, not too far from the panic room, was a three-floor dojo. Alucard tried to walk away but he was stopped by some weird invisible wall made of blue stuff forming in front of him.
"Shoot. It's worse than I though." Integra said. "He's sensing when we're near the exit, and so he has the chakra of the exit parts harden to the point that none of us can pass it. Alucard, Walter, don't even bother trying to power your way through the chakra walls, this man is clearly overleveling all of us. Let's just go inside the dojo and see what he wants."
As they walked there, Alucard said, "Hey I used to don't live as close to Asia as you do, so if I'm acting racist, tell me, ok?"
Once they got in, it looked empty! Then the Don appeared through a ball of shadows!
"Welcome to my three-stage challenge of death. I am doing this cuz I'm a mob member, and we mobs have a very elaborate, cool ways of killing people."
"BUT IT IS BORDERLINE RACIST." Alucard yelled. "Taking a dojo and turning it into something EVIL. Do you think RACIST is cool?"
"Why do you think we call ourselves a Hitler Revival Group, dipshit?"
"Aw shoot I thought that plan would work."
"And this isn't really racist. Let me tell you what trials are up ahead. First floor, my men. Kill them. Next floor, my 100 beautiful vampire daughters. Get past them. But don't kill them or I will morph this pocket dimension into something that will instantly kill you. Third floor, me. Kill me, and my chakra will not be supporting this pocket dimension anymore, it will break down and dissipate, and you can escape.
He vanished. And then a big number of Mafiamight members came in! Integra ran around the room, shooting them, while Walter chakra stringged a ton of them! Alucard was happily shooting around and eating them himself, but then he realized something. Half of them tasted funny.
"HALF OF THESE TASTE WEIRD!" Alucard shouted. Walter looked around.
"ALUCARD! Cover me! I'll try to decipher this! I'm really good at using chakra!"
After doing several handsigns, Walter cried, "SEE WITHOUT EYES NO JUTSU!"
And then everything went black around him, except for Walter himself. And he was at first on a cool looking gray spotlight, before the jutsu really started kicking in. Once it did, we saw the mob members, except half of them turned into blue chakra-lookingb shapes. And so did the entire dojo later.
"Pocket dimensions are normally just made of a lot of chakra." Walter said as the view went back to normal. "I have deduced what is and it's real. You see, this dojo and the field its in is just highly elaborate chakra made into a dojo and a grass and a sky, and half of these guys are really just kind of like transformed shadow clones. If you eat them, they'll just turn to chakra and leave your body right through it. That's why they taste funny. Things made of chakra only made to look different but not changed to say water, taste weird."
"HOW DO I TELL THE DIFFERENT?"
"Wait until we kill them." Integra said with a smile as she shot another one. " The clones just turn into a cloud that puffs away. But the real ones stay and start bleeding everywhere."
Speaking of bleeding everywhere, that's what the mob was doing! So one of them shouted, "THIS BATTLE IS BEING WON BY THEM! WE'RE CANON FODDER! WE MUST NOT BE THAT! SO SPECIAL TECHNICQUE: FLASH MOB!"
And then they stopped trying to fight Hecksing and instead had a pillow fight. Hecksing was confused and went, "Wut."
They took advantage of this to throew a bomb of gas! The mob was immune to it from training, but Walter and Integra were knocked out!
"Hey, as a vampire I am also very resillient to this." Alucard said.
Then one of them threw a water balloon at him. Alucard look angrily back at them, before he started steaming and burning.
"AAAAAH! THIS ISN'T ORDINARY WATER! IT'S HOLY WATER! AND NOW THAT I AM MORE SENSITIVE TO THE GAS, I WILL-" And he was knocked out.
They awoke on the same floor, their arms and legs tied behind their backs. Alucard's ropes were cyan and glowing, unlike Integra and Walter's. The Don was there, and he was pacing back and forth between them.
"Tsk tsk tsk." He said. "Pathetic. Just pathetic. I expected a lot more out of you. That's why I didn't kill you right away."
Alucard laughed. "Really? Do you think you can kill me? You're just a young grasshopper. I'm, like... a lion. Not a tiger though, those things are annoying."
