Pure Peace
Chapter 1—Delilah
((Disclaimer: No, we don't own the PPC (that credit goes to Jay and Acacia), Middle-earth and the characters that belong to that fair land (Tolkien owns that) nor Delilah (not that we would want to). Caitlin and Sidh belong to us, as does Caitlin's incredible weapons collection.))
In the depths of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (PPC) headquarters, only a computer monitor lit a small room. The blue glow didn't show too much: just a bunk bed opposite the computer desk. The bottom bunk was occupied, but the occupier didn't move save to breathe once in a while and blink at the ceiling. The silence was rather comforting after the noise and hustle-bustle of killing Sues, and the silent agent was praying it would continue.
But alas, the Narrative Laws of Comedy wouldn't allow that. Just as the agent was starting to genuinely feel hope, a noise came from outside. A noise remarkably like the scrape of dragged bags.
"Damn it…" Sidh muttered as she tripped over her own bag and nearly fell down for the fifth time in row. With a loud sigh, she pushed the door open and peeked inside. "Anyone there?" she called, since the room was quite dark. "Hello?" She hoped she was by the right door.
"You either have a lot of bags or one big one." The voice was soft, as if the owner didn't use it much, and faintly Irish in accent. A slight motion indicated that the agent on the bottom bunk had sat up and was looking in the direction of the door. "Which is it?"
"Both…" Sidh replied, sighing quietly as she dragged her packs into the room. "Just to make sure, you're Caitlin, right?" she asked.
"Yes, I am Caitlin." A bedside light flicked on, revealing a young woman with dark brown hair. "And you must be the new agent the SO told me about last night. Rather short notice, but I cleared you a space for your things."
"Thanks," Sidh replied, dropping the bag that hung on her arm to the ground and reaching out her hand towards Caitlin. "Nice to meet you, I'm Sidh…"
An eyebrow flicked up as Caitlin took the offered hand and shook it carefully. "Who named you 'Peace'?" she inquired, releasing the hand and walking to the wall by the door.
"My parents," Sidh answered. "Had a strange idea of fun, I guess…" she added after a moment, arranging her bags on the floor beside her bed.
"A very strange idea." A faint clicking sound preceded the overhead light suddenly turning on, revealing the rest of the room and the slender agent who occupied it. The wall behind Caitlin, a slender young woman who stood like she owned everything she saw, was covered in weapons of all variety, ranging from swords and bows to lightsabers and blasters. "I'll give you fair warning now," the brown-haired agent continued, crossing her arms. "You're the sixth partner I've had in a year's time."
"Wow…why so many?" Sidh asked hesitantly, sitting down on the bed and watching the wall with interest. Caitlin made her feel slightly nervous.
Caitlin shrugged. "They couldn't handle my tendencies when I get angry. I'll understand if you put in for a change of partners after one mission. My last partner didn't manage a full mission before bailing."
"Really?" Sidh asked, surprised, trying not to ask, 'then what's wrong with you?' Instead she just looked at Caitlin. "Well, I guess we shall see what comes. Life's full of surprises, so you might get one too…" she answered.
"I doubt it. But it would be nice…" Whatever she was going to say next was cut off by an unearthly noise. Since a speaker was right next to where Caitlin was standing, she nearly jumped out of her skin.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!
Sidh jumped out of the bed, totally startled by the strange noise. "What's this…this… thing?" she asked in a shaking voice, trying to calm her breathing.
"That is the nicest description I have ever heard. And this…" Caitlin hit a button on the computer that made the noise stop, "…is the alert when a new Sue comes in." The dark-haired agent stopped for a second. "Did they give you any training when you joined?" she asked quietly, with the air of someone who was afraid of the inevitable answer.
Sidh laughed at the woman's question. "No, they didn't…they told me you were to train me so…" she paused, walking over to Caitlin and the computer. "So… does that mean there's a Mary Sue that's just appeared?" she asked, eager to learn something new.
"That's right," Caitlin replied, sighing inwardly. A rank newcomer. Lovely. She hit the 'Print' button and caught the pages as she read from the screen. "10th walker fic," she announced to the air. "Falls in love with Legolas…poor lad…and…" he voice trailed off as her light blue eyes went cold.
"And what?" Sidh asked curiously, trying to take a look at the pages over Caitlin's shoulder.
"Two things." Caitlin was practically snarling as she said, "Second daughter of Lord Elrond…and upstages him when it comes to healing." In her book, upstaging the Peredhil lord was worse than a sin. She dropped the printed pages with distain and walked to her wall of weapons. "Orcs, Uruk-hai, elves, dwarves, humans?" she asked over her shoulder.
"Oh dear…" Sidh said with a sigh. "How I hate people who don't know their place…" she muttered, but then realized that Caitlin asked her a question. "What?" she asked, not really understanding what the woman meant.
"Disguises. Most of this takes place in Rivendell, so we could be elves if that's what you wanted." Caitlin picked up an Uruk-hai bow and toyed with the string for a moment before putting it back on its hook.
