SUMMARY: A humorous story explaining the reason behind Jane's "lawnmower" haircut in season 4.
Jane and Alison are jogging along the sidewalk, when Jane after sudden burst of energy speeds up then suddenly stops and takes a swig from her water bottle. She waits for Alison to catch up who needed to rest the cramping muscles in her legs.
Alison could tell Jane was hiding something and couldn't wait to spill. Jane kept smiling secretively and had all this sudden energy barely contained. "Do you know why I cut my hair off this way, Alison?" Alison shook her head and took a small sip her water bottle.
Jane ran her fingers through her close cropped head. Jane felt the short, fuzzy hair tickle against her palm. "I couldn't take it anymore. All those losers I was with: Michael, Robert, Chris, Richard, Jake and Michael again. I realized something then had enough!" Jane let the moment savor before letting it all out.
"I'm…..a lesbian!" It all came rushing out. Alison gaped, nearly dropping her water bottle. Jane nodded with a smug grin. Jane waited for Alison to respond, and at the same time didn't mind if Alison cared or not.
Alison decided to drop the next bomb. "But, but….I'm a lesbian too!"
Jane squeals and so does Alison and they both jump up and gave each other congratulatory hugs. Jane admitted she always was attracted to Alison and how they both have a lot in common. They finish their morning jog and kept smiling as they jogged back to the apartment building.
Back at Jane's place, Alison asks what lesbians do anyway, Jane responds that they kiss and begins to shows Alison.
While Jane and Alison are making out, Sydney walks through the door, wearing a colorful 1960s outfit and has wanted to tell Jane something that will piss her off. Sydney smiles to herself at how easy it is to be able to get under Jane's skin, as she walks into the room and then stops dead in her tracks. On the sofa, Jane is kissing someone and it's with the building's goody two shoes, Alison. Sydney makes an audible gasp and Jane and Alison look up and turn to see who interrupted them.
Sydney claps a hand over her mouth and slowly backs up to the door. "Oh….Oh….I….I….Jane….Ijustwantedtodropbyandtellyous omethinginprivatebutIseethatyourebusyandwanttobeal onesoI'lljustbeleavingnow!" She slams door behind her.
"OMYGOD!" Sydney looks around to make sure no one else is present and then runs to her car and yanks open the door and hops into it."I have to tell Michael about this!"
She speeds off to Burns-Mancini.
(Burns-Mancini office)
Sydney quickly enters the office and drops her purse on the desk and saunters right into Michael's office. "Michael, I have to tell you something very important!" She emphasizes with her hands. "VERY important!" She has interrupted his morning routine of reading the newspaper and it puts Michael in a sour mood.
Michael gives her a stink eye. "What now, Syd? That global warming is an epidemic, that there were two gunmen at the grassy knoll or are you just being a twit as usual?"
He turns back to reading the paper. Sydney steps up to his desk, grabs the paper out of his hands and throws it behind it her. Michael is irritated at her.
"MICHAEL! Jane…Jane was kissing somebody!" Sydney can barely stand it.
Michael looks back at her and shrugs. "So?"
Sydney begins to fidget with her hands and pace around. "You don't get it. Jane was kissing SOMEBODY. Somebody that is NOT a guy, if you know what I mean. They were on the sofa….."
Michael holds up a hand, "Whoah, whoah, whoah! Are you telling me that Jane was doing it with some chick?"
"Not SOME chick, someone she knows, who we know and we didn't even know. I mean, maybe I got the wrong impression?" Sydney bites on her fingernail.
Michael motions for her to go on. "What DID you see? Don't leave anything out."
Sydney opens her mouth and gets stuck for a moment. "Ok, I wanted to tell Jane something. I knew she was home, I knew the door was open and I just walked right in to announce my presence and then….." She works her mouth to prepare her next words to come out. "I saw Jane. I saw her on the sofa, with her arms around another person, in a passionate embrace. Their faces were close and touching. Definitely kissing. You could tell that they were kissing, and moving their arms up and down each other…." Sydney motions with her hands.
