No Zombies Allowed

Resident Evil 4 fanfic by Racxiam

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Leon, or anything that belongs to Capcom. If I did, Leon would be in a lot more of the games, and Ashley would be dead.

The hypnotic whirr of the helicopter blades slowed down gradually after the metal legs had touched the ground, and already Leon was climbing out, glancing around to ensure the area was secure, before he turned to help the President's daughter, Ashley Graham, out. Her eyes were bloodshoot, and the circles around them were almost as thick as Leon's own. But that wasn't his concern, as several dark-suited individuals rushed forward, umbrellas in hand, to take his place in protecting her from enemies and ran alike. His duty was done, Ashley was home safe, and he was officially off-duty. Instead of driving home, though, he called a cab, convinced he'd fall asleep at the wheel, leaving the world in a rather undignified way after so much trouble staying alive these last two days.

After giving the cabbie his address, Leon slumped, sodden from the rain, into the backseat of the car, his forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window, the rain providing heavy white noise for him to nod off to. Leon's apartment building wasn't close to the heli-pad, by any means, so he had more than enough time for a well-deserved cat nap.

All too soon, the cabbie was yelling at him to wake, and starled by this, Leon automatically whipped his .45 mm pistol out of its holster, holding it up to the poor man's head. He backed off immediately, waving his hands and saying 'no charge, no charge', over and over again. Leon put a hand to his temple as he put the gun away, then pressed fifty dollars into the cabbie's hand as he climbed out of the cab. He muttered his apologies as he left, and made his way to the house. Damn, he couldn't let that happen again. Stupid Los Illuminados...he'd been dreaming of them. It seemed sleep was out, at least until he could get all those...images...out of his head. A shower(which he desperately needed, from the rank state of both his clothes and the rest of him) might help. He took the elevator the three floors to his apartment, and after fumbling for the key at the door, stumbled inside, stripping his clothes off as he made his way to the bathroom, just leaving them where they fell. He could clean them up when he was in a better state.

A few minutes later, steam was filling the bathroom and Leon stepped under the streaming water, relieved to be able to wash away the grime of the past few days...now if only the memories would run down the drain as well. He scrubbed every ich of skin, washed his hair a dozen times, and then repeated the whole procedure, he didn't know how many times that went. All he knew is that the soap dissolved away and the shampoo bottle ran out long before he was ready to finish, so he stood in the shower, drifting between a semi-conscious state, not thinking about anything, for...who knows how long.

He was finally roused from this by a noise from beyond the scope of the shower, and when he returned to his senses, a dark shape was moving on the other side of the shower curtain. His senses were immediately alert, and as the shadow drew near one end of the curtain, he went to the other side, and with lightning quickness, he jumped out of the shower and grabbed the shadow, holding it with one arm twisted up behind its back, and pushed it down to its knees. It let out a quick scream, before Leon realized exactly what 'it' was, and released it in one mighty hurry.

"Hi, baby." His girlfriend fell to the floor, and twisted around to look up at him, a plastic bag with his dirty clothes spilling out next to her. Embarassed, he reached down and helped her up, looking at her apologetically without ever uttering a word. "So is there a reason you decided to assault me in your birthday suit, or is it ju-" He cut her off most effectively, by grabbing her face and pulling her into a kiss that threatened to devour her entire face. Taken completely by surprise by his strange actions, she naturally shoved him off. "Explain. Now."

"Too much to tell." He finally spoke, with a sigh, and grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist. "I missed you? I almost died. Lots. I missed you! Can we have sex now? God, you're gorgeous." Leon wasn't entirely sure where this bit of goobledegook had come from, but when he looked at her, her dirty-blonde hair loose about her face, her tiny little sundress wrinkled and wet from first his assault then his embrace, and his eyes traveled down to her legs, barely concealed by her dress, and he couldn't help but think she was the beautiful thing he'd ever seen. She put her hands on her hips and looked at him like he was crazy, then concern washed over her features.

"You almost died?! Why the hell didn't you call me?! Jesus, you look like hell, baby." Now it was her turn to grab his face and kiss him, but Leon didn't shove her away, instead he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off her feet, his tongue thrashing in her mouth as he felt her legs lift to wrap around his waist, and he began to walk to the attached bedroom with her in his arms. He was looking forward to obscenely good sex with the woman he loved, but just as he set her down on the bed, his stomach growled. He wouldn't have paid any mind, he would've just let it go, had it not been for the fact that she pushed him away. "You're hungry." She said, as if he didn't know. He continued to try and press her back against the bed.

"Mmm..." He kissed her neck. "Hot animal sex first, then food." He told her, trying to kiss her some more, but she was already prying him off.

"Just let me order a pizza..." She reasoned, she was always so damn reasonable, it was so bloody irritating. He clung to her the whole way to the phone, and was pulling her clothes off as she ordered. Delivery in thrirty minutes or it was free..."Can you wait thirty minutes?"

Leon's response was to pin her to the kitchen floor and ravage her body with his mouth and hands. She didn't try to stop him this time, so when the doorbell rang, she quickly grabbed her dress off the floor, and threw it over herself, commanding him to stay while she paid. It seemed like an eternity before she returned, opening the pizza box. He was just getting ready to pounce on her again, when the scent of the pizza reached his nostrils, and rather, he pounced on that instead. The love of his life managed to swipe a piece away from him, and perched on the counter, watching him with amusement as he devoured the pizza, slowly consuming her single slice. By the time he'd finished, she was just popping the last bite of pizza into her mouth, and he looked at her wolfishly. "So...feeling better?" She asked after she'd swallowed her mouthful.

Leon just grinned and wrapped an arm around her waist, then hauled her over his shoulder and carried her back towards the bedroom. "Leeee-on!" She squealed, but she was giggling profusely as he slammed the door shut behind them. Maybe he should go away more often...

On the other hand, the single thought that kept running through his mind(in between the bestial urges to do unspeakable things to her soft, soft, lovely and warm flesh) was, 'thank god she's not a zombie.'

A/N: My first ever completed fanfic! Yay, go me! Read and review, it'll make me happy!

One more thing...Leon's girlfriend has never appeared in any RE game, movie, book, nothing. Hence, no zombies allowed. Hehe. I'll explain in more detail if anyone's curious.