Sidh laughed. "That'd be perfect… imagine being a female elf more beautiful than her… I bet she'll just burst into pieces…" she remarked.
That drew a startled laugh from Caitlin. "Well, theoretically, she is 'more beautiful than Luthien'," she remarked. "I really didn't think that was possible, and we cannot stretch canon any further than she's already stretched it. Female elves should be fine, though."
"Oh, of course," Sidh replied. "I just couldn't help but imagine the suffering she would go through…" she explained, looking at the wall with weapons. "So…should we have a weapon with us?" she asked, hoping that it was not a stupid question.
"Weapons would be a good idea." Caitlin had a light sword strapped to her side and was taking down a quiver full of arrows and a bow. "Pick anything that looks vaguely like it would belong in Middle-earth. If you break it, you get to find me an exact copy."
"Oh all right…" Sidh said, looking around, and then finally took a small elven-like dagger into her hand. It was nice, light and solid. "Would that do?" she asked.
"Well enough. We'll work on finding you a weapon of your own. Valar knows there should be some extra weapons in Rivendell." Caitlin's eyes gleamed as she picked up some pieces of equipment. "Bring an empty pack over here," she added. "Supplies are needful, though I suspect that this will be a quick job."
Sidh did as she was told, though she could not refrain from asking another question. She was so new at this that she wanted to know something more about her new job. And who better to ask than her partner. "Why do you think it'll be a quick job?" she asked.
"The fic itself is all of…" Caitlin looked. "Six pages. She doesn't cover anything after the Council in great detail, so we can take her after she joins the Fellowship. At best, a couple hours. At worse, a day. Do you have a portable music player of any variety?"
"Nope, I don't. I don't carry such things around… why?" Sidh asked absently, though her mind was excited about going to Middle-earth for a full day if they had luck.
"Oh dear…well, I have a splinter cable and two set of headphones." A waspish smile. "Courtesy of my partner two partners ago. We'll see if we can agree on music. Trust me, with the grammar and horrible descriptions, you're going to want to block it all out somehow." She held up the equipment she had grabbed. "I'm in Makes-Things' good graces, so I got the best tech stuff available. This is a Mary-Sue detector. It tells you if the inserted character is a Mary Sue or Marty Sam and how bad he or she is."
"Hmm…" Sidh muttered, trying to take all the new information in. "So, we're going to listen to the music on order not to go nuts…and this detector…" she paused. "Ok, so what do we do once we know the character is a Mary Sue or Marty Sam?" she asked curiously. "And…can a canon character be one of these too?"
"Actually, yes. We call those 'Possession Sues'. That calls for an exorcism. Luckily for us, we won't have to deal with those. As to what we do when we know…" Caitlin smiled as she played with her sword's hilt. "Well, that's where weapons come in handy. Come on. Talking about it doesn't have the same effect as seeing what a Sue does to a place." She reached over and played with some settings on her computer.
"All right," Sidh answered, grinning. She was eager to start learning things in reality, and not only in theory. "Caitlin, just before we go…you'll explain things to me as we go, won't you?" she asked a bit shyly. She hated to feel like she was ignorant, but she knew she was as far as her new job was concerned. Oh well, everyone had to start somehow…
"Sure, if you can stand my scathing sarcasm." Caitlin finished her fiddling and pushed a big red button with a bit of a flourish. A purplish doorway of light opened beside the computer desk as Caitlin picked up her pack and put it on. "Oh, by the way…you can call me Cait or Caitlin. Cat will get you killed painfully."
"All right, Cait," Sidh answered, looking at Caitlin. "And just try to remember, before you try to use your scathing sarcasm that you were new too," she added.
"Sure, five years ago. Things were less hectic then." But Caitlin couldn't help being impressed by Sidh. Most new agents were cowering by this point. Maybe this agent would last for the long haul. "C'mon." With that, she stepped through the portal.
Sidh nodded and followed Caitlin into the portal. She felt strongly tempted to ask what it was, but she guessed it was the gateway into Rivendell, or so she thought. Just in case their journey was unpleasant, Sidh shut her eyes tightly closed, trying to remember to ask her partner how it worked later on.
The trip was literally just a step long, though Caitlin took several more to avoid being run into by Sidh. She looked around with a smile. She had set the portal to take them to a place a mile out of Rivendell so she could break her partner into the beauty of Middle-earth early and avoid possibly being spotted by the Sue. The brunette looked down at herself and nodded in satisfaction. Aside from pointed ears and a certain lightness in her step, she didn't look much different as an elf.
"Wow… this is amazing…" Sidh said softly, looking around in awe as she finally dared to open her eyes again. "So beautiful…" she remarked, still oblivious as to the change that she and her partner had undergone. She did not feel any different at all, and that was why she did not notice anything at first.
"You're going to catch flies in your mouth," Caitlin remarked, but there was no rancor to her tone. Middle-earth's beauty always blew her away, no matter how often she had seen it. She leaned on her bow and looked down at the Last Homely House.