"I-I, uh, well, I interrupted them and made a noise that interrupted them. Jane looked up first, then her um, um, um, oh god….I can't say it!" She throws her hands up in disgust and shudders at the memory.
Michael is enjoying Sydney's discomfort."Who was the other female? You can tell me."
Sydney is flustered. "It….it…it was Alison, ok?! That goody two shoes of AA!"
Michael begins to laugh hard and a tear falls down his cheek. He finally calms down enough and wipes his eyes."Wow, Alison, huh? I would never have guessed!" His smile is smug. "So, Jane is a lesbian and Alison is one too. Maybe that's why my marriage with her broke up. Too bad, Jane was pretty good in bed. Are lesbians good in bed?" He looks at Sydney to get her reaction.
Sydney drops her jaw at his casual attitude. "Michael, this is serious! How could Jane do this, after all this time!" Sydney brightens at an idea that pops in her head.
"Oooh-oooh! I know what did it! That haircut she recently got. That has to be it! It's evil, or it's a hair chemical that can infect you through the scalp. Of course!" Sydney slaps her forehead. "All we have to do is wait for Jane's hair to grow back out and she'll be normal again!"
Sydney looks desperate. "Right?"
Michael shakes his head. "Syd, for all you know, that outfit you're wearing can make you turn into a lesbian." Michael gestures towards Sydney's outfit.
Sydney looks down at herself and looks back at Michael. "What's wrong with my outfit? It's haute couture!"
Michael gives a raspberry. "You don't even know the meaning of the word. You look like an orange grunge version of Peter Pan. Wasn't he played by a woman?" Sydney is speechless at Michael's jabs at her and then turns around and slams his door shut behind her. Michael smirks.
At the receptionist desk, Sydney is trying to calm down, as she begins her usual work duties. She tries to file her nails, but can't concentrate, so she does some actual filing. She takes messages and makes return calls. While putting away some files, she goes over in her head what she saw between Jane and Alison, and then to Michael's insults as her anxiety grows.
Peter walks into the office. "Hello, Sydney. Any messages for me?"
Sydney is startled and turns around,"I like men! I LOVE men! Always will!"
Peter stops in his tracks and stares at her. Sydney mumbles something and hands Peter his messages without looking him in the eye. Peter says nothing as well. He drops his briefcase on his desk and walks into Michael's office. Michael looks up at him, apparently he heard Sydney's outburst after seeing Peter's quizzical look on his face.
Peter frowns. "What's wrong with her now?"
Michael shrugs. "Apparently, Jane's new haircut that she got turned her into a lesbian and now she recruited Alison into one as well."
Peter looks at Michael in disbelief. "What? Haircuts don't change your sexuality."
Michael shrugs again. "Apparently they do, since Jane is now a lesbian. This would explain our failed marriage. Why I never knew but that's beside the point. Too bad, she was great in bed." Michael smirks.
Peter makes a face. "You're nuts. Sydney's nuts. You need to stop listening to her."
Michael gestures with his hand. "Why don't you ask Syd, then?"
"Fine, I will." Peter opens the door to call out. "Sydney, will you come in here for a minute?" Sydney saunters in. Outwardly calm.
"Sydney, what's with the screaming that your sister Jane is a lesbian?" Peter leans against Michael's desk and folds his arms. Sydney looks like a deer caught in head beams.
Sydney tries to save face. "You know me; I like drama and may have exaggerated what I saw just a little bit." She squeezes her two fingers for emphasis and nervously smiles.
Michael rolls his eyes. "Syd, you came bursting in here not moments ago, barely able to tell me that you saw Jane making out with Alison and freaked out." Sydney huffs a little.
Peter gets her attention. "Enlighten me."
