It had only been two weeks after Team Seven was officially disbanded when Kakashi was called into office again. The Fifth Hokage had assigned him some errands during these leisure days previously, but so far, his job had entailed nothing too serious. Kakashi wasn't sure if this had been some premonition to punishment – he had unceremoniously turned down an S-ranked mission after all – or if Lady Tsunade had given him an unofficial break.
He didn't dwell on it too much, and was grateful she had not assigned him on missions in which he'd have to work with a team, because he was sure he couldn't fully handle more accusing or pitying stares at the moment. Team Seven's demise had spread like wildfire after all, and he'd been receiving a lot of looks.
Anyhow, when one of the mission-birds tapped on his window just this morning, Kakashi took his time getting ready, because he was pretty sure this would be nothing serious anyways; after taking way too long to choose a shirt (they were all black or navy anyways, why was he having trouble deciding again?) and having given up on trying to tame his hair (he needed to cut it soon, he mused, looking at the strands that fell into his eye even when held up by his forehead-protector), he went to the memorial to tell Obito hello and goodbye at once (which then, as expected, caused him to stand in front of the dark stone murmuring soft genuine and half-hearted apologies for at least an hour).
Needless to say, when he arrived in Tsunade's office – entering through the window, thus causing several stacks of paper to be blown into disarray when a sudden gust of wind accompanied his arrival – he was late. Very, very late, as in: three hours and then some late.
Kakashi had to give it to Tsunade when she only threw her stamp at his head, she managed to retain a lot of her composure and grace as the days went by, notwithstanding the absolutely murderous look on her face, of course. At least she didn't go slamming unruly/rude/annoying/late subordinates through walls anymore.
Being Hokage had done wonders for the outlet of her violent nature, though Kakashi was sure she would never change too much. The shattered window, created by a stamp chucked at him like a projectile weapon, was all the proof he needed to verify his theory of Tsunade being an explosive, but capable leader. He smiled at himself for his logical and sound deduction.
"I'm sorry I'm late, Lady Hokage- " He began jovially, picking up some of the scattered papers, "-but there was this old lady baking bread, and she needed help kneading the dough, so I, being a helpful citizen, provided help. Of course, by the time we were done, I was covered in flour and whatnot, and I was sure you would appreciate it even less if I showed up dirty like that, so I went home to change, and by the time I was done picking my new shirt, I noticed I was late so…" He trailed off, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, when Tsunade angrily snatched the papers from his hand, almost tearing them as she did so.
She would've broken his wrist had it been subjected to such strength, Kakashi realized, and he chose his next words with more care, "…All right... No more excuses. My sincere apologies. What is it that requires me services today, Lady Tsunade?"
The fierce woman huffed and crossed her arms as if she was trying to restrain herself from bodily assaulting him. She laughed curtly, "You're an idiot, brat. What is it that gives you the right to barge in like this, three hours late, spouting out shit and disregarding formalities?" She was frustrated, angry, and her left eye was twitching. She was beautiful, but absolutely frightening in her contained rage.
Kakashi took a few steps back (to get out of range should his leader suddenly decide it would be a good idea to punch him into next week), straightened his back like the good little soldier he could be, and tilted his head, "Was that a trick question, Lady Hokage?" He knew very well he was pushing dangerous buttons today, but he just wasn't in the mood to be compliant for some reason. He hadn't been in an agreeable mood for a few weeks now, but that was not his problem. Perhaps that was the reason he wasn't assigned any teamed missions. Oh, well. He had had worse days. Mentally, he shrugged at this revelation; outwardly, he stayed perfectly still.
As expected, Tsunade glowered at him, "Exactly – you don't have the right to barge in like you just did." Kakashi tried not to flinch as a wave of barely hidden murderous intent washed over him.
The woman picked up another stamp to continue her paperwork while addressing him, but she crushed it without thinking, "I was going to make an important proposal to you, but now that you're finally here, you've ruined it all. I cannot possibly be civil with you when you're planning on being difficult." Well, at least she was honest with him, "I'll summon you again when I'm not having thoughts of breaking your nose. And. Don't. Be. Late." She took a deep breath through her nose, "Get out now, brat. Get out."