Sidh closed her mouth automatically, looking at Caitlin. "So… where are we now?" she asked, following her partner's gaze. "Is that Rivendell?" she asked curiously.
"That is indeed Rivendell. We're about a mile out. I can portal us closer; I just wanted to give you the chance to become acclimated to beauty when there's no chance of it being spoiled by a brat Sue." Caitlin muttered something in a lyrical language that nonetheless contrived to sound dirty.
"Oh thank you," Sidh answered, looking at Caitlin gratefully. "I really love this place…" she said after a moment. "So, should we walk or portal to Rivendell?" she asked when she realized with a heavy sigh that they had work to do.
Caitlin looked at the sun, shading her eyes. "Portal," she decided. "Brat Sue's about to enter Rivendell, and I don't want to miss a chance to get charges." She muttered something about 'stupid charge list' as she pulled a handheld device and fiddled with the settings.
"Okay," Sidh answered, feeling a little bit disappointed. "What's the charge list?" she asked after a moment.
"In order to kill the Sue, we have to present her with a list of her violations against canon. It's known best as a charge list in PPC slang." Caitlin hit a last button before taking out a pocket notebook and handing it to Sidh. "Take a look, if you can read my handwriting."
Sidh took the notebook and squinted her eyes to see if she could decipher Caitlin's handwriting. "I think…I can…a bit…" she said softly, looking up at her partner.
"My charge lists over the last year. I've worn out more notebooks than I can count with these Sues. I'll do my best to write clearer so you can see what goes into a charge list." Caitlin took her notebook back and stepped through the portal.
"Thanks, it'll be much appreciated," Sidh said and followed Caitlin into the portal. Soon they would be in Rivendell, and the young woman could not help but feel very excited about it. Firstly, because it would be her first visit in the famous Imladris. Secondly, their job would start…
The moment they stepped out of the portal, Caitlin grabbed Sidh's arm and tugged her behind a pillar as fast as she could. Elven reflexes were a thing to be blessed, she decided as she cautiously peeked around the pillar. A young woman was talking to Lord Elrond. She had silver and black hair and storm colored eyes. "What color is a storm?" Caitlin whispered.
"Dark blue?" Sidh guessed as she watched the scene curiously from behind the pillar. She was surprised to discover that she could move as fast as an elf would.
"Bet she meant grey. I hate metaphorical descriptions that don't include a color…" Caitlin scribbled something in her notebook as Elrond said, "Daughter, we'll have a feast to celebrate your trip here and in honor of your mother. She was a beautiful woman."
"What, no proper period of mourning for the 'cornish lover?" Caitlin murmured rebelliously. She smiled as she looked at Elrond. The elf lord seemed to be gritting his teeth over something. "Remind me to talk to him later," she murmured.
"Sure," Sidh answered, watching the scene in front of her eyes. "Honestly…this… well…" she paused, not sure how to form her thoughts in a way that would be comprehensible to others and not offensive. "Well, never mind…"
"Trust me, I understand." Caitlin looked around before slipping out from their hiding place and aiming for a room that housed a comatose hobbit. "She'll be up here soon," she whispered to her partner. "Act like a normal elf and we'll be able to watch from a front-row seat." Aragorn's head came up slightly and he looked around suspiciously. The Sue hadn't muddled his instincts yet…
Sidh inclined her head slightly towards the man, thinking that was just what an elf would do, and then followed her partner, curious to see the scene with her very own eyes, hoping that she would be able to just sit in silence and watch. "So… what do we do here?" she asked softly. "Watch the scene to write down the charges?" she asked in a soft whisper.
"Exactly right." Caitlin tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and handed it to Sidh with a pen. "Don't worry; the canon characters can't see us unless we make ourselves felt or Bint Sue points us out, and she has no reason to this time. See if you can pick the charges out."
"All right," Sidh answered, feeling very excited. It was her first real task to do and she hoped she would be able to do it as best as she could. "And what if she pointed to us? What then?" Sidh asked. "What if they all saw us?"
"Then we'll make an excuse to be here. Bet this Sue thinks elves have servants; we can use that as an excuse." Caitlin smiled. "Besides, Elrond knows me, when his mind isn't Sue-muddled. We'll be fine." Just then, the door opened to admit Elrond and the Sue.
"Oh really?" Sidh asked, clearly impressed by that piece of information, but then she decided it was time to shut up and watch the scene so that she could take good notes.
The Sue, who was named Delilah ("Delilah?" Caitlin muttered, writing something furiously. "Who names a kid after a biblical slut?"), knelt beside Frodo's limp form and began chanting in an odd language. Aragorn asked, "Who is she?" which was a perfectly reasonable question, to Caitlin's mind.
"Wow…" Sidh murmured, watching the hobbit's sudden change of condition. "Wow… she surpasses even Elrond in the healing speed and abilities… and here I thought Elrond was the best healer in Middle Earth…" she muttered, writing a few things down.