"Yes. I think I ccan kill you." The Don said, then shot two feet away from Alucard's head. "But I won't. Yet. I still have the test of my bisexual 100 vampire daughters who are more than happy to share the same target. Now, are you into women?"
"Yes." Said Alucard.
"Yes." Said Walter.
Integra said, "Uh out of curiosity, if I say no, will you kill me?"
"I can tell that you're not into lladies. Dissapointing. Watching three people deal with them would have been a lot more fun. And yes, we'll have to kill you."
"In that case, yes."
"Hm. You seem to be lieing. So here's what we'll do. Again, I like painfully elaborate adn stupid deaths can we can use slang pun terms for. We'll tie you to the back seat of a car, take that car to the roof of the dojo, and put a brick on the gas petal. It has to be a brick, because that's the cool mob way. We'll also have a ramp there. You go off the ramp, BOOM."
As the guards lifted Integra up, placed her in the brand new 2015 Hummer, and used a forklift to take it up to the roof, Walter protested.
"Hey I'm 19 by this point in time does that make me and them legal? Hell, Integra was 12 and you almost thought of asking her to ask them out."
"I do not want to question why a 12 year old would let a 19 year old into her appartment, or inddeed have an apartment on her own. You guys are screw up. But yes, that's A-OK in our books. Hell Alucard's 34 physically, so yes these are adults. And now that you mention it, Integra did look a little too young to date my daughters. So we would have killed her anyway if you brought that up. Good call."
Then thee Don did some hand sighs, and the ropes around Alucard and Walter were broken.
"HEY. YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KILLED WLATER AND I IF WE WERE GAY. DOES THAT MAKE IT HOMOPHOBIA? DO YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN LIKE THAT?" Alucard shouted.
"First off, we also kill straight women, so it's ok. Second, again, Hitler Revival Group. Hitler also liked to kill gays. Read your history books, dipshit. Hell, you're American, so your history book of all things should cover that more, since your country is more obsessed with voilence."
"THAT'S RACIST! And it makes no sense coming from an Italian-"
"I'm Canadian, dipshit. Maybe I should capitalize the 'D' and call you that for a name, Dipshit? Oh yeah, and WHO THE RACIST NOW?"
"-Canadian that's trying to use a elaborate way to kill my boss! And maybe master!"
He ignored Alucard's bitching and led the two men to the elevator, not a forklift this time because he thought that would not be a fancy way to begin a date. The doors opened and 100 women were there dressed in military uniforms. Alucard looked around and saw one of them.
"HEY! I recognize you when I accidentally knocked your top off at the beach1"
"Yeah well it turns out I'm evil."
"D:" For those reading this on ffn (I noticed this problem back in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals), there is supposed to be a "less than" sign after that. He's making a mad face not a sad face.
Walter said, "Hello there, I am trying to see if I can score a date with one of you."
"Oh," one of the 100 said, "Is this supposed to be a blind date, Daddy? I told you, none of us like that crap."
There was a buzzing sound, and Alucard and Walter looked up to see a giant 10x10 scoreboard, with each panel giving a red X.
"BTW" said the Don, "These gals will be scoring you like this. If there's a check, good, you move to the next round with those girls while the rest of them think you're a piece of shit that's not deserving of them. If they score X, then you'll be fucked. Not in the sexual way, in the mob-slang-term-for-kill way. Observe with Walter here."
"But-but-but..." Alucard started to panic, as the Don forced Walter to move to the center of the room. "This is an impossible task! They'll shoot us down faster than pre-colonoscopy stuff shoots through you so that you'll be clean for a test! Because they hate the idea of the blind dates, and they're judging us based on the blind dates! And not giving us a chance!"
"True." Then the Don shrugged. "Meh, I don't like you anyway. Now, daughters, shoot him."
(Roof)
Having living with Walter for a bit Integra knew how to do some of his moves, and then reached her hands arouond the ropes and did a few handsigns.
"SEE WITHOUT EYES NO JUTSU!" She cried as one of the Mafiamights put the brick on the gas. Then she saw... NO CHAKRA ON THE CAR!