Sydney retells her story of what she walked in on in Jane's living room. Peter listens patiently but doesn't quite believe it. Sexuality doesn't turn off and on like a switch, he explains. Peter even tries to convince Sydney that even heterosexual people like to experiment, get the taste of a thrill for the forbidden. What Jane and Alison did was just that. Sydney tries to point out Jane's new haircut and Peter refutes it. Many women have short hair and remain heterosexual. Peter points out to Sydney that she doesn't have a problem with Matt being gay. Sydney sputters out the excuse that this is her sister they're talking about. Peter shakes his head and gives up. Michael seems bored with the whole thing and they all go back to their work.
Kimberly strolls into the office. She strides by Sydney's desk and greets her warmly.
"Hi Syd. Keeping those pencils sharpened?"
Sydney glares at her. "What do you want, Kimberly?"
Kimberly shrugs. "I just stopped by to tell Peter some good news."
"You're going on a trip? I hope it's a short one!" Sydney replies in a mocking tone.
Kimberly remains cool. "No. I got a new job!"
Sydney folds her arms. "You got a new job. I got a new lesbian. Tra-la, tra-la!"
Kimberly does a take. Peter comes out of his office and greets Kimberly.
"Kimberly! So good to see you." He clasps her hand. They turn and start walking toward the coffee maker.
Kimberly thumbs over her shoulder. "What's with Sydney? She just said the oddest thing."
Peter shrugs. "There is always something with Sydney. You just caught her on a good day. Come on, tell me your good news that you wanted to tell me in person." He pours her a cup of coffee.
Kimberly smiles. "My new job. It's perfect. I get to be a therapist!"
Peter raises an eyebrow. "You? A therapist? What is this world coming to?" He throws up his hands in the air.
Kimberly is amused by his reaction. "Oh come on, Peter. I am fine! I'd like to think I have plenty of experience in the field."
Michael is walking by the coffee maker and butts in. "Yeah, inside experience!"
Peter gives Michael a look, Kimberly just ignores Michael.
"Hey Kim, I got your first patient for ya." Michael motions to Sydney. "She needs a good shrinking." Michael winks at Kimberly.
Peter is annoyed. "Mancini, go away." Michael returns to his office without comment.
Kimberly is curious. "What did Michael mean by that?"
Peter sighs and tells her that Sydney walked in on Jane and Alison making out and now thinks her sister is a lesbian because of her haircut and a few other things. Kimberly is amused and says she will help Sydney get over her fears. Peter laughs and tells her to go right ahead. Kimberly walks by and slips Sydney her card, giving her a knowing wink and walks out. Sydney is appalled and tosses the card aside.
Michael has a medical emergency but needs to deliver an important file to Amanda but can't do it himself. Peter says he can't do it either. Michael sweet-talks Sydney and promises her a big romantic dinner if she runs the errand. Sydney acquiesces and leaves for D&D.
(D&D Advertising)
Sydney strolls in, sealed file in hand and goes straight to Amanda's office. She walks in without knocking, making Amanda already in an irritated mood worse and hands her the file. Amanda is trying to do business with Hart-Mancini Designs and Sydney stands there with a smirk on her face.
Amanda trying to polite, asks Sydney, "Anything else?"
"Yeah, don't do business with Jane. Her fashions will turn out like Annie Hall." Sydney replies, rather amused at the thought.
Amanda, with one hand on a hip demands she elaborates. Sydney tells Amanda what happened between Jane and Alison earlier today in a briefer and more embellished story. Sydney quickly skips out of the office after finishing her story. Amanda rolls her eyes and then strides out the door.
Amanda walks over to Alison's desk and stops, looming over her. Alison looks up.
Amanda tilts her head while she places one hand on a hip. "So, is it true about you and Jane? That the both of you have decided to become lesbians?"
Alison gets a little annoyed. "Yes. What of it?" She tries to get back to work.
Amanda ignores Alison's brush off. "Well, let me tell you: I have no problem with it. Your lesbian lifestyle, I mean. Office regulations state that your lifestyle is safe at work. As long as you don't have orgies in the women's restroom or have any of your lesbians hit on me."