"He is." Caitlin's voice was tight as she watched Aragorn admire the Sue. "And even he would be exhausted after locking his will against Morgul poison. That goes on the charge list for cert."
"Yeah…" Sidh nodded. "Along with the way she makes Aragorn feel… why do all the Sues always make everyone love them? It makes me feel sick…"
"We're lucky; at least one member of the Fellowship is described as not liking her. Boromir or Gimli are always good fallbacks if everything else goes wrong." Caitlin capped her pen as the Sue closed the door. "We've got a few hours before the feast. I'll make sure of it. Want to explore?"
"Of course!" Sidh exclaimed, feeling very excited. "I'd love to see this place so much…" she added, looking at Caitlin. "Can we explore?"
Caitlin reached into her pack and pulled out a small gizmo. After toying with a few knobs, she nodded. "Three hours before nightfall," she said, pocketing the gizmo. "That time's ours. I could show you around, or you could explore on your own. Up to you."
"Show me around?" Sidh asked hopefully. She was not feeling confident enough yet to be left on her own in Rivendell. She was still not sure how to act around elves if she bumped into any.
"Certainly." The experienced PPC agent took a camera out and spun it on her finger with a grin. "Want any pictures of anyone in particular?" she inquired. "I'll be hunting up the twins for a photo-op."
"No…no need…" Sidh muttered. "I think I'll just look, it's my first time in the end…" she said softly.
"All right, suit yourself." Caitlin pocketed the camera and headed out, her partner in tow. Rivendell practically defined the word 'beauty' as far as she was concerned, and she had pictures of it in all seasons. And since the Sue hadn't described the place at all, it naturally reverted to what it would have been the day before the Council. That made the agent happy.
Sidh found it very hard to keep up with Caitlin, because often she found something she wanted to take a good look at, only to realize that her partner was already somewhere else. "Wait…" Sidh asked finally. "I'd like to see that place, not rush through it…"
Caitlin grinned before turning around. Good, this new partner wasn't afraid to speak up for herself. That boded well. "As you wish, my lady," she said, bowing slightly with a straight face.
"Thank you, my lady," Sidh replied in the exactly same manner, and then began to look around again, assured that this time she did not have to hurry.
Caitlin found a perch and watched the general traffic as Sidh explored a small area. Everyone was getting ready for a feast later. She used that to nick some food from a passing elf; she hadn't eaten yet that day.
"What are you doing?" Sidh asked as she finally remembered that she was not alone. "Hungry?" she asked.
"Mm," Caitlin murmured, nodding. "Want some?" It was generic food, as the Sue had mentioned a feast, but not what kinds of food were there. It was pretty good; better than what Caitlin ate most of the time.
"Sure, I've never eaten elven food before," Sidh replied, settling herself down beside her new partner. "So…we'll be present at the feast? Council? And then?" she asked curiously.
"Feast and council. I'm thinking we can charge her there. Boromir will help us, as will Elrond. I don't think men of Gondor enjoy being portrayed as misogynistic bastards." Caitlin ate another bite.
"Elrond will help us?" Sidh asked surprised. "But I was under the impression that he'd rather liked his new daughter…" she said, looking at Caitlin.
"He's a very good actor. Think about it: in this story, he's been turned into an adulterous elf who performed the act of bestiality at least once to impregnate a unicorn." Caitlin made a face. "That's wrong on too many levels. Besides, he has Vilya. Vilya helps keep his mind somewhat free of the Sue influence."
Sidh frowned on hearing the description. "Yes, that's true… this was really repulsive, especially since he really loves his wife so much…" she said, looking at Caitlin. "So that is why you wanted to talk to him?"
"Partly. I want to get a read on how badly the Sue is affecting his mind. I could be completely off base on how well he'll help us; I haven't seen a Sue this blatant in a while." Caitlin frowned thoughtfully. "Makes me wonder what the SO is up to."
"What the SO is up to?" Sidh asked, not really understanding what her partner meant.
"The Sunflower Official. He's the one who makes all the assignments…I wonder if he assigned this Sue as a way to train you." Caitlin tapped her fingers against her leg in thought. "He didn't need to assign something so repulsive, though."
"Oh…so you mean that other new agents get easier tasks first?" Sidh inquired, feeling very curious.
A thin smile crossed Caitlin's face. "I didn't. My first assignment was an Aragorn/Legolas/Boromir slash/rape fic. I was over in Bad Slash first before I got transferred for trying to maul Maedhros and Fingon."
"Oh but that's awful…" Sidh said, wincing sympathetically. "I wonder why they're doing that, I mean, why do they give such tasks to beginners…" she remarked thoughtfully.
"I think the philosophy is that if the agent is scarred on the first assignment, then there's less likelihood of said agent going bonkers later." Caitlin looked at the setting sun. "We'd probably better head for the feast hall. There will be a lot of OOCness there; brace yourself." She pulled a gizmo out of her pocket and pushed a button.