"So thiss is a real car and not a chakra illusion!" She cheered. "Good, because then it will really work like a real car, and I wouldn't gamble to see if the Don took the time to make this legit or not!"
Then she flipped a secret knive out and cut the ropes and then got a gun out of her pocket, and shot the engine so that it would explode and stop the car. Then she kicked the door open, and watched as the Mafiamights tried to stop her, then just shot a ton of them.
"I WILL BREAK OUT OF HERE, DAMMIT!" Then she looked back in the car and got an idea...
She jumped in and drove it (pouring water that the Maftiamights brough with them so that the fire on it would be extinguished and it would work a little longer), except instead of going off the ramp she drove straight off the roof so that it wouldn't flip and dive headfirst to the grass. Instead it landed on its tires. After this Integra drove back to the bomb shelter, and got out a six-pack of beer and smirked.
(The Dating Sim Room)
So that this will make sense we flash back to when the daughters all open fire on Walter. He coulod not run since they surrounded him from a ton of directions, however he did not need to as Alucard quickly jumped and tackled him to the ground and covered over him, using his body and vampire powers to sheild the bullets. Sad meaningful Naruto music began playing in the background as he said this.
"NO! I will not let you die! For you are a Hecksing, and as a Hecksing member, you will be forever in my debut to serve, and I will assist you! This organization taught me how to fight badguys! Before I was just some homeless idiot wandering around a country that I could easily go away from had I afford a boat or plane ticket!"
He began to get up, but it was in a slow fashion since the bullets were made of copper and vampires are weak to that. He had a serious look on his face.
"I am a servant. And Integra is my master. And you are her friend. So you are my friend. And I must use my power to, above all, protect my friends, especially because back in the United States, I didn't have any. It's a grim real world out there. Full of torture, genocide, and smoking in public parks. AND THE SMOKING IS DONE AROUND KIDS! KIDS! But to go through that and fight still, THAT is what it means to be a true friend! And vampire servant! And... I forgot what thiss is about, but heed these words, young grasshoppers!"
The daughters all cried, while the Don said "Heh heh it looked like you were having butt sex."
"IS THAT AN EMPHASIS FOR KILL?" Alucard asked.
"No Dipshit, it means it looked like you were humping."
The scoreboaard flashed all green checks, except the last one which was an X.
"WOW!" The Don shouted. "Incredible! Maybe I should take you out of here, and back at my place, where you could try to woo all of my daughters except for the last one."
One of the daughters, 019 (let's simple it and say The One From the Beach), said, "HIS SPEACH IS SO TOUCHING!"
078 shrugged. "I just like the fact that he may become my personal slave. Cool."
100 glared. "Meh."
066 leaned foreward. "Hey, can we have a favor?"
"What." The Don said, still amazed.
"Seeing how cool Alucard was, maybe we should give Wlater another chance?"
"Um yes. IF HE CAN KILL ME FIRST! I will take him to the third trial! And Dipshit, you too, to watch! But only watch! NO DEFENSIVE BUTT SEX THIS TIME!"
(Floor Threee)
Walter shivered a little, staring at this imposing, big, man dressed in a fancy suit that tried to hide his madness, but he was clearly crazy. Walter was a lot better at hiding the crazies he had from working for the Millennium. This was it! The final showdown for this task!
"BEGIN!" The Don cried.
He got out a pistol and shot it a few times in Walter's direction, but Walter was busy dodging that with his ninja skills, and at time slicing up the bullets with his chakra strings. He did, though, get some of those strings around Don's neck, but THE DON JUST BROKE THEM BY CRACKING HIS NECK!
"YOUR CHAKRA MOVES ARE NOOBS!" He cried, then shot, however he couldn't kill him, because the elevator dinged unexpectadly, and that broke his concentration so he accidentally fired in a different direction.
"Third floor: YOUR DEATH!"
That's what Integra cried, as the elevator doors opened and she was DRIVING THE CAR SHE WAS USED TO BE TRAPPED IN! She drove really fast, and it ra,mmed into the Don! However, since he was a vampire and this isn't an anti-vampire car, all it did was send him back a little.