When Kakashi took a step towards the window in order to leave, she shouted, "Through the door, Hatake!" and he bolted out of the office. The door closed behind him with a slam. This meeting could've gone better, Kakashi decided, but he lazily walked towards the mission desk to pick up something to keep him occupied until Tsunade called for him again.
He wondered idly if he would be able to finish at least five D-ranks before Tsunade would see him, but he dismissed the thought immediately: it was too Gai-like for his liking, and he shuddered. (Besides, he wasn't in the mood for D-ranks; Team Seven was a failure that was a little too close to his heart at the moment and he did not need reminders of it). He sharply turned away from the mission room, and started wondering what to should with the time he was left to wait for the Hokage; he left the tower without checking in for a mission. No more D-ranks for him. Never D-ranks again.
Maybe he could give his hair an unexpected haircut? Maybe, maybe, maybe. He meandered home with his mind elsewhere, unaware that Tsunade was tracking his tiny form from high above in her office, sighing deeply until he was out of sight. She smiled to herself, "You'll like what I'll ask from you, Kakashi. I'm sure you will."
That evening, just before dinner, Kakashi was summoned again; this time an Anbu-agent sat on his windowsill instead of a fat sparrow. Whatever Tsunade wanted from him could wait a day, but was important enough for Anbu to be involved – Kakashi wasn't sure if he'd ever understand his leader (or any woman for that matter. Rin had been okay, Kushina had been a walking contradiction, and Sakura was close to being a walking, talking, sweet-looking, fire-breathing paradox…)
The grey-haired jounin looked a little forlorn at his fried rice before turning away. He ran a hand through his hair and wondered briefly if he'd cut it too short. Deciding it was just fine, he opened his window and he took off over the rooftops, not slowing down until he was at the Hokage-tower. The Anbu-agent followed behind like a shadow.
Shizune slid open the window and he entered lightly, hopping inside as if he owned the place. He greeted the dark-haired medic with a smile and a curt salute before he walked over to stand in front of Tsunade's desk. He slouched and buried his hands deep into his pockets, the epitome of laziness and everything a soldier should not be. The Anbu-agent who'd retrieved him went to guard the door once again.
Tsunade sat in her large chair, her hands folded, and Kakashi had to admit she looked rather intimidating and serious in the light of the setting sun behind her. The man smiled airily, "No longer having thoughts of breaking my nose, Lady Tsunade?" The blonde woman glared half-heartedly at him, "Shut up, Hatake."
He stood up straight, sensing Tsunade had not just called him to exchange pleasantries; he shifted into business-mode immediately, "What is it that you wanted to ask me?"
The Hokage exchanged a look with her assistant and told Shizune to hand her a scroll. Kakashi perked up: a mission perhaps?
"Listen, brat," Tsunade started, "I want you to consider what I'm about to offer you very carefully." She smiled at him, genuinely, with a hint of pride, "You're a good shinobi – one of the Village's best, I must admit – and seeing you're currently without a team to take car of-" That kind of hurt "-I wanted to offer you a new position. One that would make better use of your skills and talents. It would greatly benefit Konoha should you accept."
Kakashi blinked at her, was she giving him a choice in the matter or not? This started sounding an awful lot like a well-hidden order that was merely sugarcoated to sound like a proper request.
The Fifth continued, unrolling the scroll, "Actually, the position isn't new to you…" She bit her thumb, slammed her hand onto the scroll, and an object emerged on her desk, shrouded in smoke. The smoke dissipated and the object became visible. It was a mask: white, ivory, and moulded to look like a smiling, dog-like creature. An Anbu-mask. Kakashi's blood ran cold.
He knew that mask; it had been his four years ago – the Third Hokage had taken it from him, and he'd witnessed it being cast away by the wind. He had been released from service. And now Tsunade wanted him back in the Black Ops. Unconsciously, Kakashi stepped forwards to get a better look at the familiar attribute.