"Hmm…this didn't really scar me," Sidh muttered. "At least, not yet…" she added, looking at Caitlin. "All right, let's go…" she said. "In the end I heard that feasts are really wonderful in Rivendell, though I'm afraid this won't be an usual feast, will it?"
"Unfortunately, no. We'll have to see about getting special permission to return during a Midwinter's feast. Those are worth seeing at least once in an agent's life." Caitlin hopped down and led the way toward the dining hall.
"Oh, I'd really love to see that," Sidh said excitedly as she followed Caitlin towards the dining hall. "Look how many elves are going to attend…" she said, clearly impressed.
"Lucky for us. We'll be able to blend into the faces." Caitlin paused as she saw Legolas. "Sue will be here in a bit," she added. "Let's wait here for a bit." She gently pulled Sidh into the shadow of an arbor to wait for the Sue.
"All right," Sidh said. "Is this that part where Legolas first sees her?" she asked, wondering if she remembered the place well enough.
"Got it in one," Caitlin said grimly as she saw the Sue coming. "You know, I like Legolas too, but why does everyone assume he's the cutest elf in Middle-earth? He doesn't hold a candle to the double eye-candy of the Peredhil twins, and Glorfindel's hair is prettier."
"I guess it's because he's a prince, and well, you don't see much of Glorfindel or the twins much on the screen, do you?" Sidh asked, smiling sadly. "Now Legolas…you know how much of Legolas there is…"
"We never get to see the twins onscreen, thanks to Peter Jackson's decision to cut them completely. Glorfindel, maybe once or twice." Caitlin sighed as Delilah began talking to Legolas.
"Then you've got your answer," Sidh replied, straining her ears to hear some of the talk, trying to notice things that she could write down on her list and she grinned as the conversation reached the Luthien part. "Oh yes, that's exactly what I needed…"
"Honestly…how can someone who's half a creature that doesn't even belong in this world match the beauty of a half-elf half-Maia?" Caitlin followed the pair into the dining hall and sat down in an inconspicuous corner.
"Because she's out of this world, and therefore outmatches anything that can be found here?" she asked with a bitter grin on her face. "Or maybe she thinks being half unicorn makes her magic?" she added.
"Bitter sarcasm, noted," Caitlin chuckled. "Already being scarred, I see." She propped her feet up comfortably and listened as Arwen said in what was probably supposed to be a stage whisper, "I don't understand what's so special about her." Jealous, OOC Arwen, noted…
Sidh nodded grimly and then watched as Elrond introduced his daughter to all present and could not stop herself from rolling her eyes. She felt like she was going to be sick while her hands was rushing through the lines, making notes.
The dinner continued for a brief time after the jealous outbreak (in which time the hungry agents were able to nick a bit more food), then the company adjourned into what was called the 'music hall'. Caitlin assumed this was the Hall of Fire, but as it wasn't called by its proper name, the room looked more like a theatre.
Sidh followed Caitlin, and could not stop but wince slightly. "Wonder why everyone loves a Sue singing…can you tell me? Does that have something to do with the unicorn part?" she asked quietly.
"Close. Actually, that's one of the most telling traits of a Sue; she can sing like an angel and learn any weapon/instrument/skill that she wants within a matter of a few moments. But why 'May It Be'? Do they have something against Enya that they have to rip her songs?" Caitlin sighed as she slumped in a chair and waited for it to be over.
"Maybe in their twisted minds it's actually a way of showing her the respect they think she deserves?" Sidh asked, raising her eyebrow slightly at the tears falling from everyone's eyes. But not hers. Her eyes refused to even well up with tears, and her face remained unmoved as she made some more notes.
"What a horrible way to show respect." Caitlin crossed her eyes as Arwen hugged her 'sister'. As everyone trooped out, the older agent rose as well. "And we're clear for the rest of the night," she added. "Want to camp outside of Rivendell or find a room here?"
"Want to find a room here," Sidh replied, trying to stifle a yawn. "I guess I got a little tired without even noticing that I did."
"The Sue's voice tends to have a hypnotic affect on even the strongest minds," Caitlin informed her partner, leading the way toward an empty room that was off the beaten track. "I'm quite tired myself." She plumped down on one of the two twin beds.
"Mind if I go to sleep?" Sidh asked softly, looking at her partner.
"Not a bit. Sleep well." Caitlin stretched out on her chosen bed and looked up at the ceiling. With the Sue's influence elsewhere, the pace that was Rivendell permeated every pore of her being. She loved Rivendell, loved every moment she could be in Middle-earth. A grim smile tugged her lips; she particularly liked killing off Sues.
It took only a few minutes for Sidh to undress to her underwear and then wrap herself in the blanket. The next moment she was already asleep. She had never gotten a chance of getting some rest after the journey to her new place, and so, she was quite tired by now.
The next morning dawned bright and clear. Caitlin woke with the sun, used to waking early. That didn't mean she liked it, but it was what her body did now after five years of chasing Sues. She sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing a whetstone over and over her sword's blade.