"IT'S OVER!" She cried, then tossed Walter two beers and texted him. Walter read the text while Don was getting up, and she also texted Alucard.
"Hey Don," Said Walter, "Maybe I should just show how good of a person I am to your daughters right now, by forgiving everything you just did to all of us and inviting you for a beer with me."
Walter tosssed him a beer, and then Don shrugged and went, "Ok."
Then, because it was shaken earlier in the story, the beer shot out at him like a volcano, and left him stunned for a moment!
"NOW ALUCARD! FINISH HIM OFF!" Integra cried. Alucard shrugged.
"BUT I AM RIGHT HANDED AND MY RIGHT HAND IS GONE, MY LEFT HAND STILL HAS TERRIBLE AIM EVEN IF I SPENT MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE USING IT! BECAUSE I STILL HAVEN'T REALLY USED IT TO SHOOT SO MUCH, JUST TO WRITE! I CAN SIGN MY SIGNATURES BUT NOT KILL BAD GUYS FROM THAT LONG OF A RANGE! OH AND I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT WHILE A PEG CAN WORK FOR A LEG, SINCE ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO DO IS BALANCE, THEY MAKE TERRIBLE ARMS SINCE YOU HAVE TO HOLD THINGS!"
"Then use your vampire powers with your right hand!"
"Hm... there is one thing I am aim..."
He aimed his peg arm and then, channeling the powers of the people he ate. Then, his arm stump turned into that shadow stuff Seras had in canon! Which launched the plank off, right through his chest!
"Heh heh" punned Alucard, "Stake through the heart. Like vampires death."
The Don fell to the ground, but then the whole room's walls floors ceiling and furnature started shifting blue for a second! And they shifted again!
001 shouted, "Without the Don alive to use his chakra on this pocket dimension, it's chakra is unstable! It will dissapear and turn to smoke!"
And, both to be true to the jutsus and to make it llook like a big explosion might happen, some bits of steam came up!
"Does this mean the invisible walls outside are down?" Alucard asked.
"Yes."
Outside, the sphere this was kept it dropped like Skrillex drops! Into the river of the cave, and the water got into it! Inside, the water crashed into the area all around, which may have shrunk because pocket dimension, but it was still flooding the plains and getting into the dojo!
"We have to get out of here!" Walter cried, "The meadow may go away soon, but I know chakra! This building's chakra will still stay for 12 hours before it's destroyed completely, and the orb that's shrinking us drown 11 hours, but it will take sooner than that for us to drown in it!"
Integra said "I'll drive," but the water broke through a giant hole in the side of the room! That soon proceeded to smack the car over to the wall, and Integra jumped out just in time! Then she said, "WAIT UNTIL THIS ROOM FILLS UP (so that the pressure is neutral and the water won't be pushing us) AND THEN SWIM OUT THAT HOLE!"
Walter turned to Alucard and said, "Hey Alucard,"
"What mate?"
"Do you even have anything to be afraid about? You're a vampire."
"Arr, I do not. And neither do these lovely ladies. Vampires-"
Upon coming into contact with the Don's corpse, the water started glowing bright!
"NO!" Alucard cried, "HE MUST HAVE HAD HOLY WATER PACKED WITH HIM IN HIS POCKETS OR SOMETHING! Now the water can both drown us AND it kind of stings! Did he plan this on purpose or does Jesus hate me?"
Walter jumped into the water, and thanks to being a badass (and his ninjutsu powers), he could swim against the current and on his way outside of the bubble. Integra just got out a little raft, went inside the falling water, and inflated it, its inflation pushing her out and later the raft flew up to the surface with her in it. On her way up, she waved to Walter.
Watching the water flood the rest of the room around him, like that scene at the beginning of Inception, Alucard sneered at it, and looked over at the daughters, trying to break their way out. He got a text from Integra saying "ALUCARD ARE YOU ABLE TO FIND A WAY OUT?"