Alison turns around again and says, "Don't worry, Amanda. No one, not even I will come on to you. You're safe."
Amanda looks taken aback. "Why not? I'm attractive. I have qualities that your people would go for."
Alison is trying to suppress her laughter. "Frankly, Amanda, you're just not my type. Now if you'll excuse me….." Alison returns to concentrate on her work.
Amanda huffs then turns on her heel and leaves. Brooke comes out of her corner office and greets Amanda in a saccharine sweet voice.
"Hello, Amanda!" Brooke beams.
Amanda is not feeling very polite and decides to give Brooke a little dig. "Well, I guess you no longer have to worry about competition from Alison anymore. It now appears that she's rooting for the other team!"
Amanda starts to turn to walk off, but Brooke stops her by grabbing her arm.
Brooke has a pinched look on her face. "What do you mean by that?"
Amanda removes Brooke's hand from her arm and then begins turns away. "What I mean is, you don't have to worry about Alison stealing Billy from you, but I would worry about her stealing you away from Billy." Amanda walks away, leaving Brooke to figure out the meaning behind her words.
Brooke dumps her files in her office and decides to confront Alison herself. She stands behind Alison who is concentrating on her work. Brooke folds her arms and twists her face up.
"What does Amanda mean when she says you're rooting for the other team now and I don't have to worry about you stealing Billy away from me?" Brooke demands in a whiny sounding voice.
Alison turns around in her chair, stands up and looks at Brooke point blank. "It means I don't find men attractive. If you must know, I'm a lesbian. So is Jane. But this is hardly the time to get into it since Jane and I were working up the right time to announce our news to everyone." Alison turns back to pick up some files and leaves a stunned Brooke behind her.
Brooke sees Billy enter the office and sits down to begin on his work and Brooke stomps over to his desk. Brooke plops herself on top of Billy's desk, making some files slip off and Billy is frantically catching them, as she swings a leg back and forth.
"What is it, Brooke?" Says Billy in a flat tone. He's not amused at this little intrusion.
Brooke tilts her head to the side toward him and flips her long hair off her shoulder. "Alison came out as a lesbian." She speaks in a smug tone.
Billy stops what he is doing and looks up in shock. "What? Are you sure?"
Brooke nods her head then tells him the story and adds, "I knew something was off with her!"
Billy is dumbfounded and has many questions. He tries to find Alison and to get straight answers from her, but can't find her. He goes find Amanda who tells him what she was told. He decides he needs to have a drink at Shooters after work.
(Shooters)
Billy walks through the door and heads for the bar and sits down. Jake spots him and walks over to him.
"Hey, Billy. What can I get you?" Jake asks, with bar-rag in hand.
Billy drums his fingers on top of the bar counter. "A beer."
"One beer, coming up." Jake pours it and then hands it to Billy.
"Then a whiskey, vodka and scotch to wash it all down." Billy sighs.
Jake notices Billy seems to be uptight about something.
"Something bothering you, Billy?"
Billy takes a quick chug of his beer. "What would you do if you found out that someone you thought you knew came out different?"
Jake raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
Billy continues to explain, "I mean, I thought I knew her. We lived together, slept together and even work together. Now she pulls this."
Jake is confused. "Is this about Brooke?"
Billy shakes his head. "It's about the two women in our lives that totally been living false lives."
Jake sighs and rubs a hand over his face. "I think I might need a beer."
Billy nods his head. "Well, after I tell you, you will."
Jake grabs a beer and takes a chug, readying himself for Billy's bombshell.
"Alison and Jane are lesbians." Jake stares at him in disbelief. Billy nods and continues, "Yeah, apparently Sydney walked in on them kissing each other, really into each other and it's been confirmed. They're lesbians now."
Jake begins to laugh. "Can't be. You've slept with Alison, I've slept with Jane. I think I would know!" He slams his beer down on the counter top. "I don't get it."