Sidh was still asleep, and it seemed that even if the said Mary Sue would be running around her bed yelling, she would probably not be able to wake her up at all.
Caitlin's light blue eyes flicked over to her sleeping partner and a slight smile tugged on her lips. So far, so good. She hadn't run away screaming about pink tutus and Sir Robin, which was a very good sign. But how would she handle the killing part?
"Mm…" Sidh muttered, turning onto her back, and trying to pull more of the blanket over herself, not aware that she was blocking it with her left leg.
The older agent laughed softly as she pulled the blanket up for her partner, covering her better. "There you go," she murmured, settling back to her sharpening.
Sidh smiled slightly, muttering something in her sleep, and went on sleeping undisturbed ever since.
Caitlin continued sharpening until the sun was at the nine o'clock position. Then she stood with a sigh, sheathing her sword with a thud, and shook Sidh. "Time to head for the council," she called softly.
"Council? What council?" Sidh asked, trying to stifle a yawn with her hand and failing.
"The Council of Elrond. The part where we get to kill the Sue. Come on, you can't have forgotten…" The young woman was practically bouncing with excitement.
"Ohh!" Sidh exclaimed, sitting up abruptly. "Of course I remember about it! When does it start?" she asked, looking around for her clothes.
"In about an hour." Caitlin tossed Sidh her clothes and picked her quiver up from its place against her bed. "Enough time to grab something to eat and make ourselves look somewhat presentable."
"All right, point taken, I'm almost ready?" Sidh said, trying to get dressed as fast as she could. "We can't be late, and I'm so hungry…"
"Don't worry; I know a shortcut from here to the council circle and I have rations in my pack. Remind me to show you the way to the cafeteria when we get back to HQ." Caitlin combed her hair and pulled a hood up to cover it.
"Oh, I sure will, thanks," Sidh said, and then readjusted her clothes, straightening them here and there to make herself look more presentable. "All right, I'm ready," she said, smiling slightly.
"Lovely as two fresh pins," Caitlin laughed as she led the way out of the small room, tossing her partner a ration set. "Keep the wrappings close by; we can't leave non-canonical items around."
"Of course, no need to drop litter all over the place, I hate people who do that," Sidh remarked, feeling even more hungry as the food found itself in her hands.
"I see I needn't worry about you. My first partner used to do that." Caitlin opened her ration set and began eating contentedly as she led the way toward the council ring.
"That's too bad," Sidh replied, beginning to eat as well, while watching around curiously and trying to relax before the council she knew that was going to be difficult.
"Lucky for us," Caitlin said out of the corner of her mouth as she settled into a seat in the council ring, "the council is incredibly condensed, even by movie standards. She cut all but the most important lines and mangled some of them pretty badly." Sticking a piece of bread in her mouth, Caitlin pulled out a gizmo and placed it on her knee as the council ring began to fill.
"You know, maybe it's even better this way," Sidh said softly, looking at Caitlin. "I mean, it'll pass faster this way. Imagine, would you really be able to stand the whole council, in the book mode, with her telling about everything?" she asked softly in a whisper, as if not to give idea to any other potential Mary Sue.
Caitlin winced. "Don't make me remember the five fics I've had like that. One of them had the Sue taking every important line from every important character and snoozing during the rest." She pointed the gizmo on her knee at Legolas as he entered the ring—though stumbled would be a better description for how he moved.
Legolas Greenleaf. Canon Character. 78.75 OUT OF CHARACTER, CHARACTER RUPTURE! As Caitlin watched, the device began smoking. She quickly turned it away from the hapless prince.
"Aww… I feel so sorry for him," Sidh said softly, fighting the urge to get up and help the poor prince to sit down and take his place securely. "'Tis really so annoying…" she muttered instead, watching everyone but the Sue, afraid that she might burn her with her glare alone, and that would take all the fun for Caitlin. Besides, they still did not have the complete list of charges.
After some shuffling about, the Council began. Caitlin had to resist the urge to poke her fingers in her ears as Delilah, sitting in Aragorn's place, said, "You can't control it, no one can. The ring only answers to Sauron, it has no other master."
"Line theft…" she murmured, then added, 'Making Boromir a racist bastard' when he demanded, "What would a mere unicorn know about such matters?"
Sidh just rolled her eyes, trying not to focus too much on the entire scene, seriously afraid that it could drive her mad before it had a chance to finish. She was still making notes though, dutifully, as not to fail in her first task ever. "Oh dear…" she would sigh from time to time whenever the Sue was getting insufferable.
At last, Elrond said the words that Caitlin had been waiting for: "10 companions. Very well, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." She rose gracefully, drawing her sword. "Excuse me, my lord," she said politely, bowing properly to the elf lord, "but I have business with Delilah PaleMoon."
Sidh stood up as well, following her partner's example. All the characters seemed to be stunned on seeing them, looking as if they had not noticed them before at all. Even Elrond and the Sue were surprised, though it seemed that the Sue decided that two she-elves were no danger to her at all.
