DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT...
A/N: THIS IS NOT MY FIRST FANFIC. I AM NOT GOOD AT WRITING HUMOUR STORIES BUT I TREID ON THIS ONE.
The 'Talk'
EMPOV
Yes! It's the perfect opportunity to go give Nessie the 'talk'.
Nessie is old enough for the 'talk'. She is at the stage where guys start to swoon over her, and want to get her in bed. So this is the perfect time if you see what I mean.
As soon as Edward and Bella left to go hunting I called Nessie down to the living room. "NESSIE! COME DOWN HERE I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!" I hope I didn't break anyone's eardrums yelling.
"Yes uncle Emmy," She responds in her cute little voice.
"Uncle Emmy needs to talk to you about sex." I answer without hesitation. I don't really care if I get in trouble by Bella and Edward. There daughter needs to know and to be careful with those guys out there.
I think I'm a better parent to Nessie than Edward and Bella. They still haven't given her the 'Talk'. I'm really disappointed in them.
"Uncle Emmy are you alive?" Nessie said pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Yes, why would you ask that?" I asked.
"Well…you kind of zoned out there for a moment." she answered.
"Oh. Okay. Well I was going to give you the 'Talk' but I think your parents wouldn't like it." I told her. I didn't really want to get straight to the point.
"What is the 'Talk' about?" she asked in her all to innocent voice that you can never say no to.
"Well the 'Talk' is manly about sex" I told her.
"What is sex?" OH. . I didn't know she didn't know what sex was. I was only planning on telling her to be careful around the perverts we have in town.
I'm panicking right now. Deep breathe IN then Out, IN, OUT.
OH. MY. GOSH. I can't believe I just thought that. EWWWWW!!
"Uncle Emmy quit zoning out on me!" she scolded me.
"Oh. I'm sorry Nessie." I apologized.
"If you don't want to tell me what sex is, I'll go ask Aunt Rose." she told me clearly annoyed. When I didn't respond she started walking away.
"No, Nessie come back!" I yelled after her.
"What is all this yelling about!?!" Rose said descending down the stairs.
"Um…Aunt Rosie what is sex?" Nessie asked my beloved wife.
"Who told you about that evil word?" Rose asked Nessie.
"I don't know what the word means so I came to you. And Uncle Emmett told me the word." she confessed.
"Typical Emmett.." Rose said to quietly for Nessie to hear.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked rose.
"Well…you shouldn't have told Nessie about sex." she scolded me. When Rose got mad she gets real mad. But she isn't mad yet.
"Nessie is at that stage now that there are guys out there wanting to get her in bed. I thought it was time to give her the 'Talk'. I really didn't prepare her to give her the sex talk too." I was really scared of when Rose would blow.
"EMMETT!! NESSIE IS ONLY 6!! SHE DOESN'T NEED THE 'TALK' NOW" she yelled.
"Auntie Rose you still haven't answered my question." Nessie told Rose.
"Well.. sex is when 2 people love each other very much and they get really intimate with each other." Rose explained.
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked in her all to innocent voice.
"That means that when a boy and a girl are in a private room with no one around they kiss and do other stuff like that."
At that Esme decided to make an appearance.
Esme opened up her arms for Nessie to jump into, Which she gladly did.
"Grandma Esme. Guess what, guess what?" Oh no, oh on, oh on. This is not happening to me. Please Nessie please don't tell her. I do not want to be yelled at.
"What?" Esme asked the little devil in her arms.
"Uncle Emmy just told me what sex is." Nessie replied happily.
"I bet you Emmett didn't tell you what it really is. Sex is when one animal gets together with another animal and kiss." she told Nessie.
"Sweet!! I now know two different kinds of sex." Nessie replies with a huge smile on her face.
Just then Edward and Bella walked into the house, and was met by a happy Nessie.
Me, Rose, and Esme all had horrified expressions on our faces when Nessie went to greet them.
"Mommy, Daddy. Guess what Uncle Emmett, Auntie Rosie and Grandma Esme taught me?" Nessie said happily, proud that she learned something new over the weekends.
"What sweetie?" Bella asks sweetly.
"They taught me two different kinds of sex." At the mention of their daughter knowing what sex is they got these angry looks on their faces. I even heard a growl from Eddie-boy over there.
"There is human sex , which is when a boy and a girl are in a private area all alone and they kiss and do other stuff really intimate. And there is animal sex. They just kiss and that's how they have sex."
"Hey, sweetie that's good to know you learned something today. But can you please go up and play with your toys, I have to talk to your Uncle Emmy, Auntie Rosie, and Grandma Esme, okay?" Bella asked. I have a very bad feeling about this. I just have to hope that Nessie does not leave.
"Okay, mommy. But can you tuck me in before I have to go to sleep, or after you are finnish talking to Uncle Emmy?" Nessie asked. NONONONONONO!! Nessie plese don't leave me. I'm going to be in big trouble. what if I just run? No that won't work, Edward is a really fast runner. You know what Emmett? I'll wait and see how this will all turn out.
"Yeah you better Emmett." Eddie said, abviously hearing my thoughts.
"Okay sweetie." Bella said ignoring us, and kissing Nessie on the check.
Once Nessie left, that's when all the yelling started to happen.
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