Tsunade smiled at him, obviously pleased with herself, and she held out the mask, aware of his attraction to it, "This will be yours again should you accept it." She placed a sheathed katana on her desk: a new one, most likely shiny when unsheathed, created for one purpose only - to kill. It would be his weapon, just like he would owned by Konoha once again.
Kakashi took the mask in his right hand. He ran his thumb over the familiar scratches, over the paint; he felt its familiar weight. He knew this mask. It was his. Always had been. It would be his again. The smooth porcelain underneath his fingertips felt cold. Kakashi swallowed, his throat felt dry.
"Hatake Kakashi, I am asking you to return to my direct services as Captain of Anbu. You will be assigned to Team Yue."
"I thought I had been released." Kakashi said emotionlessly, his eye never leaving the mask, "I thought the Third Hokage destroyed my mask years ago."
"One never really leaves Anbu." Shizune provided helpfully, her voice gentle. She had never been part of the Anbu, she did not know it. She folded her hands behind her back, smiling serenely with twinkling eyes. She, too, was proud of him, it seemed. The two women stared at him expectantly, but Kakashi could only look at his old mask. Its empty eyes stared right back at him, reflecting the part of him he had tried to suppress for so long. Behind Tsunade, the sun was setting, its light was dimming, and twilight was setting in.
Kakashi handed the porcelain object back to Tsunade. He was trying to keep his breathing steady, his hand trembled slightly as he let go of the mask; he was keeping his composure rather well he supposed, but this proposal had been, well, very unexpected, and it had shocked him slightly, "It's been four years. Just… four years."
The jounin kneeled in front of his leader, his back straight and his head held low, like a soldier reporting for duty, "Lady Tsunade, I-"
It was that moment Team Gai barged in, Jounin-teacher Gai first, Rock Lee second, and Hyuuga Neji and Tenten afterwards. The two males who were well endowed in the eyebrow-department shouted: "TEAM GAI IS REPORTING FOR DUTY, LADY TSUNADE!" It was as if they were trying to screech their lungs out of their bodies judging by the sheer loudness of their statement. Neji and Tenten covered their ears with their hands looking miserable with themselves, and Kakashi could already feel a nagging headache coming up.
Just great. Just what he needed at the moment.
Gai.
In much the same fashion Tsunade had thrown a stamp at the Copy-nin's head just this morning, she now threw one at Gai's head. The green-clad jounin avoided it with ease and smiled cheerily at her, oblivious to the fact that his head would've been ripped off his shoulders should the stamp have hit its mark, "Lady Tsunade! I can see you are as High Spirited as My Youthful Team! Your Violent Behaviour is Truly Astonishing, and is an Example to us all!"
He then turned to his team, "Team Gai, tomorrow We shall practice throwing Ordinary Objects so they can be Utilized as Lethal Weapons! Yosh!" (Only Lee seemed excited at the prospect. Even Tenten, who was on her way to become a master of projectiles, seemed less than amused by the idea. Neji just seemed outright done with the world).
Tsunade was absolutely livid, while the only sign of Shizune's rising frustration was only visible through her strained smile and the slight twitching of her left eyebrow.
Kakashi himself looked unfazed, and he managed to greet his rival, "Yo, Gai. Bad timing."
"Oh, My Eternal Rival," Gai addressed him, "I had not Noticed you! My Sincere Apologies! Were you in the middle of assigning an Adventurous Mission when We came to Report?"
"You can say that." Tsunade muttered darkly. She was eyeing a pencil, seemingly deciding whether to throw it or not. Kakashi knew from experience that pencils could leave rather stinging injuries, and he decided he did not need Gai's shrieks of pain right now. He cleared his throat and bowed his head again, "Can we get on with this, please?"
Gai noticed Tsunade's looks at the pencil, was grateful that Kakashi was trying to make sure he could leave unscathed, and then noticed the mask on her desk. He knew that mask. Immediately, his entire mood changed; where there had been excessive energy and dumb cheer, there now was seriousness and a sternness that seemed foreign on Gai.