Elrond recovered fast and inclined his head in acknowledgement. "State your business, my ladies," he said, his voice a bit overly grave.
"We shall, my lord." Caitlin took Delilah's hand and drew her a little closer to the chairs where the two agents had been sitting. "Delilah PaleMoon, you are hereby charged before these witnesses of," Caitlin took a deep breath, "Being a member of a species that Tolkien did not permit in his writing, being more beautiful than Lúthien—that's spelled with a accent on the 'u', by the way—screwing with the minds of…well, everyone, but most notably Lord Elrond, Legolas and Aragorn. Creating a place that is found on no map of Middle-earth for the sole purpose of making yourself special and noble. Being a healer that is more powerful than Lord Elrond, having a name that is improbable at best in Middle-earth, making Boromir a racist bastard, giving yourself powers that only either twins or lords and ladies with rings of power have: telepathy, misspelling Mordor—that's M-O-R-D-O-R—being a second daughter of Elrond and, most notably, for being one of the most blatant Mary Sues I've seen in a long time, you are condemned to die." She glanced around the council ring. Legolas looked like his fingers were fighting what was left of his poor brain, Aragorn had his hand on his sword, and Gimli…Gimli was laughing behind his hand. "Have you anything to add, Sidh?" she asked, looking at her partner only briefly so the 'cornish girl wouldn't run.
Sidh considered the list, realizing that almost everything had been covered. "I'd just add—endangering the lives of the certain members of the fellowship by making them act in a way they never would, the near stabbing of Frodo by Aragorn staring at her being the example…" she said in a half confident voice, but straightened slightly when she noticed that everyone was looking at her. "Oh dear…" she muttered and looked at Legolas and Aragorn to see how they were managing.
"Any last words, Delilah?" Caitlin had to stifle a chuckle at that name. "Dear Valar, who would name their child after a slut?" she had to ask.
Delilah still did not say anything. Her wonderful talents and powers seemed to have vanished suddenly, leaving the girl, no longer so powerful and wonderful, standing on front of the two agents. "Poor creature," Sidh muttered. "I think that of all the people, she harmed herself most…"
"Don't start feeling sorry for her," Caitlin warned. "That will cripple you." She gripped the Sue by the arm and drew her out of the council ring, unwilling to scar the young hobbits just yet. Once out of the sight of the hobbits, she placed her sword against the perfect white neck. "Sidh, you want the honors, or shall I?"
"Go ahead and do the honors," Sidh replied, feeling a bit sick at the thought of killing of that poor creature that looked like she was going to break down in tears any minute now.
Caitlin nodded and slit Delilah's throat. Just in time too; Legolas was coming to defend his love with all haste, no matter what Lord Elrond said. Just as he reached them, Delilah gasped her last and fell from Caitlin's grip into Legolas' arms.
Sidh turned around, feeling sick. Was that a natural reaction or was just too soft for an agent? She wondered if the body of his beloved would have the power of bringing Legolas back to his senses, since Sidh she was not sure if she could handle the mourning elf right now. "Cait?" she asked weakly, still not turning round. "Does killing of a Sue return the place and people to their normal selves?" she asked hopefully.
"It does." Cait cleaned her blade and resheathed it, her face set in the expression of someone who had killed many times in the course of her job and would do so many times more. "The place wasn't badly affected this time, but the people…" she looked at Legolas as the elf stared at the limp body in his arms, his expression a cross between disgust and horror. At the same moment, pandemonium broke out in the council ring. Cait stepped forward and took Delilah's lifeless body from Legolas. "That's it," she said quietly. "Let's dispose of the remains."
Sidh breathed a loud sigh of relief when she realized that everything was back the way it should be and noticed Aragorn talking to Legolas, who slowly was coming out of his shock. "What will we do with it?" she asked Caitlin, pointing to the body. "I heard there are so many ways…"
"There are indeed." The knife-thin smile appeared briefly as Caitlin deftly juggled the body and the portal device. "Would you like to see it drowned, eaten, dropped?" She glanced at Legolas and Aragorn and bowed to them briefly before turning back to her partner.
"Well…" Sidh considered the options. "I don't think dropped would be a good idea… drowned…that'd pollute a lake or a river…maybe eaten? But by what?" she asked. "Orcs? Wargs?"
"Plenty of those around. Ooh, idea: we go to Orthanc and feed it to the Uruk-hai. Maybe they'll be poisoned by Sue meat. Two birds, one stone."
Sidh laughed. "All right, sounds like a perfect plan to me, let's go," she said, looking at her partner with a grin.
"That's better." Caitlin winked at her partner before tapping a few buttons on the portal device. The last one opened the purple doorway, and Caitlin stepped through with the warning, "Plug your nose. It always reeks here now."
Sidh wanted to make a comment, but before she managed, she forced her hand to cover her nose and her mouth. She could hardly breathe the smell was so awful. By now the new agent regretted she had not asked for the body to be drowned.
The older agent made short work of the job, slicing Delilah's arms and legs off with surgical precision before tossing the body into the orc pit and opening a new portal. She waved Sidh through first and jumped after her gratefully.