Billy shrugs as he fiddles with his drink in his hand. "Maybe they were leading us on?"
Jake looks at Billy and was suddenly pissed. Then he and Billy begin ranting about how betrayed they are and take it as an offense to their manhood. Both of them brag of how many girls they could sleep with, that they could please any woman in the room with more macho bragging. The more they talked, the more they got offended over the notion of being rejected by Jane and Alison. They both decided to confront Jane and Alison, after another few beers.
(4616)
Jane and Alison are heading out, planning to go somewhere to eat when they are stopped by a moody Billy and Jake.
Billy approaches them first. "Uh, I'm confused, how do you know you're a lesbian?"
Jake folds his arms with a scowl on his face. "Yeah. Are we not good enough?"
Alison folds her arms and Jane places her hand on one hip.
Alison decides to answer first. "They say there's a pill for everything."
Billy gapes at her. "Seriously?"
Alison makes a loud exasperation. "No Billy, of course there isn't!"
Jake glares. "Then what? Don't like what we can give you in bed?"
Alison and Jane roll their eyes.
"How about if Jake and I started to make out with each other?" asks Billy. Jake nods along.
"Maybe you should." Jane sharply retorts back.
"You certainly deserve each other." Alison chimes in.
Jake and Billy glance at each other in surprise then back at Jane and Alison.
"Is this because it didn't work out between us?" Jake asks Jane.
Jane turns to face him. "No, Jake. This has nothing to do with your precious manhood! We have felt like this for a long time. So get over yourselves!"
Alison shakes her head. "Why do guys get offended when women are not attracted to them? Does it really burn your ego that we just don't want you? Or is it jealousy?"
Jane points a finger. "I vote for jealousy."
Alison continues, "Or is it the fear of competition? That we would be better in bed and you'd be left behind with your pitiful manhood?"
Jane begins to laugh out loud. "Let's go, Alison. They obviously can't handle us women by acting like insecure, macho jerks! Bye guys!" Jane throws a wave at Jake and Billy as she leaves.
Alison follows Jane out. "Yeah, bye!"
Jake and Billy stare after them, still feeling low, as they walk to their apartments and slam their doors.
Matt is parking his car and sees Jane and Alison head toward Jane's car. He waves at them. Jane and Alison wave back then look at each other with an idea.
Matt stops by them and asks, "So, where are you two going?"
Jane shrugs. "Oh, just out. Together."
Alison clears her throat. "Matt, can we ask you a question?"
Matt nods. "Uh, sure."
Jane and Alison look at each other then at Matt
"What would you say if two people you knew, came out as lesbians?" Jane asks.
Matt shifts on his foot. "Well, I, uh, would be ok with it."
Jane quickly looks at Alison. "Alison and I have come out and many people are not taking it well. So, we hope that of all people who would understand would be you."
Matt looks back and forth between them. "You and Alison are lesbians?" Jane and Alison nod.
Alison looks at him. "Can we have your blessing?"
Matt smiles. "You have my blessing. I hope you're happy and careful. Just like gay men, lesbians can become victims of homophobia and discrimination."
Jane smiles at him. "We really appreciate it, Matt. Thanks."
Alison smiles too. "You were always one of the good guys, Matt."
Matt gives a sheepish grin. "Uh, thanks, I guess. You need a friend, you have one in me."
Jane has a thought pop in her head. "Hey Matt, do you know where some really good gay bars are?"
Matt shrugs and nods. "Uh, yeah, yeah I do."
Jane continues, "Because Alison and I want to check them out sometime, and we need a change. Maybe we could double date?" Alison nods along at the idea.
Matt still smiling responds, "Well, uh, that would be nice, I guess. I'll let you know."
He waves at them as they get into Jane's car and drive away.
Matt is picking up his mail when Jo walks in to stop and pick up hers. They greet each other.
