Once upon a time for absolutely no reason, Johnny got on to the Hogwarts Express. Actually, he got stuck underneath it in a misjudged suicide bid. Anyway, he was horrifically dragged for about 50 miles, screaming. Suddenly, the stupid train stopped, before Johnny was dead. Some random, irritating bitch named Hermione stuck her head out the window and said,
"Why has the train stopped?"
An irritating ginger boy stuck his head out the window and said
"I dunno."
Then, a stupid, holier-than-thou bastard with a dumb fringe and a crappy, drawn-on-by-my-little-sister-with-a-red-felt-tip lightning bolt scar stuck his head the window and said,
"Me neither, but I bet it's got something to with Voldemort or Dementors or werewolves or some other random cack that's happened already in one of the other books! He is such a rotter, is Voldemort."
"Fuck me, Harry, really? I can't fucking believe your amazing powers of deduction! That's amazing!" shouted Teatime in Discworld, who had popped into the storyline for a moment because she felt like it. She turned to Harry, smacked him in the face and called him a knob. Then she stepped back into the real world for a moment. Then she realised the wrong turn she'd made and went back to her own warped version of reality.
"Fuck," said Harry, rubbing his face.
Johnny climbed out onto the tracks, and slinked his way into the retarded red train.
"I say, where did you come from?" asked the twat with the stupid fringe.
"A fictional universe," said Johnny, who hadn't killed them yet because he wanted to know why two thousand kids with shit, exaggerated English accents were all on the same train. He hoped they were being sent to a death camp.
"Where does this train go?" he asked, with his customary manic grin. The twat put on a 'magical' voice, which was supposed to provide emphasis, but actually just sounded like he had several teeth missing.
"Hogwarth's Thool of Withcraft and Withadry," he paused for dramatic effect, "the least happiest place on Earth. All these goblins and elves and random shit no-one cares about happen there. It should have been closed down millennia ago, but some chick named J.K. Rowling is making loads of money out of it, so all this fucking shite is forced upon the world and people with undiagnosed psychoses stay up until midnight and queue for hours to get a copy every time a new one comes out. And then end up in comas trying to stay awake until they've finished the whole thing. Isn't it magical?" said twat-boy, swooning. Then Johnny stuck his knife into his head. Quite rightly so. Bravo, Johnny, bravo. Harry's stupid fringe dripped a mixture of brains and blood onto the floor. The three extras in the train screamed, so Johnny stabbed them too, just because he could. Then, Teatime in Discworld realised she was using the word 'then' too much, but didn't give a fuck because she had better things to do. Then, for no reason, Squee turned up. He edged into the compartment and sat down on the red leather seat. Then, Teatime in Discworld realised she didn't want to put Squee in the story, but couldn't be arsed to press backspace. Then, some smart Alec pointed out that that would have been quicker than writing this explanation, so Teatime in Discworld smashed a glass over his forehead. Anyway, Squee sat down to watch the impending massacre, squeezing Shmee very tightly. For no reason, Johnny suddenly became a highly-trained ninja-karate genius type guy and wielded some nunchucks and jumped left, right, left, right, left, right as though there was some other fucking direction to go in. He smashed all the frickin' irritating witches' and wizards' heads in with his foreign weapon and then went home to watch Austin Powers on DVD. He left Squee the corpse-filled compartment and walked home, ignoring the bleeding gashes caused by nothing in particular. On his way home he bumped into Devi, who, because this is a Fanfic so nothing ever happens which could be accused of being even slightly logical, he jumped into bed with and caused a bunch of creepy, horny fans to write detailed stories about Johnny's cock.
The End.