"Oh…" Sidh muttered, taking a deep breath. "Next time I have a stupid idea just tell me, will you?" she asked Caitlin.
"But you learn so much more when I don't point it out!" Caitlin's grin was slightly malicious as she dug out a new uniform shirt and changed quickly—the Sue's blood had gotten all over the other one. "So, what did you think? Ready to run yet?"
"Yes, I think I am," Sidh replied, smiling slightly. "And you know what, this was fun," she added suddenly.
"Fun?" Caitlin's eyebrows rose a bit as she hung her sword, bow and quiver where they belonged. "Aw, bugger, we forgot to get you a weapon of your own. How was it fun?"
"Well… I managed to see Rivendell, and saw the world back to normal after the Sue's been removed… isn't that enough fun?" she asked absently.
"All right, I'll give you that. And seeing the results is always worth the headaches on the way, I'll admit." Caitlin braided her hair back out of her way. "Care to go on the tour with me? Our cafeteria isn't half bad, and it'll do you good to meet the rest of the agents."
"Sure, let me just get changed, all right?" Sidh asked, moving over to her bed and opening one of the many bags she had, looking for something to wear.
"I hope there'll be enough room for all your things," Caitlin frowned as she took her CAD out of her bag and began running the normal diagnoses on it to clean out whatever Legolas' OOCness had done to it.
"Eh…I think so…" Sidh replied, frowning slightly. "I always manage to push them in somewhere." she added, changing her clothes. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Staying on Makes-Things' good side," Caitlin replied absently, finishing the tests and fixing the small errors. "He hates it when agents go through four or five CADs every year. I'm still on my first one of the year."
"Oh…" Sidh replied, smiling. "Then 'm sure he's pleased with you… shall we get going?" she asked after a moment, looking excited about going to the cafeteria.
"We shall indeed, partner." Caitlin stashed her equipment away and picked her way through the stacks of bags to the door. "One thing you must keep in mind: stay distracted as we go. That's the only way to get anywhere fast."
"Stay distracted?" Sidh asked surprised. "How staying distracted can help us to get anywhere faster? I thought that it was staying focused that would do that…" she said.
"You'd think so, wouldn't you? Not true here. Here, getting lost is the fastest way to wherever you're going. Someone screwed up badly in the designing stage." Caitlin walked briskly.
"Oh, I see…" Sidh replied, following Caitlin, and trying to remember where they were going so that she could find her way back if she needed to.
"You're thinking too hard. Stop thinking about paths and just let your mind wander," Caitlin ordered, glancing over her shoulder at the new agent.
"But how can I?" Sidh asked. "I don't know this place yet, and so, I'll get lost as soon as I make a step. I'd like to know which way my bed is…"
Caitlin stopped and gripped Sidh's shoulders. "Trust me on this," she said quietly. "The moment you're truly lost is the moment you round the corner and find the place you are seeking. When you're tired, you'll find your way back to your bed. It's the top bunk, by the way."
"Oh, all right…" Sidh said, looking at Caitlin. The girl seemed to be positively sure of what she said. "All right then…" she smiled. "I'll try to stay as distracted as I only can, I promise. And the top bunk sounds good enough…"
"Good." The two partners walked side-by-side down the halls as Caitlin distracted Sidh with stories of things she had seen in her five years working at the PPC. Some were hysterical (like the time the Genderbent!Legolas got loose in the headquarters and all the male agents went comatose), and others were warnings to the hapless agents (like the one about an agent falling in love with a Sue and going insane over her when his partner killed her).
"Really? Did something like that really happen?" Sidh asked, surprised, looking at Caitlin in disbelief. Though right then she remembered how sorry she had begun to feel for the Sue before Caitlin killed her.
"Unfortunately, yes. And I can see why. It almost happened to me when I was chasing down a Marty Sam. They are scarily attractive when you're tired and weak." Caitlin rounded a corner and smiled. "And with that cheerful thought, here we are at the cafeteria." She placed her hand on the knob.
"Finally," Sidh muttered, looking at Caitlin. "I have to remember about that…"
"See that you do." With that, Caitlin opened the door to let them in.
((Caitlin's A/N: For those who know me as Vana, hallo! Yes, I finally managed to find a good partner who was willing to jump into Sue killing with me. We were given permission to kill this Sue by her author, Deepy. Apparently, she wrote Delilah as a contestant in the OFUM competition. It's not as bad as some, and that's all I'll say about that. The name 'Pure Peace' is a pun on our names: Caitlin means Pure and Sidh means Peace, for you Elvish buffs out there. It's also somewhat ironic, as pure peace is the last thing a PPC agent gets.))
((Sidh's A/N: looks around shyly Hallo! This is me, the new partner of Caitlin whom she so kindly decided to train. Eh…realizes she has lost her entire, well-prepared speech somewhere all right…eh…I think that's all for the first time. Thank you for your attention…looks nervously at Caitlin and disappears))