He texted back, "YES BUT I WILL NOT LET THESE WOMEN GET KILLED BY THEIR OWN FATHER'S TRAP! IT'S NOT RIGHT TO DIE FROM A FAMILY RELATED THING BY ACCIDENT! WELL IGNORE MY BRO SINCE ME KILLING HIM WILL BE ON PURPOSE BUT YOU GET THE IDEA HE'S A JERK!"
He walked around the seats (yes all three floors had these observation things like Baseball and football) and looked at them all.
"Do you want to become my harem of familiars or something like that?"
"Don't get cocky." Said 001. "We like your atittude, but we don't want to be eaten by you."
"Hrm, then I'll just use my vampire powers to make a shield thingy."
His body turned into a giant sphere of shadow, and all of the daughters gathered around, and he tucked them in and shielded them, as he jumped into the holy water, started smoking and burning a little, and floated through the current to lead them out!
11 hours later the dojo was in ruins yet it fell from the cave river into a giant lake and then someone saw a part of it coming out of the water and so that's how the Lock Ness Monster myth was born.
Back outside in the cave (and again this is flashback no 11 hours), Walter got on Integra's raft, and she paddled them both to a line of rock on the side of the river. Alucard reached the surface too, and turned himself into a giant bigger raft that floated the 100 daughters to the same side of land.
"Now that that's done," Said Alucard, "Do you want to join Hecksing?"
100 cocked a gun at him.
"No."
"B-but- the other girls liked me! Other daughters, you can't just sit there and let me die!"
085 shrugged. "We liked you. But we don't really care if you die. We're all hot, so we can find another person anywya. Becides, just because you saved us doesn't mean that we have to join Hecksing."
So then the other 99 cocked out guns.
"Shit." Alucard sweared. And I think this is serious because I don't remember him swearing back in HUC. Walter, on the other hand, looked up at the ceiling with a plan, and because he had a plan he rubbed his chin.
"IF SPIDER MAN TAUGHT ME ANYTHING IT'S THAT I CAN DO THIS!"
He then shot out a chakra sttring like one of Spiderman's webs, and wrapped it around a stalagmight on the ceiling, then pulled down, and that caused a chain reaction that resulting in a big ass rock breaking from the ceiling and falling on the daughters.
"RUN AWAY!" Walter cried, and he, Alucard, and Integra hopped on the rock and started running down the cave. But before they can hop over the fallen rock and make it to a fork in the roads where they can hope to lose them, THE ROCK WAS SHOT BACK UP WITH HECKSING ON IT! It went near the ceileing until Alucard did a double kick and broke it, then Hecksing landed with ninja powers.
"NOW YOU'LL PAY!" 006 cried, "I DON'T EVEN LIKE SPIDERMAN! OR EVEN MARVEL IN GENERAL! YOU WILL ALL-"
She and the others were all caught in a moment of confusion. This was because an azure grenade landed in the middle of them all. Then it exploded in a holy explosion, blowing them all to a bloody mess of blood and chunks. Rip jumped into the middle of this mess and absorbed all of the daughter's remains.
"Now, now, you already defeated the Don. With cleverness and strategy. You don't need to exhaust yourself to kill his 100 daughters. You have proved that you can handle the vampire way.
"Who are you?" Integra asked.
"My name is Rip Van Winkle. Earlier today, I made Alucard into a vampire. You're welcome. I'm just a woman who has been on a century-long search for her place and purpose in this world. A rouge vampire. A neutral figure, who enjoys blowing up people 'good' or 'evil' judged by how boring I find them."
"Riiiiight... you sound very evil to me."
"I am exceptionally powerful. So I have seen this fight by hacking into the Hitler Revival Group's Overseer's database, looking up what fights have occured lately, got into the Mafiamight's battle, and sent a little ghostly image of myself to spy on you. Well done, but this is only the beginning. The dawn. And that is an accurate title. Because as the dawn is when the sun comes up, and the sun normally causes mortal pain to the vampiric kind. So your journey will begin with such scorching heat and light. But like they say, the first step is the hardest. As you eat more people and get more souls and blood, you will gain much more customization to your abilities.
"Speaking of that, I have absorbed 100 attractive women back there. So, using the mean of their forms, I can..."
She tossed away the umbrella, then closed her eyes, then after some energy things, her boobs grew a lot and so did her butt.