The man seemed unhappy and his eyes had darkened considerably, "Anbu."
A whisper. The man was not pleased. Inwardly, Kakashi sighed – this was going to be a long, long night.
Gai turned on his heels to face his students, smiled a little unsurely, and said, "I'll do the report on my own! You may go home. Tomorrow, we'll meet up at 6:00 at the usual place. I wish you all Sweet Dreams!"
Knowing an order when he got one, Neji was the first to leave, but not without giving his teacher a suspicious look. Tenten followed suit, but Lee didn't just leave. His eyes flickered between Kakashi, who was still kneeling, and Gai in an almost comical way. Suddenly, the teen moved and hugged his role model, "Gai-sensei! I wish that you may have Sweet Dreams as well!" Gai returned the embrace heartily, touched to the point of crying by his student's actions in times of concern, "Lee!"
Shizune coughed, and the pair released each other. Finally, Lee left the room; the door was closed behind him quietly. Gai wiped his tears and when he turned to look at Kakashi, his face was shadowed, "Why?" He was still standing, his posture radiating tension and unease. Kakashi only drooped his shoulders in defeat. Tsunade gave them both a questioning look, "What is the reason for your meddling, Gai? You have not been called into office – even though it is true that you should be reporting in – and you are not to meddle in affairs like this – you're not even supposed to know what is going on. Yet you stand in front of this desk and question my reasoning, without being aware of what is happening?"
Gai seemed at loss for words and did not answer. Knowing the man was not going to leave before having gotten any kind of explanation, Shizune told him, "Anbu is none of your business."
Gritting his teeth, Gai kneeled next to his rival, but unlike the grey-haired man next to him, he looked his leader straight in the eyes, "You are reassigning him. To Anbu."
"Yes," Tsunade answered, annoyed, "And I do not see when this has become something I should discuss with you as well. You are dismissed, Gai."
He did not leave, "You're making a mistake. You cannot do this."
The blonde woman raised an eyebrow, angry but intrigued at the same time, "I can. Now, get out."
"You cannot ask this of him." Gai went on, ignoring the order, "He's served ten years already, and you cannot ask more from him."
Tsunade glared at him, and Gai flinched slightly, "Maito Gai, get out of this office, this is a direct order."
"The Third released him with reason!" The man just would not stop, "Lady Tsunade, please-"
"Get. Out." The Hokage stood up from her desk, preparing to throw him out herself. This situation was ridiculous!
"Gai." Kakashi said, and he made a point of not looking at his rival, "We'll… talk later." The Copy-nin could feel disappointment roll off Gai in waves, but at least the man finally left. All Kakashi could taste was bitterness. His old mask lay on Tsunade's desk, grinning up at the world, emotionlessly.
Tsunade eased back into her chair, "What was that about, Kakashi?"
Still not looking up, "Gai and the other jounin from my generation have always been opposed to my admission into Anbu, saying I was not suited for the job…"
Shizune frowned at that, "Your files state otherwise!" Tsunade shot her assistant a look for interrupting him. Suppressing the urge to chuckle at the exclamation, Kakashi smirked, "Well, according to my stats, I am capable of committing atrocious acts for Konoha."
Something dark stirred within Kakashi, and for the first time in two years, he allowed it to emerge in public, "Do you know what it is like, Shizune, to run your hand through someone's heart day after day? To plan murder every night? To know that you could kill with the flick of a wrist without as much as a thought? To cut throats of innocent, even those of former allies, when you've been ordered to leave no evidence of involvement?"
He knew he was leaking killing intent, but he did not care; he could smell blood and if he looked at his right hand he was sure he would see it there, dried and caked on his fingers, even under his gloves, "Because that is what Anbu does to people: it creates machines, perfectly honed blades, sharp and deadly. Killing without questioning. It creates the worst kind of people: useful, but inhumane. That's what it did to me."