Matt turns to her. "You'll never guess what's happening: Jane and Alison came out as lesbians."
Jo turns to him, taken aback. "What? Is this a joke?"
Matt shakes his head. "No. Jane and Alison just admitted it to me, and I gave them my support."
Jo blinks and chews her lip for a moment. "I'm stunned at this. I don't know what to say, really."
Matt leans towards her. "My advice: accept them as they are and have an open mind. It's tough enough in this world and you need all the support you can get."
Jo nods at his advice and they walk into the courtyard toward their apartments.
(Jane's apt next day)
Sydney has managed to calm down by the next day and she plans to talk to Jane. She's been trying on different outfits, rejecting one after the other thinking they would be too attractive to lesbians and finally chooses something, which was her favorite leopard printed skirt and a matching blouse with hip boots. She walks down the stairs and knocks on Jane's door.
Jane opens it to find Sydney nervously standing there. Jane says nothing and lets Sydney inside.
Sydney stands just inside the living room, feeling awkward, not knowing what to say to Jane, as Jane is going through her morning routine of making breakfast and preparing for work.
Sydney begins to pace a little as she speaks. "Jane…what, uh, happened the other day was a big misunderstanding and I hoped it all would be…." She trails off.
Jane stops what she was doing and looks at her. "That it was all a mirage? Look, I know you mean well, Syd, but what you saw did happen."
Sydney panics. "But Jane…..you were married! You've had sex with other men! You even were pregnant!" She squeals out.
Jane shrugs as she moves around picking up things and setting them down again in their right order. "Lesbians like having sex too. And it wasn't too long ago that lesbians married men and had children to remain in the closet. Times have changed."
Sydney puts her hands on her hips and frowns. "Then just who is the MAN in bed? I mean, since there is no, you know…." Sydney wiggles her pointer finger for emphasis.
Jane laughs at Sydney's inability to say "penis". "Well, lesbians use devices such as dildos and strap-ons. They even use their fingers."
Sydney's jaw drops open. "What's a strap-on? I mean, I know what it is but…UGH!" She spins around in the room. "Use your FINGERS?! How can you have sex like that?! I mean, I just can't imagine you going in there, in your bed, doing IT with another woman! Come on, Jane!" Sydney flails her arms about.
Jane is very amused at Sydney's discomfort. "Lesbians like doing things straight couples do and appreciate each other's bodies."
Sydney makes loud exasperations. "Jane, I think you could do so much better than Alison!"
Jane smiles and shakes her head. "What are you suggesting, Syd? That you want to come on a chick-hunt with me at the local lesbian bars? Show me how to flirt with the gals?" Jane winks at Sydney.
Sydney is shocked. "No, no! H-h-how about I just buy you a k.d. Lang CD instead?" Sydney smiles nervously.
Jane gives Sydney a lascivious look and makes her voice deeper. "You know, Syd. That outfit you have on is really hot." Jane licks her lips.
Sydney's smile drops to a nervous twitch as she quickly turns and heads to the door, only to look one last time at Jane before quickly stumbling out.
Jane laughs out loud at her retreating sister. Alison walks in and looks over her shoulder to where Sydney had quickly gone.
"What was her problem?" Alison asks as Jane walks over to greet her with a quick kiss.
Jane shrugs. "Hi honey! Oh, nothing. She just can't handle reality."
Jane and Alison go enjoy a nice breakfast together.
THE END.
Endnotes: in this AU, Jake never slept with Shelly. He and Jane hooked up after he broke up w/Jo (while being an asshole toward her, mostly out of an irrational grudge that she had been involved with his brother), and when Jane broke up with Richard (over control of Hart-Mancini Designs). In this story Jane had her last affair with Michael (while he was with Sydney) to make Richard jealous, when that didn't happen she got the haircut and came out.
I wrote this FF about 10 years ago(2002). It started out as a very short story. Then in (July '12) I expanded it.
Based on how the characters acted/behaved in the 4th season.
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