"Find a body type that encompasses all of their averages. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find a more fitting outfit for this far more fitting, filling form. This suit says Slenderman more than Ms. Fanservice, so it was appropriate back then. But not now. Alucard, I am done peeping on you and your organization. In fact, this could very well be the last time we will ever cross paths."
She ninja jumped away, but first she said, "PS: Slenderman is a member of an HRG. You should check that out sometime!"
Alucard, who BTW still had not regenerated his arm completely or his eye despite all the shape shifting, looked at the Integra. "I'm not sure what just happened. Am I supposed to kill her?"
Integra lowered her head and put a hand on it, but it's not exactly a facepalm. "I have no idea. I just want to get back to the Hecksing Apartment Room and get some rest." She lit a cigar. "It's been one hell of a day."
Back in the aprtment, Integra showed Alucard to the closet.
"I want to show you something?"
"IS IT A SKELETON MATEY?" Alucard joked. It's both a reference to the phrase "skeletons in the closet" and the creepypasta "AND THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT."
But in the closet was a pair of those freezer thingies from Futureama.
"This is our cryo station. You see Alucard, I was looking for someone to do a lot of the work for me. Walter and I have taken turns being frozen here so that we can cover a much greater range of time periods and maybe do some other time related things, and now that we have an unaging vampire on our crew, we can do that a lot more. This also explains why I'm 12 here and only 22 in 2011; I have been freezing myself several times in between."
Walter got into one chamber, set it to two years, and got in.
"He's not going to be frozen for that long, because he's set to be your partner for the missions you'll get in two years. Or rather, make. Happy Birthday, Alucard, you will be in charge of making the missions from here on out, and what HRGs we'll kill, until I'll unfreeze in ten years. SO DON'T FUCK IT UP."
"Ok."
"But first, let's make Hecksing Government-official. So that we can get paid for this, and eventually get better houses."
"Sounds sweet."
Closing AN:
So what I'm going for here is like a cross between HUC and HHC, much shorter (only 6 chapters split into two "seasons" of three each), and only trying to combine the aspects of them I liked while ridding the ones I hated. It has HHC's world building and far greater variety in enemies encountered (I said this in HUC's final AN, but I didn't like how that particular story boiled down to "The Millennium's up to something! Counter their attack, and take out 1-3 of their members!" With an "HRG of the Week" formula that has different goals and new gimmicks (though I wouldn't exactly say that the Millennium as a whole can be neatly placed in one gimmick), it should make for just a little more variety), but not its rather tedious romance n-drangles. As a bonus, there isn't going to be that many incest jokes either, if any at all. On HUC's side... it's basically what I just said about the elements it takes from HHC. Far more "action"-oriented and it lacks the idea of being so single-target focused. Oh, and it doesn't have Carl. I hate that guy in hindsight. (Spoilers for those who decide to read this chronologically) I hate that I kept him alive. (End spoilers?) It has nothing to do with how he's based on a meme and that's probably already a dead meme at that; it's more of how I played a Gary Stu painfully straight instead of giving them the whole "They become/are villains and die in a way that's painful enough to give catharsis for all the crap they've done to the story" that I have already started on a little. (More chronologic-spoilers) And most of all, I think I made the wrong move when I killed Alucard off in chapter four instead of him. (End spoilers)
On a lighter note, do expect a little more expansions to HUC's world like this, although more of them are probably going to be legit fics and not SBIG installments. It's just that... like I said, I didn't like how HUC felt like there should be some greater world, especially in chapters 9 onward, but isn't, so I wrote HHC to expand on that. Except, while it did flesh it out a little, it also in turn rose a lot of elements and concepts that I wouldn't actually mind exploring a little further. Especially when it comes to the crossover matchups, and their role in the story.
This is probably going to be the longest chapter, with maybe the the final one being the only thing that might serve as competition. Honestly, this is kind of like shoving two chapters into one, what with both Alucard joining Hecksing and the whole "defeat the Don" thing.
And yes, Rip is going to have a bit of power. And be over 600 years old. I like making canon fodder OP.