Looking Back.
XXXXXXXX
The freezing cold air brought the room temperature down by ten degrees as soon as Dean opened the door. Outside a whirling tempest of snow howled around the building.
The brothers had been cooped up for two days now, waiting for the storm to calm down; the hunt that had taken them into the freezing New Hampshire country-side, put to rest.
"Well at least my Baby's still alive and kicking even if she looks like a freaking four-wheeled snow-man," Dean complained as he fought to close the door; cursing when the salt line carefully laid across the doorstep was blown to smithereens by the snow and whirling wind that had entered with the elder Winchester.
X
No answer was forth-coming from his younger brother, but the flush of water from the adjacent bathroom pin-pointed Sam's exact position.
His brother had been moody these past few days, though that was in no way unusual for Sam who could have taken first prize in any 'Broodiest man Of The Year' contest, but now that he came to think on it, he had hardly spoken two words since they had finished the hunt
Dean's big brother radar started to pulse just like the EMF did when there was a ghost around.
He shrugged off his snow-spotted jacket and switched on the TV, flicking though the usual crap that all motels seemed to subscribe to, enjoying the heat in the stuffy warm room after having been nearly frozen to a Popsicle outside.
X
"She okay? " Sam enquired as he exited the bathroom.
"Yeah, no point in cleaning her off though, snow's still too heavy," Dean replied.
Sam moved to the table where his lap-top was set up and the room fell silent, interrupted only by the low volume of the TV.
X
An hour passed and not a word was spoken by Sam who, when he wasn't in brood mode, would either keep up a constant stream of information on boring tit-bits from the Occult sites he was surfing or come over and watch old movies with him.
There was a Jet-Li one on now which were among Sam's favourites, but all was mute on the Sam front.
Dean huffed, got up from the couch and pulled out a chair at the table, opposite his brother.
"Out with it Sam. If you turn your nose up at a Jet Li movie, I know there's something going on in that big brain of yours!" Dean stated.
Sam looked up at him with his, 'there nothing wrong with me expression' in his eyes, his lips pursed in surprise that Dean would even ask such a question.
"Don't give me that look, Sam. It doesn't fool me in the least. Come on, I'm your brother and that's what brothers are for, to have each other's back," Dean continued persuasively.
X
Sam shrugged his shoulders. "It's nothing, Dean. Don't worry. There's no Lucifer or Hell running around my noggin, at least not anything I can't deal with."
"Good to know," Dean replied. "So what then?"
"Nothing, being closed in here with the storm raging outside is just getting to me. I'd just like to see the sun for a while. No big!"
"Okay then. I'm in! This storm is set to blow over between tonight and tomorrow. We'll take a trip to warmer climes. How does California sound? We could maybe take a trip round the studios again. I wouldn't mind getting my teeth into those delicious Philly rolls we had the last time we were there, when I was a PA," Dean grinned, remembering their Hollywood hunt of a few years ago.
X
At the word California, Sam had reacted like a nervous pony, lowering his eyes to the laptop.
Dean was as quick as Sam when it came to putting clues together, especially those which concerned Sam. His brother had shied away at the mention of California.
California meant Palo Alto and Palo Alto meant Jessica. Today was the 30th October; in a few days it would be the anniversary of her death. Seven years ago nearly to the day.
His brother was suffering because he was remembering Jessica.
"Sammy. I kinda think I know what's bothering you," he said. "When the snow stops we could go visit Jessica Get you some closure." He hesitated, not quite sure how Sam would respond, but his brother simply answered with "I'd like that Dean, I'd like that a lot."
"Okay, it's settled then," Dean retorted, before going back to the TV, where after a few minutes Sam quietly joined him on the couch.
X
The next day the freak storm disappeared as abruptly as it had appeared, and after Dean paid his Baby the attention she deserved, getting rid of the coat of snow she had been wearing; the brothers began the long haul across the US to California, arriving early morning on the second of November.
X
Jess was buried in the cemetery of the small California town where she was born, and when the Impala pulled up at the entrance, it was deserted; too early for any family members to be around.
Dean turned to his brother who had been quiet the entire journey, most of the time spent asleep with his head lolling against the side-window.
"You wanna go in alone?" Dean asked, thinking maybe Sam wanted to pay his respects privately.
"No," he answered, to Dean's surprise. "I'd like you to come; that's if you want," he added hastily.
"Yeah, man. Come on."
X
The two men walked through the rows of graves until they reached Jess' plot.
The photo of the beautiful young girl she had been was the first thing to strike you as one stood at the grave side, then her young age, twenty-two years old. She would still have had her whole life before her.
"She would be alive except for me," Sam whispered as he knelt and touched his fingers to the image on the stone.
"The first time she spoke to me she was already doomed. How Brady must have been laughing as I let myself fall in love with her."
"Hey, you were only a kid yourself," Dean said as he placed a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder. "You couldn't have known what was going to happen, man. No-one knew that Azazel had targeted you from even before you were born"
Sam heavily exhaled the breath he was holding.
" You're wrong, Dean It's all my fault. I wanted something I couldn't have.
You know I think that's why Dad was so mad with me when I left for Stanford, not because he wouldn't have wanted me to go, but because he knew I was never going to be able to escape the hunting life and he was right. I was arrogant in thinking that I, Sam Winchester could do whatever I wanted and not pay the consequences; which I did.
I got Jess killed, whereas if I'd stayed with you and Dad, she would be having a good and happy life now, " Sam said dejectedly, tears beginning to well in his eyes.
"Stop it, Sam! Whatever choice you, I or Dad had made, we would always have had regrets of some kind.
Look at Dad, because of his carelessness on a one-night stand, Adam was born and the ghouls killed him and his mom for revenge. It's no different from you and Jessica.
Then what about me and Emma. If I hadn't been as careless as Dad, thinking the hot chick was dragging me off to bed 'cos of my pretty face, I wouldn't have been responsible for her birth and for you having to kill her.
Sammy, you wanted out of that life and I can't blame you. You just didn't know then that neither of us can escape what we are, little brother."
X
Sam nodded silently at his brother's wise words, the tears dripping down his cheeks onto the grassy covering of Jess' grave.
He heaved himself up to his full height and turned to his brother, the only one who could understand and share this life they had been condemned to.
"Thanks, Dean. You're always there for me. I love you, bro," he said as he pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.
Dean felt a jolt go through him.
He knew his brother loved him, but the words had never been spoken, except on one occasion when Sam was drugged up to the gills in a psych ward for having tried to kill a psychiatrist, and the kid had been completely out of it.
To hear him say it now filled his heart with joy.
"Me too Sammy," he whispered back as he tightened his arms around him
X
XXX The enD XXXX