Monty Python and the Fountain of Youth: Pirates of the Caribbean
Disclaimer: I don't own Monty Python or Pirates.
Note: I don't know all of the pirates names, so I'll usually just name them after their distinguishing features, i.e. Woody (wooden eye) Yeller (yellow teeth). Cotton is the only guy I know.
Chapter I: Jack in the dinghy
Jack sailed his dingy closer to a galleon. He grabbed up the rope, tied one end into a circle, and tossed it. It didn't even come close to the rail. He rolled his eyes and knocked on the side of the ship.
"Oi!" A head looked out from behind the railing.
"May I come aboard, mate?" The man looked over Jack's Dinghy, and spotted the coconuts Jack had.
"Wanna trade the coconuts?"
"No." Jack said, holding them close.
"Then you can't."
"What if I trade you one coconut?"
"Where'd you get 'em?"
"Well, the sparrow travels south, you know what I mean?"
"Are ye sayin' that coconuts migrate?"
Jack raised an eyebrow, wondering how best to answer. "No. They could be carried, I guess."
"What? A five ounce bird can't lift a one-pound coconut, are you thick?"
"What? I don't care, you sod, let me on!"
"Listen! A sparrow has to flap his wings five times to keep up its own weight, right? Oi! Smith! Can a sparrow carry a coconut?
"Course!"
"Nun-huh, not a European swallow!"
"An African swallow could-"
"Oh, Yeah! An African swallow! Sure-"
"Just one problem. They don't migrate."
"Oh. Oi, where'd that swallow feller go?"
&&&
Less than an unladen swallow's flight away, and sickened by the stupidity of his crew, Barbossa (not to be confused with Barbasol, or Barbarossalas,) decided to educate his crew about witches.
"So boys, let's go over it again now. What will float, beside witches?" Barbossa said, one elbow on the table they'd set up on the poop deck."
"Uh…wood?" Woody said.
"Good!" Barbossa said. "And what is made of wood?"
"Bridges!" Yeller said.
"But can't ye make bridges out of stone?"
The crew gave a collective "Oh, yeah."
"Boats!"
"Good! And what floats besides wood and witches?"
"Uh…ice, no, no…" Barbossa closed his eyes in irritation.
"A duck!" called a certain pirate lord.
Barbossa opened his eyes. "Good! Who said that?"
The crew looked at each other. "Sounded like…jack."
"Boys, Jack is a monkey. He can't talk." (Always the voice of reason.)
"Captain Jack." Woody said, pointing towards the railing. Barbossa stood, dismayed and walked over and looked over the railing. "You!" He snarled, pointing. "You stole the bloody navigation charts, you half-arse-ed scoundrel!"
"Let me aboard and we'll negotiate, savvy?"
Barbossa paused considering. "Very well, ye hand over the charts and we'll talk." He said, holding out the hand.
"You think I'm some kinda dumb animal like that damn parrot?" Jack said.
"Ranh! Shoot him dead! Ranh!" Cotton's Parrot squalled. Barbossa looked at the parrot, then pulled his pistol.
"What'd the bird say!?" Jack cried, pulling his pistol. Then he noticed Barbossa aiming at him and tossed the charts overboard. Barbossa looked at Jack, shocked.
"You stupid idiot! Now the only way we can find the Fountain is the bloody compass!"
"Which I happen to have." Jack added, waving the compass around.
Hector looked to Woody. "Bring him aboard."
As soon as Jack was aboard, Barbossa and his crew surrounded him.
"I tell you what I'm gonna do, Jack. See I have the ship, and the men, to find the Fountain, and the smarts. So we be co-captains until we find the Fountain, and we share the plunder 60 to 40, with me getting the sixty."
"How's about fifty-fifty? And I'll buy you a hat." Barbossa stirred at the hat.
"Agreed." The shook hands, and Barbossa noticed Norrington's sword on Jack's belt. "And a trade of swords."
"Fine. I don't like fancy swords anyway. Too fancy."
And so, the Black Pearl, (and Jack's Dinghy, which had begun to leak, and before long was merely a small crow's nest above the water,) sailed towards its next destination.
Next: the Flying Dutchman and the Black Pirate! (And the return of the infamous Queen Elizabeth. The Pirate First.)