He stopped talking. Shizune, who had been the target of his sudden gust of murderous intent, was leaning heavily against Tsunade's chair, gasping for breath. She had not expected his little outburst. The room was deadly silent. The Fifth Hokage did not reprimand him. He could feel Tsunade's eyes burn into his straightened back. He smiled to himself – they no longer felt pride for owning such a competent weapon such as him.
Good.
Slowly, he dimmed his killing intent and relaxed his muscles, "And to be honest, I hated what I'd become, what I will become again when I accept the position. I understand the concern of my comrades when it involves me and the Anbu – they've seen a part of me that wasn't pretty, and they do not wish for me to return again. Gai's reaction was to be expected, and I do not begrudge him for looking out for me. Also, there's my former genin-team, Team Seven. When we will meet again, they do not need a jounin-commander who's an absolute monster. They deserve more than that."
He inhaled sharply, "Therefore, I cannot accept the position of Anbu Captain out of free will, but if the Village asks me to return to the shadows, do I even have a choice?" Shizune chocked out a breath, on the verge of tears, Kakashi presumed. He looked up and smiled at his superior, "It's true what they say: you might leave Anbu, but Anbu never leaves you. Even if you want to."
Tsunade, obviously shaken by his speech, swallowed thickly and folded her hands on her desk. It was already dark outside. She locked eyes with him, a look of honest concern on her face, "My apologies for stirring up something you've been trying to keep at bay, Kakashi. I had no idea that when I read you'd been removed from Anbu, you had been willing to leave the force. Yet, it is true that Konoha is in dire need of more shinobi in the field..."
Kakashi braced himself for the order. His return to Anbu was inevitable. Being a jounin-teacher had been fun as long as it lasted, but apparently, it wasn't for him.
"I will not ask you to return to Anbu again. You've shown exceptional work outside the Hokage's personal squadrons as well, and keeping you as a regular jounin will suffice. You may stand. Thank you for your time."
Kakashi stood up, not quite believing what he was hearing. He nodded and shoved his hands deep into his pockets again, "Thank you for your understanding, Lady Tsunade." He looked at the dark-haired assistant behind the Fifth Hokage, "My apologies, Shizune. My anger should not have been directed at you. Did I scare you much?" He said it with just a hint of satisfaction in his voice. Shizune huffed, still a little shaken by the confrontation, "Bastard. You knew perfectly well what you were doing." Kakashi chuckled lightly, "Perhaps I did."
Shizune smiled slightly. Kakashi was eccentric, but at least he was in control of his actions, and she could appreciate that, even when she was the victim of his more unreasonable acts. Stupid jounin and their quirks.
"You are dismissed, Hatake Kakashi. I will summon you again tomorrow; a mission will be ready by then." The Fifth Hokage said tonelessly.
"Thank you, Lady Tsunade." Kakashi turned on his heels. He opened the door, threw a blinding smile over his shoulder, "See ya!" and left the room. Tsunade bit her lip when the door closed behind him. She could hear him converse with the Anbu-agent in front of the door just a few seconds before his steps faded away.
She slumped in her chair - she had miscalculated the situation completely; for a moment, she understood the Third Hokage's pain.
When Gai heard knocking on his door that night, he had not expected to see his Eternal Rival standing on his doorstep. Kakashi leaned against the doorframe, pale with exhaustion but sporting an obvious smile through his mask. He seemed emotionally fatigued – well, as much as Kakashi could seem to be emotionally fatigued – and Gai couldn't help but frown at his friend, aware of what had aspired in the Hokage's office this particular evening.
Before he could say anything, Kakashi spoke up. His eye was bright and the relief in his words was unmistakably, "I turned it down. I… I'm free."
And he was, "I'm really free." Anbu no longer had any hold over the man.
Gai let out a shout of joy and smacked him on the back. Kakashi laughed with him, the first carefree laugh in weeks escaped his lips, as Anbu became nothing but a faded nightmare in his mind.
(Team Seven really had been his saviour. He owed it to his students to not lose himself in darkness again. He had to be strong, for them, for his friends, for his comrades. And maybe, for himself, too.)